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Reviews
Bazaar Bizarre (2004)
Bad in a mystically epic way
I checked the box for "contains spoiler", but there's no box for "contains spoiled material", which would have been more apt. I'm not sure it's possible to make a more inept documentary, but I haven't seen the director's other work. Perhaps, sadly, this is his Godfather.
Here's an overview: Weak flashback dramatizations, odd musical tributes, and actual archive material have been mixed together (can't quite call this editing) in a haphazard way and presented for your viewing displeasure.
I gave it a 2/10 simple because I felt bad giving it the 1/10 it probably deserves. If you LOVE bad movies, watch it. If you have something other than ALF re-runs to watch instead, I suggest you do so.
The Land That Time Forgot (2009)
Sweet Jesus this was bad
This movie fails on almost every possible level:
Bad acting: check.
Poor direction: check.
Hackneyed script: check.
Painfully bad CG: check.
Odd pacing: check.
Timothy Bottoms looking embarrassed and wondering when he can go home and start drinking: check.
Run screaming, tripping and flailing away from this sad attempt at a movie.
Cheap Seats: Without Ron Parker (2004)
ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........
I awake suddenly, aware that I'm drooling onto the plastic couch cover, and realize it's a warm Saturday afternoon. Why was I sleeping? Did I hit my head? Or accidentally swallow all of my grandma's muscle relaxers? Could it be adult onset narcolepsy?
No, I momentarily paused on Cheap Seats while channel surfing, and the stunning lack of humor and talent drained my life force with such speed that I blacked out.
It's that head-shaking, mouth-agape, shoulder-shrugging bad. But I have to give these moronic and boring twins credit for selling this idea through. Perhaps they had the same effect on the ESPN programming executive that they had on me, and when he/she woke up, a few horrendous episodes were already in the can and he/she hoped that since all the viewers will be asleep, no one will now how awful it is and he/she can keep the $425,000 annual salary.
You've been warned.
Plata quemada (2000)
Confusing mess with a few redeeming parts
What happens when you don't pay the editor? This kind of disjointed storytelling. While some of the performances were good, the movie suffers from poor plot development and a very confusing timeline. A shame, because it starts off quite good, then slows to a crawl and the interest peters out. You spend the last 2/3 of the movie trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Nice try, but no cigar.
Knockaround Guys (2001)
Trouble in the edit room
The premise isn't bad, the acting is at least average, but the editing is really substandard. It feels like one of these cases where the movie ran out of money before filming was completed, and they decided to put it together anyway. A
stitch here, a nip there, and a bit of an unfocused mess as a result.
Choose Me (1984)
Like a bad student film, only worse
It's the rare movie that has nothing to recommend it, making this the rarest kind of all. It plays out like a poorly-directed student film, with the actors and actresses trying to portray complex people, and missing badly. Instead, we get an assemblage of one-note performances and stilted dialogue. (In fact, the only person in this film who does a nice job is Keith Carradine.) Couple this with production values from a 1970's sitcom, and you have nothing less than two hours of your life lost forever.
Claire Dolan (1998)
A very nice situation study
Taut, terrific lead performance by Katrin Cartlidge, another fine job by Colm Meany and one of the better turns from Vincent D'Onofrio. The movie unfolds
patiently, and lets the tension and interest build naturally. The director did a fine thing by of getting out of the way of the story, and the soundtrack did a great job of setting the mood and keeping things moving. While not a fast- moving film, your patience will be rewarded with a fine story and an ending that doesn't follow tradition.
Captain Corelli's Mandolin (2001)
Nicholas Cage's All-Time Worst Performance
Beautifully shot, but Nicholas Cage's performance is labored and poor. I find him fun to watch most of the time (even in sappy movies like "It Could happen To You"), but it just doesn't work here. Why am I focusing so much on this? Because it kills what otherwise might be a pretty good period piece.
The Tall Guy (1989)
Charming little movie
Odd, quirky, but a terrific little movie. Jeff Goldblum just throws it all out there, and Emma Thompson reels him back in with her reserved gem of a performance. Loose, but coherent direction by the inimitable Mel Smith and a great performance by Rown atkinson round out the proceedings. Big fun, and in my permanent collection.
The Pope of Greenwich Village (1984)
One of my all-time favorite movies
Remember when Mickey Rourke was good? Remember Eric Roberts before the "Best of the Best" series? Remember Darryl Hannah at her finest? If not, this surprisingly good film will show you why they all were once established talents (or in Hannah's case, just nice to look at). The dialogue is New York street, but done so well it doesn't feel out of place. A must-see movie for anyone who loves NY, or just stories about endearing losers trying to make it big.