Reviews
Stepmom (1998)
Paaaaaaaaaaaain
They showed this movie on the bus from Amherst to New York. It hurt. It hurt a lot. The squealing little moppet, the two dimensional characters, the overused plot contrivances, the steriotypes, the hideous music, the pathetic attempt at emotional manipulation, the... the "dialogue" if that's what it can be called... How bad was it? Well, the bus was delayed, so they showed "Money Train", too. And after the horror that was "Step Mom", "Money Train" actually felt like a breath of fresh air.
I got to see "Step Mom" on the way back, too. Thanks, "Peter Pan"!
The Human Comedy (1943)
Oh, it's a comedy all right...
"The Human Comedy" is a film that effectively combines gut-wrenchingly awful sappiness with incredibly heavy-handed propaganda, to produce one of the most hilariously bad attempts at cinema I have had the displeasure of witnessing. Really, it's amazing this piece of crap ever got put to print, much less receive the acclaim it did. It also butchers the book, not that I'm a big fan of the book either, but in comparison to this, it's "Paradise Lost." I mean, not a scene can go by without a character going into a lengthy, (presumably) "feel-good" monologue, usually about how great America is or a related topic. If you ever feel like having your intelligence insulted, watch this film! You'll laugh... and then you'll stare... and then you'll whimper... and then you'll cry.
Event Horizon (1997)
Feel like slowly drilling a hole in your head? Why not watch "Event Horizon" instead?
In the movie `Stargate' we were brought to the other side of the universe and what did we find? Egypt. In the movie `Contact' we were brought to the edge of the universe and what did we find? Breakfast show secular humanists. And so, in the movie `Event Horizon,' we are brought to the edge of the universe and what do we find? Leatherface from `Texas Chain Saw Massacre'.
This movie was bad. Very, very bad. It was painful to watch and it's painful to remember, too. Basically, a crew entirely composed of stereotypes act poorly, until they are all horribly murdered for no apparent reason. Well, all of them except for the most annoying character, Cooper. Who earned my hate when he uttered the phrase `How'd you like something hot and black inside of you?'
This movie also manages to be to have too many gory scenes for non-horror fans, but not enough gory scenes for horror fans. Thus making it undesirable by all.
Did I mention it was a bad movie?
Oh, and on an added note, I managed to embarrass my friends greatly by actually screaming once the credits rolled on. `Cooper didn't die!' I cried, flinging down my half finished cola in rage. `Cooper didn't die!'
I blame this movie for my subsequent isolation.
Contact (1997)
What's next, "Stranger in a Strange Land" starring David Hasselhoff?!
This movie taught us many things. Such as "Priests and scientists always have sex on a first date."
Basically, this was a pseudo-intellectual piece of garbage, which succeeded in completely dumbing down a good book. The only thing I can say to its favor, is that I laughed out loud when the little girl asks if she could contact her dead mother by radio. Oooooo, didn't see THAT one coming! "Predictable" would probably be the word that would best describe this cinematic endeavor. That, and "anti-climax."
Oh, and what was the big "message" the movie had to offer? "We should be nice to each other and love."
See this movie if your idea of intellectual discourse is "Good Morning America."
Gumby 1 (1995)
Hey, kids! Let's scream along with Gumby!
This movie... never ends. Every time you think "Oh, good, it's ending," it turns out that NO, THAT was just an INCREDIBLY cruel trick! There's MUCH more "Gumby fun" to experience! HAHAHAHAHA! Even... even after the actual ending... there's a MUSIC VIDEO! Eheh... Oh, God, this movie felt like it was five hours, at least. Not recommended to anyone who doesn't enjoy Chinese water torture.
Class of Nuke 'Em High Part 3: The Good, the Bad and the Subhumanoid (1994)
"So I did what came naturally," I smashed the tape into a million, zillion little pieces!
More than anything else, this movie made me want to slit my wrists. It's only maybe an hour long, but it FEELS like several more at LEAST. Not only that, but at least half of it is just a RECAP of the LAST SEQUEL! I think Tromaville was actually better when they were just bad naturally, and not trying to do it on purpose. They used to be "enjoyably bad" and now they're "very, very painfully bad."
Sorceress (1982)
Gender confused twins Mira and Mara do something or another, as the movie does its best to wedge a tent spike into your soul.
I initially purchased this movie, along with two others, in a used bookstore's `Our Owner Is Dead Sale,' for the hefty price of one dollar. One must beg the question, of whether perhaps I got ripped off.
Sorceress is bad. Astronomically bad. Not the kind of bad that we're used to. No, not mediocre Hollywood bad. It's so bad, it's almost a religious experience.
The plot boils down to this: King/wizard Traigon promises his goddess, Kalgara (a big floating head that hisses and spits green lasers) to sacrifice his first-born child, for no apparent reason. However, he is quite bemused when his wife bears twins, making it difficult to discern which is the first-born. Deciding to resolve the question of their hierarchy later, he is about to seize the two infants, when he is killed by a Moses resembling, kung-fu fighter named Chronos or Chrona or some such. Chronos drops the twins off with some peasants and leaves. Years later, the FEMALE twins, named Mira and Mara, have been raised to believe themselves boys. A falsehood that is neither seen through by themselves OR the other characters in the movie, presumably because they wear hats. Anyhow, Traigon comes back from the dead (again, for no apparent reason) and orders his minions to find the `two who are one' (the twins.) An order which they fulfil almost instantaneously. After murdering the twins' adoptive family, the minions are made short work of by the plucky Mira and Mara, who are armed with big sticks. They also glow blue (once again, for no apparent reason.) After the evil minions are defeated, Baldar the big red Viking emerges from his hiding place behind the bushes to compliment the two young `men' on their fighting prowess. Then Chronos shows up and immolates himself in a bonfire (say it with me now `for no apparent reason'.) Anyhow, the remaining characters go on a quest of some sort, and are joined by Erlich the half-naked, befroed imbecile and the horribly perverse Pando the goat-boy (perhaps the most hateable character of all time.) Memorable scenes include: Mira and Mara emerging naked from the lake, to discover Pando the goat-boy grinning and "bah"ing at them in an entirely unwholesome way. (`What's that?' asks Mira or Mara `Which he carries there. Hanging between his legs. Is it a horn?' `A weapon perhaps?' adds Mara or Mira. `But how would he use such a weapon?' Then they beat the crap out of Pando and he runs crying.) Erlich's witty repertoire with the big, hairy, gravel-voiced gambler. (`Well, barbarian,' scoffs the semi-shaven wookie, in a dubbed on voice resembling a broken radiator, `don't dogs have ears? Don't they speak?' `We have ears,' replies Erlich, grinning like a lobotomy patient and holding two fingers on the sides of his head, `And we speak. Arf! Arf!') Mira and Mara's discovery of their actual gender. (`You're girls,' gasps Erlich as he sees the naked twins. `What do you mean?' asks Mira or Mara, confusedly. `I mean, you're not boys,' explains Erlich. `We're not?' wonders Mara or Mira. `Not boys? Are you sure?') Krakinon, the soldier who needs to cut down on the coffee, screaming with his eyes bugging out. (You really have to see it. It's a riot.) A butt-naked Erlich, sliding down a greased poll, where a sharpened stick waits for him in a VERY bad position below. (I
cannot describe the horror of this scene in mere words.) Mira or Mara feeling the effects of Erlich and Mara or Mira's `love boogey' miles away and reacting to it, causing Pando to become `excited.' (`Now I KNOW its Erlich,' comments Baldar as he stares at the moaning Mira or Mara, leaving us with the question of just HOW he knows. Suddenly, Pando rushes towards her and is stopped by Baldar. `She's under my protection,' warns Baldar. Frustrated, Pando begins to jump up and down and `bah' as he
as he
AAAAH! MUST GET THE MENTAL PICTURE OUT OF MY HEAD! NOOOOO!) A "battle between the gods' that consists of a poorly constructed winged lion and a floating head growling and hissing at each other, until one blows up. Two words: horny undead. And Pando leading an army of goats and goat herders into Traigon's palace, where they
just kinda mill around for, you guessed it, no apparent reason.
There are so many more memorable scenes, but I don't think I have the stomach to convey them to you. However, I will add that the movie ends on a pro-polygamist note, as Erlich rationalizes, `Hey, these two ARE one.'
I heartily recommend this film to masochists, as well as perverts who might find Pando's `antics' arousing.
Did I mention that this film declines to feature any kind of `sorceress' whatsoever?