Change Your Image
pieman
Reviews
Very Bad Things (1998)
Somebody hand me some disinfectant
This movie just came out on video, and we rented it to see what all the building cult hoopla was about. All I can say is, "Yuck."
Now don't get me wrong. I loved "Pulp Fiction" and "Fargo." Heck, I even loved "Reservoir Dogs," so it's not like I'm some sort of weeny when it comes to violence in films. And I can appreciate a good nude prostitute scene. But there is a fine line between pointed scenes that happen to be violent and the nearly pornographic violence in this movie.
There was not one likeable character. I sympathized with no one. After the first half hour, I was just wishing the asteroid from Deep Impact would fall out of the sky and crush them all.
Didn't finish it. Went and took a shower. Yuck.
Never Talk to Strangers (1995)
chain-link fence makes great interior decor
Duh, it's a thriller during the early nineties Tarnished Age of Thrillers. I'm sure glad we're past that stage. So yes, if you don't know already, as a thriller it stinks.
But as a sex movie, it's not bad. I mean, who else would you rather see getting it on than Banderas and De Mornay. There's one classically trashy scene when Antonio nails the naked and voluptuous Rebecca up against a very trendy chain-link fence inside her very trendy loft. Antonio looks more angry than turned on and Rebecca looks more ashamed and uncomfortable, but she's naked, sexy, and making some happy sounds, so who cares? And who cares whodunit either?
The Grifters (1990)
three great actors in one helluva great movie
This is just such a good movie. John Cusack really comes into his own. Angelica Huston reminds us how good she can be when she tries. Especially check out her tangible fear and dread in the famous scene in the bosses office, with the cigar. And Annette Bening is just hot hot hot. she is so damn sexy in this movie and she looks so good naked. At the same time, she plays mischevious, sad, scared, angry, and evil with equal ability.
Mainly, I just wish she'd make another movie with these kinds of nude scenes. But even if the movie didn't show the future Mrs. Beatty's beautiful naked body, I'd still watch it. Hard to believe, isn't it?
Stealing Beauty (1996)
beautiful scenery (and plenty to chew on)
Considering that this is the same director that gave us The Last Emperor and 1900, it's hard to understand why this movie is so lame. It's full of talent--Liv Tyler, Jeremy Irons, etc.
One of the main subplots of the movie is that everyone is basically infatuated with Liv's character, even while they mock and tease her for her innocence. I wonder if director Bertolucci was infatuated as well. Unwrap all the outer layers of intrigue and pseudo artistry and you realize that this is basically another horndog movie. Liv Tyler is young and beautiful and a virgin. Who's going to nail her first?!! Set it in California and call it "The Sure Thing II."
Other than seeing the young Ms. Tyler and her co-stars get naked (which don't get me wrong, is a very good thing. Liv sure looks good without a shirt on), the best thing about the movie was the setting. I believe it's in Tuscany and just watching it makes me want to take out a second mortgage on my home and rebuild my backyard. Amazing gardens, ponds, pools, trees, countryside, patios, etc.
Anyway, very slow. Sort of reminded me of a nude version of a PBS gardening show. Like "The Victory Garden: Pink buds on our apple trees and on Liv Tyler too!"
RocketMan (1997)
Funny and underrated, while still very stupid
This is a silly, waste of a time of a movie. But who cares? It's very entertaining. Harlan Williams is just really, really funny as the Rocket Man. It reminds me of an old Don Knotts movie (you'll have to look up his filmography to find the title of that one) with a similar astronaut plot. I saw the movie when it first came out on video, and I still go around saying, "It wasn't me!"
Tonari no Totoro (1988)
Very Non-Disney. Maybe that's why it's just so very good
Two things always come into my mind when I think of this movie. One is the pacing. And one is the clouds.
Let's talk about the clouds first. They're really amazing. Whenever I look outside and see those same big, puffy, sunny-day clouds, I always tell my kids, "Those are Totorro Clouds." This is of course just one example of the amazing drawing and animation in this movie. Beautiful interior shots with amazing detail. Great drawings of people, although I'll never understand why anime always includes the huge round eyes and the cavernous mouths. There's the one scene where the tree grows all the way up to the sky. All hand drawn, it compares favorably to the best computer-assisted animation by Disney, Dreamworks, or the rest. It's just simply beautiful.
Now on to pacing. The thing that really amazes me about this movie (and the thing that makes it superior to the other movies by this director) is that it is such a small, simple little story. Two young girls, ages about 4 and 7 I'm guessing, go out to the country with their father to be near their seriously ill, convalescing mother. Because of their stress, it seems, they meet some comforting mythological creatures who give them a ride around and then take them back home. That's about it.
There are long, drawn-out scenes in the kitchen and in the family bath that you'd never catch in a Disney film. The most beautiful scene of all is that of the two girls waiting at the bus stop for their father to come home from work. They must wait on screen for at least a few minutes. It's astonishingly shocking and effective in its lack of activity. American filmmakers, who are always claiming that their animation is not just meant for children, still feel the need to pack every second of their movies with nonstop noise and action. Totorro, on the other hand, has the pacing you'd hope for if you moved out to the country. It's a simple, melancholy little film that just strikes me as so damn true to life.
I've got plenty of younger friends who are totally into the more hardcore anime, like Akira and Ghost in the Shell. I always tell them to watch this movie. Now they're all fans as well.
Cool Hand Luke (1967)
Trouble-Causing Rebel Without a Cause
Paul Newman is just so damn cool in this movie, even if I never really do understand his motivation. He ends up in the pokey, and on the chain gang, for destroying public property, after one helluva bender where he decided to cut the heads off a couple dozen parking meters.
So he ends up in a badass southern prison with George Kennedy (who is so good in this movie, it's still a mystery what happened to his acting ability--he won an oscar for this role) and a very young Dennis Hopper, who even at this age, smokes up the screen.
But Newman owns this film. He plays a guy whose sole purpose in life, even in prison is just to be cool--to take every dare and to risk it all every day of the week.
And of course, I can't go through this movie without mentioning the car wash scene, where the chain gang boys happen to be working across the street from a lonely southern girl who gets her kicks by teasing them with her sexuality. Wearing a very thin, very tight sundress, she gets all soapy and wet while washing her old Chevy. George Kennedy just about goes mad trying to decide if he sees better with or without his prison-issue sunglasses: "Puttin' 'em on, boss!" "Takin' 'em off, boss, they're blocking my view!"
Anyway, Newman does a great job showing us one too cool for this earth. You know from the get go that he's not meant to make it to the closing credits.
By the way, it is in this movie where the warden makes famous the line, "What we have here is a failure to communicate!"
Embrace of the Vampire (1995)
Unblemished child star grows up, gets naked, and has lesbian sex on screen
Right from the beginning of this movie, it becomes disturbingly clear that the virginesque Milano, last seen co-starring with Big Daddy Danza in "Who's The Boss," is out to shed both her goody-goody image and most of her clothes. God bless her for that. Also, right from the beginning, the nude Milano gets it on with a bunch of lesbian vamps, most notably Charlotte Lewis and the never-disappointing-when-naked-and-making-out-with-another-naked-woman, Jennifer Tilly. Check out "Bound" if you don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, that's about all there is to this movie. I originally rented it because "Movieline" magazine recommended it as a Direct-To-Video sleeper with a great plot. Maybe it was and maybe I was too busy fast forwarding and rewinding to notice. Yeeooow, Alyssa, I'll show you who's the boss!
Basic Instinct (1992)
I'm ready to uncross my legs for my close up, Mr. DeMille
This was Paul Verhoeven's first movie after Total Recall, and I remember him saying that Basic Instinct was going to do for sex what Total Recall did for violence.
He came pretty close, but the difference is that in TR, we had some investment in the characters. In BI, the only likeable person was Michael Douglas' partner, who, as all good cop partners are, is overweight and happy. And he dies as well. 3 for 3.
But back to the sex. Sharon Stone looks so hot in this movie. Her body is very much that of a woman. Yoww! But the wildest sex scene is when Douglas comes into Jeanne Tripplehorn's apartment. Holy cow! Somebody hose me down.
The plot is good, and reminiscent of Verhoeven's The Fourth Man, which is a much better, if more pure, movie.
Cat People (1982)
Meow!!!
I remember seeing people wear the T-shirts for this movie when it first came out. The back of the shirt had deep red scratches in it and said, "Pet me if you dare!" That gives you a good idea of the sexual tone of the film.
And this film is very much about sex. Malcolm McDowell meets some very well-endowed chick at a funeral, of all places, but he can't quite get his whatsis to function. So she (is that Annette O'Toole?) gets all naked and says, "Don't worry honey. Momma will make it better." And then she bows to him, so to speak, and goes about making more than just his fur stand up. Of course, in lieu of an orgasm, he turns into a cat and eats about half her body.
Poor Malcolm. He knows that he can't find true sexual satisfaction unless he gets one of his own kind. So when Nasty Kinky (or is it Nastassa Kinski?) comes to town, he makes it his goal to get her in heat. We get to see Nasty Kinky walk around naked in the woods, eat a live rabbit in the nude, and finally do it kitty style with brother Malcolm.
So invite Mom and the kids over and get ready for some family fun! Incest, as they say, is relative!
Mrowr!
The Deep (1977)
The World's Longest Wet T-Shirt Contest
You know, I read somewhere recently that Nick Nolte was in this movie. Then I saw it on TBS and sure enough, there he was! Weird. I guess the first time around, I had been too busy staring at Jacqueline Bisset swimming in that cold, cold, ocean water wearing nothing but a very wet T-Shirt. From the looks of things (two things in particular), one can assume that it must have taken some effort for her not to have immediately floated to the top. Considering the movie is about some sort of sea monster or something, I found it quite stimulating.
The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)
My favorite flawed movie of all times
The only acting more annoying than Jennifer Jason Leigh in this movie has to be that done by Lorraine Bracco in Medicine Man. I get what Ms. Leigh was trying to do--the whole Hepburn thing--but holy cow, it doesn't work. She nearly ruins the film.
But she doesn't ruin it, and the rest of the movie is so, so, so incredibly good and inventive and funny and hip and clever that The Hudsucker Proxy has been at the top of my favorite movies list for five years now. I have seen it well over ten times and would love to see it again right now. I constantly quote from this film: "Sure, sure." "You know, for kids." "Wait 'til you get aload of this sweet baby." "A little more giddy, a little more gay." And if someone says they like this film, I immediately respect them, because I know they are intelligent. If you get the movie, you'll do OK in life. If you don't, then I'm worried about you and maybe we should not be friends.
There are so many great scenes--Buzz, the patter-happy elevator boy, The marketing department's naming of "the dingus" (one of the wackiest brainstorming sessions ever), the showdown between the janitor and the maintenance man, the rolling dingus and the boy who first puts it to use. Omygreatgoodness, what a wonderful film.
20 years from now, when the Coen brothers are both hit by a truck, reviewers who originally panned this film will realize that it is a great masterpiece of originality and sheer cleverness. It is absolutely flawed, but who wants perfection. Perfection is boring. Perfection is for saps. This is a great movie. Sure, sure.
Witness (1985)
Where else can you see a topless Amish woman?
The great thing about making a film about the Amish is that you can make it as offensive as you want, because the Amish will never see it. They don't go to movies. They have no TVs or VCRs. So if the Farrelly Brothers want to pose ZZ Top as an Amish Jug Band in Kingpin, or if Peter Wier wants Kelly McGillis to play a topless Amish single mother in Witness, who's to protest? Nobody. Definitely not me.
This is a great movie. I saw it when it first came out in a small town drive in, in the back of Dave's truck. I'd probably had 6 or 7 beers by the time the previews were over, and I still managed to stay awake for the whole thing. I always thought this was probably Harrison's best shot for an Oscar. He's never been this good again. Danny Glover, one of the most underrated actors of our time, is great in it. And Lukas Haas has to be one of the best kid actors of all times. And, except for the fact that he's an official member of Leonardo DeCaprio's groupie club, seems to have turned out fairly normal, albeit less talented.
And what can I say about Kelly McGillis? She looks great in a little white hat and even better with her frock and apron pulled down below her navel. Oh, and she a good actress too.
The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)
It's bad.
This movie is very very dumb. But lots of people are killed and there is lots and lots and lots of astonishingly pointless nudity and sex. None of the nude women are in the least bit famous, but there are naked. That's the only reason to rent this movie, but is that such a bad reason?
The Beastmaster (1982)
Gloriously Gratuitous
Great cheeseball action. Marc Singer's got enough muscles and does well enough with his weapons to hold his own. There are two really enjoyable sword fights in this movie. Rip Torn plays the bad guy, and he is far above anything else in the movie (big surprise), in the same way that James Earl Jones stood out in Conan. But it's always good to have a great bad guy. John Amos is mediocre as usual. And Tanya Roberts is only in the movie for the purpose of showing off her astounding body, which she does very well. There is one glorious nude swimming scene and through the rest of the movie, she wears little enough to keep you interested. You can watch the edited version on TBS about 6 times a year, or you can rent it and see Ms. Roberts naked. I say rent it.
Barbarella (1968)
Goofy and Sexy--the only time those words describe Jane Fonda
These days, if a woman makes a sexy sci-fi movie, her body looks like she spends every waking moment in the gym and she's always covered in misty sweat.
Back in the sixties, when the Future Mrs. Turner made this movie, her beautiful body had not begun the workouts she's now so famous for. She was thin and curvy, but in a very clean, sweatless and soft sort of way.
Keeping that in mind, when Duran Duran straps Jane Fonda to his sex machine (no, not that sex machine, I mean a real machine that's supposed to orgasm Fonda to death) and she begins to writhe around and make her pretty graphic animal sounds, she creates what is in my mind one of the sexiest scenes in all of film history.
The movie is a great, creative, cheeseball, fashionfest of fun, and Fonda's transparent plastic spacesuits make it obvious why the whole galaxy wants to bed her. She is delightfully happy to oblige and we get to watch. Yowza. I wish she'd do a sequel. I bet she still looks good in plexiglass.
Mulholland Falls (1996)
Nolte is good. Treat Williams is Treat Williams
By far the main reason I rented this movie was to see Jennifer Connelly naked, and she definitely gets naked, in grainy black and white, during the opening credits.
The rest of the movie is OK. Nolte does his usual, underappreciated job. Treat Williams plays the same evil villain he plays in The Shadow, and is both strange, unbelievable, and boring. He reminds me of a annoying actor in a small town theatre. Melanie Griffith is better than usual, but that's not saying much. The rest of the supporting cast, Chaz Palmienwhatshisname, Michael Madsen, and Chris Penn, are all very good. I wish the movie was about them, and I wish Jennifer Connelly had more nude scenes, because WOW, what an amazing body, and I wish they were in color.
Barb Wire (1996)
The Greatest Opening Credits Sequence in History
There is no reason to see this movie other than to see Pamela naked. And, unless you get the unrated version, she barely gets naked except for the opening credits.
But what great opening credits! Never have the names of directors, writers, and producers been more titillating. Pamela is doing some sort of bar dance while being hosed down by patrons. Her astonishing, albeit manmade but who cares, body is bouncing this way and that, glistening under artsy lighting and looking, I must say, rather chilly.
But seriously, don't bother with the rest of the movie. Watch the opening sequence 11 or 12 times, like I did, and then drop the movie back off at the vid store. Then, much as Pam seems to have done, go hose yourself down with some cold water.
Chasers (1994)
Positions Erika Eleniak as a True Writhing Star
Tom Berenger! What are you doing in this movie?! What happened to the guy who made Platoon?!
The only reason I can figure that this film was made was because Director Dennis Hopper wanted to spend a few days standing with a camera in front of a nude Erika Eleniak. Now that I think about it, maybe that's not such a bad reason to make a movie. In fact, the only reason I rented the movie was for the nude scenes and, I must say, they are pretty steamy, but also pretty short and pretty doggone silly. Be prepared to rewind.
Under Siege (1992)
Classic Action + Erika Eleniak
Remember when seeing a good action movie practically guaranteed at least one decent gratuitous sex scene. Chuck Norris, Van Damme, etc. always nailed some sexy bimbo at least once for no apparent reason. And the action, while completely unbelievable, was nonstop, predictable and a helluva lot of fun?
Well, that's what we have in this movie. If you don't know already, Seagal, for some reason, is a cook who knows how to totally kick a**. It's the CO's birthday, and Seagal's busy running the kitchen when the terrorists take over. Meanwhile, totally sexy Erika Eleniak is crouching inside a cardboard cake, ready to bust out, and somehow does not notice any of the goings on. So she busts out, gets naked, and proceeds to do the sexy little striptease for a while, again without noticing that there's nobody to watch her other than Seagal and a pile of corpses. Then Seagal, the jerk, gives her his jacket to wear. What was he thinking? There was probably plenty of Saran Wrap in the kitchen he could have used! Then a bunch of other stuff happened and the movie ended.
White Palace (1990)
Susan Sarandon is the sexiest woman on the planet
In this movie, the powerful Susan Sarandon plays a waitress at this cheesy little hamburger joint and gets hooked up with James Spader, a clueless rich guy who is controlled by the combination of his weak will and his overbearing parents. Spader is fine, but he's been better many times. The movie is fine and sort of a realistic version of Pretty Woman. Jason Alexander and Kathy Bates are fine. But who really cares about any of this?
The real reason to see this movie is that, while sleeping next to Spader, Sarandon wakes up in the middle of the night and decides to seduce him. She strips off her top, revealing an amazing body that is both non-Hollywood and incredibly sexual and womanly, and then proceeds to perform acts on Spader that are still illegal in certain Southern states. She is both in control and incredibly vulnerable. She is a sexual powerhouse who is desperate for love. She is secure in the strength and power of her body, while totally longing for love and security to be returned. And she looks great naked. Yes she does.
I must say that since watching this movie at its original release, I have had a steady stream of impure thoughts about Susan Sarandon. I know she's a mom, a political activist, the lifelong partner of Tim Robbins and probably pushing 50, but holy smokes, I sure wish she'd make another film like this and show us again what it means to be truly sexy.
Yikes. I think it's time to rent The Hunger again.
Flesh+Blood (1985)
Plenty of violence, not much substance
There's not a character in this movie I cared for, so it sure didn't matter what happened to any of them. Considering all the violence, it's not very exciting. And considering all the nudity and bawdy talk, it's not very arousing. I'd say skip it.
And the whole plague plot is completely unbelievable and anticlimactic. Way too long of a movie, but that's Verhoven for you.
Straw Dogs (1971)
Ironic thriller with a smoking Dustin Hoffman
I saw this movie after hearing all the recent Peckinpaugh buzz regarding The Wild Bunch. What sets both of these movies apart from their modern-day counterparts is not the amount of violence or intensity, but the reality of it. The characters are finely drawn in various shades of gray.
Plus, Susan George, as in most of her movies, comes through with a decent nude scene! I rewound and watched it at least a few times! Good acting, great suspense and Susan George getting nailed on the couch by a sweaty Englishman! What could be better?!