Reviews
Kazaam (1996)
good film-bad film
Let's play a game of good film-bad film. Mad Max was a good film, water world was a bad film. Goldeneye was a good film, view to a kill was a bad film. Kazaam is the bad film version of 'Bernard and the Genie' (1992). Look at the plot: Loser finds genie. Genie helps loser. Genie likes 20th century life. Lenny Henry makes a much better genie than Shaq, though. I can't believe the casting for this film. Shaq should learn that sportsmen don't make actors. Just look at Frank Bruno. And what is it with Francis Capra? I had to kick the telly over every time he came on, he is that annoying. Who else thinks it's ironic that 'Capra' is latin for goat. Well, Francis and Shaq can be proud of this one. Like Frank Bruno can be proud of his acting. As far as films go, this one smells 'like a hippopotamus butt'. And we're talking one smelly hippo. Guys, take it from me, you don't want to put this one at the top of the old curriculum vitae. Well that's all I've got time for. I have to be back at the lab by six...
Free Willy (1993)
Keep a pencil handy
As I sat atop my throne of skulls, a minion offered my this piece of cinematic filth. I naively ignored the health warning on the box, and watched it. Since then, the minion has been tortured to death with a pencil. It has the most ridiculous plot I have ever heard of. Whoever wrote it should be thrown in my dungeon with Glen Hoddle and the Spice girls. When the kid fell in the tank, I really wished he would drown. Perhaps I should mention at this point that I wasn't mad BEFORE I watched it. Overall, watching this film will result in severe dementia, and a waste of a perfectly good pencil.
Searching for Bobby Fischer (1993)
Where are the turnips????
Sitting on my supreme throne, I play a game of chess. But I use living pieces. Perhaps this film would have been better if they had done the same. But who can understand? As I watch two pawns hack each other to bits with two pencils and a turnip, I think how shallow the finale was in comparison. Two crappy little kids playing chess? And not a turnip in sight? Don't get me wrong, I love chess. I even know what phillidor's legacy is. But nobody wants to watch a film about it. Take a hint from me, it would have been so much better with pencils, root vegetables, and that thing they do with the special wire waistcoat. Now be gone. I must return to my invasion plans for Bulgaria.
Free Willy 3: The Rescue (1997)
This formula is old and mouldy.
We who rule the pit of Sidcup are not amused. They should have learned, but no. I tried to warn them. I even sent twenty armed henchmen to chop their arms and legs off, but no. Jason James Richter, besides having a stupid name, is too old for this thing! Send him to the graveyard with Macaulay Culkin. If they bring out a fourth, I will personally rain fire and brimstone on all those responsible. At least they ditched Francis Capra. Perhaps they should try 'FREE BIDDY', where there's an old woman swimming about, and they chuck fish at her, or feed the latest annoying little kid to her. It would sell a lot more! So now I must take my ship to sea, and personally slaughter as many whales as possible. Why don't you come and get me, suckers?
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)
Don't make me laugh!
My lair is filled with booby traps. Nobody has ever survived the potato minefield. Unfortunately, one of my minions was decapitated trying to bring me this film. I watched it while wondering how they could classify it as comedy. The worst thing about it is that it is identical to the original. This is because the original was equally rubbish. And also, I believe that Macaulay Culkin has all the acting techniques of a half-eaten parsnip. Pesci is the only member of the cast that makes this film worth seeing. But he should still be cooked in a trouser-press for this. Well, now I must return to planning the destruction of Sidcup Cinema...
The War of the Worlds (1953)
I hate this film more than I hate Kazaam(1996)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oooo, I hate this film. I hate it, I hate it! The war of the worlds is my absolute favourite novel ever, but how dare they do this to it? The original novel was written in 1898, yes, the 19th century, and set in ENGLAND. ENGLAND, d'you hear? There were no planes, or nukes, and they completely obliterated my favourite chapter, THE THUNDERCHILD, where a 19th century torpedo-ram warship destroys two of the martians. That's another point. The martians had legs!! This is important: H.G.Wells notes that the wheel that is pivotal in human technology is replaced by the leg, nature's own preferred choice. I still hate them for setting it in America!! I hate it!!! And the novel was written from a first person perspective. Surely that must mean something? There was no woman! What happened to the curate??? How dare they involve a plane? And also, I might note, that in the novel, the TRUE war of the worlds, the aliens couldn't fly. They were only just learning to at the end. And what happened to the red weed??? Philistines! I hate it, I hate it!!!!!! I wouldn't hate this film so much if they had called it something different, it really doesn't deserve the name war of the worlds. Set it in America? Why America, of all places, why??? How dare they??? I am now off to burn every copy of this film ever made. Good day to you.
Beethoven's 2nd (1993)
Drown them all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So what if I hate dogs, children and Americans? I can still enjoy this film can't I?? Now let's see... No!! No More!! If they bring out a third they'll regret it! Bwahahahaha!!! What exactly is the plot?? Is it possible that I fell asleep and missed half of it? No, because there's boredom, and just plain sickness. Well, they should have drowned the puppies, cos I hate them. If any animal rights people complain at me, I'll have them drowned as well. In fact, I might just go and flood the entire American continent. Millennium hand and shrimp. That's what you think. Hats.