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Reviews
Magic Mike's Last Dance (2023)
Tragic Mike: The Last Cash Grab
Three quarters of the way through the film, an intermission sign pops up, featuring some kittens. Not in a Fight Club (breaking the third wall way), or a Titanic (this film is so long you'll literally need a toilet break) way. It's not telegraphed, or explained, it just happens. We had to ask afterward if it was a mistake by the cinema and they assured us it was not. It was the only three seconds of the film that was truly enjoyable.
The rest of the runtime was built around one interesting idea someone had to have Channing Tatum dance on a water covered stage. Except, nobody cared how they got there or why. Nobody cared about story, logic, dialogue, acting... None of it. This may legitimately be the worst film I've ever seen, and I've seen 2009's Dragonquest.
Save your money and don't watch this.
Guillermo del Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities (2022)
A couple decent episodes but mostly meh
We didn't know what to expect going in, so were fairly open minded about it.
The first episode was pretty entertaining, though a little rushed in places. Unfortunately the creature design took us entirely out of the moment.
After that though they got progressively more dull. The cinematography was nice at times, but the stories just weren't that interesting. One exception from me for was Pickman's Model, which I found a lot more entertaining.
Overall though, just very average stories with no real hook to fully draw you in. Each episode individually was forgettable, and there's no overarching narrative or connective tissue to make up for it (except for the rats)
Samaritan (2022)
It's not good...
It feels like somebody had a couple good ideas for a film, but they just couldn't come up with a solid story around it.
This film is kinda a mix between unbreakable (average seeming guy is actually a super hero), LotR (bad guy poured his hatred and power into a ring... I mean, hammer) Logan (old superhero, powers aren't what they used to be) and in a weird way judge dredd (the sly one... Two brothers of equal power, opposing sides of the law). With a lot of random scenes thrown in from other movies such as the captain America lift scene, sort of.
But it lives up to none of those. The "hero's" powers aren't really defined at any point. In one scene, he gets hit by a car and breaks numerous bones before snapping them back into place, cuts and bones need minutes or so to heal. Yet later he's taking a barrage of bullets and barely slows. The idea that his heart might explode if he takes to much damage is a weak logan-esque attempt at introducing some risk, but it has none of the impact.
Also, side note. If I was a trigger happy bad guy and had seen my mates drop hundreds of bullets into a guy without it stopping him, I wouldn't stand there thinking "maybe I've got the special bullet", I'd run.
Editing wise there were a few painful transitions. One in particular where the kid was checking the outside of Sly's apartment and then was immediately inside his own place opening the cupboard. A couple cuts were confusing like that.
The sad thing is, I liked the twist (even though it was really heavily telegraphed). I feel like they should have leaned more into the trauma nemisis felt about his brother dying (and he should probably have actually been directly responsible), it's implied that it had an impact on him, since he hung up his helmet afterward, but doesn't tie into the moral that "there's good and evil in everyone". In reality, samaritan was always apparently good, and nemesis walked between bad and apathetic. His only real good deed was to rescue the kid. So the moral point isn't wrong, but it felt self serving for nemesis to be the one who delivered it. Maybe it should have been the kid.
Anyway. Rambling over. If you're like me and sometimes watch movies just to complain, go for it, there's plenty. If you want Sly, stick the the classics (or, guilty pleasure, escape plan). If you want the movie this one wanted to be, watch Logan.
How Do You Know (2010)
Is this movie sarcastic?
Weirdly this is my first imdb review. I've thought about writing a few for movies that I've loved and hated; but in the end I get bored or distracted and don't bother. Then this mess came along.
I sat through it hoping there'd be some silver lining at the end. But nothing.
The writing is appalling, with dialog that is non-sensical, non-realistic and falls into ridiculous stereotypical tropes.
At the start I thought it was going to be a movie about a female athlete dealing with the end of her career. This would have explained the moments where her more financially successful male counterpart is praised while she's ignored. But that whole story arch is forgotten by the second act and she even starts telling people that every female athlete wants to end their career, find a man and have babies.
It could equally have been an intense story about a father betraying his son. But the relationship between the two is in no way fleshed out. We only have brief scenes where the dad is a jerk who can't control his aggressive impulses. So ultimately, we don't care about the choice the son has to make. Why would be even consider going to jail for the guy?
Or, out could have been a rom com about a girl trying to decide between two guys. But that entire story was so predictable and cliche that by the end of the first 15 minutes or so you know exactly how it plays out.
It felt more like three vague ideas for movies that instead of fleshing out and giving depth, were all smashed together to make a, whatever this was.
The acting (or maybe the given direction?) was awful from actors I love. Nicholson has the only real moment I laughed at when he claims he doesn't know whether he's manipulating Rudd, but other than that it was entirely lacking depth. Wilson was trying to be his usual charming naive blend, but it was too confused confused as to who he was supposed to be. Rudd was a creepy stalker. Witherspoon was just, flat.
And editing. Oh my. There are two scenes in particular that were so jarring that I had to go back and watch them again to check what I thought I'd scene. First: Rudd is running down the stairs in the apartment building, and they reuse the same 2-3 second shot twice. Back to back. Second: Witherspoon gets on a bus, Rudd walks away from the bus from the front to the back and keeps walking. Witherspoon stops the bus and gets of after about 5-10 seconds of driving. Only to immediately start talking to Rudd who is now inexplicable walking towards her. They walk for another half a second and are back at the bus stop, but it's magically on the wrong side of the road. There must have been a cut where the bus turned around? Who knows, but it was awful.
Also, people. If someone calls you to tell you they can't go out with you because their current relationship has moved to the next level, then calls you a couple days later asking you out... Say no. If you do go out with them, and they're so awful and aggressive that you need to tell them to eat the rest of their dinner in silence, don't see them again. And if someone suggests you watch this film, run.