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dexterneptune
Reviews
The Rocker (2008)
Absolutely terrible...
I'm beginning to wonder if I even saw the same movie as most of the reviewers on IMDb. Words cannot even begin to describe the truly awful nature of this misbegotten freak-show.
To begin, "The Rocker" is hands-down not funny, unless you're 10 years old or stoned. Don't get me wrong - I understand it's supposed to be stupid. But there's the "Gradma's Boy" and "School of Rock" brand of stupid (which are both funny), and there is this monstrosity. The entire movie's comedic content consists of a litany of awkwardly delivered jokes that fall flat on their faces and some half-hearted slapstick. I think Rainn Wilson is a pretty funny guy, but his delivery resembles the performance of a high school drama student attempting to mimic Jack Black. He has the gestures, intonation, and facial expressions pretty close, but then you realize that somebody already acts like this - Jack Black. Same thing for the rest of the cast, with the occasional exception of Jason Sudeikis - all reading embarrassingly bad jokes that were obviously written by a teen-movie comedy writer. Everything that was attempted in this movie has been done more skillfully in "Rock Star" and "School of Rock." Next, I thought I would be treated to an 80's hair metal feast. Not so. To tell you the truth, I can't really remember if any real songs were in this soundtrack besides Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock" and Foreigner's "Feels Like the First Time." No. That is not enough. That is not acceptable in a movie titled "The Rocker", about a washed-up, bitter, ex-80's hair metal drummer. There are some pseudo-80's hair songs played by the antagonist band of the story, Vesuvius, but they, like the jokes, seem like cheap imitations of more talented artists. This might be expected from an 80's band that never quite made it to the big time, but the writers of this movie would have you believe that everybody on the face of the planet is stupid for Vesuvius. Not very convincing when the best songs come out sounding like third-rate Ratt. Does anybody really think everybody and their moms would be listening to this? Please. And I love hair-metal. Even so, the fans of Vesuvius can simultaneously stomach the poppy, sugar-coated tunes of A.D.D., the high school band that Fish joins. Which brings up another point.
A.D.D's music sounds like the result of a foursome between The Jonas Brothers and Avril Lavigne. Absolute dreck. Somehow, you're supposed to believe that this band would open for a multi-platinum glam-band sensation. But, apparently, the fans don't seem to care, because the same ones that are bobbing their heads to the catchy emo-esquire licks of A.D.D are still there throwing up the horns when Vesuvius comes out to "rock." And don't forget to throw in gratuitous shots of fans, parents, and manager smiling along to the juicy beat of A.D.D., as if they're thinking to themselves, "Man, these kids are GOOD! Go for it!" How does A.D.D. shoot to the top in a matter of months to become the second most popular band in the world (soon to be first)? Easy - a bootleg video of one of their practices uploaded to YouTube catches the attention of a major label's manager/producer, who shows up at their door to sign a record deal. Take note fledgling bands - it's that easy. A parent meeting is called shortly after, and after a feeble "discussion" about something, all the parents decide that it's a great opportunity to let the kids go on tour by themselves. Literally, the discussion lasts like 5 minutes, with each parent successively caving in after each other. Tripe.
Finally, at the end of the movie, there's the obligatory scene of the manager getting fired, complete with the jaw-clenchingly predictable "you're fired" line delivered by Fish. The problem is, the manager isn't even really unlikable. He didn't really do anything wrong except suggest replacing Fish, a suggestion he quickly retracts after protestations from the rest of the band mates. Aside from that, he's the guy that walked up to their door and hand-delivered the contract to them that makes them famous and encourages them to get to work. But, I guess the movie needed a bad guy, and he happened to be available. Too bad,because he's the only one who's remotely funny in this beast of a movie.
If you're looking for a 40ish rock band dreamer movie that feels and sounds like it was written by Disney's best, this is the one for you. Or, I suppose if you thought "School of Rock" and "Rock Star" were too edgy and mature, then you could probably rent this for a family night forced-laugh. Everybody else, stay away from this disappointing heap of dog turds. It's for your own good.
Appaloosa (2008)
Fail...
Movie started off somewhat promising, then Renee's character, Allie, shows up and the movie is over. To begin, man, is she uncomfortable to look at in this movie. To make matters worse, her character is seedy, deceptive, and underhanded. Yet somehow Virgil falls in love with her, as does everybody else for some reason. She proceeds to sleep with anybody she can get her claws into and still the makers of this movie want us to sympathize with and understand this rotten whore of a character. Not that the movie was exceptional to begin with, but it's hard to even focus on anything else once Allie shows up. I've been good enough to summarize the main points of the movie:
1. Bragg shoots old marshal and his deputies.
2. Virgil and Everett shoot some of Bragg's men (you won't see any more shooting for quite awhile - that's okay, Renee's character is about to show up, and apparently that's what this movie was really supposed to be about anyway).
3. Allie gets off train.
4. Virgil (and Everett) instantly agog at this vision of loveliness. Whereas earlier Everett and Virgil only talk about manly, westerny things, from here on out they will reflect only on life and love.
5. Virgil, hardened veteran mercenary,turns into goofy, grinning schoolboy.
6. Virgil asks whore if she is a whore. Whore asserts that she most certainly is not.
7. Virgil and whore/liar buy house together.
8. Allie tries to sleep with Everett.
9. Allie gets kidnapped and sleeps with Ring.
10. Allie possibly sleeps with Bragg.
11. Virgil pines for lost whore and vows to rescue her.
12. Allie rescued eventually.
11. Short gunfight between Ring, Bragg, Chappie(?), some other guy, Virgil, and Everett.
12. Everett, apparently the only man in town with his balls still intact, pimp-slaps Bragg and calls him out in the street. Everett has to shoot Bragg because Virgil has turned into a whiny, love-struck pussy.
13. Everett rides off into sunset. What happens to Virgil and the whore? Nobody cares because Everett was the only character in this movie who you were really with from the beginning. Everybody else was lame.
All 3 stars go to Viggo.
Karas: The Prophecy (2005)
In short...explosive
This comment will probably sound vague, as words can simply not describe this movie. Akira, Appleseed, Ghost in the Shell, Ninja Scroll, Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away - all classics in their own right. And now, I have no reservations whatsoever about adding "Karas: The Prophecy." This movie is, without qualification, the most amazing piece of animation I have seen in probably a decade. It is utterly unbelievable.
From the very beginning, the senses are assailed with mind-blowing action sequences and a soundtrack that grabs you and won't let go. I realize that this may sound like some lame synopsis on the back of the movie case, but I can think of no other way to describe it. I've had the movie for probably 6 hours now, and I've watched just the opening sequence probably 8 times or so. It's that good. Some critic praised this movie, saying, "It's like Batman Begins." I say this: Batman Begins wishes it had half the energy of this movie, and "Batman Begins" was awesome.
The animation is nothing less than absolutely flawless - easily on par with, or better than, any of the masterpieces previously mentioned. The soundtrack is superb. The storyline could have been completely missing from this movie and I still would have given it no less than a 7 rating - but I'm pleased to say that the story is strong and vibrant. Voice acting is masterful - for once the English dub sounds every bit as good as the Japanese. The direction of the film is stellar on every level, as well.
If you are a fan of good action movies (not just anime), you have to see this movie. You will not regret it - I promise you. Those with decent-sounding home theater systems, you're in for an extra treat - you'll understand when you start watching Karas. But, everybody - do yourself a favor and go get this movie now. Then, turn the volume up, press play, and prepare to have your ass blown away.