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Hellraiser (2022)
Competent but unambitious
The bar is so low with this franchise that I'll take a competent movie as a win.
The biggest complaint with this film is that it is utterly lacking in ambition. Instead it goes the slasher route, complete with under-developed side characters running around a house before their inevitable evisceration. The movie doesn't expand the universe of this franchise in any meaningful way, and the compelling mysticism of the franchise is largely danced around with nebulous and inconsistent rules.
The movie also commits the most cardinal sin: it makes the cenobites less threatening. They lose their horrific mystique when we see them gnawing on someone's arm or chasing someone down a hallway. It was silly. They are supposed to be interdimensional beings beyond comprehension, but in this film they are largely just "ghouls".
After 30+ years of bad sequels, this is a very slight step in the right direction, but not really much else. Jamie Clayton is superb as the Hell Priest, and the practical effects are great to see. With a paired down cast, tighter themes, and more imagination, this could have been something.
Fall (2022)
Suspenseful movie with weak performances
While the tension in this movie is effective, a lot of that heavy lifting comes from the editing, sound design, and visual effects. The sheer creakiness of this dilapidated metal tower telegraphs its horror well before the characters even begin their ascent.
Had this film been cast with stronger leads it could have become more note-worthy, but as it stands its kind of a forgettable experience. The film borrows plot points from the much more effective film "The Descent", but the actors here can't pull off the pathos to make the drama matter. Jeffrey Dean Morgan certainly showed up to set for a haircut and a pay cheque.
I will give the film kudos for not lingering on the physical suffering of the characters too much. You'll feel the dire weight of their situation without it needlessly dovetailing into misery porn.
Orphan: First Kill (2022)
Bravo Orphan franchise
They've done it again. They've made another movie with an absolutely ridiculous, unpredictable, and entertainingly asinine twist.
"This is insane", a character remarks half-way through the movie. It absolutely is. Fun movie.
Dead End: Paranormal Park (2022)
Tumblr taught us nothing
Dead End isn't really a mystery show. It isn't really a character study. It's isn't especially funny or compelling. It kind of just sits on the screen like a stew made of all the stale Tumblr leftovers from a fridge of tropes packed in 2012.
All of your favorite LGBTQ+/neurodivergent greatest hits are here. That's really all that can be said about it however... that they are here. Representation matters, in all of its mediocre glory.
Sadly the Tumblr of the 2010's taught us nothing. When your entire identity is wrapped up in your personal neuropathies and self-diagnosed labels, the end result tends to not just be boring, but also incredibly unworldly.
Dashcam (2021)
Exceptionally dull
What to do when you're a filmmaker with absolutely nothing to say? When you have no filmic vision, no story to tell, not even a slightly original gimmick? Rob Savage's answer seems to be to slap a bunch of tired nonsense on a screen and call it a horror movie.
Annie Harry stumbles from set piece to set piece with no thrust or momentum beyond an elderly woman rushing at her from just off camera frame. Seems like the editor even got tired of working on this and thankfully zooms us through the last act (I'm being generous by even using that word). There's something to be said about some films that are so unapologetically dumb that they end up being endearing, but Dashcam isn't even fun enough to be that.
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore (2022)
A slog
The unlikeable and uninteresting characters of the franchise return once again to.. uh... I guess stop Grindewald? Having vague plot contrivances to centre the film around Newt Scamander continues to be a problem, and again everyone's motivations for doing what they do are murky at best.
Johnny Depp is gone, as is Grindewald's presence as an actual threat.
You can tell that Warner Bros. Has left themselves with options here. What was once touted as a five film series has literally concluded ALL of it's character arcs within this third film.
Meet, Marry, Murder Hosted by Michelle Trachtenberg (2021)
Blink twice if you're being held at gunpoint Michelle.
As far as true crime goes, this is pretty middling, but what makes it incredibly strange is the host herself.
Michelle Trachtenberg's performance is incredibly distracting, the way she reads her lines is truly bizarre. She seems a bit spaced out, her facial expressions and body language are odd, and she appears to be struggling to form basic sentences. The copy she has to read is also atrociously written, for example "She then popped out two more kids" is a line spoken about a dead woman.
I'm not sure if Michelle is just uncomfortable, heavily medicated, or was directed to be like this, but its kind of more fascinating than the actual cases in the show.
The Book of Boba Fett (2021)
Mediocre
Not sure the material is there to justify this show (cool empty palace I guess). Another dude walking around a desert in a Mandalorian helmet.
The show is also over-lit which is why the sets/costumes look flat and cheap (even though the show clearly isn't). Feels like a misfire.
Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021)
Messy, forgettable, but entertaining
The sequel dials up the camp and tries to hide its PG13-ass by keeping Carnage's destruction as frantic and incomprehensible as possible. At no point does Cletus feel threatening, as Woody Harrerlson parades around with wide eyes and ridiculous wigs, expounding nonsensical poetry that belies clues to his meaningless actions.
The pacing of the film makes little sense as the movie hurtles to its messy conclusion at a break-neck speed that allows little room for any sort of character development. Michelle Williams must be getting a huge check for this as she has absolutely nothing to do. The movie is devoid of plot and character development.
Having said all of that, Tom Hardy shines as usual and as forgettable as the film is, it does have its moments. This film is simply more of the same, if you enjoyed the first film you'll probably enjoy this one.
Candyman (2021)
Great trailer, but the movie falls flat
I was pretty excited for this one, especially when I heard it wasn't going to be another tiresome remake, instead a continuation of the first film's story. I give kudos to the filmmaker for not simply rehashing the story of the 1992 film, it definitely carves out it's own niche in the franchise. This sequel had just the right amount of callbacks without feeling like it was leaning on the first movie as a crutch. I also thought the casting and performances where fairly solid, I think it would be very easy for performers to drift through this kind of material, but it seems like everyone was on the same page.
Having said all of that, I think the biggest failure of the film has to be that it simply isn't suspenseful. The story quickly devolves into character's running around encountering each other, while they piece together a fairly predictable plot that ultimately made very little sense. Deaths landed without impact because we never really got a chance to get to know any of these characters, there were no arcs or reason for the audience to invest in them. The high school murder scene was especially egregious for this.
This was by no means a bad film, just a little disappointing. You can smell the racial politics that the film is drenched in, which isn't necessary a bad thing, however its so completely on the nose that you wonder why they didn't just give Candyman a ham for a fist instead of a hook.
The Suicide Squad (2021)
An incredibly uneven film
If you're a fan of James Gunn's man-child sensibilities, then you'll probably eat this up. This film reads like it was written by a committee of 12 year old boys, in all of its immature glory. I don't think personally that there is anything wrong with films like this occasionally, but the film industry is now completely dominated by this sort of inanely childish "content" (because that is what this was, this was not a film).
The cast was fairly likeable when they where given something to do, but the only character that had any sort of real arc was the daughter of Bloodsport (who had all of two minutes of screen time). Polka Dot Man was easily the most interesting on screen, but of course Gunn's need to shovel in as many pointless "expectation subversions" left me rolling my eyes during "that" moment.
Even despite the occasional fun and gonzo creative moments, a lot of the humour just absolutely did not land. A lot of that had to do with how adolescent the jokes where, and how the entire thing felt like it was trying too hard. I'm not a Marvel fan in the slightest, and I appreciate that DC is following the beat of its own drum, but this just didn't work for me.
Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel (2021)
Exploitative garbage
This documentary really highlights the problem with "internet sleuths": bored people on the internet who entertain themselves with ridiculous speculation, theories, and obstructive "investigation", do not make for a compelling documentary narrative unless you're willing to ignore the most obvious tenets of reality.
Escape from Tomorrow (2013)
Edgelord cynicism at its dumbest
If you're curious how a 15 year old boy might see the Disney parks, here it is.
This is a poorly made film, made even more embarrassing by the fact that Disney couldn't be bothered to acknowledge it any capacity (something the filmmaker clearly wanted desperately).
Willy's Wonderland (2021)
Don't believe the positive reviews
This is not Nicholas Cage "dialed up to 11" , this is Nicholas Cage sleep walking for a pay check in a very low budget film that doesn't exhibit a single creative moment in the entirety of it's run time. This has to be Cage at his least interesting, and that is entirely the fault of the non-existent script and uninspired filmmakers. If you want to see Cage delivering a gonzo performance in a fun film, this absolutely is not that.
Each animatronic is defeated easily with a few whacks from... a stick. Do not waste your time or your brain cells.
Leprechaun Returns (2018)
Shockingly competant
Certainly wasn't expecting anything from this film, but it's definitely worth watching. The Leprechaun inexplicably rips his face off several times in the film, which is a big plus. The Jennifer Anniston sized hole in all of this is also hilarious.
Climate of the Hunter (2019)
Impossible to describe
Climate of the Hunter is an utterly perplexing film. It's stuffed with fantastic performances, bizarre humour, and a premise that is incomprehensible. This film is such a complete and utter vision. The costumes, the music, the lighting, and the bizarre 70's food... this is more then just a pastiche, this feels like an alien displaced from time decided to make a movie about humans.
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
Competent at best
Scenes run too long in a way that undercuts tension and comedy, the plot is particularly silly (even for a superhero fantasy film), and the whole thing felt self important in a completely unearned way. I didn't fully understand what Pedro Pascal's villain was even trying to accomplish, and Barbara's turn happened too quickly.
I appreciated the emphasis on character drama in this sequel, but the story was too lazy and cliche to give any of it any particular weight or purpose. The shallow 80's veneer felt tiresome and uninspired. If the largest theme in this movie is "truth" let's discuss the biggest truth of the film: Diana sexually assaults someone.
Having said all that, I thought Gadot brought more to her performance in this one. She's not winning an Oscar, but she came across as slightly more then just a pretty face this time. Pedro Pascal looked like he was having a lot of fun, and as interesting as Wigg's casting was, I never felt like she ever rose above "competent".
Murder on Middle Beach (2020)
Watch a filmmaker burn his bridges with family
This series is indulgent, at times tasteless, and pretty threadbare in general. The filmmakers have no access to any of the actual evidence, so instead we are treated too uncomfortable interviews with family members, most of whom appear to be struggling with their own demons.
I think the biggest problem with the documentary is revealed when Madison callously asks both his aunt and sister if they murdered his mother. "Sorry, I have to ask..." he claims.
Why do you HAVE to ask that? This is your documentary Madison, nobody is making you do anything. You've CHOSEN to do that in order to sensationalize your interviews with these close family members and put their personal wreckage on screen for people to gawk at for 4 hours. You CHOSE to include your drunken aunt's rambling. You CHOSE to secretly record your father when you manipulated him into meeting you (not once, but TWICE) and walked away with nothing both times. I hope HBO paid you well for the utter exploitation of everyone in your immediate circle.
The smartest person in all of this is the sister Ali who immediately left the country as soon as she graduated to put as much distance as she could from these people. I don't blame her. The dicohotomy between the warm and joyous family she marries into and the absolute wreckage she left behind is probably the most poignant takeaway of the series.
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
Shockingly Uninspired
I think my headline says it all. This is a movie that is so clearly assembled by committee that you can practically smell the stuffy boardroom it was cooked up in while you're watching it.
This isn't a bad movie, it is something far worse: a meaningless nothing movie. There is no vision, no story, no character, and absolutely no justification for even existing beyond being something that can be projected on a screen so that people can pay money to watch it. This is a theme park ride, something that is designed to be an "experience" as opposed to an engaging and well-crafted story.
This film spends so much time having the characters racing around on a completely incomprehensible quest to collect cartoonish macguffins that you ALMOST miss the fact that this film systematically undoes all of the character development of the previous films, causing the thematic purpose of the entire trilogy to collapse completely as you're watching it.
There are so few new ideas to be found here, and the ones that are present are not fleshed out in any sort of interesting way (a cosmic bond between Rey and Kylo Ren is an intriguing concept that goes absolutely nowhere except to function as a deus ex machina for both the villain and the heroes).
Important plot points are breezed over, major character deaths are confusing and land with zero impact, and worst of all the talented cast is given nothing to do.
You'll leave this movie confused and caring less about Star Wars. Nobody involved with this movie knew what to do with the property except display their obsessive fetishization of what has come before. Star Wars is in desperate need of some sort of new blood and direction.
The Empty Man (2020)
Clunky
Not a bad film by any means, but certainly not a good one either. The Empty Man clunks along like a car with square wheels, meandering through most of its story with little direction or energy.
I'm a fan of slow-burn horror, but you need to have interesting characters for that to work, and sadly Empty Man's characters are all largely underdeveloped and forgettable. I think the film also suffers from some tonal issues, it was rather strange to watch a naked high-school girl get stabbed in the face with scissors. It was a scene that felt completely at odds with the rest of the film.
I was intrigued by the story and the concept of tulpas and the cult, but the film's languid pacing kind of kills the interest. David Prior needs to learn how to kill his darlings, the film easily could have lost 20-30 minutes and been a tighter film. Allegedly the director was a nightmare to work with on this production, so who knows what was happening in the editing room.
The Craft: Legacy (2020)
Zero character development
What a misfire this movie was. The plot made zero sense, the new characters were entirely without nuance or development, and the visual effects looked like a bad Instagram filter.
It felt like the writer was so concerned with making the central cast come across as perfectly moralistic do-gooders, that they forgot they where writing teenagers. When a male (Timmy) is the most interesting and fleshed out character in a Craft sequel, you've done something horribly wrong.
You'll see quite a few moments in the trailer that never showed up in the actual film, which leads me to think that the heavy hand of an editor was involved in this one. I knew this movie was seriously in trouble when the central conflict wasn't even introduced until the last twenty minutes.
This feels like the Nickelodeon version of The Craft, with all of the original film's edges systematically filed down to smooth nubs that won't injure anyone if they accidentally bump up against it.
Evil Eye (2020)
Nonsensical
I didn't realize Blumhouse was making Lifetime movies these days.
Nocturne (2020)
Flat and predictable
Not a terrible movie by any stretch, Nocturne's drama has its moments, though you'll see its plot beats coming from a mile away. If you're looking for a horror film, this simply isn't one.
The macguffin of the film (a mysterious sheet book with drawings that seem to foretell the future) doesn't make a lick of sense, but don't worry, it gets completely forgotten about by the time the third act finally rolls around.
Don't be fooled by people getting hung up on the ending, it isn't particularly dense or necessitating any sort of analysis. Juliet's sacrifices resulted in nothing in the end and life moves on.
The Girl in the Spider's Web (2018)
A silly film
"Spider's Web" is a far, far cry from the moody atmospheric dreariness of Fincher's techno noir take on the Millenium series. Instead we get a cheaper cast, magic technology, clunky action, and the oh-so tiresome brilliant/savant child trope.
Lisbeth is chasing down a computer program that can control the world's nuclear weapons that can only be activated by the mathematical wizardry of an autistic child... or something?
Instead of a dark mystery, we get a lazy wanna-be James Bond film with some truly uninspired set pieces. The plot was as cartoonish as the film's villain.
While I certainly think Claire Foy was up for the challenge, I don't think she had much to work with here.
Hunt for the Skinwalker (2018)
A frustrating watch
In interviews Jeremy Corbell has the ability to talk for a long time without actually saying anything at all, and his filmmaking is exactly the same. Here we have a documentary that is over 2 hours long and goes absolutely nowhere.
Corbell's approach is entirely scattershot with very little structure and his inability to interview people is especially evident in "Hunt". This documentary is all style and zero substance (and I'm being generous when I use the word "style"), which is disappointing since Corbell managed to gain access to interesting and compelling individuals with actual stories and evidence, but none of that shows up on your screen.
Corbell also has the cringe-inducing habit of sticking himself right in the centre of his films to the complete detriment of the actual subject matter. I'm rarely this annoyed when watching something, but the same thing happened with his Bob Lazar documentary.
I have to assume Corbell just likes collecting footage, talking in front of a camera, and sitting hunched over some editing software for hours on end. There is no passion for the actual meat of the story, it is constantly danced around, talked up, but never delved into or explored in any meaningful way. Corbell isn't an investigator, he's a compiler with nothing to say.
I would absolutely not recommend anyone waste their time with this tedious and hollow documentary. This kind of filmmaking actively hurts the study and reputation of this kind of material. George Knapp might have more to disclose about this subject, but you won't find that here.