Family Guy (TV Series)

You Can't Handle the Booth (2019)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Seth MacFarlane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chris Griffin : Mr. MacFarlane, what are you doing here?

  Seth MacFarlane : I'm actually here to tell you there's no need to talk sense into Lois, or for a paternity test, or for anyone to leave the show because none of you are real. You're all TV characters voiced by me, Alex Borstein, Seth Green and Mila Kunis.

  Alex Borstein : Hey.

  Seth Green : Hey, what's up?

  Mila Kunis : Hi, everybody.

  Peter Griffin : Wait, what? Okay, ha-hang on a second. If I'm not real, then why does a fat nerd pretend to be me at every Comic-Con?

  Seth MacFarlane : Please, please don't mention him. It'll only encourage him.

• Sarah Paulson : Hi, everybody. So sorry I'm late. I was stuck in the canyon.

  Stewie Griffin : Is that a euphemism for lesbian sex?

• Stewie Griffin : They're not even going to explain how we all got stuck?

  [sighs] 

  Stewie Griffin : Season 16, ladies and gentlemen. Suddenly, the family is stuck in the banister slats.

  Brian Griffin : Baluster.

  Stewie Griffin : Brian, seriously, fuck off.

• Seth MacFarlane : Wait, Seth Green, are you feeding yourself compliments now?

  Seth Green : Well, let's just hear Chris out.

• Peter Griffin : Okay, welcome to "Family Guy" DVD commentary for episode 1614. I'm Peter Griffin, joined by my wife Lois, our dog Brian, and our children, Meg, Stewie and Chris.

  Brian Griffin : And for you kids out there, DVDs were plastic discs...

  Stewie Griffin : I-I got this, Brian. Have you ever been at your grandmother's house and you look at her weird, old computer and there's like a crack on the side of it? That's DVDs.

• Peter Griffin : [upon seeing Seth MacFarlane]  Oh my God. it's the captain from The Orville!

• Chris Griffin : [to Brian]  Is that my bottle of water?

  Brian Griffin : Wh-What?

  Chris Griffin : That open bottle. Is that yours or mine?

  Brian Griffin : I-I don't know. Maybe yours?

  Chris Griffin : [yells]  This is why we need a Sharpie in here to put our names on our water!

  Brian Griffin : Geez, Chris. What the hell?

• Sarah Paulson : So, Lois, what will you be wearing to the Emmys this year?

  Lois Griffin : I think you know I won't be there.

  Stewie Griffin : I won a surfboard at the Teen Choice Awards. I left it in the kitchen at work, hoping someone would take it. No one did.

• Brian Griffin : Have a seat, Sarah. Shall I explain what we're doing here?

  Sarah Paulson : That's okay. It seems just like when I would do ADR for "American Horror Story" for which I have received five Emmy nominations.

  Lois Griffin : Well, some of us have awards, some of us have children.

  Sarah Paulson : What's that supposed to mean?

  Lois Griffin : Well, I don't know. You're the smart award winner. You figure it out.

• Lois Griffin : Are there even any jokes in the song?

  Peter Griffin : Do you not understand comedy? It's a reference. The joke is I'm singing it.

  Lois Griffin : Sorry to break it to you, but that's not a joke.

  Peter Griffin : Damn it. Now it's over. Thanks a lot, Lois. You completely ruined it.

  Lois Griffin : You better not take that tone with me 'cause this has been one hell of a day. First, I find out you make four times what I do, then I find out you were married before? I mean, what else don't I know?

  Peter Griffin : Well, if we're being honest, Lois, you're really bad at having sex when I'm drunk. It's like you don't even enjoy it.

• Brian Griffin : Welcome back to the DVD commentary episode. If you're just joining us, Lois has stormed out and announced that she's quitting the show after learning that Peter and Sarah Paulson were once married.

  Meg Griffin : She also said that Chris's dad might be Philip Seymour Hoffman.

  Brian Griffin : [chuckles]  More like See-less Hoffman these days, right?

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, Patrick, can we edit that out?

  Patrick S. Clark : Yeah.

  Stewie Griffin : Okay, good. Let's do that.

• Peter Griffin : [to Lois]  You slept with Philip Seymour Hoffman?

  Lois Griffin : [laughing]  I sure did. It was in his trailer during that tornado-chasing movie and all I know is nine months later, Chris is born.

  Chris Griffin : Yay! I'm a bastard!

• Peter Griffin : Lois, you can't leave the show.

  Lois Griffin : [laughing]  Oh, yeah. Why not?

  Peter Griffin : Well, the captain of the Orville says that none of us are real. We're all cartoon characters.

  Lois Griffin : Not real? What-what the hell are you talking about?

  Alex Borstein : He's right, Lois. Uh, my name is Alex Borstein and I do your voice on the show.

  Lois Griffin : Are you saying the rough-edged comedy manager from "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" does my voice?

  [laughs] 

  Lois Griffin : I'm so honored. I love that show. You are hilarious.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, Seth Green already did this bit.

• Seth MacFarlane : You should all be thankful you're animated characters. Peter, you can drink as much as you want and nothing bad will ever happen. Lois, you haven't aged in decades. Stewie, you get to travel through time and do things no baby could ever do. And Brian, you've had sex with more hot women than a real dog could ever reasonably expect. Meg, I'll admit, you got the shaft. Your actual life is better than your cartoon life.

• Meg Griffin : Dad, I'm really worried about Mom. Should we maybe check on her?

  Stewie Griffin : Or be thinking about a paternity test for Chris?

• Stewie Griffin : Oh, right. This is where the fat man got stuck in the banister slats.

  Brian Griffin : Stewie, I'm gonna give you another crack at that because I believe what you meant to call them was baluster slats, not banister slats.

  Stewie Griffin : Banister, baluster. Same thing.

  Brian Griffin : [chuckles]  Stewie, banister and baluster are hardly the same things. A banister is the handrail that sits atop the upright supports. A baluster is the supporting structure itself.

  Sarah Paulson : Is this my water?

  Chris Griffin : No, it is not!

  Stewie Griffin : Brian, I've heard people say banister slats.

  Brian Griffin : Well, those people, like you, would be incorrect.

  Stewie Griffin : So the baluster is that big, round thing at the bottom of the stairs where the staircase begins?

  Brian Griffin : Big, round thing?

  [chuckles] 

  Brian Griffin : You're... you're just guessing stuff now. I believe what you're referring to is a newel post.

• Brian Griffin : You know, I actually had a couple of ad-libs about Chinese working conditions that somehow didn't make it into the final cut.

  Stewie Griffin : All you said was, "Children make iPhones." This is a comedy show, not Mark Ruffalo's Twitter.

• Lois Griffin : [about Peter's song, "Halfway Down the Stairs"]  What the hell is this?

  Peter Griffin : I'll tell you what it is. An homage to a classing song from "The Muppet Show" sung by Kermit's nephew, Robin.

  Lois Griffin : I guarantee nobody got that.

  Sarah Paulson : I know this song!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, shut up, Sarah!

• Lois Griffin : Well, from now on, Peter, I'm not going...

  Sarah Paulson : Quiet! My character's talking!

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I don't know how you...

  Peter Griffin : I know. That right there was the main reason we split up.

• Peter Griffin : If I'm not real, then why does a fat nerd pretend to be me at every Comic Con?

  MacFarlane, Seth : Please, please don't mention him it will only encourage him.