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Reviews
Ocean's Twelve (2004)
awful. shame on these people.
this movie is the ultimate Hollywood metaphor for masturbation. the only pleasure or gratification from this "film" was from the pot they got to smoke in Amsterdam on top of the collected $120 million the stars all earned. these guys just made this movie and stroked their own egos to such a ridiculous degree that any thoughts of a plausible or accessible plot where not an afterthought, but completely disregarded. it's pure style - hip, "edgy" (edgy meaning crooked) camera angles, brad pitt in cool clothes, ludicrous and contrived dialogue laboring to be witty, and just a blatant disregard for the audience's intellect. Oceans 12 is an affront to the intellect of the American populace, trailer trash included. I hope Clooney, Pitt, and Soderbergh don't have another hit for the next 30 years for putting this steaming pile of crap out there. If there should be an Ocean's 13 in the future, I might just have to go on a three state killing spree. Pure garbage, pure drivel, shame on everyone involved for trying to pass this off as entertainment. You deserve a fate that I cannot describe on this forum. crap. pure crap.
Boys and Girls (2000)
this movie is an insult to humanity
To call the acting in this "film" as "competent" is a gross overstatement and an immense sign of disrespect to the craft of actual acting. The one thing Boys and Girls does have going for it is an unprecedented combination poor acting and laughable acting as well as the dubious distinction of being the last known sighting of Heather Donohue. It is, admittedly interesting to see the turns and twists the writer and director do attempt to throw at the audience, but the fact that the story is pathetically predictable from the get-go trivializes their attempts, however poor they might be. The characters are one-dimensional, the dialogue is flat and at times ludicrous, and the creators would be doing mankind a favor if they could somehow hunt down every copy of this movie that exists and destroy them. Do yourself a favor and take the two hours of your life to learn harmonica.
Harvard Man (2001)
someone make these people go away.
this is one of the worst movies i've ever seen in my life. i've never been subjected to more pretentious, yuppie film school drivel in my entire life. the acting is mediocre, they try to lure you in with twisted sexuality and drugs, but it all comes out being plain obnoxious. rent it if only to flush it down your toilet. sarah michelle, you're better than this. you don't need to do a crappy movie to be edgy. you need an edgy movie to be edgy. stop. stop stop stop stop stop.
Lolita (1997)
Dominique Swain...Wow.
Look, I am by no means a professional movie critic (probably better that way), but I've seen more than my fair share of movies. All I can say is that I am a huge fan of the book and for a 15 year old girl to portray Lolita the way Dominique Swain did is absolutely breathtaking. One can only hope that she does not go the way of the typical teen star and go into making lame horror flicks and poorly executed teen sex romps. She is so much better than that. If you want to see some incredible talent, check out her performance here. Incredible.
The In Crowd (2000)
Why does this exist?
I find it highly doubtful that there are studio execs, producers, and writers (if you can call them that) who took the first treatment of this movie and said "Wow. We have one helluva movie here." I can't allow myself to believe that there are some higher ups that thought this piece of teensploitation somehow contributed something, anything, to the world other than preteen masturbatory fodder.
But I digress; here it is, larger than life, making stars out of the people involved and no doubt titillating junior highers all over the world while simultaneously destroying the brain cells not killed off by Papa Roach and rest of the rap rock genre.
Alas, let me get back to the point. Sabotage, sex, and elitism...what a great foundation for a movie whose demographic is the 13-17 year old age bracket. And people wonder why society has the ills it has today. My point is that this film exists solely to get teenagers horny. It has no artistic merit; even using that term in any regards to this flick is laughable. I can only pray it flops so horribly, ruining the careers of those responsible for the production and distribution of it, that studio heads might take note and never make anything even remotely like this.
Where the Heart Is (2000)
Pretty Dope
I gave this movie an eight out of ten, solely for Natalie Portman. The woman is radiant. The woman is beautiful, and I'm inclined to believe the only reason she's not gracing the cover of People's 50 Most Beautiful right now is because she's too humble to even appear in it (Either that, or they're blind over there). But even without her totally ethereal presence, this movie is completely hers to own, and she does not disappoint. She makes you feel her character deep down inside of you. She leaps off the screen; she's more than convincing, she's totally breathtaking. Admittedly, I obviously have a huge crush on her. But her talent is undeniable, because this is otherwise a pretty mediocre hybrid of Fried Green Tomatoes and Pregnant at Seventeen. Well, the acting is fine, but it gets corny at times and has some certainly very predictable parts, but Portman makes you forget all that. See it just to watch today's most incredible actress grow.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)
Shameless exhibitionism of breasts
There are only two reasons that this is not the worst horror movie of all time. One: Urban Legends came out at about the same time, and two: Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage. First off, one has to wonder what exactly is going to the writer's minds when they make a film like this. Actually, I take that back. One has to wonder if the writers responsible for this rubbish have any semblance of minds at all. No, wait...that's not it. One has to wonder what kind of moronic single-celled amoeba would take the time to crate such a laughably pathetic script? To be honest, this movie is just plain awful. For one, it seems as though a cro-magnon type beast that listens to too much Barenaked Ladies was responsible for this. It is so full of idiotic lines and references that I heard various viewers whose dates would not let them leave early threaten to inflict serious bodily harm on themselves throughout the course of the film. In fact, the poor guy next to me, upon hearing a particulary atrocious Freddie Prinze deliver another horribly missing tough guy line (again, for the eightieth time), actually bashed his head into the chair in front of him while keeling over in embarrassment for having paid the seven bucks to see it. Me, I was too entranced watching the hypnotic jigglings of Miss Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts, the real star of the film. Honestly, if it wasn't for strategically placed cleavage shots, a tribute to both the director and the genetic forerunners of Jennifer, this film would not be worth the price of the regurgitated popcorn on the men's room floor in the lobby. People, listen up: Hollywood is not going to stop churning out this type of excruciatingly awful type of movie unless we as the public refuse to pay our hard earned money to subject ourselves to the torturous process of watching. Therefore, on the strength of "I still know..." and "Urban Legends" and "200 Cigarettes," I urge all of you to just stop going to this hip teen escapist fare. I plead with all of you to not let the standards of movie making drop so far as to making the breasts of a nineteen year old girl (albeit a super-hot and beautiful nineteen year old girl)the main attraction in a movie. Without box office failures, movie moguls will never learn. And sooner or later, it will be "I Still Know and will never forget because you won't die What you did fourteen summers ago to my wooden boyfriend, my big breasted best friend and my invitingly compelling cleavage Part 94." Look, I love beautiful women as much as the next guy, but Jennifer, Brandy- next time you agree to do a movie, read the script first. I implore you.
200 Cigarettes (1999)
Perhaps the biggest waste of two hours ever created
Oh man...talk about a stinker of an awful atrocity of an excuse for entertainment. You know, this movie epitomizes everything that is wrong in the movie industry today -- just stick together a bunch of good looking big name celebrities with tons of web sites devoted to them together with a hip soundtrack and see what they can pull off. This entire story seems like it was written by a fifteen year old. Worse yet, a moronic fifteen year old. Honestly. And all there is to blame for this absolute mess of a terrible film is MTV. It seems to me that the only people this movie would appeal to are those absolutely void of any semblance of a brain, because this movie is kind of like a slow-growing fungus. It starts off seemingly harmless, a bit annoying, but tolerable. But it keeps growing and growing and there is never any hope in sight except to mercifully kill it or yourself.
In the movie's feeble defense, all of the performances are very good, particularly Christina Ricci (good as always, I suppose) and the girl from wings. But nobody can save this junker. Save yourself two hours and seven bucks and just go stare at a wall for two hours. At least your mind will wander and your brain will be somewhat stimulated.
The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)
I must state before I talk about the movie that I...
I must state before I talk about the movie that I have been a Christian for the last five years. I live my life to be Christlike, as well as I do believe with all of my heart in the story of the gospels.
I must say, of all of the variations I've heard telling the story of Jesus Christ, through seven years of presbyterian school and nineteen years of catholic upbringing, this movie by far offers the most compelling, the most accessible, and is the only one that really makes Jesus out to what I believe him to be.
Supposedly Jesus was the Son of God and supposedly Jesus was a human. So what is wrong with him being tempted as every man is? There is a huge difference between being tempted and actually committing the sin. The miracle of Jesus is that he did not sin. He did not succumb to the carnal desires that all men must invariably do. Yet his struggle to resist temptation as well as find out who He really was makes him all the more human and the story of Christ so much more inspiring.
Scorsese's vision coupled with Willem DaFoe in the best performance of his career capture that struggle and that humanity. And as a result, I've never been more proud to be a Christian.
Lifeboat (1944)
As gut-wrenching as any Hitchcock
For some reason, "Lifeboat" has remained a relatively obscure and overlooked Hitchcock film. True, the pace is nothing like a North By Northwest or Rear Window, but the level of drama provided is as high as any of Hitchcock's films, early or late. The scene where the mother wakes up in Tallulah's fur coat and asks where her little Johnny is was one of the most gut wrenching scenes I've ever seen in a movie, and I've seen plenty of movies. The movie, while wonderfully developing its own nine characters, also raises questions aimed at the viewer, pointedly questioning how each one of us would react in those certain situations. Personally, I thought the movie was another Hitchcock masterpiece, and I would definitely give it four out of four stars.