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khoekstra
Reviews
Zombies Gone Wild (2007)
One of the worst "films" I've ever seen...no lie.
Zombies Gone Wild tricked me. It's not the first time and it won't be the last. I picked up the DVD at Best Buy because it had cool cover art and had the Cohen Brothers names proudly displayed on it. Boy, do I feel like an idiot.
This movie is flat out terrible. And coming from me, that's saying a lot. I love B movies. I hardly watch anything else. But this movie, kiddies, is a D movie. It's right up there with Jack O'Lantern as the worst straight to DVD film I've ever seen.
For starters, it has the same video quality as your average wedding video. The lighting is terrible and the sound is worse. These people aren't actors, either. It's three guys with a camera and a van and a bunch of people they likely found by walking up to them on the streets and saying "Hey, would you like to be in a movie?" There's really no plot to speak of and the movie essentially meanders aimlessly for the first hour. At about the 40 minute mark, I actually started watching the movie in fast forward, praying that something interesting would happen. It never did.
What's worse is these guys are trying to be funny. But what they think is "funny" is essentially a series of poorly executed poop and fart jokes that fail to illicit a single chuckle throughout. I guess they were trying to make a horror comedy, but unfortunately there's no horror OR comedy to be found in this film.
A friend asked me to sum up my feelings on this movie and this is the best I could come up with: "If you gave a video camera and a $1000.00 budget to a mentally challenged 3rd grader, you'd probably get something more watchable." I gave this movie 1 out of 10 stars...primarily because the site won't let me give it 0 out of 10.
Avoid this movie like the plague...unless you want to own a $12.00 beer coaster/shaving mirror.
Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings (1993)
Better than the original...
I'm really surprised that the low rating this movie is getting here on IMDb. It's really quite good. More entertaining than the original, in my opinion.
The acting is above average by b-movie standards and the gore effects are solid. The creature is, quite obviously, a rather badly made puppet, but that's all part of the fun. If you're expecting "Aliens" quality creature effects, you'd probably better look elsewhere.
Andrew Robinson delivers a solid, if understated performance as the Sheriff. Fans of Deep Space Nine know Robinson as Garak, the Cardassian tailor and former member of the Obsidian Order. Also of note is Soleil Moon Frye, who's come a long way since the days of "Punky Brewster." Some of the dialogue is forced and, as I stated earlier, the creature effects are sub par, but overall it's a lot of fun. It's worth the five bucks you'll pay for it if you pick it up used from Blockbuster.
In summary, if you're looking for some b-movie horror goodness, you can do a lot worse than Pumpkinhead 2.
Sci-fighters (1996)
Excellent B-Movie Sci-Fi...Roddy Piper's Best Performance
This really is a great B-movie. Roddy Piper delivers his best performance as an actor to date, ranging from comical to serious to romantic to heartbroken.
The story is very straightforward, but extremely fun and watchable. Considering the budget they had to work with, you really have to admire what they pulled off in this film.
It's very similar thematically to "The Hidden," from 1987. There's a great "unstoppable alien" thing going on here. The chemistry between Piper and the extremely beautiful Jayne Heitmeyer is great. She is fantastic as Dr. Kirbie Younger.
I'll be honest...if you're in to serious A-list films, this is no "Citizen Kane." But if you like great B-movie fun, you could do a whole lot worse than Sci-Fighters. It's B-science fiction gold!
Land of the Dead (2005)
A decent "Dead" movie that ultimately falls flat...
Land of the Dead is the latest entry in George A. Romero's "Dead" saga, which currently consists of Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead. The film stars Simon Baker ("The Guardian"), John Leguizamo and Dennis Hopper, among others. Baker is solid and believable in the lead role. I'd never really pictured him as the "action hero" type before, but he holds up nicely. Leguizamo is...annoying. That's unfortunate, too, considering his "Cholo" character is one of the linchpins of the film. Dennis Hopper is...Dennis Hopper. Expect his standard, run of the mill, over the top performance (Read: Speed) that's good (as usual) for several laughs.
I guess the best way for me to describe my feelings about this movie is to say that the whole does not equal the sum of the parts. There were some funny lines. There were some good jump scares. There were some cool gore effects. There were some great character moments. There was some tension. There were scenes that had the audience laughing and cheering. There was some interesting social commentary. But, at the end of the film, I left the theater with an empty feeling. The movie, to me, fell flat.
I think the problem was, in my opinion, that in the previous "Dead" films, it was always some human flaw or failing or emotional issue that led to the zombie triumph. In Night of the Living Dead, "Cooper" screwed things up for everyone when his daughter got Zombie-fied. In Dawn, the arrogance of the heroes and the greed of the biker gang caused the downfall of the heroes. In Day, the arrogance and "a**holishness" of the newly-in-command Major gave the Zombies victory. In Land of the Dead? The Zombies get smart... The Zombies succeed because THEY improve, not because humans regress or relapse in some way. THAT is my problem with this film.
The characters, as a whole, aren't very likable, so it makes it tough to cheer for them as the heroes. The best characters in the film are Riley (Simon Baker) and Charlie (Robert Joy). Their symbiotic "buddy" relationship is the closest thing to real humanity in this picture. The lead Zombie (the one they call "Big Daddy" in the credits) is the other annoying "character" in the movie. His performance is waaaaay too loud and waaaaay too over the top to work. I just cringed every time I saw him on screen. Unfortunate, again, because he's another linchpin of the film. If you've seen the movie Ghosts of Mars, imagine the main bad guy's performance...the guy who looked like a giant Alice Cooper clone. Guess what? They refer to him in the credits (surprise, surprise) as "Big Daddy Mars." *shudder* Awful...
Despite all my complaints, I'm amazed at what Romero managed to pull off on a scant $15 million dollar budget. It's a complete film that tells a very straightforward story with no twists or turns. It just comes right at you...kind of like the Zombies do! I'd give it 3 1/2 stars out of five if you are a "Dead" fan and 1 1/2 stars out of 5 if you're not. As a "Dead" fan, you simply MUST see it. There is enough there to keep you interested and talking. Besides...after Romero got screwed over financially by the original Night of the Living Dead, I think it would be nice to see his latest film succeed.
Paranoid (2000)
Interesting film, but a lot of wasted potential here...
I bought "Frightmare" for six bucks at Circuit City thinking that it was the early 80's version. Imagine my surprise when I pop in the DVD and find a straight to video horror film from the year 2000! I'm a fan of said independent films, so I wasn't upset. I decided to give the film its due diligence.
The Good:
- Some pretty good scares in this movie. A lot of them are "jump scares" and "loud music tomfoolery," but this film should give you a jump or two, at any rate.
- Some decent atmospheric elements. The Haunted House is pretty cool. Some of the "stalking" scenes (the one at the beginning and the one in the middle) are suitably creepy and fairly well done.
- The two main actresses are actually decent actors. The rest of the cast, however, are not very good at all. Said actresses also provide ample "eye candy," if you like tight outfits, leather pants, etc. =) - The killer's outfit/mask/demeanor is also suitably creepy.
The Bad:
- Really bad editing. The movie jumps around a lot. Some of the editing tricks are neat, but overall, it pulls you out of the movie. The editing also makes the plot confusing at times.
- Soundtrack is suspect. The "creepy music" is good, but the soundtrack often relies on a drum machine/bad techno score to fill in the quiet parts. It doesn't work very well.
- The "twist" at the end had the ultimate potential for coolness, but the aforementioned bad editing made it fall flat. This is the wasted potential I'm referring to.
- Sub par acting. As I mentioned earlier, the two main actresses are good, but the rest of the cast comes off like a bad high school play.
Other notes:
Note the names of the main characters...Freddy, Jason, Norman, Michael and Hellraiser. Subtle.
You can see a lot of "Scream" influence in this film. It's interesting to see what is inspiring the next generation of filmmakers.
Overall:
I give it a 4 out of 10. Lots of wasted potential here, but the movie is very watchable if you enjoy these types of low budget, independent films. I don't regret spending the six bucks at all.
The Fanglys (2004)
Amazing what he did with a $2387.00 budget!
Hey, this movie isn't high art by any means, but he did the whole thing for under $2500.00! Compare this movie to the $40,000 train wreck that is "Sleepless Nights" and you'll have a whole new appreciation for The Fanglys.
The acting is much better than most of the straight to video horror on the shelves these days (see Scarecrow and Scarecrow slayer) and the writing's not bad either. The extras on the DVD are worth it...great outtakes and a cool "making of" featurette.
If cheesy, straight to video horror is what you want, you could do a whole lot worse than The Fanglys.
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
A Re-Envisioning That's Actually Good!
Okay, I saw Dawn of the Dead tonight in a sneak preview and here's what I think... (Beware of random "stream of consciousness" thoughts)
I'm a huge fan of the original and I think this is a worthy remake. It's not without its flaws, but it is a solid film all around. I would recommend seeing it.
There are several moments (for me) when I found myself saying "what the f*** are you doing????!" but I guess that's true of any horror film. For the most part, characters behave as I believe they would (and should) in this situation, but a few things are kind of "out there."
The opening is fantastic (as those who've seen the first ten minutes on Sci-Fi channel can attest) and it doesn't let up from there. It draws the audience in.
Many of the characters actually DEVELOP over the course of the film...a novel concept for horror buffs. Only a few characters don't grow...and you can imagine why.
The "fast zombies" don't really bother me...they add a new dimension of terror, but might seem weird to the purists out there. Personally, I think they're TOO fast. I'd have opted for something faster than the classic zombies, but not THIS fast. I'm thinking "speed walking" would be ideal.
There's a rather large cast here and, with the exception of one guy who can't act his way out of a wet paper bag (you'll know who he is), the acting is very solid.
Whoever did the soundtrack (or made the soundtrack choices) is brilliant. You'll know what I mean when you see the movie. I nearly wet myself laughing at one point.
Makeup effects are nice, as is the film quality in general. You'll know at the end why they sent the movie to the MPAA four times to get an "R" rating. As a side note, however, I think Passion of the Christ was probably more violent.
Great dialogue...only one or two (or three) lines in the whole film could be considered "off" or groaners.
Great sense of humor... There were a lot of "laugh out loud" moments to break up the tension...all well placed. The audience really got into it.
In short, go see it if you're a fan of the original or of horror films in general. You'll enjoy it. I'm about the most cynical person I know when it comes to "remakes" or "re-envisionings" of classic films and I thought this was a great effort.
As I said, not perfect, but worth seeing... Enjoy!
Night of the Living Dead (1990)
A Fantastic Remake
I'm of the opinion that most Hollywood "remakes" are crap. Not so with 1990's "Night of the Living Dead." In fact, this could very well be the last Hollywood remake that was done right.
Tom Savini's directorial debut is solid as he takes what many feel is an untouchable classic and actually improves upon it. This movie features solid action, great direction, great cinematography and great makeup effects.
Tony Todd is brilliant as Ben. Patricia Tallman is a pleasant surprise...far more likable, tougher and more convincing than Judith O'Dea was as Barbara. Cooper is as annoying as ever. Acting in general is far better than most Hollywood horror fare.
Solid effort all around. It plays off your expectations from seeing the original and twists them nicely. I can't recommend this movie highly enough. Put it on your "must watch" list.
Cabin Fever (2002)
First Half Was Good...Second Half...Not So Much.
I just watched Cabin Fever for the first time this weekend. I actually bought it used at a used bookstore because my friends and I decided to have "bad movie night" in honor of Friday the 13th.
I have to say, the movie started out pretty well. Some clever dialogue and an interesting situation, but the wheels fell off at the halfway mark. It was almost like they made up the screenplay as they went along and at one point said "Okay, so now what do we do?"
This movie could have been great, but the shifting of gears in the middle from story and characters to gore for the sake of gore was disappointing and forced the movie down into the "below average" range. I love gore. LOVE gore. But, much like Underworld, this movie becomes style over substance (in this case, gore over substance) and it's really not all that stylish.
The characters go from understandably scared to just plain stupid, backstabbing and unlikable. The director saw fit to insert himself into the movie as a red herring...appearing for one scene and then having little (nothing, really) to do with the rest of the film.
The director seems wacky. Maybe I'll appreciate the movie more if I watch it with the commentary on. Somehow...I doubt it. I love B horror movies, but this one left me cold.
If you haven't seen this movie, don't bother. You're not missing anything.
3 stars out of 10 (30%)
Underworld (2003)
If They Show Movies In Hell...
...Underworld will be on the Ultra Screen. *shudder*
Oh my God is this movie awful. One of the most worthless pieces of mindless, plodding drivel ever committed to celluloid. How is it that people on this board can actually LIKE this film? Did you watch the same POS that I did?
Negatives:
***Spoilers***
What's the point of being a Vampire when you don't have to worry about drinking blood? Hey, it's cloned now so no worries, eh? Why? Vampires do nothing "Vampiric" in this trash heap of a movie at all...they don't drink blood, they don't sleep during the day (because there is no "day" in this movie), no super speed, no hypnotic gaze, no transformation into wolf or bat, no flight, not affected by holy symbols...and they CAST SHADOWS AND REFLECTIONS!!! WTF?
At one point, Kate Beckinsdale's Vampire character gets stabbed with a knife (and passes out from blood loss (seriously...I'm not making this up) and rolls her car!?!!? Um...gee...last I checked, Vampires REGENERATED! Blood loss? Agggghhhh...
Werewolves climb on the walls instead of bounding after you? Why not call them Spider-Wolves? They seem to be totally inferior to the Vampires in every way, even though the Vampires are nothing special. What's the point of this conflict if the Werewolves have no chance? If you were a Werewolf, wouldn't you try to fight back against the Vampires during the day??? Oh, wait... I forgot. There is NO DAY!
I wouldn't have problems with any of these things if they even TRIED to explain ANY of it. Bottom Line: The worst Vampires and Werewolves in cinematic history.
The end fight scene is an absolute joke, too. I won't ruin it, though. You have to SEE it to believe it. Ugh.
***End Spoilers***
Acting was sub-par...especially the guy who played "Kraven." Logical leaps abounded. Nothing was explained satisfactorily at all. What was explained was done so in single, throw-away lines or long, drawn out boring flashback speeches. No middle ground at all.
Positives:
- Kate Beckinsdale is easy on the eyes (only reason I didn't turn it off) - Cinematography is nice. - Some pretty cool direction at times...a handful of cool shots.
In short, if you care nothing about plot, dialogue, story, acting, pacing or Vampiric and Lycan mythology, this is YOUR movie.
I gave this movie a 1 out of 10 on the IMDB scale. Why? Because it wouldn't let me rate it any lower than that. Strike one. Two. Three.
Equilibrium (2002)
Fantastic! An overlooked gem...
Whoever was in charge of marketing this film for theatrical release should be fired... I had never heard of it, yet I feel it's one of the best movies I've seen in the past five years. I loved everything about it! I'm so glad I stumbled across it on DVD following a friend's recommendation.
Great story. Great visuals. Great action scenes. Fantastic art direction and direction in general. Solid performances by Bale, Diggs, Bean et. al.
I can't say enough good things about this movie. Highly recommended for Sci-Fi fans everywhere.
Go rent it. I'll wager you'll buy it shortly thereafter.
Hard Time on Planet Earth (1989)
Hot Dog Man! Hot Dog Man!
Remember the episode when Jesse was working as a Hot Dog Vendor at a wrestling arena and he ends up kicking some butt to the tune of a screaming crowd yelling "Hot Dog Man! Hot Dog Man?"
Priceless sci-fi entertainment for its day...
I loved this show when I was a kid... A shame it only lasted twelve episodes, since that's not realy long enough to be re-run...even on the Sci-Fi channel.
Time to check Ebay, methinks...
Four Stars (****)
How to Make a Monster (2001)
Oh...My...God...
Speaking as a game developer in real life, this was about the funniest movie I've ever seen! Here you have a Triple A title being developed by three guys (one sound guy, one AI guy and one weapons guy) along with a business manager and an intern. Bwahahahahaha... Oh my.
If you know anything about PC hardware, you'll get a really good laugh about their "mainframe" and the rest of their "high tech" equipment. Their server room is a huge closet right out of the 70s and it looks like a rack of video cards and Cat 5 cables hanging there in disarray. Oh, and I love the fact that their entire network and game assets can be backed up on a single CD-ROM that takes hours to run a restore with... Priceless.
This movie could have seriously, SERIOUSLY benefited from a technical advisor. I'm sure any self-respecting game developer would have been happy to consult in exchange for lunch with Julie Strain. Odd, too, that Julie has contacts at Ritual Entertainment, who developed FAKK 2. I'm sure they would have consulted just for kicks.
Silliness aside, this wasn't all bad. It's a cool concept... Julie Strain is still nice to look at. Clea Duvall does really well, considering what she has to work with. Tyler Mane was also very cool and there's some pretty good costuming, sets and gore as well.
This is no Citizen Kane, but it's an enjoyable way to spend an hour and a half if B movies are your thing. If you're an IT professional, you will absolutely LOVE this movie! But you'll see it as a comedy... This would be great entertainment at an IT professionals conference.
Below (2002)
Best Horror Film I've Seen In At Least Three Years
Took a chance and bought "Below" on DVD yesterday at Best Buy. I was leery of the $23.00 "not on sale" price tag, but figured why not? I was not disappointed...
Great film! Oh, so much better than "They," "FearDotCom," "Darkness Falls, "Ghost Ship" and every other horror film I've seen in the theater since 2000. Good horror/suspense films are so few and far between these days that "Below" was a refreshing change...for the better.
It's such a shame that Dimension didn't promote this film more when it was out in the theatres. This film deserved much better than it got.
If you see this film hiding at Blockbuster, rent it. If you know someone who owns it, borrow it. Heck, do what I did and buy it. If you like Horror/Suspense films, this one doesn't disappoint.
Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)
Hail To The King, Baby!
I saw the premiere of Bubba Ho-Tep at Flashback Weekend in Chicago and I have to tell you: this movie kicks BIG ass and takes BIG names! It's very true to the Lansdale short story and Bruce Campbell is the MAN in this film. If you're a fan of Bruce Campbell, Bubba Ho-Tep is for you. Four stars!