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Reviews
Swimfan (2002)
Hey boys and girls, let's go crazy.
Well, I am not sure why, but I had fun watching this movie. It definitely was not from the movie though. The pure joy came from bagging the film with my friends. This has to be one of the biggest waste of film reels Hollywood could have ever wanted to produce.
Let's start with the acting. OK. Jesse Bradford. The guy from hackers. He was all right, probably one of the better actors in this drivel. The problem is he is attached to two hideous actresses. One is dreadfully boring, making us think she has some kind of impairment (That would Jesse's love of his life). The other suffers from the cinematography. They zoom in on her face as if she is going to make some interesting expression. The problem is, she doesn't. She did make me hate her as the villain, but so did Jesse who was supposed to be the protagonist (uh let's go for lunch and a swim and maybe we might make love).
Well OK now let's advance to the plot. The plot seemed to be largely non-sensical drivel that was thrown haphazardly together. I guess the biggest problem is, we didn't care. They tried to tie the story around Jesse's prep swimming career, but I didn't really care if he got to go to Stanford or not.
Does this film have any bright spots, maybe a few, but not enough to make it worth my while. Overall 2/10. I was hoping for better, but instead was given worse than mediocrity.
1st to Die (2003)
Bad.
Well I don't know where to begin. Obviously this was a made for TV movie, so my expectations were low. I was pleasantly surprised by the overall direction of the second hour, but anything before or after that seemed to be a paint by the numbers sort of movie.
And talk about bad chemistry between the tow lovebird detectives. ..
I would go more in depth, but this movie doesn't really deserve it. Grade: D+ (IMDB rating 3/10)
Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)
Funny for maybe 10 minutes...
Then this film degenerates into what could easily be the worst film I have ever witnessed. Its only saving grace is a couple of laughs delivered fairly early on. The film overuses all of gimmicks which range from stupid to painfully stupid. The face in tongue is a great example of this. It was not funny in the beginning and was worse at the end. The plot is unbearable for even a spoof, and in the end, the film simply bores the viewer.
Rating 1.5/10 (rounded down to 1 for imdb)
John Q (2002)
Begins wretchedly, ends predictably...
Right off the bat my biggest complaint is the lack of character development before the crisis strikes the family. John and wife are crying at their son's bad news, but the first several scenes are so poorly acted, that no empathy is felt for them.
----------***spoiler alert***-----
Honestly, the ending was terribly predictable. You know that the intro sequence of the woman weaving in and out of lanes would be required to hold some bearing on the story. It's ridiculous to think otherwise. The movie's hostage situation degenerates by turn John Q. into a hero. We must ignore the fact that he shut down one of the cities busiest hospitals deflecting patients into other undoubtedly crowded emergency rooms. Denzel does give an above average performance in the second half, but this movie didn't move me in the slightest. Another complaint I have is with the fake looking operation. It didn't look real at all.
bottom line
5/10
Diabolik (1968)
Not as bad as it could've been
This sleek Italian super-thriller had you rooting for the bad guy, which would be the only twist from any other james bond type film. From scenes watching Diabolik having sex with his money... I mean girlfriend to being covered in *******SPOILER******* gold (which inherently turned his girlfriend on even more). Could have been worse, and definately not as bad as other films seen on mst3k. Also I am sure I am the first to point out the antagonist was a bumbling idiot.
(Bottom line: 7 thumbs up/ 12.9 stars)
Time Chasers (1994)
Great
Fantastically convincing from beginning to end. Matthew burch is excellent as the enormously-chinned/mulleted nick miller. I am glad that in the future people have happily reverted back to fashions from 1991. This movie proves Hot pink spandex will never die. On a more important note, it teaches us all a valuable lesson of giving our newly discovered secrets of time travel away to evil corporations. It also reminds us that the hot fledgling report is always right in her premonitions. this is a must see film for the entire family.
The Air Up There (1994)
Yawn..
Wow, what a snoozer. Definately one of bacon's worst films. The bad acting coupled with a formulatic, if not incredulous, script make me yearn for time I wasted on viewing this on cable television back. Not really much I can say about it, a basketball scout gets too attached to the person he's recruiting, who happens to belong to a tribe that happens to be on the verge of war which happens to be decided by (spoiler) a basketball game. Grade: F+
The Fast and the Furious (2001)
Loved the cars, hated the acting
Man! were those cars nice to look at. too bad they had to try and make a plot to get in the way of it all. The plot however, wasn't painful as it is with other bad movies, it just wasn't interesting (if you look hard enough you may find one.) This wasn't necessarily a bad movie, as the cars were enjoyable, but who would pick up this script and greenlight it, or even agree to it. Oh well, If you like fast cars and don't mind bad acting go and rent this one. Grade: C
Dude, Where's My Car? (2000)
A humorless journey.
I was not expecting much from a film called "dude, where's my car" except humor. While the film is not totally devoid of it (I can remember two scenes that were hilarious),there is only about 3-minutes-worth in an 80-min long movie, and we are left with an annoying catch-phrase that unfortunately did catch on in my HS (Shibby). The plot is schizophrenic and stupid, but interesting nonetheless due to how bizarre it is. grade: D
Supernova (2000)
terrible, terrible film, with an even worse ending
One user commented How the film showed human's reactions to different situation. I must be a total idiot because I saw no humanity whatsoever in this wonderfully wasted cast. (Not to detract from his opinion, but he came off as a bit smug). This film progresses with monotone dialogue, gratuitous nudity, and 9th-dimensional matter which, according the film (spoiler coming up), will either destroy the planet earth or propel humanity into new unparalleled bliss and utopianism. No one gives a convincing performance and Walter Hill made a correct decision in removing his name from the film. grade:F+
Evolution (2001)
A film that misses the mark
Evolution is not nearly as bad as some of the reviewers on this page would have you believe. The special effects, make-up, and humor of the films only two succesful comic relief actors save this film.
Duchovny's character is static and unfunny, and unoriginal. (Spoiler)he falls in love with Dr Allison Reed a fellow scientist, played by Julianne Moore. Moore's performance is quite possibly the worst in the film. The character of Reed is at first unlikable, and as the story-line between Moore and Duchovny develops not enough character development occurs for Moore for us to really like her.
The films three shining spots were the effects, Orlando Jones, and Sean Williams Scott. Though Jones' acting was nothing tremendously great ( and Scott's was lacking) Both were hilarious at least towards the end of the film.
All In all Evolution is not a great film but the comedy makes it tolerable, and even enjoyable. 6/10
Twin Sitters (1994)
Worse than cheesy. SPoilers included
ok, let's start with the premise. Twin body builders, baby-sitting twin spoiled brats. Still wanna see it? You might like to know that 3 others sets of twins join up with the body builders to fight a terrorist/business/oil giant/whatever. i counted 5 sets of twins in all, how many can you spot?
more seriously now, this is truly one of the worst films ever.1/2*
The Pest (1997)
OH MAN...
Where do I start? This has to be one of the worst films I have ever seen. Sure, Leguizamo provides some laughs but the overall premise of the movie makes no sense and plays off more like a continuous music video than a slapstick comedy. No serious moments and no drama make this movie a total waste of time. I regret paying the 99-cent rental fee at blockbuster for this. If you want to see Leguizamo in a half-way decent movie where he truly shines in his whole, see Spawn (Yes I am actually recommending Spawn over this movie. This movie makes Spawn look genius). overall rating 1.5/10. Giving a generous "2".
Exit Wounds (2001)
laughable dialogue, laughable action
Exit Wounds was slightly better than expected, which still doesn't say much for a film starring DMX and steven Segal. Their are problems from the beginning, which we should all ignore and just enjoy the movie. From the Vice president of the United states screaming "I don't know how to swim" as he is thrown off the bridge the dialogue quickly becomes a transparent cover in which segal can kick some drug dealin'-@$$. Its hard whether or not to recommend this movie i would probably say avoid it, because its not worth seeing, but at the same time it was slightly enjoyable.