The Angry Video Game Nerd (TV Series)

Home Alone Games (2018)

Macaulay Culkin: Pizza Boy, Macaulay Culkin

Quotes 

• Macaulay Culkin : Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport trying to kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?

  Macaulay Culkin : I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? "Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!" Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Wow, people ask me why I'm so angry: it's because these games ruined my childhood!

  Macaulay Culkin : YOUR childhood? I mean, it's bad enough that you have one game based on you, but what about TEN? Is - is this how you live? I mean, it's every boy's dream! To be in a video game! And then it turns into a fuckin' nightmare! A child nightmare!

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Alright, just let it all out. Let it out! Go for the Nerd rant!

  Macaulay Culkin : This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!

  Macaulay Culkin : Okay! I got it...!

  [Explodes] 

  Macaulay Culkin : I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, Harry in my ass! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Augh, dude! Augh!

  Macaulay Culkin : No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : And that's from the web series that brought you "Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!"

• Macaulay Culkin : Okay, with all seriousness. explain to me: knee-sliding into a rat. Who does that?

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : That's one hell of a way to take out a rat. Have you ever, like, called up Terminix or somethin', and they come over and start knee-sliding through all the fuckin' rats?

  Macaulay Culkin : And why are the rats bloody? Do they have the plague?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : What is wrong with the McAllisters? They have pizza hidden all over the house, they have things hidden in bookshelves, picture frames, boxes, the bathtub... have you ever found anything in a bathtub before?

  Macaulay Culkin : I found myself once.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : That looks nothing like Joe Pesci! Do you think that looks like Joe Pesci?

  Macaulay Culkin : Nah, not really. I mean, I haven't seen him in a while, though.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : I mean, yeah, they have Marv and Harry in there, but who are all these generic cartoon mobsters? There's guys who pelt you with balls, and Oddjob from James Bond?

  Macaulay Culkin : You know it's totally unfair when you pick Oddjob, anyway.

• Macaulay Culkin : So, uh, you wanna play Good Son on... Jaguar CD?

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Fuck yeah!

  Macaulay Culkin : Let's do this.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh, and there's the pigeon lady. Just the friendly old pigeon lady... tryna kill you! She was your friend in the movie, I mean, yeah, okay; Kevin was scared of her at first, but, in the game, they just make her full villain.

  Macaulay Culkin : Looks like I'm getting rid of my turtledove.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Eh. My conclusion with this one is that... uh, it's a little cartoony, takes some liberties here and there, but overall... it's not too bad! So, you see, Mac, there's hope.

  Macaulay Culkin : You really think so?

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : I think so, because there's a second one on Genesis, and this one, I bet they learn from their mistakes; I bet this one's gonna be even better. So this is it, we're just one little step away. Get ready!

  Macaulay Culkin : Crank up that puppy!

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Get ready for a good Home Alone game!

  The Angry Video Game Nerd , Macaulay Culkin : Yeah!

  [they play Home Alone 2 on Genesis, the worst one yet!] 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Well, I guess they were running out of ideas for stage bosses.

  Macaulay Culkin : I don't think they had any ideas to begin with. I mean... did you see the stripping chef? 'Cuz that's seared into my mind.

• Macaulay Culkin : Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roamed free in the hall? Yeah, we just had those suckers hopping all around all the time! Mr. Frog House! I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of asshole does this game think I am?

  [takes the Home Alone cartridge out of the SNES, surprising The Nerd] 

  Macaulay Culkin : I can't believe they get away with this. I mean... you go to the store and you see your face on a cartridge... and go like "I'm gonna play with myself all day long." Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right? But no... no, they shat on me. They shat on my legacy! What am I gonna do?

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Wait a minute. You're not a real pizza boy!

  [rips the Pizza Boy patch off to reveal a Macaulay Culkin patch; gasps] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : You're... Ma... Ma... MaCulkin! I'm playing Home Alone games with Macaulay Culkin!

  [puts both hands on his face] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : AAAAAAAAAHH!

  Macaulay Culkin : [unimpressed; sarcastic]  Really? Never seen that before. It's... it's new. Let's just get back to the fucking games.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [playing Home Alone 2 on SNES]  Did you ever remember using a boxing glove gun in the movie?

  Macaulay Culkin : THAT'S your concern?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I found an entire god damn pizza in the toilet!

  Macaulay Culkin : Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.

  Macaulay Culkin : Yeah, yeah. I mean... maybe, I would've... you know, back in my heady days.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : You would grab something out of a toilet? Pizza?

  Macaulay Culkin : Yeah... You ever had toilet pizza?

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Yeah. Pizza shit.

  Macaulay Culkin : Yeah...

  [breaking character] 

  Macaulay Culkin : I knew I liked you.

  [both break down into laughter] 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : We've now arrived at the cream of the crop. You climb a giant tree with a freaky, evil face.

  Macaulay Culkin : [disturbed]  You know, once, I had to fight a demonic tree. It was terrible. I don't know how the game developers found that out.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Demonic, evil tree- they exist? And this happened to you? Do you remember, like what... um, how did it... happen? What...

  Macaulay Culkin : [stoic]  It was a long time ago.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : [going in to hold Culkin]  I know, I know. It's...

  Macaulay Culkin : Don't touch me!

  [the Nerd backs away, freaked out] 

  Macaulay Culkin : [quietly]  Back to the tree.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : What's with the stripping chef?

  Macaulay Culkin : Why is the man upside down with his pants around his ankles?

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Weird, man.

  Macaulay Culkin : Why?

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : It's weird, man.

  Macaulay Culkin : Hold me.

  [Culkin and The Nerd hug]