mrbishop77 Reviews

Cube (1997)

Watch it once and forget about it.

[5/10 · 28 October 2001]

This is one of the sad movies that is so promising, but in the end falls apart. The tension the movie has is amazing. The first half of it is done well, that is until the story falls apart, characters (and actors not just because of their dialoge but their ability as well) become ridiculous, and we get one of the most anticlimatic endings of all time. **spoiler** Toward the end I looked at my girlfriend and said "I bet you this movie just ends when they get out" and guess what.....IT DOES!! I am all for movies being ambiguous and making you come up with your own asumptions as to what is going on or what happened afterward, but with all the build up and all the agony the film makes you go through to get there, I have to say that I was more than disapointed. I will never watch that movie again. If I want to be tortured, like i feel this movie did to me, I would rather watch a 5th grade choir belt out tunes at the top of thier little lungs. When a movie is so promising and just turns to mud, it makes me feel worse than if it had sucked from the beginning. I would recommend watching it once if you are interested and make your own asumptions, but I feel it was a wasted attempt in the end.

Faust (2000)

Why?

[2/10 · 7 October 2001]

There is just one question (ok I am lying there are many questions, only one that matters) that pops into my mind after watching this: Why? The idea for the vengance filled superhero back from the dead has been done before and done much better: Spawn, The Crow!!(not counting those horrid sequals). The acting is beyond awful. Whomever that Jack Frost is really shouldn't quit his job at Jack in the Box just yet. If that is his real name, shoot I wouldn't want to be known for this movie. The plot has been done before, dialog was MST3K fodder, and the makeup/effects are laughable. They state they won awards for them at the beginning of the movie-they pry got them from a bunch of beauty school drop outs. Now I feel that I have to be a little more choosy when I see a Jeffery Combs movie on the shelf. This was a waste of 99 minutes, even if there is a unrated version I still think that it would stink. It felt like half of the movie was cut out. A horror superhero that slashes people up-including cops-with wolverine arm blades and you see nothing but the aftermath? The editing was irritating as hell! A gore movie with nothing shown? Why,why,why,why,why? What were they thinking?

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

Great movie without ending.

[6/10 · 24 September 2001]

As far as Wes Craven movies go, (which are easily as inconsistant as his fellow peer John Carpenter) The Hills Have Eyes is one of the better ones. Low on plot but high on tension and atmosphere. Genuine heart thumping territory. But this film starts to drag it self out toward the end and the credits seemed come up with no resolve to anything that had just happened. Sure the ending kept the tension rolling through the credits, but it also made me feel like they couldn't figure out how to get these sorry folks out of the desert and decided you didn't care if they did anyhow. It was enough to bring down my overall feeling of the film. If you want a nail biter this is it, just don't expect it to be an overall great film.

Planet of the Apes (2001)

Anger doesn't begin to express my feelings.....

[2/10 · 11 August 2001]

If there is a bigger waste of time than this movie was, please let me know so I can avoid it at all costs!!! Makeup: good, set design: outstanding, acting: awful, script and dialog: the worst piece of rubbish yet this year. Just because it is said to be a revision doesn't give it the right to completely be disrespectful of the audiences intelligence. To go from sleepy hollow (which I enjoyed throughly) to this? Tim why don't you write your own movies anymore? The original was thought provoking, insightful, revolutionary, and downright entertaining. This........this was worse than Armageddon!!! This is what happens when you let Hollywood decide what is best for a remake...oops I mean redelusion. Blah. I'd rather watch the Battle for the Planet of the Apes (the weakest of the series) on a 24 hour loop then ever see this again. At least Aldo would make me smile with his terrible acting because his was probably only paid in peanuts (no pun intended) due to budget restraints. Not paid a fortune like Marky Mark to be the Hero in this movie. He can only muster himself up to sounding like Dirk Diggler in the documentries from Boogie Nights, only there is no fake apendage to help him out this time.........I must stop now or I will explode....ahhhhh!!!!!

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

I just woke up from a dream.....

[9/10 · 19 February 2001]

Just when I never thought I would be able to see a fight scene take place on the tops of trees, my prayers are answered!! WOW!! This is the martial arts movie, this and Enter the Dragon(which is immortal). Wonderfully rich love story mixed with philosophy and the most eye popping heated fight scenes I have seen in a long time. Now every guy in the world has a way to get their girlfriend to watch a martial arts movie. Thank you Ang Lee.

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

Feels like Deja Vu...

[7/10 · 19 February 2001]

Here we are at number three in another franchise film. All of the sequals feel like a identical twin too afraid to try on different clothing. Same basic story as the other ones, nothing new here except for the introduction of female family members.

From the beginning to about the 1/2 way mark this is a pretty intense movie, but then people have to start talking and the movie just stumbles. *TINY SPOILER* My favorite part had to be when the mother utters her final words, "S.O.B." (not abbreviated in movie) having to push the tracheotomy speaker(that looks like a headphone speaker) up to her throat. Now that is touching. And the speak and spell.....yeah, right. Remember people are food. Jesus.

There is some pretty intense stuff and this is worthy to be in the series, but you realize halfway through why it is number 3 and not number one. There can only ever be number one.

The Street Fighter (1974)

Good, Bad, He's Sonny Chiba!!

[6/10 · 19 February 2001]

Playing the most morally ambiguous hero ever, Sonny Chiba is Terry Tsuguri the rough and dirty mercenary called 'The Street Fighter'. His fighting style resembles that of an injured ape with respiratory problems, he can crack peoples skulls with a single smack, and most of all there is no way in hell he wants you to like him. Too Bad his fight scenes are a joke. Every opponent he goes up against looks like Bruce Lee compared to him. This movie is for those that like a good laugh and cheap exploitation flicks. Not for serious kung fu fanatics. I would compare this more to Dolemite than anything you might see otherwise in the genre. Check out the Return of the Street Fighter for better action scenes and less of the BS story.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

How to ruin a classic.

[10/10 · 16 February 2001]

If anyone out there wants to know how to not do a "special edition" of a classic movie, then watch this. The only reason this got a rating of 5 from me is because in between the god awful new bookends shot and added to the film there is one of the greatest movies ever made.."The Night of the Living Dead" The new footage (except for the zombie scenes with the nurse which were good) is a travesty. There was no reason for it. There was no need to know who the main zombie was before his rebirth (and don't get me started on the fact that he in no way looks the same as he did in the original even if it is the same guy.....the years have not been kind to him). Pure junk. Get the original version and forget that this ever happened. Keep telling yourself "It was all a bad dream....all a bad dream...bad dream.."

Ringu (1998)

Subtle art of being scared.

[7/10 · 5 February 2001]

After all the wait and hype, my copy of The Ring arrived in the mail today, and I was excited to see what was touted as one of the great horror masterpieces of the last decade. And what I got was something close. Real close...

The movie starts out great with two girls talking you right into the mood the great parts of the movie generate. Dark, creepy, and atmospheric. Here is a modern horror film that doesn't have to rely on over the top gore to send your heart into overdrive. THERE IS NO GORE AT ALL for all you gore hounds out there. Sorry! The story is nothing new, view this cursed tape that is going around, and a week later you'll die.

Maybe it was just the translation on my copy, but half way through, the dialog didn't seem to make much sense. I will watch it again, but I don't really think that it will matter much because this middle section is used to just throw you completely off track. But don't get me wrong, it is interesting to say the least.

The movie doesn't live up to it's bill until the end. WOW, now that was creepy to the max and worth the wait. The score was great and acting believable. If you are looking for a good reason to get creeped out The Ring is it...the only problem is that you may have a hard time finding it due to the fact that it isn't released here in the states. But if you have patience, go for it. It's not the greatest movie but it kicks the Blair Witch any day.

Hellraiser: Inferno (2000 Video)

This is more like it.

[8/10 · 23 October 2000]

There comes a time when a franchise movie has to look at itself and say, "Time for a makeover", and that is what happened to # 5 in the Hellraiser series. This is the only way the series could have continued without turning into a parody of itself(i.e. every other horror series known to man) The last 2 Hellraiser movies where entertaining on a superficial level and that is it. I feel that this one was very well done. Creepy, full of suspense, and ultimately satisfying. Let's hope that this is how the series continues, as fresh ever-changing new stories and not as by the numbers slasher flicks. Pinhead needs some rest, so cut him some slack for his lack of screentime. He really wasn't needed in this movie. Bring on new cenobites and leave me guessing. Hellraiser was never about Pinhead, it was about the world that we create, and destroy, around us and the consequences of our own selfish desire. Not about body count, and most definitely not about Pinhead. He just helped us visualize the demon within us all.

Final Destination (2000)

Ahh ha!! You almost got me, Hollywood.

[6/10 · 23 October 2000]

So I was watching this movie, thinking what a huge piece of doo do it was, and it decided halfway through to become good up all the way to the end.

BUT, let me remind you, we are talking about a pretty boy/girl Hollywood meat grinder movie here. Every actor is cut out of the hip and now mode, complete with styled messy hair, big boobs, and the knack for overacting and sexual innuendo at the snap of a finger. One can't feel bad that these people get the ax. They aren't intended to live. They are intended to supply more meat to the horror money making machine. So don't start thinking this is the next Citizen Kane or anything (another highly overrated film...so lets find another analogy......I'll let you fill in the blank with your own personal fav.)

BUT, the film is fun. And would classify as a guilty pleasure in my book. I would never watch it again, but I wouldn't say that it was complete garbage. You've all seen it before with Friday the 13th, Nightmare sequels, Scream, I know who did who last summer, ect..ect..The only dif is that know death gets his turn. blah blah blah.

Oh yeah, The DVD lets you find out when you are gonna die, by answering a bunch of really general questions. How cute, and morbid....ahh makes you want to bat your eyes. What next a gun included with your purchase to finish the job after watching movies like this? Who knows?

Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972)

ohh, the simple pleasures ...food...drink...ladies....ZOMBIES!!!

[9/10 · 25 September 2000]

This movie I have to admit is one of my most cherished guilty pleasures. The whole movie makes me smile and shiver. The first half of the film is light, and funny but there is something beneath it that creeps and crawls.

From the opening there is something that is unsettling, the atmosphere. All of the actors are very entertaining, and at times provide well done overacted performances. As the movie draws towards it's climax, it explodes and is creepy to the max. The whole mood changes. Very rarely do you get to see a movie do an about face on it's audience so well. Low budget heaven, this is how to make a good movie on little.

The Astronaut's Wife (1999)

Think Rosemarys baby, with Johnny Depp in space, and braindead.

[2/10 · 22 September 2000]

In one of the most blatant ripoffs I have seen in a while, this movie moved me into tears. Awful movie that only succeeds in reminding me that there is a reason that you get movies for free from Blockbuster if you work there (I was when this came out), cause maybe they do realize the immense amount of c**p that comes out today (no they don't, they need some incentive to keep you there). Mr. Depp, one of my favorite actors, must have needed some cash. Made me want to throw the tape across the room and out the window. Bad script, Charlize Theron (one of the worst actress's ever), and evil babies from space that want to fly jet planes. This movie is a mess.

Predator (1987)

Arnie vs an alien

[8/10 · 22 September 2000]

In this installment of Arnie vs., we take a look at him against the alien foe called the Predator. Not only does Arnie have to take on one bad ass alien, he must also deal with bad editing, the rainforest, an army of South American do gooders with hostages, many buildings to blow up, and an all out duel with Carl Weathers AND Jesse Ventura in a no holds barred one-liner competition. I have to say that in this ruff and skilled competition, Arnie and Carl get bested by the governor of Minnesota, Mr Jesse Ventura with classic lines like "I ain't got time to bleed" and the infamous "Sexual Tyrannosaurus" line...classic. Very suspenseful movie that concentrated on mood more than the easy big budget cop out of over using a great special effect. Through everything Arnie still prevails and presents a kick ass movie.

Verdict of Arnie VS an alien.

ARNIE WINS.

Cannibal Ferox (1981)

Make me die slowly.

[5/10 · 19 September 2000]

In the troubled world of late 70's/early 80's horror, you get big taglines and no pull through. Don't believe the hype! This movie wasn't the worst thing that has graced my eyes, but it wasn't the greatest either.

This movie was slow paced, but that is OK because it's script wasn't that bad (somewhat). It at least kept me mildly interested. The only bad thing about the script and story were:

1)The constant slams towards women (come on, even the most jaded women hater would get sick of the number of derogatory slang terms that were used, their favorite started with a t), now this usually doesn't bother me but it got old after a while,and

2)The incredibly terrible and pointless side story of the drug dealing mobsters and police case back in the big apple. Every time this part of the film kicked in, the tension that was built flushed itself down the toilet. The score for these scenes were the obligatory 70/80's disco/funk music that littered itself all over Italian horror during this time.

But other than that, not bad. Like I said before, there is a bunch of tension that is built up. Some plot twists that I didn't expect, and a nice incorporation of piranas into a scene. The violence isn't all that it is built up to be. It is pretty nasty, but not anything that most audiences haven't seen before. This movie is only for horror fans, but not for the casual video store zombie.

eXistenZ (1999)

tErriblE

[2/10 · 14 September 2000]

This just proves David Cronenberg has run out of ideas. This movie was at no point creative, original, or entertaining. Boring, boring, boring!! William Defoe was billed as a main star in this movie, 10 minutes? It tries to make itself deep and profound by being weird and surreal, but only succeeds in turning this big Cronenberg fan into a sleepy viewer. Between this and Crash, I may consider his voice(unfortunately)dead. Watch The Brood or Videodrome to remind yourself why you want to gave this movie a chance in the first place.

Nekromantik (1988)

The thin line between trash and art.

[7/10 · 14 September 2000]

Rob is a very disturbed individual. He is a street cleaner(cleans up after car accidents), has a collection of body parts in jars at his apartment, is haunted by the image of his uncle killing his pet rabbit and his time working on autopsies, has a girlfriend into love with the deceased, and a nasty case of low self esteem. The couple becomes a threesome after he brings home a body from a job. To his ill luck, after he is fired from his job his girl leaves him for the dead corpse not wanting to waste any more time on his deadbeat(no pun intended) butt, sending him over the edge of sanity.

If there was ever a movie that walked the line of trash and art, or was the line, this is it. On the most primal level, Nekromantik is exploitation plain and simple. It revels in its own filth. But by pulling you into the depraved, digusting world of Rob, his girlfriend, and their decomposing lover you can't help but 1)retch 2)think of how joyfully the entire movie was made(it never shied away from itself once, and on the DVD the behind the scenes show the extreme goofing off that went on at all times)and 3)get sucked in, becoming a spectator to one person's personal apocalypse. The necrophilia is acted just like some sex scene that you have seen a million times before, but I couldn't help but find myself mesmerised by the world we have entered.

The way that the movie was shot reminded me of a hardcore David Lynch film. Little dialog, big on surreal visuals that suck you into a dark world foreign to your own. The music is great, I loved the piano music, it set a mood that was alluring and unsettling at the same time. As much as the subject matter was dispicable by most standards, I couldn't help but feel that there was something else speaking out under the gory surface. In short, the movie worked it's demented little magic on me.

The Beach (I) (2000)

"The real world" on an island.

[2/10 · 22 August 2000]

Well it is official, Leonardo has decided to lessen his standards and become one with the money making machine. This is a terrible movie. Not at any point in the movie did I feel that I should care at all about anything that happened to anyone. Everyone was on autopilot, and the story itself seemed to fall flat on it's face. I found it really funny that they had all these people that lived on this island paradise that were trying to escape the parasitic ways of the rest of civilization yet they all still needed batteries, disposable camaras, and gameboys. They were all a bunch of sniveling crybabies. Absolute trash.

Romeo Must Die (2000)

"S#@&, I am an idea!"

[3/10 · 14 August 2000]

They should have just called this "Plugs for DMX and Allyiah(or how ever you spell her name)" cause this movie was nothing but a 2 hour long rap video. Awful dialogue that pushed more stereotypes than a bad dolomite rip off. Horrid timing on the music, during scenes of heartbreak and sorrow they had a funk sinfeld pop bass track playing! People smoking dope that looks like parsley (and saying lines like the one above in the one line summary). Terrible overacting. Terrible missing plot. Half way through the movie I thought that every one didn't have names. They never seemed to use them (or maybe I wasn't paying attention-which is really easy to do with this movie). And of course Jet li kicking everyones ass in sight! That was the only part of the movie worth watching, and even that got old real quick due to the fact that they would set up a fight scene just for the hell of it. They came out of nowhere, for no reason. I sure hope Jet Li doesn't get roped into working with rappers again, he too good to waste on trash like this.

Ghost in the Shell (1995)

A wild dream.

[10/10 · 11 August 2000]

This is one of the most beautiful, intelligent, creative sights I have ever seen. Action wild as anything else out there, music that fits well, animation that is graceful and harsh, and an amazing story with deeper meaning than most things you see coming out of this genre.

From beginning to end, solid.

Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

The reason I hate rock operas.

[2/10 · 10 August 2000]

I must first say that I hate musicals. I am amazed that movies of this sort are actually made! And what gets me even more is that there are people that seriously like them. Well not me, and here is the reason why...just watch this pile. This one was even more rancid that I thought I could ever withstand. Sloppy, rushed adaptation of the Phantom of the Opera, way over acted, bad music, Terrible, horrible, pile of trash. If I need punishment by the government for my crimes against society, they can just play this movie repeatedly and I would be in a hell worse than any prison alive!!!!

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

Forget all the others, this is Part 3!

[8/10 · 8 August 2000]

Sure It has been twenty years. Sure there were four more cookie cutter sequels after "The Shape" burned to a crisp in the Haddonfield Hospital. And sure slasher flix came back to the mainstream and are dying for the same reasons once again, BUT we all really can't get enough of the slow paced, mime, butcher knife wielding, crazy as a drunk hick Michael Meyers. H20 features: some of the best dialogue in the series, fairly decent actors, suspense (maybe not the most unexpected jumps), and the best ending that any slasher flick fan ever asked for. If there is anyone that didn't say: "It's about GOD D@#$ TIME!!!" at the ending of this movie, then you need your head checked. No loose ends, no emotionally scarred potential Mask lovers to pass the flame on, And no *******SPOILER******** more Michael Meyers!!! I am a huge fan of the series and I feel that it couldn't have ended any other way. Good entertaining movie. Like other slasher flick, rational thought is not needed to a great degree. LL Cool J getting shot in the head and coming back only grazed? Come on. And the shapes selective killing in the beginning of the movie (what is his criteria for his victims anyway? Can he turn his urges on and off?). So..................... Yes of course it had it's faults, but it still made me feel satisfied when it was over. Isn't that what you should feel after a movie? I think so.

Galaxy Quest (1999)

Cute special effect movie, nothing else.

[4/10 · 7 August 2000]

Well, as I suspected, Galaxy Quest was a movie not made for me. I like no brainers, but I also hate comedians trying to be action heroes - it never works. See Trekkies for a movie that makes fun of the whole out of control star trek craze. It's funny because it is real. This movie made me feel apart of the ole' money making machine, used and abused. The special effects were amazing, but the movie itself, dull and predictable. Nothing that you haven't seen before.

The Whole Nine Yards (2000)

A movie that knows how to have fun with itself.

[7/10 · 4 August 2000]

It is nice to see a movie now and then that isn't either 2 and half hours of melodramatic crap with over inflated actors or a comedy that is littered with big name actors that simply ARE NOT FUNNY. But this movie was. Very light hearted, and not afraid to poke fun at itself, The Whole Nine Yards is a good "sit back, turn off the brain, and laugh" kind of movie. Everyone in it does a great job. Not the funniest movie on earth, but better than most of the stuff I have seen lately.