- Lucifer Morningstar: But you are here on Earth, so, if it's any consolation, you couldn't do worse than our father.
- Amenadiel: How do you know that?
- Lucifer Morningstar: Because ours was literally never there.
- Amenadiel: This one shows the baby that all animals poop. I'm not really sure why the baby would need to know that. This one is good... because it tells you what to do when a baby is crying. Although maybe you don't need this one. I overheard at least three people crying in here today and you handled it like a pro...
- Lucifer Morningstar: What do you do when someone has betrayed you? Normally I'd go straight to punishment, fire, brimstone, public humiliation via YouTube.
- Lucifer Morningstar: [First lines] Forgive me, Father... for not offering you a drink. I have an aversion to the cloth. Daddy issues.
- Mazikeen: Is it true that human spawn erupt from their mothers' bodies in a ceremony of blood and pain?
- Linda Martin: What? No.
- Mazikeen: In hell... torture via birth was a favorite. If half of what we did is accurate... your sex holes are never going back to normal.
- Chloe Decker: She was a drug addict?
- Oscar Rivas: Don't judge her. A lot of us were.
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, I'm not judging. I love drugs. In fact, do you think she might have any lying around?
- Lucifer Morningstar: A celestial impregnating a human... How is it even possible?
- Amenadiel: And, if it is, how has this not already happened to you?
- Lucifer Morningstar: True.
- Ella Lopez: [Regarding skewered victim] Well, that does it. I'll never be able to eat beef kebabs ever again.
- Father Kinley: I know the divine is real. And I also know that evil walks the earth. And that you, Mr. Morningstar...
- Lucifer Morningstar: Oh, brother, here we go.
- Father Kinley: ...Are not it.
- Father Kinley: I got word from a colleague of mine in Rome that she'd met with a priest who was hell-bent on banishing the devil from Earth.
- Lucifer Morningstar: And you all get paid to do this? I'm genuinely asking.
- Amenadiel: I'm pretty sure that my issues are much bigger than yours. Trust me.
- Lucifer Morningstar: I think we all know nothing is bigger than mine.
- Chloe Decker: Have you ever considered donating any of your vast fortune to charity?
- Lucifer Morningstar: I've put many a nubile law student through college, thank you very much, several of which were named Charity, so...
- Sally: She's a monster. Demanding, complains all the time. It's like nothing is ever good enough.
- Linda Martin: And how old is Brooklyn now?
- Sally: Three. You know, sometimes I catch her looking at me like she knows she's won.
- Father Kinley: I'm trying to save lives. To stop the prophecy. When the devil walks the earth and finds his first love, evil shall be released.