Family Guy (TV Series)

V is for Mystery (2018)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin as Professor Moriarty, Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson, Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes, Glenn Quagmire as Prisoner, Tom Tucker as Newspaper Vendor, Carter Pewderschmidt as Moriarty Imposter

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : Hold it right there, Professor Moriarty!

  Carter Pewterschmidt : *Sherlock Holmes*? How did you know it was me?

  Stewie Griffin : When I see a man about to go on a sea voyage and not wearing a topcoat, with no watch fob, and whose spats are not fully buttoned...

  Carter Pewterschmidt : And the jewels hanging out of my hat?

  Stewie Griffin : [we see the jewels clearly visible and shining]  Yeah, and the jewels hanging out of your hat.

• Carter Pewterschmidt : [when he gets shot]  AAGH! Lucky shot!

  Stewie Griffin : There was no luck involved. From the angle you were aiming the gun, I extrapolated the path of the bullet, and triangulated the deflection point...

  Brian Griffin : Uuuh... Is this... is this speech for me? Because he's dead.

  [we cut to Carter lying dead in the water] 

• Stewie Griffin : Meanwhile two toothless homeless people shared 50 seconds of lust in an alley. They would become the grandparents of the guys from Oasis.

• Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : What are you in for?

  Glenn Quagmire as Prisoner : Ah, I Rathboned somebody's Cumberbatch.

• Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Watson, I found some important new clues. These red locks of hair I found at the crime scene? They don't belong to the Scottish Brute. They belong to a woman.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : How can you tell?

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : It's hard to explain, Watson. Women are mysterious. But don't ask me. Ask contemporary personality Oscar Wilde.

  Oscar Wilde : I prefer a man with a future and a woman with a past.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : [laughing]  Oh, splendid. Well said, splendid. All right, let's get out of here before we're all arrested for the crime of "bum-fancy."

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : He's got a gun! Look out, Stew... Holmes! God, this is gonna be so annoying.

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Quick, we've got to catch the train!

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Porter!

  [a porter unloads their luggage from the carriage] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Watson, do you have thruppence for the porter?

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : I have tuppence.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : So you don't have thruppence?

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : I have tuppence. How much do you have?

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : I have nuppence.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : You're gonna get a comeuppance.

  [they dance out of shot with the accompaniment of ragtime music] 

• Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Excuse me, sir, what's the next stop for this train?

  [Opie babbles incoherently] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Ugh, I hate when they let the infirm ride on the train.

  Train Conductor : Next stop,

  [babbling] 

  Train Conductor : Station.

  Opie as Distinguished Passenger : Sir, you owe an apology to me and all the good people of

  [babbling] 

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Holmes, with this case, you saved the entire British Empire.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Yes. Now it will last forever. From South Africa to the Suez Canal, from Cyprus to Australia, all of Canada and Grenada, even Antigua and Jamaica. India, Jordan, Kenya, Kuwait, Malawi, Bermuda, the Falklands. Yes, all part of our empire.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : I'll always miss...

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : The Maldives, Myanmar, New Zealand, Nigeria, Pakistan. Saint Kitts and Nevis. Sri Lanka, the Sudan, Uganda, and the United Arab Emirates.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : God, England sucks now.

• Lois Griffin as Constance : Did I hear your name was Valerie?

  Prostitute : Yeah, guv'nor. Uh, have we met? Your voice sounds very familiar.

  Lois Griffin as Constance : [brandishing a knife, she attacks]  What the hell is this?

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Watson, hurry!

  Lois Griffin as Constance : Watson? Oh, my god. Sherlock!

  Prostitute : [going haywire]  Watson, help. Watson.

  Cleveland Brown as Businessman : [passing by]  All I would've done is be a perfect gentleman.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : [appearing with a rat in his mouth]  Sorry, got distracted. Lot of rats in London.

  [spitting it out] 

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : That's for you.

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Really, Holmes, why retire? There'll still be crimes to solve.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : But with Moriarty gone, and with you, my biographer, leaving me for marriage, there is little point. Just gonna toss it in the old waste bin.

  [setting his deerstalker in the trash can] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Yep. Goodbye, detective cap. Yep. And you, old chap, are about to solve the biggest mystery facing men of our time: the wedding night.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : I know. I'm just... I'm just giddy with anticipation. Lifting her nightgown, nightshirt, evening cape, boudoir coverall, torso doily, and the various corsets and trusses below. Exposing her shame to God, followed by brief missionary coitus with no eye contact. And then, five months later, a stillborn child the size of a digestive biscuit.

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Who would have the audacity to steal the crown off the queen's head?

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Only one man, Watson. Professor Moriarty, the Napoleon of crime. I've had him on the run for a year now. His criminal empire is in shambles, but he won't go quietly. I say, look, there's hotshot 20-year-old comedian Benjamin Hill.

  [with the accompaniment of "Yakety Sax", Hill chases a young woman and tears her dress off] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Oh. That'll be funnier when he's older and slower.

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : I can't believe it. My beloved Constance is the murderer.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : It's even worse than you think. If she's a murderer from this time period, that means there will be a terrible, pretentious musical about her one day.

  [cutaway to said musical] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : [in the audience]  Oh, I was wrong. I love it.

• Tom Tucker as Newspaper Vendor : Crown Jewels stolen! "Another one bites the dust," says Queen. And coming up, Russia and Prussia still named basically the same thing.

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : What is it, Holmes?

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : It's an urgent missive from Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard. Oh, darn, there's been a murder and he's begging for my help. Oh, darn, darn, darn, this is embarrassing. Now I've got to see if I can dig that hat out of the trash.

  [putting his deerstalker on] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Come, Watson. The game is afoot.

  Lois Griffin as Constance : "Afoot"?

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Starting, beginning.

  Lois Griffin as Constance : Well, then just say that.

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Constance? Are you here?

  [seeing the room cleaned out] 

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : She's... she's gone.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : I'm sorry, Watson. Unfortunately, it appears my deductions were correct.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Not so fast. Look, she left a note. See, Holmes? It says here... these are test results. She has gonorrhea.

• Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Hmm, this is most curious. It appears she was killed by our old nemesis, the Scottish Brute.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : That's impossible. He's in prison.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : I put him there myself one year ago. Nevertheless, we can't ignore the evidence. All his victims were prostitutes whose names began with the letter "V". This one's name is Veronica, as evidenced by this satin softball jacket that bears her name.

  [finding clues] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : These threads are from a Scotsman's plaid kilt. The telltale locks of red hair. But most significantly, the Scottish Brute replaced his victims' intestines with bagpipes.

  [jumping on her, bagpipes tone] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Want to give it a whirl?

  [Watson gets on, and they play "Heart and Soul"] 

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : How could he accomplish this murder from prison?

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : He couldn't. There are only two possible explanations: either there's a murderer who has copied the Scottish Brute's methods, or I put the wrong man away.

• Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Watson, this is the boat to America.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : How do you know that?

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Because Neil Diamond is on board. Look.

  [cut to Diamond singing "September Morn'"] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : I really hoped he'd be singing "America."

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Why do you think Queen Victoria's a prostitute?

  Peter Griffin as Professor Moriarty : She formed an alliance with the Dutch royals for shared control of Guyana.

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Constance had the tickets for our honeymoon to Paris. No doubt she'll be using those for her escape.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Very well. Then we're off to France.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : That's right. We're off to Gay Paree.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : What's this now?

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Gay Paree. Some-some people call it "Gay Paree".

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Oh. Then I suppose I should change.

  [leaving and returning dressed like Glenn Hughes of the Village People] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Let's get separate rooms just so we can spread our stuff out.

• Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Finally, Paris. What an ordeal.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Yes, but how do we find Constance in one of the biggest cities...

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : [spotting her]  There she is.

  [noticing them, she flees] 

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Quick, after her. We have to chase her through a series of shots where she has an inconsistent lead on us.

• Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : We made it just in time. And I was able to fool you, as I am a master of disguise.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Seems like you're just good at dressing up like a woman.

  Peter Griffin as Professor Moriarty : Ah, you caught me, Mr. Holmes. I suppose it's back to jail for me.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : You can dispense with the act, Professor Moriarty.

  Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Holmes, what are you talking about? Moriarty's dead. You killed him.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : No, that was one of his lackeys. Isn't that right, Professor?

  Peter Griffin as Professor Moriarty : [dropping his Scottish act]  Very clever, Holmes. What gave me away?

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Constance. She said that you'd be victorious. That was the vital clue that these murders were for my benefit.

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : Why do they call you Professor?

  Peter Griffin as Professor Moriarty : I teach at Hogwarts.

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : Really?

  Peter Griffin as Professor Moriarty : No. But we should've done that instead of this.

• Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson : [chasing Constance]  This way, Holmes. She's heading towards... Holmes?

  Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes : [dressed like and following behind French children's book character Madeline]  I couldn't come here and not do this.