SmashMonkey Reviews

The Boy with Two Heads (1974– )

good, crazy fun

[8/10 · 30 May 2007]

I loved this show!

Every Saturday morning, my sisters, my brother and I would be waiting outside the Odeon Cinema for the doors to open. It only cost 30p for a good 2-3 hours entertainment. There were cartoons, Children's Film Foundation films and, of course, Chico the Rainmaker. Every time I saw that little head, I would smile. When Jill played the pan pipes and Chris played the drums, you knew Chico was about to do something magical. The story lines were straight out of the Enid Blyton school of writing, the acting was at some times funny, at others dreadful, but this show never failed to amuse and delight us.

It's almost 30 years since I last watched Chico, but I still remember the theme song after all this time. Chico will stay with me as a very happy memory of my childhood.

Landslide (2005 TV Movie)

bad. bad. bad.

[1/10 · 2 February 2007]

i love disaster movies; the carnage, the struggle for survival, the bonding between victims, all of it. however, the biggest disaster with this film is that it got made. the plot is completely predictable after the first five minutes, the acting is hammier than a pig farm, and there is nothing special about the special effects. any shots of destruction look like they were filmed using a set made of Lego. i can't possibly say just how bad this film is, because a word has not been invented yet to do the job. if you have nothing to do for 2 hours, read a book, go for a walk, organise your shoe collection, anything. just don't watch this film. life is too short to waste a second on this garbage.

Escape to River Cottage (1999)

can he dig it? yes, he can!

[10/10 · 9 December 2006]

If you're the kind of person who is fed up of the hustle and bustle of modern life and find pre-packaged food and microwave ready-meals unpalatable, then this is the show for you. Follow the exploits of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall as he uproots himself from the urban rat-race and settles down to become a smallholder in rural Dorset. Don't be fooled into thinking it will all be fun and games, Hugh makes it very plain that this type of lifestyle is hard work. It is, however, immensely rewarding. Watch as he turns his pretty country garden into a productive vegetable plot, gets to grips with the finer points of animal husbandry and makes many new friends among the welcoming locals. If you want to give self-sufficiency a try for yourself, or if you just want to grow a few herbs in your garden, then this is a must. a wonderful show and a refreshing change.

Carry on Screaming! (1966)

best of the bunch

[8/10 · 27 August 2006]

With its corny gags and ridiculously funny one-liners, Carry On Screaming has to be one of the best films i saw as a child. It started my love affair with the Carry On series, which to this day remain as funny as when they were made. The casting was superb, with Harry H. Corbett hamming it up wonderfully as the bumbling Bung, Fenella Fielding bringing camp glamour to the proceedings as Valeria Watt and, of course, Kenneth Williams in his most memorable Carry On role as the ghoulish Dr. Orlando Watt. The whole cast seem to be enjoying themselves immensely, especially during the last part of the film. Even now, when i watch it, i have a grin on my face that stretches from ear to ear. This is the perfect film for first-time viewers of the carry on films, young or old.

Ginger Snaps (2000)

an absolute howl

[9/10 · 23 August 2006]

This film is an underrated masterpiece, truly innovative. It manages to convey the horrors of unwanted lycanthropy whilst at the same time generating feelings of both empathy and sympathy for its two female leads. Sisters Ginger (Isabelle) and Brigitte (Perkins) share an unhealthily close bond, which is stretched to its limits when Ginger is bitten by a werewolf on the same day she has her first period. Soon, Ginger is craving blood and has more hair than any lady shave could deal with. Despite the fact that neighbourhood pets and the odd school-kid goes missing, the girl's self-obsessed parents notice nothing out of the ordinary with their morbid brood. Brigitte spends most of her time trying to control her lupine sibling whilst searching for a cure. Ginger, on the other hand, spends her time acting like a schizophrenic slut, unable to control the feelings and hormones rampaging through her metamorphosing body. The climax of this film is like no other and is done with such sensitivity and finesse that it is easy to forget that this is a horror film. In short, if you like brainless slasher films where the body count is the most important factor, give this one a miss. If, however, you are sick of predictable Hollywood gore-fests and would like to see a brilliantly written and stylish take on the whole werewolf theme, this is the film for you. It is a classic and should be regarded as such.

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

jaws? more like gums

[1/10 · 23 August 2006]

this film should have been called Jaws 4, the quest for more cash. that can be the only reason Michael Caine would touch this piece of crap with a 10-foot harpoon. as for Lorraine Gary, i don't know what medication she was on during filming, but she looked constantly whacked out of her gourd. as for ol' rubberchops, since when did great whites learn to survive in tropical waters or, for that matter, swim faster than a speeding plane? come on, people, wake up and smell the latex! this thing has been milked for every penny it's worth and quite a few more that it isn't. Jaws 3 was bad enough, but this turkey of the sea sinks lower than the Marianas trench. however, it did manage to do 2 things spectacularly: suck and blow.

Meet the Feebles (1989)

porno muppets

[10/10 · 21 August 2006]

i saw this film before Braindead, Bad Taste, Lord of the Rings or any other Peter Jackson film, and it grossed me out so much that i had to watch it 3 times! it's sickening, repulsive, offensive and completely lacking in any kind of moral values or taste. that said, it's fantastic! this is the film that led me to the realisation that i may be a tad bit warped. nobody should enjoy a film like this as much as i did without being immediately sedated and bundled into a straitjacket. i would give my left boob to see Heidi team up with Miss Piggy and do a Thelma and Louise-type drive-cum-killing spree all over the Muppet's set. this is a top shelf movie if ever there was one, i would rather show my kids (if i had any) The Evil Dead than this, they would be slightly less disturbed! if you want to see a cat perform oral sex on a walrus, or a hippo go nuts with a machine gun, or even if you ever wondered what would happen if you crossed an elephant with a chicken, this film will answer all your animal husbandry questions whilst raising many, many more. enjoy.

Braindead (1992)

DO NOT eat before you watch it

[10/10 · 21 August 2006]

this has to be the sickest, most disturbed, gore-filled movie of all time, so naturally, i love it! despite a slow start, there is more zombie action than you can shake a lawnmower at. all the roles are perfectly understated, which just makes them more believable (if you can believe in zombie sex) and the gross-out gags just keep coming. it's impossible to be scared watching this film, it's just too funny. i don't know if it's true, but i've been told that this is the goriest film ever made, which i could well believe. Lionel is a great character and an unlikely hero, but mother steals the show. after being bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey, she falls ill and soon dies, only to return as a zombie who REALLY likes to have her friends for dinner! Lionel soon has a house full of undead guests, who he tries (unsuccessfully) to hide from his new girlfriend Paquita and the rest of the town. just when it seems that things can't get any more bizarre, one of the zombies (mother's nurse) gives birth to Selwyn, the ugliest baby you could ever meet, zombie or otherwise. then, just to cap it all, the lecherous, money-grabbing Uncle Les shows up, determined to get his hands on his sister's money and house. of course, it wouldn't be complete without a party, and Les and his friends oblige. however, it's going to take more than a doorman to get rid of their party-crashers! finishing with hilarious, riotous scenes of utter carnage, this is one film not to be missed. i am the only woman i know who has watched this film, which is a great pity. if you love horror, or are just looking for the perfect antidote to Bridget Jones, put this one on your shopping list.

Count Duckula (1988–1993)

i'll get it!

[10/10 · 20 August 2006]

being a massive fan of dangermouse, i had seen duckula before he got his own series. i was so glad that he did! growing up in the 80's, everybody i knew loved duckula and, despite being called nanny for 5 years by a boy who could imitate Igor's voice quite scarily well, so did i. the silliness of the show, which would have seemed tacky anywhere else, worked perfectly. the characters were marvellous and the whole show was wickedly funny. watching duckula's old retainer Igor trying to turn him from a vegetarian into the bloodthirsty fiend he was meant to be always made me feel slightly sorry for the spooky old butler. nanny (the nanny) crashed her way through every scene she was in, with her frilly cap and arm in a sling, ready to hand out broccoli lollipops and over-enthusiastic hugs. duckula's thirst for fame, rather than blood, led him and his entourage on many crazy adventures in their teleporting castle, which would always return to its transylvanian mountain-top at dawn, with or without its inhabitants. of course, every vampire has his nemesis, and duckula's was doctor Von goosewing who, along with his invisible assistant heinrich, would do his very best to destroy duckula. the writing was sharp and always funny, the title music was perfection and the show as a whole was a rare treat for children (and adults) of all ages which will never be bettered. a perfect 10 in every way.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

watch it. just watch it.

[8/10 · 17 August 2006]

this has got to be the weirdest film ever made. if you are in the habit of taking drugs, i wouldn't recommend watching it, your brain probably couldn't handle it! i had to watch this 3 times to try and make some sense of it, but still failed miserably. the comments and one-liners are way beyond bizarre. however, some of the visual effects were scarily good, such as the hotel receptionist's mouth expanding before she turned into a lizard. i have had some crazy nights in my life, but these guys would put the most hardcore party animals to shame. i was stoned the first time i watched it and, by god, i wished i wasn't. this film will mess with your mind, but in a good way. even if you don't like it, watch it. there will never be another film like it. Johnny depp's performance is sublime, he must have taken some serious drugs in his life to get such a good handle on the character. if you still live with your parents, never let them see you watching this film, they will think you're either a total drug fiend or or a psychopath. you have been warned.

Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)

run away. now.

[1/10 · 16 August 2006]

this is, without a doubt, the biggest pile of putrescent garbage it has ever been my misfortune to watch. i would rather jam spoons under my eyelids than be forced to sit through that ordeal again. Bridget Jones is a brainless tart who sets the women's movement back about 50 years. my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to watch it together. he was wrong. this film reinforces every bad female stereotype there is. the characters were unbelievable and extremely annoying, the acting vapid and fourth rate. i consider it an insult to my backside that it had to suffer the discomfort of prickly cinema seating for the duration of this dross. if Bridget Jones were a real person, i would track her down and beat the crap out of her. if you haven't seen this film, please, PLEASE do yourself a favour and avoid it like the plague.

Labyrinth (1986)

be careful what you wish for

[9/10 · 16 August 2006]

i first saw this film at the age of 12 and immediately fell in love both with it and David bowie. this is not your average fairy tale, its darkly comic and slightly Gothic charms are the perfect antidote to the saccharine sweetness of so many Disney movies. the story is wonderfully inventive, the songs memorable and, considering it was made in the 80's, some of the visual effects are quite stunning. bowie's performance as the goblin king has got to be his best ever, managing to combine power, world-weary cynicism, a wicked sense of humour and just a hint of sadness. it is impossible to dislike his character and, by the end of the film, i actually felt sorry for him. Jennifer Connelly's progression from a spoilt brat living in her own fantasy world to mature, sensible and responsible big sister is subtle enough to avoid being preachy, whilst still being a timely warning to all brats out there. of course, the human cast members are completely overshadowed by Jim Henson's fabulous puppet stars, most notably sir didymus and hoggle (although hoggle was actually an actress in a suit). the final showdown between bowie and Connelly, utilising the designs of m. Escher, was simply amazing. this may be a fantasy film, but it's not just for the kids. this one is a delight for the whole family.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

attention all shoppers...

[10/10 · 15 August 2006]

dawn of the dead is the mother, father sister, brother, uncle and aunt of all zombie films. George Romero's classic masterpiece is the benchmark for all others to aspire to. the story is so compelling that one almost forgets the overtones of warning against crass consumerism. that such a marvellous cinematic treat could be produced on such a tight budget just goes to show that, despite the advances made in GCI and special effects, the oldies are indeed the best. after the novelty of living in a mall wears off, the feelings of dissatisfaction and disenchantment portrayed by the cast are almost palpable. Peter (ken foree) displays these feelings best at the end when, faced with a horde of flesh-hungry interlopers, he almost decides that life is no longer worth living. despite being a horror film, this shows such poignancy and depth of feeling towards the human condition that one would be forgiven for forgetting that there are zombies involved. unless, of course, we count the zombie-like state of our constant shoppers. there was a real danger of this film becoming slightly too preachy, but this was cleverly taken care of with the introduction of a pie-fight between zombies and biker raiders. how many films can say that? whatever you may forget about this film (how dare you!), David emge's king zombie won't be one of them. a true cult classic that continues to stand the test of time.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

get down with the sickness

[10/10 · 15 August 2006]

when i heard that dawn of the dead was being remade, the first thing i thought was: philistines! how could anybody mess with such a classic? then i watched it. oh. my. god. this film kicks undead ass! it will never truly live up to the original, but it's so good that it doesn't have to. this stands on its own two decomposing feet as a cinematic triumph. i have been let down so often by horror films in recent years that i was expecting to feel completely underwhelmed by the new dawn. instead, i sat entranced with a grin on my face so wide that it was threatening to decapitate me. from the moment Vivienne the neighbour girl gave the heroine a very rude awakening, i knew that this wasn't going to be your average shambling zombie flick. child zombies would have been frowned upon until very recently and as for fast zombies, at last! older films have a certain Pepe le pew-like quality, with the poor victims running for their lives while the zombies move about as quickly as the average post office queue, yet still manage to catch them. i was delighted to see so many references to the original, including a couple of cast members being resurrected. the news reports on the DVD edition gave the film a much more realistic feel, plus some decent back-plot. the characters were believable and well-rounded, with the possible exception of luda (did she annoy anyone else or was that just me?). scenes such as the zombie version of celebrity squares lightened the tone of the film, balancing nicely with the harshness of the birth scenes. there is more to recommend this film than i could possibly mention here. it's an instant classic, worthy of the great George Romero himself. the director's cut is a must for true fans, Andy's tape is pure gold, a marvellous account of a solitary man's descent into despair and mild insanity. that alone is reason enough to buy this film. if you haven't already seen it, do it now, don't wait till you're undead!

The Boneyard (1991)

this one goes to the dogs

[8/10 · 15 August 2006]

what starts as your average b-movie zombie flick mutates into something so funny, i laughed until i almost wet myself! Phyllis diller's performance is wonderfully crotchety and, in truth, the only one that sticks in the mind. i watched this film with friends in one of our monthly "fright-night" gatherings. we hadn't rented it, it was on t.v. it was my decision to watch it rather than another film we had rented. i'm so glad we did! i would never admit it to my friends, but the zombie children were really creepy (children of the corn, eat your hearts out) and had me checking under the bed for the first time since i was 8. of course, if you've seen this film, you already know who, or rather, what steals the show. if you haven't seen it before, stick with it to the end, you're in for a rare treat. dog lovers beware! after this, walkies will take on a whole new meaning!

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

it's got fangs, taste the cheese!

[10/10 · 15 August 2006]

this is a film that has everything. with its action-pumping, heart-thumping, special-effects laden gore-strewn guts on show for all to see, this is one movie you can really sink your teeth into! the cast give some stellar performances, pouring on the cheese with extra ham. one-liners mix with the action to provide viewers with something that can be enjoyed on so many levels, it's sure to be a cult favourite for years to come. despite his obvious lack of acting ability, Quentin Tarantino manages to pull of a quite believable (if somewhat disturbed) performance. George clooney delivers the best line i've ever heard towards the end of the film. i won't tell you what it is, but it's worth watching the film all the way through just for that! if you're a fan of old-style horrors, or even if you're a first-time gore viewer, you're sure to love it.

Jaws (1975)

a fish tale with real bite

[10/10 · 6 April 2006]

what can i say? jaws is the best film ever made! not only is the plot fantastic, it's believable. the characters have depth and personalities that we can all identify with. as for the shark itself, who knew rubber could be so scary? i snuck out of bed to watch this film when i was 4 years old, hiding behind the sofa for 2 spellbound hours. it is my favourite film and began a fascination with sharks that has lasted my entire life. if i wore a hat, i would have to take it off to Spielberg. this is cinema at its best, well worth the time it took to make. i know it's a bit sad, but i've seen jaws more than a hundred times and thoroughly enjoyed it every time. it was the first DVD i bought and i intend to be buried with a copy of it, that's how much i love this film. i urge anyone who hasn't already seen it to go and buy it. i defy you to not love it as much as i do.

Army of Darkness (1992)

undead fun and games with a battle thrown in

[10/10 · 6 April 2006]

army of darkness is, quite literally, the funniest film since the middle ages! once again our hero ash takes on soul-swallowing deadites, but this time, he's suffering from a serious split personality and he's 400 years too early for therapy! stranded in the past, ash lands in the middle of a battle between good and evil (again) and nobody's sure which side he's on. after dispatching a few deadites and showing off his boom stick, however, he is hailed as the saviour we've known he was all along. with a horse, some magic words and the coolest prosthetic hand in movie history, he sets off to the graveyard to retrieve the book of the dead which will destroy the deadites and send him home. this being ash, however, things don't quite go according to plan. if you haven't seen it, i won't blow the ending for you. also, if you haven't seen it, what's taking you so long? watch it now! you'll cry (maybe), you'll laugh (definitely), you'll never annoy a man with a boom stick!