Thom-P Reviews

Emmanuelle's Revenge (1993 TV Movie)

Emmanuelle looking her age.

[5/10 · 1 June 2002]

This film is an official sequel to the original 1974 release directed by Just Jaeckin and starring Sylvia Kristel. Alas, Jaeckin's lush, erotic style is poorly imitated by director Francis Leroi (rumored to be a pseudonym for European porn pioneer, Lasse Braun) and Kristel's better days were already well behind her when this movie was made. The basic premise involves a now older Emmanuelle (Kristel) regaling a businessman (George Lazenby of ill-fated Bond fame) with stories of her past erotic exploits while on a flight to God knows where. The film then reverts to flashbacks in which said exploits are depicted in typical softcore fashion, with pouty Marcela Walerstein in the role of the younger Emmnauelle. This was actually one in a series of 6 films made back-to-back by producer Alain Siritzky, all with the same cast, sets and basic premise. The others being: Emmanuelle Forever, Emmanuelle's Love, Emmanuelle in 7th Heaven, Emmanuelle's Magic and Emmanuelle in Venice.

Troll 2 (1990)

My brain hurts.

[1/10 · 28 May 2002]

Anyone even remotely involved in the making of this movie should be shot on sight. The original negative should be destroyed. The lab where the film was processed should be burned to the ground. All video copies and theatrical prints should be used for landfill. We must rid the earth of this cancer once and for all.

Massacre Mafia Style (1974)

More cojones than The Godfather.

[10/10 · 20 April 2002]

Duke Mitchell's THE EXECUTIONER looks like it was shot for fifty bucks over a long weekend. That said, it is still one of the very best American gangster films ever made. Alternately mean-spirited, tragic, poetic and downright hilarious, it pushes the envelope beyond the bounds of acceptability and offers no apologies. This is about as raw and honest as it gets, folks. An absolute must-see.

Planet of the Apes (2001)

Pathetic.

[1/10 · 23 January 2002]

Being a big fan of the "other" PLANET OF THE APES films, I rented this DVD despite my aversion to all things Tim Burton. Once again, he doesn't fail to disappoint with his uninspired direction. Even the ape makeup looks second rate, which is unforgivable considering the monstrous budget of this monstrosity. Mark Wahlberg proves once and for all that he is not an actor (as if BOOGIE NIGHTS wasn't proof enough). I was embarrassed for genuine talents such as Tim Roth and Helena Bonham Carter. No doubt their paychecks motivated them since it couldn't possibly have been the cliche-ridden screenplay. I rented this DVD on a special $1 night and I still feel ripped off.

Madhouse (1981)

Better than expected.

[6/10 · 16 January 2002]

Okay, I admit this film isn't a masterpiece by any stretch, but slasher aficionados should find it enjoyable. I certainly did and was rather surprised by all the negative reviews I'd previously read. Granted, it's slow going in places, but the murders are genuinely creepy, as well as performances by Dennis Robertson as the twisted Father James and Allison Biggers as the deformed sister, Mary. Some ample doses of blood (in the unrated version) also add to the proceedings. While the film may not appeal to erstwhile horror fans, anybody with a taste for slashers will surely appreciate this entry in the genre.

Note: Some reviewers have condemned this film for lifting a scene out of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, but the the fact of the matter is that both films were released in the same year (1981), so it's debatable as to who stole what from whom. Personally, I preferred the scene as it was staged in this film, regardless of which came first. See it for yourself and you be the judge.

Moving Target (1988)

See Ernest Borgnine sink to new depths!

[1/10 · 26 December 2001]

What a shame to see the star of MARTY and THE WILD BUNCH, the great Ernest Borgnine, forced to accept roles in such pedestrian films during the latter stages of his often brilliant career. The only thing noteworthy about this waste of celluloid is that it co-stars Janine Lindemulder (credited as Janine Linde), who went on to become a porn star when her mainstream career obviously didn't pan out. Watch this film to find out why.

Mafia Connection (1989 Video)

Karin Schubert goes hardcore

[1/10 · 17 September 2001]

Unless you have a penchant for fisting or golden showers, this film serves only as a curiosity in that it features former softcore/pseudo-mainstream actress, Karin Schubert performing in a hardcore sex scene. Note: She does not engage in any of the nasty aforementioned acts. Just straight sex.

A Man for Emmanuelle (1969)

The first Emmanuelle.

[5/10 · 3 September 2001]

To some extent, "Io, Emmanuelle" can be considered a film of historical significance, if only because it marks the first screen appearance of the infamous Emmanuelle character later immortalized by the likes of Sylvia Kristel, Krista Allen and also Laura Gemser in the offshoot, single "M" Emanuelle series. Here, the free-spirited beauty is played by Italian Euro-Goddess, Erika Blanc, best known as the succulent succubus in Jean Brismée's "La Plus Longue Nuit du Diable" (aka "The Devil's Nightmare"). However, apart from its title, this film shares little in common with the erotic exploits of the Kristel/Allen series, nor does it much resemble the all out exploitation efforts starring Laura Gemser (and most often directed by Joe D'Amato). Instead, this is basically an artsy, Euro treatment with very little story or character development and seems mainly an excuse to have Blanc cavort about in various states of dress and undress. Surprising since it was directed by Cesare Canevari, who would later helm the Nazi-exploitation classic, "Gestapo's Last Orgy." Interesting as a curiosity, but that's about it. For Emmanuelle collectors and Erica Blanc fetishists only.

Truth or Dare? (1986)

Top notch low budgeter

[7/10 · 9 April 2001]

After reading the other reviews of this film, it seems many people measure quality by the amount of money that went into a production. Go figure... Truth or Dare? - A Critical Madness was indeed made on a shoestring, but writer/director, Tim Ritter displays more imagination in 5 minutes than any of today's big budget horror films can manage in 2 hours. Ignore the naysayers and see this little gem from the 80s. Serious horror fans need only apply.

La veuve de Buda-Fesse (1994)

Angelica Bella rocks!

[10/10 · 18 December 2000]

The hungry Hungarian beauty, Angelica Bella does it all in this sordid tale of a horny widow out to settle her late (rich) husband's estate. From steamy action with the maid to a free-for-all with four of her husband's business associates, Angelica puts all of her assets to good use.

The Woman in Black (1989 TV Movie)

The mother of all hauntings!

[19 October 2000]

I just finished watching this film on DVD about 15 minutes ago. One thing is certain - I won't sleep tonight. Not since I was a child has a movie instilled such fear in me. The Woman in Black is simply the spookiest ghost story you will ever see and serve as a reminder that you're never too old to hide under the covers. Many reviewers here dare you to watch it late at night with all the lights turned off. Trust me - don't! Not if you value your sleep.

The Sexual Story of O (1984)

How to make a movie in 2 days.

[1/10 · 11 October 2000]

WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS (though you may thank me for them later).

Just picked up an ex-rental and thought I'd offer a little review of this Jess Franco "classic." The box reads: "An aristocrat and his friends invite beautiful women to their home where they torture and rape them." Oooookay.

The film begins with a woman masturbating in a highrise apartment building. For the sake of simplicity, let's call her Masturbating Woman. Across the way, in another highrise, are a couple whom I gather are supposed to represent the Aristocrat and his Mistress, though it's hard to imagine an Aristocrat living in what is basically a pre-fab apartment complex. Whatever... Aristocrat and Mistress spot Masturbating Woman through their window and decide to have sex. Masturbating Woman also spots Aristocrat and Mistress and decides to continue masturbating. It is here that Franco displays his total command of the art of montage as he deftly cross-cuts between the two settings, treating us to a startling display of masturbating and fornicating that just goes back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until the doorbell rings in Masturbating Woman's apartment, interrupting her bliss.

Masturbating Woman answers to find the Mistress standing there and the two decide to have sex. After a fair bit of lesbianism, Aristocrat himself joins the ladies for a threesome. Then Masturbating Woman leaves for no apparent reason and Aristocrat and Mistress decide to have sex in Masturbating Woman's apartment.

Later that day, Masturbating Woman and Mistress have sex again, though we are never quite sure in who's apartment. No doubt, Franco intended this in order to keep his audience disoriented, or else he just didn't have time to shoot any establishing scenes. No matter, because soon Aristocrat joins the ladies for yet another threesome, brilliantly mirroring the previous threesome scene.

Then the three take a boat ride across a lake to a country villa where resides a Stern-Looking Woman and, as we will later learn, a Wimpish Man. After some brief introductions, the foursome decide to have sex and it is during this scene (or perhaps a later sex scene - my memory fails me here so cut me some slack) that said Wimpish Man appears from behind a plate-glass window and proceeds to watch for a while. However, not content as a spectator, Wimpish Man soon joins in the action and after shooting his bolt, starts to cry for reasons known only to Franco.

Later, Aristocrat goes for a walk on the beach and meets Masturbating Woman. The two have sex in a field and in a subtle stroke of genius, Franco has us believe that the two have inexplicably fallen in love. As is the case whenever two people fall in love, Masturbating Woman returns to the villa for a nap while Aristocrat continues wandering aimlessly across the beach.

Back at the villa, Masturbating Woman is roused from her nap by the Mistress, who proceeds to stick a syringe in Masturbating Woman's arm. Masturbating Woman vehemently protests, but only verbally since any physical struggle would have required more camera setups than Franco had time to shoot. When Masturbating Woman awakens from her drug-induced slumber, her vision is obscured by gauze filters over the camera lens, but she can still distinguish the Mistress, Stern-Looking Woman and Wimpish Man, all of whom are now donning various S&M costumes. The Mistress then chains Masturbating Woman's wrists. Again, Masturbating Woman protests, but only verbally since any physical struggle would have interfered with Franco's epic 2-day shooting schedule.

Once Masturbating Woman has been falsely-secured, Wimpish man produces a miniature spiked ball and chain which he uses to supposedly whip Masturbating Woman, although every blow only manages to hit the mattress. This can be interpreted either as Franco's symbolic statement that all of our bodies are merely used mattresses with which to contain our souls, or else his non-existent FX budget didn't allow for the tearing of flesh. No matter though because soon the S&M freaks produce blood-drenched whips and proceed to lash Masturbating Woman's naked body, streaking it red with ketchup stains. This turns them on so much that Stern-Looking Woman kneels over the bed and begins stabbing Masturbating Woman repeatedly, which affords Wimpish Man the opportunity to mount Stern-Looking Woman from behind while the Mistress masturbates off to the side.

Meanwhile, Aristocrat returns from his aimless wandering and sees the S&M addicts in the process of killing the woman he apparently loves. Conveniently, he just happens to have a shotgun in his hands and immediately opens fire, killing everyone.

In a gut-wrenching grand finale, we see Aristocrat carrying Masturbating Woman's dead body into the sea as Franco's camera pans up to the sun, suggesting that the sun is hot and the water is cold and we will all die eventually. Fin.

Emmanuelle 6 (1988)

See Nathalie Uher remove her clothes, again and again and again...

[6/10 · 16 April 2000]

Penned by noted ero-gothic horror-meister, Jean Rollin, this 6th installment in the seemingly unending Emmanuelle series steals a page from that other Emanuelle (single M) series starring Laura Gemser in its attempts to blend erotic fantasy and sleazy exploitation with some vague premise involving a drug-lord and white slavery ring. Alas, director Bruno Zincone will never be mistaken for Joe D'Amato (or Just Jaeckin for that matter) and whatever seedy elements contained in Rollin's story are handled in an awkward and haphazard manner. On the plus side, the lovely Nathalie Uher as Emmanuelle certainly is a scrumptious specimen and proves rather adept at removing her clothes whenever the script calls for it (which, fortunately, is quite often, god bless her). Now, if only somebody had bothered to explain to her that acting and modeling are not one in the same, she might have had a future as a B-queen at the very least. Instead, she disappeared into oblivion like so many other pretty faces, but what a pretty face indeed. Nathalie, where for art thou?

Emmanuelle Forever (1993 TV Movie)

Proof positive that there's no such thing as "Forever"

[3/10 · 25 March 2000]

Pouty Marcela Walerstein stars as Young Emmanuelle and while her looks are certainly up to par, that's probably the only good thing I can say about this otherwise run of the mill stroke fest.

While on a flight to God knows where (I forget, actually, so cut me some slack, okay?), Young Emmanuelle regales a middle-aged businessman, played by a distinctly cobwebbed George Lazenby (no doubt still smarting from turning down that multi-picture Bond deal so many years ago) with stories of her sexual escapades, which are then depicted through a series of flashbacks.

Sylvia Kristel, as Old Emmanuelle (and looking every bit the part), is also along for the ride, if only to validate the whole thing as a genuine sequel. I guess it is. Just not a very good one, I'm afraid.

Of course, there's ample nudity and softcore sex from start to finish, and the film is not without its erotic moments, particularly during one scene involving Ms. Walerstein, 2 lesbians and some food, but all in all, this is one of the more flaccid entries in the Emmanuelle series. Worth a look if only to say you've seen them all, but is that something you really want to brag about?

The Vicious Sweet (1997)

Strictly amateur

[1/10 · 21 February 2000]

The more I see of this so-called new independent cinema, the more I think "independent" simply means an amateur, shot-on-video production which otherwise never would have seen the light of day because the makers obviously lack the talent to succeed in the real movie business. Case in point, The Vicious Sweet, a very pedestrian offering which only proves that some people weren't meant to work on either side of a camera. Instead of any legitimate acting, we get a lot of self-important posturing while dialogue is delivered so forcibly that you can see the lines leap right off the script pages. The camera work is obviously rock video influenced, something which unfortunately passes for mise-en-scène these days, while the gore effects are used strictly for shock value in place of any real scares. Whereas shot-on-video productions such as The Blair Witch Project and The Last Broadcast succeeded because of their innovative approach to the format, this film, or should I say video, makes it abundantly clear that affordable public access to video technology isn't necessarily a good thing.

The Last House on Dead End Street (1973)

Don't believe the hype.

[1/10 · 7 February 2000]

I'd heard a lot about this film over the years and a friend recently sent me a copy which I just finished screening. In my opinion, its notoriety is totally unwarranted. There is nothing disturbing or even remotely unsettling about it, except for the fact that some people think it's a good movie. They speak of its aesthetic qualities and how the grainy images (looks like it was shot on super-8) lend an authentic feel, but for the life of me I can't see how considering the amateur acting and dime store special effects, not to mention that all of the dialogue and sound was obviously post-dubbed and completely out of sync.

I expected something uneasy along the lines of Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer and Clean, Shaven, but with less production value. Or perhaps subversive cinema in the tradition of Cannibal Holocaust and Nekromantik. Instead, I saw a film which barely rivals the 8mm movies I used to make with friends back in high school. Come to think of it, if Dead End Street can do it, I should dig out all my old reels and string them into a feature. Heck, I may have a cult hit on my hands! What a joke...

The Night of the Hunted (1980)

Rollin meets Kafka

[5/10 · 29 January 2000]

The ever gorgeous Brigitte Lahaie wanders aimlessly through this Kafka-esque plot about an amnesiac trying to escape from a strange clinic where the staff tortures and sexually abuses patients as part of some undefined rehabilitation process. Could have been interesting had the ideas been better developed, but director Rollin concentrates more on getting Ms. Lahaie and the other female cast members out of their clothes rather than trivial matters such as story and characterization. The sterile atmosphere makes for some bland visuals and without Rollin's trademark gothic settings, there is little to entice the eye, apart from said lovelies.

It's Alive (1974)

Children can be such pains!

[6/10 · 25 January 2000]

If horror films were judged purely on concept, Larry Cohen would be considered a genius. Unfortunately, he never had the funds to properly realize his innovative ideas, or today we might be speaking of It's Alive in the same breath as The Exorcist or Jaws. That Cohen managed to make a good film at all, let alone a classic with little more than spare change is a tribute to the man's talent. Remember the expression, "Children are such little monsters"? Well, It's Alive takes things to the literal extreme. Sure it looks like a bad TV movie from the seventies. Never mind that the special effects are cheese of the highest rank. This sometimes very creepy, sometimes very funny monster movie may be considered schlock by some, but ignore the naysayers and see for yourself why originality and imagination will carry a film so much farther than the size of its budget. It's all in the concept.

Don't Go in the House (1979)

One of life's guilty pleasures.

[8/10 · 13 December 1999]

If you can get past the weak acting and terrible cinematography (dang thing looks like it was shot by my grandmother and she was color blind and always wore sunglasses), then you're in for a crazy ride as long suffering Donald seeks vengeance against the female race for years of abuse at the hands of his mean old mother. This exploitation gem from the late-great 80s, when horror films practiced misogyny with alarming frequency, is actually one of the better offerings from the period. A creepy setting, decent plot and half-decent special effects, a naked babe in bondage and some tacky disco music are all part of its subversive charm. Definitely not a date movie. You have been warned.

Ilsa, the Wicked Warden (1977)

The queen of femme fatales!

[9/10 · 6 December 1999]

Directed by noted shlockmeister, Jess Franco, this unofficial sequel to the Ilsa series proves a worthy addition as it does adhere to the Ilsa formula in many ways, most notably with its star, the voluptuous Dyanne Thorne, so I ain't complaining. This time around, Ilsa heads a South American clinic for sexually depraved women. What little plot there is involves a beautiful woman (Tania Busselier) who goes undercover as a patient in order to investigate her sister's disappearance, but as with all Ilsa movies, the story plays second fiddle to the sleaze. When Ilsa's not inflicting various forms of cruel and unusual punishment or making hidden-camera porno flicks, she likes to unwind with her favorite patient (Lina Romay), who serves as Ilsa's informant, plaything and human pin cushion. Romay is actually quite funny as the brash teacher's pet who always bosses the other patients around ("Wash my poodle!"). Of course, Ilsa must also keep her own superiors happy, as depicted in one hilarious scene where she seduces the federal prison director with her "ample" charms. While Wicked Warden lacks the hunky American hero who usually brings Ilsa to her knees with his sexual prowess, the film's climax, an inmate revolt, is probably the most memorable of the entire series. Without giving anything away, let's just say that in the end, Ilsa gets what's coming to her and the results are hard to swallow.

Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976)

Exploitation cinema at its best!

[9/10 · 5 December 1999]

Dyanne Thorne is at her campy (and sultry) finest in this second installment of the Ilsa series, delivering juicy dialogue with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Kudos also go to Victor Alexander, who plays the degenerate Sheik El Sharif to the hilt, as well as C.D. Lafleur for his hilarious Henry Kissinger impersonation. Lest anyone should think this is a comedy, well, it is, sorta... It's also one of the most over the top sleaze fests you'll ever witness. As the old saying goes, they don't make 'em like this anymore. As Harem Keeper begins, we find Ilsa at the head of a white slave ring where her primary duty is to train innocent young girls for service in the lecherous El Sharif's harem. When she's not instructing recruits on proper "tongue" technique, Ilsa also busies herself adding to her stable of eunuchs with the help of her lesbian henchwomen, Satin and Velvet. Yes, Ilsa is your classic man-hater, but the frigid ice goddess soon melts in the arms of the studly American diplomat, who's actually a spy intent on overthrowing the sheik's corrupt government. But let's not let trivial details such as story get in the way of a great performance by Ms. Thorne, who shifts between wicked witch and giggly schoolgirl with ease. Marvel as Ilsa succumbs to her own lustful desires and falls under the spell of some good ol' fashioned "manpower!" Think of it as an adult comic book come to life, full of hardcore gore (at least by 70s standards) and softcore sex, and enjoy it for what is is - trashy exploitation at its best.

Ilsa the Tigress of Siberia (1977)

From a roar to a meow.

[5/10 · 4 December 1999]

Tigress starts out promising enough with Ilsa as the kommie kommander of a Siberian gulag. Between torturing political prisoners and feeding them to her tiger, the buxom goddess still finds time for some nightly romps with her rowdy guards and the results are often hilarious. Alas, proceedings take a turn for the worse when the scene shifts to a bordello in Montreal. I mean, when you think of all the gruesome settings in the Ilsa series: a Nazi P.O.W. camp, a Middle Eastern slave harem, an asylum in South America and said gulag, a Montreal bordello really pales in comparison. Furthermore, Ilsa's torture techniques are now performed via a (yawn...) mind control chamber. Instead of physically tormenting her victims, she inflicts psychological torture which results in several highly forgettable hallucinatory sequences. But the producers really missed the boat when they decided to play the latter half as a straight action drama with very little of the campy flair which made the series (and the first part of the movie) so entertaining. Another big mistake was to forego Ilsa's classic transformation from cold-hearted vixen to vulnerable lust-bunny. One of the most appealing (and humorous) aspects of her character was the fact that this femme fatale could be brought to her knees and made a love slave when the right "stud" came along. In Tigress, she's just a one-dimensional sadist from beginning to end. Also missing in action are Ilsa's prerequisite pair of lesbian henchwomen, which makes one wonder if the producers even bothered to watch the first two movies! Even the ending, when Ilsa gets her usual comeuppance, seems largely uninspired and comes across as if they simply ran out of ideas. All in all, Tigress is worthwhile viewing only for true fans of the series. To the uninitiated, I'd suggest Harem Keeper or She Wolf for your first taste of Ilsa's whip.

Satan's Princess (1989)

All hail Lydie-- er, I mean, Satan!

[5/10 · 9 October 1999]

Apart from the always solid, Robert Forster, this film features some very telegraphed performances, an uneven script, connect-the-dots direction and the sizzling Lydie Denier, who steals the show every time she peels off an article of clothing, which is in just about every second scene. Kudos to director Bert Gordon for at least understanding that when you're dealt a bad script, there's always the lovely Lydie to keep the interest levels up.

The Shiver of the Vampires (1971)

Artsy-fartsy vampire flick.

[2/10 · 27 September 1999]

Leave it to the French to make an artsy-fartsy vampire flick. A heavy emphasis on atmosphere, decor and sex while devoid of any substance. Pretentious acting, weak direction and a mediocre script. On the plus side, the score is kinda groovy and the naked babes (it's a French film, after all) make it easier on the eyes, though not enough to recommend.

Spider Baby or, The Maddest Story Ever Told (1967)

Low budget, high praise!

[10/10 · 19 September 1999]

Strange that after watching Spider Baby, I should flick thru the channels while rewinding the tape and come across a late night broadcast of Lon Chaney Jr. in The Wolf Man. Coincidence? Apparently so, but after watching a goodly portion (I hadn't seen Wolf Man since childhood), I realized what a shame it is the world will always remember Chaney Jr. for his wooden performance in what was basically formula studio fare while remaining painfully ignorant of his superior performance in Spider Baby, itself a far superior film.

Director Jack Hill's blacker than black comedy-horror was shot on a shoestring budget and displays more imagination than a dozen big budget bores rolled into one. The always amusing Sid Haig and a stellar cast of nobodies round out this tale of a fun loving, albeit deranged family suffering the effects of a rare congenital disease, all the while cared for by their loving chauffeur (Chaney). When trouble arrives in the form of some greedy distant relatives with their Hitler-esque lawyer in tow, well, you really have to see this film to believe it. Spider Baby is simply a blast!