- Selina Meyer: You can't just replace Gary with another lesbian and think that I'm not gonna notice what...
- [Sips her tea]
- Selina Meyer: Mmm. Wow, this tea is the perfect temperature.
- Marjorie Palmiotti: Thank you, ma'am. I learned from an Afghani warlord.
- Selina Meyer: We should put him on the payroll.
- Marjorie Palmiotti: You killed him in a drone strike.
- Ben Cafferty: [about Tom James] Please tell me you didn't promise him State?
- Selina Meyer: There is no way I would appoint anyone competent to anything in my cabinet.
- Selina Meyer: [about Tom James, with whom she had sex the previous night, but didn't endorse her] He just fucked me right in the ass!
- Ben Cafferty: Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you.
- Selina Meyer: That, too!
- Selina Meyer: Kent, how are we doing with non-college-educated whites?
- Kent Davison: Underwater, ma'am.
- Selina Meyer: Then how about college-educated whites?
- Kent Davison: Uh, in South Carolina, that is not a significant slice of the pie.
- Selina Meyer: Then we're gonna have to find a way with non-college-educated whites. Like, what appeals to them... What do they want?
- Kent Davison: Well, my polling shows their main wants are jobs, education, and an adequate safety net...
- Selina Meyer: Okay, not gonna speak to that.
- Kent Davison: I'm not finished, ma'am... to be denied to African Americans.
- Mike McLintock: Mayor Splett, did you realize what you were doing was so courageous?
- Richard Splett: Oh, good question.
- Mike McLintock: Thank you. It's actually Wendy's.
- Richard Splett: I guess I just did what anybody would do if they were there. Except the people who were there and didn't do anything.
- Jonah Ryan: I just found out from my stupid stepfather that...
- Teddy Sykes: [Corrects him] Father-in-law!
- Jonah Ryan: ...from my stupid stepfather-in-law that math was created by Muslims.
- [shouting from the crowd]
- Jonah Ryan: Yeah. And we teach this Islamic math to children. Math teachers are terrorists.