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Reviews
Iron Sky (2012)
Surprisingly terrible.
After seeing the trailer I thought Iron Sky was going to be loads of fun.
Unfortunately, after the first 20 minutes it just runs out of steam. There's an amusing reference to the "Downfall" meme and I'll bump it up to two stars for that alone, but once they get off the moon the script just turns into pure stupidity. I'm not talking about "So bad it's good, campy, funny stupidity" - I'm talking about "I can't believe I'm watching this, what happened to a meaningful story?" type of stupidity.
Give it a miss.
I wish I had.
The Social Network (2010)
How is this in the top 250?
After forty-five minutes of listening to "snappy" dialogue delivered at a billion miles per hour I wanted to throw a brick at the screen, but only because the main character wasn't available in person.
The Soundtrack is so nerve jangling it's like trying to follow and enjoy a plot in a popular night spot.
I really feel like there's been a lot of bandwagon jumpers with this one. Even if you're one of the three people out there who didn't know the story of Facebook, I can't see how this is rated above mediocre.
2/10
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Cold Lazarus (1996)
Parts OK - parts unwatchable
I'm a big fan of British TV and this series sounded as though it was going to be right up my alley.
While the parts with the scientists were fine enough, too much time was spent with "Martina" the American financier - her bits were absolutely unwatchable, contained zero entertainment or interest value and effectively torpedoed what would have otherwise escaped as a passable sci-fi yarn.
Perhaps this could be remade with more focus on what makes the story interesting.
3 out of 10
Bastard Boys (2007)
Only shows one side of the story
Borderline entertaining television, but anyone who doesn't think the union movement in Australia is The Bees Knees is going to be irritated. The Australian waterfront has always been a complete shambles and this series - no real shock that is comes from the ABC - is almost entirely told from the trade union perspective.
This would have been far better if we saw a balanced side of this dispute, rather than a rehash which will have all the armchair socialists and unionists nodding sagely from their living room, without ever getting down to the nub of the issue.
Poor form by the ABC.
The Village (2004)
Amounted to nothing
Well, it was never really boring, but where was the twist? A few people have told me that I am supposed to have thought the movie was set in the past and be surprised when it was the present day. Was there really anyone who didn't know this from the beginning?
Moderately watchable but ultimately disappointing.
The acting was fine throughout, everything was appropriately tense, but overall it felt more like some reject episode of the X-Files than anything to get truly excited about.
Somehow I think The Sixth Sense was an anomaly, as everything since has started with promise but ultimately turned out to be decidedly mediocre.
Traffic (2000)
Without doubt the most boring movie I have ever seen.
Has anyone ever heard of "The Emperor's New Clothes", a tale from Hans Christian Andersen? For those not familiar, it is a childrens fable which tells of a pair of swindlers who convince everyone from the Emperor down to the lowliest peasant that they have created a magnificent suit of clothing of unsurpassed quality. They explain that "To a wise man, it is obviously a beautiful suit of clothes, but to a fool it is totally invisible". The emperor "Not wanting to appear a fool" proceeds to ooh and ahh about the non-existent clothing and a vicious cycle continues until almost the whole city is convinced the Emperor is parading down the street in his wondrous new wardrobe when he is in fact completely stark naked.
What does this have to do with the movie Traffic you ask? Well, an attack of "The Emperor's New Clothes" syndrome is the only rational explanation I can possible proffer to solve the perplexing riddle that is the popularity of this movie.
The critics, rating as they do based on artistic elements and the fine equasions that go into what they deem to be "quality cinema", loved the movie, and Joe Public, "Not wanting to appear a fool" is convinced they are watching a cinematic marvel, when in fact they are watching three hours of cinema which rivals a perpetually looped stock-market report for sheer enthrallment value.
Traffic came and went from Australian cinemas in the space of two weeks. Almost everyone I have spoken to found it mind numbingly terrible. The two friends who accompanied my to this film wanted to leave after two hours and I didn't argue - we were outta there.
I'm curious to know how the film is mostly rated 9 and 10 here, but around half of the comments come from people offering similar sentiments to myself.
I may not know cinema-art, but I know what I like and quite frankly Traffic aint it.
Epoch (2001)
Potential goes nowhere
The idea that a buried behemoth sparked all life on Earth and has been gradually altering the DNA of man ever since sounded promising, but ridiculous logic, conclusions reached without any logical explanation and a flat, cop-out of an ending really kept this one firmly in the "watchable but fairly drab" category.
Epoch teases the viewer with the feeling that something really interesting is just around the corner. Sadly that something never really comes.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
Kristy Swanson IS Buffy
I don't care how popular the TV series is or how many guys have the hots for Sarah Michelle Gellar. The truth is that the original movie was clever and fresh and enjoyable.
Kristy Swanson has the role of Buffy down pat - The perfect Valley Girl/Cheerleader forced to take up an awesome responsibility.
A lot of fun to be had here, without ever acheiving excellence. Well worth a watch though and less soap-opera-ish than the TV series.
Three Kings (1999)
What?
I cannot understand what all the fuss is about this movie. It started out interestingly but ended up going absolutely nowhere in what must be one of the most pointless stories I have ever witnessed. Three Kings is easily in my worst ten movies of all time (that I have seen) list.