charliecheswick Reviews

Kickboxer (1989)

kick the tree

[10/10 · 27 November 2008]

This is possibly the greatest movie ever made in the history of mankind.Van Damme kicks some Thai ass as he seeks to avenge his brother ( Tom Selleck lookalike)after he ends up in a wheel chair. He is assisted by a great Thai boxing teacher who puts him through rigorous training schedule such as being chased by a dog. What more could you want in a movie , apart from possibly some wax on wax off ? In summary , this movie is fantastic , and if you enjoy seeing people having their faces kicked in by a Belgian ballet dancer ( pumped on steroids) , then this is the movie for you!!! minor spoiler ( he also pumps a Thai woman in this movie , and she is tidy).

Hitman (I) (2007)

avoid at all costs

[1/10 · 27 April 2008]

There's not much to say about this movie , its just plain awful . The only good thing about it was that the good looking woman got her norks out. Even that couldn't save this turkey however, as what seemed like a never ending fountain of drivel continued to fill the screen. Pointless scene after pointless scene, stringed together with a forgettable and wafer thin plot and some woeful acting. Its hard to believe this made it to the big screen , when at best - its a cheap made for TV movie. Watching this , i couldn't help but think that somewhere out there,some businessman has made a bundle of cash out of it , and is laughing at fools like me who actually made the effort to watch this piece of crap. It truly is a God awful movie. Avoid at all costs.

30 Days of Night (2007)

Turd

[1/10 · 10 November 2007]

This movie was basically a turd. Its very "clunky" , by that I mean it doesn't have much rhythm and flow to it. The main premise of this film is a group of survivors hiding out from some vampires,constantly moving from safe house to safe house, and constantly saying the words "we have to move, its not safe here!". Im not kidding- this is basically this movie in a nutshell. When the audience begins to tire of this , some gore appears on screen courtesy of some screaming (will they ever shut up)vampires , who incidentally look more like the members of an executive business meeting. Im still scratching my head as to why they were all wearing suits and evening gowns in the middle of Alaska.Maybe they got lost on their way to a boardroom meeting.It was probably supposed to look cool , but it didn't, it looked crap. Im pretty sure Stifler from American pie was also in this ,playing the role as one of the vampires.Someone in the cinema cried out -look there's Stifler . After that every time he appeared on screen the audience in my cinema began to giggle with laughter.Says it all really.

Michael Clayton (2007)

Good thriller , but slightly disjointed.

[6/10 · 14 October 2007]

I quite enjoyed this movie, its a slow mover , but it does eventually get to where its going. George Clooney plays the role of Michael Clayton -a legal firms downtrodden dogs body.While struggling to juggle the many aspects of his life- friends , family , money , and work he becomes involved in the dark underworld of business. What I enjoyed about this movie is that it does not spoon feed its audience the story and characters. At the same time though , this is a flaw in the film as it at times seams clumsy and slightly disjointed. For example we see a few scenes involving Clooney and his family , but not enough is revealed to give the audience an insight into the dynamics of the family. We here that he is an intelligent man , but we don't see him excelling in intelligence. We see him struggling to run is business ,but are not shown enough of this struggle. Etc...etc... As a result of this , by the end of the movie ,you are left with the feeling that you don't know Michael Clayton any better than you did after the first 10 minutes of the film. Overall what makes this film good is the story and performance by the cast, but i was left with the feeling that it could have benefited at times if it had adopted a bit more of a direct "slap bang" approach

Heroes (II) (2006–2010)

good , but begins to unravel in later episodes

[5/10 · 22 August 2007]

The first few episodes of Heroes are a real treat , a mixture of X-files, fantastic four and buffy - and it works quite well. It has that glossy movie feel to it. Its also decently acted and well written. You become engrossed in the lives of the "heroes" as they begin to intertwine. Yet , somewhere along the line , and im not sure where , the quality of the show begins to drop. In some of the later episodes of series 1, it is not "glossy " and becomes quite cheesy and feels rather cheaply made, the acting is patchy at times and the writing falls down. In particular , if anyone has seen the season climax they will know what im referring to in the writing. Im by no means a comic-book geek , but even I was left thinking - " that doesn't make any sense at all !" . Basically , the writers disregard what we have seen in previous episodes in order to fulfill a storyline, and it was pretty frustrating. So overall , this show is good , but at times will leave you disappointed.The high standards set in the early episodes are unfortunately a blessing in disguise for this series , as it fails to maintain its these high standards as the series progresses. I guess this show is not so bad when compared to some of the other garbage that is on TV at the moment.All things considered - its a decent TV sci-fi series , but I doubt ill make the effort to watch the second season.

28 Weeks Later (2007)

poor stuff

[1/10 · 1 June 2007]

I like 28 days later , its a good movie. Good character that you can empathise with and follow throughout the film, a slow build of of tension and the explosive gory ending.This sequel has none of this. The gore begins right from the off and is laid on too thick and too fast , making it lose its impact and seem slightly comedic at times. None of the characters are likable apart from Robbie Carlises , who isn't given enough decent screen time to carry the film. The gore/violence gets more and more ridiculous and at times it was like watching one of those crappy films like Hostel or the remake of the Texas chainsaw massacre.Basically this film relies too heavily on the "shock factor".Whereas 28 days later is a decent dark drama/horror, the sequel is just a pointless romp which uses up gallons fake blood in an attempt to keep its audiences attention. Needless to say , I thought this movie was a wasted opportunity and left the cinema disappointed.

This Is England (2006)

Best cinematic portrayal of a bleak Britain since Kes

[9/10 · 16 May 2007]

This film wasn't playing at my local cinema , so i was reduced to getting my hands on a dodgy DVD copy. Sorry Mr Meadows , but I promise now that I will buy the genuine article when it is released in the future.

This is England , set in the 1980s , follows a young lonely boy - Shaun. He is accepted into a group of misfits but things soon take a turn for the worse with the arrival of a sinister character onto the scene. With lashings of nostalgia ( e.g fried egg sweets , chipboard wallpaper, Roland rat etc..), we follow Shaun as he takes part in a tragic tale, which at times makes uncomfortable , yet essential viewing.

This movie has a bit of everything , it makes you: laugh,cry, scared , disgusted and delighted all at the same time. It gives you hope and takes it away just as quickly. I haven't seen a British film like this since I watched Kes.

I recommend this movie.

The History Boys (2006)

Couldn't relate to any of it.

[4/10 · 12 May 2007]

This movie is based on an acclaimed play which I have never seen , but have heard good things about. So I was looking forward to seeing this movie , but have to say I was rather disappointed. It follows a group of young intellectuals and there attempt to get into an esteemed university and their relationships with their teachers.They like to recite poetry to each other , discuss philosophy and to gather around a piano and sing- as they plan how they will gain entrance to higher education. Some of the pupils then begin to discover their sexual orientation with their homosexual teachers , in a slightly comedic style.

I just couldn't relate to any of it.These guys read Byron - I read the Daily Mail , they recite poetry to each other , - I recite catchphrases from the Fast Show, they love their teachers , I hated mine , their gay , Im straight .. etc ..etc. The point is , I couldn't relate to anyone in the film , and didn't care about what happened to any them. And although there is supposed to comedy running throughout this film , I cant remember laughing out loud once.

I dunno , its hard to explain but the characters just seemed far away and distant. Maybe i will check out the play if i get he chance.

On the plus side - Richard Griffiths relives his role as an Uncle Monty type character which made it worth watching

Sunshine (2007)

almost good

[7/10 · 12 April 2007]

This movie is a bit hit and miss. A sci fi/horror which takes the tried and tested formula from other space films . but given a bit of razz-a-ma-taz for the 2007 audience. As usual with Boyles films , the characters are brilliant , you are more interested in them than the story which is unfolding around them. The acting is also of a pretty good standard in this movie , with stand out performances by the bloke from fantastic four and the Irish dude from 28 days later. Atmosphere is steadily built up in this film and the feeling of claustrophobia is conveyed well.The visuals are also really good. But despite this , i left the cinema feeling slightly unfulfilled.

Were this film falls down , ( as many other reviews have pointed out) is that the "big reveal" as to the problem the crew have encountered feels slightly anti climatic. Tension has been wrenched up to such a degree that you are almost inevitably left thinking "is that it?".

Despite this , this movie is pretty enjoyable and i would recommend it

Eragon (2006)

Makes Weekend at Bernies Two look like a masterpiece

[1/10 · 10 April 2007]

I've never read the book , so I watched this movie with open eyes. And after watching this abomination , I don't think I will make the effort to read the book. The moment Eragons character walked on set I instantly disliked him.(He looked more like someone from a G.A.P advert rather than a farm hand). A good looking ,gormless , perfectly spoken , publicly schooled , county cricket club member, fox hunting type.It just as easily could have been a younger James Hewitt or Harry Enfields "Tim Nice but Dim" creation. But , I thought , maybe he will make a fantastic right of passage journey in this film and come out as likable and who has been transformed into an underdog hero. No luck , by the end of this movie I wished that Jeremy Irons had beaten him to a bloody pulp in their earlier training session.

This is by far not the worse thing about this movie however , the major flaw is that overall it is really badly put together. It just seems like it is fragments of a greater story , like scenes were cut out of the final edit , maybe they were?? , For instance , Irons says to the young James Hewitt , something along the lines of "Magic will take a long time to learn as you need to learn the ancient elvish language , blah de blah etc... " 2 minutes later , Eragon has mastered it , no explanation , nothing , what the hell? Did they omit this scene were he learnt it , or was it just deemed not important. Well it was important , as its little details like this that have viewers thinking , "what the hell is going on ?" Characters are also introduced here and there , I barely caught their names or their significance to the overall story. His brother , an uncle, a cousin , some guy who has been following him,the guy from trainspotting, a women on a table, a king. We don't get any insight into there characters , they are just there to fill the screen . To wrap up this farce , John Malchovich gives a performance which has undertones of " I cant be bothered with this crap man , but I need the paycheck ".

Rocky Balboa (2006)

steroids

[1/10 · 23 March 2007]

This movie was rather poor. Someone else summed it up about right when they said it was a just a load of speeches strung together with emotional music in the background.It just didn't work; it didn't build tension , I wasn't anticipating the fight , I didn't like the characters, I wasn't rooting for Rocky like I was in the first film. Instead Rocky came over as a sleazy old man , and the other characters were just pointless and forgettable.The fight scene at the end was boring and to be honest I was hoping Rocky would have a brain hemorrhage and die so no more awful Rocky films could ever be made again!!. I wanted this film to entertain me , but it failed on every level.Very poor effort from Sly.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Loved it

[7/10 · 14 October 2006]

First of all , don't watch this if you are looking for the next Citizen Kane. However , if you like a movie in which you can switch off your brain and sit back and enjoy a nonsensical movie then this one is for you. I like the original , and to be honest was expecting a poor interpretation , but I thought this was pretty good. Remake is probably not really the right word because other than the shopping mall and zombies, it doesn't really have the slow build up of tension that the original has. Instead it is a zombie movie for the teenagers of today - faster, more guts and blood, more pointless characters to kill off and more action. And overall it does work pretty well. There is only one poor part of the film , in which there is a bit of a lull in the action , and the attempt to spruce it up by introducing a teenage girl and a dog , doesn't really work.However the end sequence involving chainsaws and explosions more than makes up for this. If your looking for cheap thrills in a movie then this one will do the trick. There is also a pretty good soundtrack to accompany the action.

The 8th Plague (2006)

The slowest paced movie I have ever seen in my life

[1/10 · 13 October 2006]

When I mean slow , i don't mean it took a while to get going until the climax of the film . I mean EVERY single scene was dragged out to the extreme. For example there is a scene involving a couple of zombies and a guy with an axe. He doesn't just pick up the axe and smash their brains in ... no ... first he looks at the zombie...then the axe...then slowly ..very slowly...yes thats it put your right hand on the axe...then .yes ,yes.. the left hand ...now look at the zombie...yes then ...look at the axe ...now yes very,, very slowly walk towards the zombie.....right foot forward ...then the left ... then right again..then the left ... look at the zombie again....now, very, very, very slowly raise the axe...THEN- FINALLY SMASH ITS BRAINS IN.

there are also other such great dragged out scenes such as lady unlocking a pair of handcuffs and I kid you not , about 20 seconds of a women pressing the rewind and play button on a video camera.Every thing in this movie is incredibly slow and extended - the characters even walk throughout the duration of this movie ---by walk i mean at pleasant stroll speed.

This movie was awful and incredibly frustrating. Watching this movie gives you the same feeling you get when your stuck in a very slow moving queue

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

A great comedy/ a terrible horror

[1/10 · 10 October 2006]

This movie was Hilarious! I was gonna give it 6 or 7 stars because it was so funny , but then i remembered it was supposed to be a horror , and it was definitely not a scary film. Some people would probably be offended by the violence and gore in this movie , but it appealed to my sense of humour.Mainly because I kept in mind that it was not real , and also because it was so incredibly stupid and cheaply made. Especially when the guy from the goonies (Sloth) turns up on the scene and eats a budgie!! HILARIOUS!! But ultimately , the joke of this film began to wear thin , and i was pleased when it finished. This Movie is funny, cheap , silly , most likely offensive to some and should probably be considered a B movie.Not a good horror , but a good comedy for those with a dark sense of humour. Its unintentionally a bit like Tromas Toxic Avenger.

War of the Worlds (2005)

Spent the whole movie wishing the kids would die.

[1/10 · 7 October 2006]

This movie was a bit disappointing. Nice special effects when the aliens first appear on the scene , but goes steadily down hill from that point on. As most others have said there is some points in the movie which make you hate it. Mainly the two kids - two spoilt brats who spend the whole movie moaning about everything.The little girl just screams and whines in every scene, I wanted Tom Cruise to throw her out the car and leave to be killed by the aliens when they were getting chased - no such luck. Then , possibly the worst moment of the film - the son wants to run towards the centre of an enormous battle with horrendous death and destruction because he "wants to see it" . WTF???.We are not even given the satisfaction of his death however as he makes a miraculous recovery later in the film.A total cheat on the audience. Final scene of the movie also sucks ass. Appears aliens like Boston.

The Cave (2005)

redefining boredom

[1/10 · 1 October 2006]

Its perhaps unfair of me to comment on this film , because , for the first time ever , I switched off a movie because it was so bad. I can watch anything , but this movie was so very boring. I was bored before I put on the DVD and thought this might be a laughable action horror/ action movie to lighten the mood. It is not even that , it is a device which increases the level of boredom by the power of 100. Had to switch it off after 45 minutes because all that had happened in that time was some people had been scuba diving , and a big mole had been discovered. Seriously , this movie is not worth the time, even if you can enjoy a bad movie like i can , avoid this film like the plague.Worst thing I have seen in years.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Nnoooooo! - Is Lucas on drugs?

[2/10 · 30 September 2006]

What can i say about this movie that hasn't already been said? Absolutely everything is wrong about it.Anyone would think Lucas was on a mission to kill off our happy memories of the original trilogy. Perhaps the disaster which is this film is best summed up by the central character Vader.He let flies with the most cringe worthy,embarrassing, pathetic line in the history of film making. "NNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!". A moment of absolute ridiculousness , which killed any remaining respect I had for George Lucas.

A complete joke of a film which puts the final nail in the coffin of Star Wars. George Lucas , hang your head in shame.

Land of the Dead (2005)

Dennis Hopper sinks to a new low.

[1/10 · 29 September 2006]

Well were to begin? I thought this movie was awful , it was cheap and extra hammy with a few BOO! moments thrown in to liven in up. I personally like Zombie films , I can enjoy the them for what they are , but this was so bad it was almost a parody of itself. Dennis Hopper, what is wrong with you? Don't you read the scripts. Cleary a talented actor as his work in the past demonstrates , but hasn't been in a decent film for 20 years , and this movie illustrates that he has no intention of bucking this trend. The movie just jumps straight into the middle of a story , and a very boring one at that. A guy looking for a big van with his mate. A story that really pulls at your heartstrings. I've never ever wanted a film to end so quickly as i did this one. One more unprovoked "Muuuaarrrggghhh" from one of the zombies and i would have put my foot threw the TV screen. This movie is just plain awful , absolutely awful.

The Woods (2006)

enjoyable mess of a movie

[5/10 · 28 September 2006]

I read somewhere on this site that the dude who made this spent something like 5 years making it. It certainly doesn't show in the final product. This movie seemed quickly put together and didn't seem too sure of itself in regards to what it was all about.Starts off quite creepy , gets a bit silly , then ends with a scene that could have been from one of the resident evil films. Its a movie that is sort of half horror/teenage rights of passage movie with a big dose of gore plopped on top for good effect.Its pretty good fun, but you get the feeling it should have been a lot better.gotta keep typing cos i need ten lines , is that enough ?

The Descent (2005)

gollum and friends kill the spice girls one by one

[6/10 · 28 September 2006]

This movie was pretty enjoyable. Took a while to get going but with good reason , builds up nicely with a bit of back story , before the bloodbath unfolds. It was pretty predictable stuff , we all knew that Gerry Halliwell (Sarah?) was going to be the hero , and we all knew that sporty spice (the one that looked like a man) was gonna die first , cos she is unlikeable and was a one dimensional character. So , yeah this movie was pretty good , blood, scares , and some stupid moments. This best bit for me was when the posh spice character gets an icepick in the leg from Gerri and left for dead near the end of the movie. Overall its a daft enjoyable romp in caves. Imagine the panel from the TV show "loose women" thrown into a pit with hyena's and you will get a fair idea of what this movie is about.Pretty good fun.

V for Vendetta (2005)

a sexed up version of 1984 for the MTV generation

[1/10 · 26 September 2006]

I was really disappointed with this movie.It was a sexy version of 1984 wrapped up in cotton wool , lacking in any emotional involvement , instead focusing on flashy outfits , sexy chicks , cool looking fight scenes and banal characters. Now , i wouldn't have minded if this film was marketed as a mindless action flick and followed the mindless action formula , but instead it is supposed to be a " grim vision of the future". A future in which a guy with an annoying grinning face and a liking for dominoes can single handily bring down an entire governments infrastructure.They could have replaced V with George Cloony as Batman , and it wouldn't have made a difference to this movie. It was just a pointless romp , not an analysis or critical film about the way the world could possibly be heading .Plus- What was the point of that dominoes scene, other than looking cool? the answer is NOTHING!. It sums up this movie , STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE.

Silent Hill (2006)

was this a horror?

[3/10 · 16 September 2006]

After watching this , I'm a little confused as to what kind of movie this was supposed to be. Was it a horror, a mystery , a thriller , a teenage slasher flick? It never really ticked any of these boxes and seemed a bit jumbled up as a result. I kept waiting for something frightening to happen , or for the plot to thicken, or for the tension to build, but it never did. The characters just wander around aimlessly and run away from a dude with a tin of corn beef on his head.The ending was pretty poor-revealing the whole plot of a movie in a "heres a 2 minute explanation as to what this film is all about" segment , just seemed a bit lame and cheap. You can imagine the producers having a discussion as to how to wrap the film up - quick explanation , then lets blow the rest of the budget on the bloodbath. Overall , this movie was watchable , but its not exactly a masterpiece. One for a rainy day.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006)

corporate scam + enormous commercial for 3rd movie

[1/10 · 14 September 2006]

This movie blowed goats.I felt violated after going to see this, I was sucked in big time by all the hype and my liking for the first movie. This film however , is just a cash in on the interest generated from its predecessor and didn't need to be made.NOTHING happens in it.Well apart from the last 45 minutes , which is a huge advert for the third film. Plus , Knightely - did she actually have any lines in that film? Brief plot synopsis- Jack Sparrow and his mate Bloom have a sword fight on a big wheel while Knightely pouts.I will definitely not go to see the third one. Id rather pour acid down my pants.Avoid this movie unless you are completely brain dead or want to feel like you have had your wallet stolen.

Stay Alive (2006)

enjoyable crap

[3/10 · 13 September 2006]

This movie actually started of pretty scary. i got a fright in the opening 5 minutes , but after that , this film dives into the abyss of crappy teenage horror flicks.Taking its place in history alongside other such great modern classics like "creep" and "boogie man". But despite having a plot with more holes than you could shake a very big stick at , some really hammy acting , and moments which are so bad you actually burst into laughter, this movie was pretty enjoyable. Cant believe people gave this 10 stars!, its not exactly on a par with Hitchcocks greatest works.Ill give it 3 out of ten , purely for the farcical ending in which Malcolm in the middle makes a completely unexplained return from the dead.

Oldboy (2003)

fine film

[10/10 · 18 April 2006]

i really liked this film. i know nothing about Asian cinema but took this in when it showed at the Glasgow tartan film festival as there was nothing else on. The guy who plays the lead role did an excellent job playing the hero of the movie that you actually don't particularly like. OK , this movie is a bit pretentious at times with flashy music and camera angles, but this adds to the whole effect of the film - that it is a bizarre and surreal story.i also thought the ending of the movie was great, because it is neither the one you expected or wanted. this is rarely done in films these days and i left the cinema wishing there was a sequel so i could see 'old boy' in another mad adventure. overall a top notch film that mixes adventure , mindless violence,fine acting and a bizarre story.Excellent.