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cookieman108
Reviews
Blacklight (2022)
A mediocre film diminished by horrendous writing
Most of the aspect of this film were passable but the writing was truly awful. The scripting was clunky and highly predictable, and the story illogical and annoying. This makes for a really poor film that lacks any real engagement or stakes. When you have little to no interest in the characters you don't really care what happens in the story.
After watching this film I really understood why I hadn't heard about it early, because it's a real nothing burger. You could turn this film off ten minutes before it finishes and you would not feel like you missed out on anything, which is a real shame because I really like Liam Neeson. At the very least, I hope he got a decent paycheck out of this.
Will Smith's Bucket List (2019)
No thanks
Oh goody, let's watch a rich celebrity get paid for running around doing stuff most of us will never get to do because we're too busy, you know, working for a living. Maybe if he spent more time parenting and less time fooling around with his personalized endeavors his children wouldn't be so entitled and generally messed up.
Revenge Body with Khloé Kardashian (2017)
Khlobacca Returns!
Disgusting show. It's a cheap variation on the "make over show." Khloe is vapid as ever and her phoney personality totally comes through. Despite her attempt to portray glamor she's the epitome of sleeze and uses the people on the show to further her own career. I dislike her even more after watching RB than I did before. One thing that makes this show so sad is seeing that the people who go through this so called 'transformation' are eventually discarded like the human detritus they are. In the end they are all chewed up and spit out for the glory of the Kardashian empire. Taking action and making a change for the better is always a good thing, so my suggestion is to turn off this garbage and read a book, engage with your friends and family, or practically anything else besides watching this tripe and contributing to this shallow family. I'm turned off!!!
Spring Breakers (2012)
"Bikini's and big booties - that's what it's all about."
I watched this for free on Amazon Prime this weekend and it was about as entertaining as watching a fully loaded diaper fire. There is about 10 to 15 minutes of actual story, the rest of the film being poorly directed flash, nekkidness, and insubstantial nonsense...and not a single, likable character in the entire film.
If you want to spend an hour and a half watching a bunch of "actors" acting the fool, then this is your film. My suggestion if you are hellbent on watching this for the greasy and generally unappealing nekkid bits is to turn the volume all the way down so at least you won't be assaulted by the moronic dialog and insipid acting.
My suggestion, go see "Kids", which was written by the same person who wrote and directed this film. It's got a lot more flavor and realism than this misguided effort.
The Number One Girl (2006)
"You break the rules, there are consequences."
Tony Schiena plays Hollywood action hero, four-time martial artist champion, and all around schmuck Joey Scalini. After wrapping up on a current production, he travels to England to visit his long time gangster friend Dragos Molnar (Jones), and to act as a co-judge in an internationally televised beauty pageant called the Miss Fashion and Cosmetics World Competition, which, by the way, is also sponsored by Dragos, the intent being to put a legitimate face on his criminal enterprises. Joey soon finds himself surrounded by beautiful women, but one in particular catches his eye, the contestant from the United Kingdom named Tatiana (McAllister), who, in fact, turns out to be Dragos' number one girl
you see, Dragos, while married with children, shares his home with any number of women whom he grooms for success, the only stipulation being they allow him to snog them whenever he feels like it (apparently Dragos and his wife have an understanding). Anyway, as the "competition" begins, we're treated to some really rotten lip syncing by various contestants (here's a tip, when fake singing, actually hold the microphone to your gob instead of waving it around
that way it might appear to the more moronic viewers the words coming off the tape are actually coming from your mouth), followed by the swimsuit competition held in Dragos' new nightclub (the Nigerian contestant sure sports a lot of junk in her trunk). After a couple really lousy, hideous rap acts stink up the joint, the contestants and judges start dancing, allowing Joey to grind on Tatiana in front of Dragos who's sitting in audience, to which he reacts by kicking out the audience, barring the doors, and turning the place into an Ultimate Fighting Championship arena, as Joey must now fight not only a series of Dragos' muscle bound bodyguards, but finally Dragos himself in an all or nothing scenario. If Joey wins (no one wins with this film, especially not the viewers) he gets to leave with the girl, and if he loses, well, let's just say it's the end of his supposedly promising career (along with his life)
oh, did I mention all of this is being televised around the world?
I wanted to like this movie (I like the Vinnie Jones), I really did, but it was just so damn disappointing. If you're coming into this looking for some action, I'd suggest skipping the first hour all together, as it's only a overly long, drawn out, and painful set up for the big fight sequence at the end. Even when the action does cut in, it's really not worth it given how poorly it was executed and shot. I did learn a number of things while watching this film, though
1. Internationally televised beauty pageants sponsored by gangsters are most likely fixed. 2. London is the style capital of the world. 3. One way to deal with being in love with a woman you can't have is to make it with two, sleazy women simultaneously. 4. If you're a beauty contestant who is also the property of the guy running the show, don't sing a song about being in love with someone else and make cow eyes towards that person while performing, as it tends to really upset your sugar daddy.
There were quite a few things wrong with this movie, the main elements being the rotten script, predictable story, and the simplistic direction. The acting felt shoddy throughout, but I'd attribute that more to the three, previously mentioned factors than the performers themselves. I really didn't care for the main character much, as he seemed like a real sleaze, only interested in scoring with babes. At one point he claims to be in love, but then we see him making the scene with two women while looking at the headshot of the woman he's supposedly in love with, as if to say "Yeah, I'm making it with two babes, but I'm really thinking of you", which comes off as somewhat repulsive. To top it off, the guy was a real idiot, putting the moves on a woman he had been told numerous times by his gangster friend to stay clear of, with the threat of severe bodily harm implied. The dialog is incredibly insipid, often trying to sound all cool and such, but failing miserably, which really drags that first hour out into a real painfest. This isn't helped by the direction, as the movie is populated with flashbacks, recollections, unsteady, up close shots, and a whole lot of slow motion sequences and establishing shots (we get it, the story takes place in London given all the cockney accents and the visual of Big Ben
enough with the traveling montages already). It seemed like the director tried to incorporate an 'arty' feel using tricks he'd perhaps seen others employ, only here it was obvious and only served to disrupt the overall flow. The big fight sequences in the last fifteen minutes wasn't all that thrilling, especially since one would have to figure Joey would make it through the various thugs in order to get to the big showdown with Dragos. As far as Pat Morita, I don't know what his purpose was in the film, other than to pick up a check and lend his name to the production, as his character was fairly insignificant to the story. All in all unless you were in this film as an extra, or are a glutton for cinematic punishment, I really can't see anyone going out of their way to see this dud as it was about as much fun as stepping on a toenail clipping imbedded in the carpeting in the middle of the night on your way to relive yourself.
Cookieman108
Android (1982)
Much more than human...
Androids
automatons that are created from biological materials and resemble humans
from Fritz Land's 1927 classic Metropolis to Ridley Scott's 1982 masterpiece Blade Runner, the notion of artificial life becoming more human than human has long been an interesting and somewhat neglected aspect of science fiction genre within film (personally, I think the main interest in this type of technology is put forth by men wanting to create their ideal woman and perform whatever sick, twisted desires lie within their perverted, depraved souls
I mean a woman who will do whatever you want, whenever you want and not complain about you leaving the toilet seat up? Free will is certainly a wonderful thing, but it shouldn't get in the way of having a good time).
Android (1983), directed by Aaron Lipstadt, whose primary work afterwards has been on TV shows like Miami Vice, The Equalizer, and Quantum Leap to name a few, stars the talented, but entirely creepy and obtusely intense Klaus Kinksi (Crawlspace) along with Brie Howard (Tapeheads), Norbert Weisser (Midnight Express), Crofton Hardester (The Devastators), and Don Keith Opper (Critters) as Max 404. Not only did Don have a starring role in the film, but he also wrote it
The film mainly takes place on a fairly deserted deep space research station, once bustling with life, but now home only to Dr. Daniel (Kinski) and his android companion/man servant Max 404. Dr. Daniel has been feverishly working on a new prototype droid, one much more advanced than Max (all this work is done in secret out in space as due to a past incident on Earth involving rebellious androids and the killing of many humans, androids have been outlawed
at least that's the gist of what I got). Anyway, life is pretty quite on the station, and Max is growing bored. That soon changes as three escaped convicts, hijacking a prison shuttle ship, seek refuge on board the station due to a damaged engine. Dr, Daniel sees this as a prime opportunity as he's been needing a compatible female (no, no
not what you're thinking
) to use in some weird way to juice up his newest android, one with female characteristics..some sort of biological jumpstart
and one of the three escaped prisoners just happens to fit the bill. Max, who just recently learned of some disturbing news regarding his own future, decides to try and see if, once the they get the engine to the damaged shuttle craft fixed, the escapees will allow him to tag along to Earth, but they have other plans, and given that they are convicted criminals, you can imagine they involve something less than of an altruistic nature. There's a certain pathos to Max, one of a being forced into existence, now trying to find his place in a society that sees him as less than what he is...
I have to say, this film pleasantly surprised me, as it was better than I thought. I really enjoyed the acting throughout, especially that of Opper. He presents a wonderfully naïve character, one with limited human contact, very awkward, but eager to learn and please. His efforts to develop human characteristics come out in interesting and quirky ways, much like that of a child trying to emulate what he observes through interaction with his elders. Oppers naturally buck teeth seemed in opposition to that of a created being, as such apparent physical aspects wouldn't seem to be something one would incorporate into a constructed being, but then that's just my own opinion. Opper does a great job making the audience believe he is what he's supposed to be, an awkward, clumsy, sometimes shy artificial man. Kinski's role seemed less than I thought it would be, as his character seemed secondary to the rest, especially since he seems to be used a lot in the promotion of the film. He is the biggest name in the production, so obviously the makers of the film wanted to capitalize on that, even though his part was somewhat small. I will say he seemed awfully creepy (some would say eccentric, but to me, I would call it creepy perverted), especially when working with his new female construct ("She vill be Ad perfect voman!") and his voyeuristic tendencies, but then just about any film I've seen him in, he seems to exude a sort of European creep/sleaze factor, one akin to a Jess Franco film
maybe it's those bug eyes and his lack of blinking. At first his character seemed to pursue his work with purely scientific goals in mind, but then that changed later on, becoming a bit freaky. The sets are decent, for the time, and look like sets and props used in the television show Buck Rodgers in the 25th Century (1979), starring Gil Gerald. The film had an early 80's feel, the sets, the music, etc., with a late 70's sensibility, the sexual aspects, the brief nudity, etc. I liked the little bits of humor, along with a smattering of originality, as it seemed to 'humanize' the film, stretching it beyond just a standard science fiction type thriller to something more. Does it work? For the most part
it's an odd, multi-faceted story, simple, yet complex within the characters and their motivations. And in the middle of it all is Max, with the pure and simple desire to exist and become much more than human.
Cookieman108
A Kiss Before Dying (1956)
Each kiss a prelude to .DEATH!
I always thought Robert Wagner deserved a better film career than he got, as he's an excellent actor and did a number of movies, including All the Fine Young Cannibals (1960), and The Longest Day (1962), before transitioning to television in the late 60's working on shows like It Takes A Thief and his signature role as Jonathan Hart of the Hart to Hart series. Remember, back in the day it was looked as a major step down to go from films to television, a similar, contemporary comparison being that of working in theatrical releases and then finding yourself in direct to video market hell (Lou Diamond Phillips) or voice-overs for video games (Ray Liotta). Work is work, I suppose, and A Kiss Before Dying (1956) is certainly one of Wagner's finer film roles, in my opinion.
Based on a novel by Ira Levin (Rosemary's Baby, The Stepford Wives), A Kiss Before Dying was directed by Gerd Oswald, one of the more prominent directors in the early days of television, working on such shows as Rawhide, Bonanza, The Outer Limits, The Fugitive, and Star Trek, to name a few. The film stars, as I mentioned before, a very young Robert Wagner, Joanne Woodward, her next being The Three Faces of Eve (1957), Mary Astor (The Maltese Falcon), Jeffrey Hunter (The Searchers), George Macready (The Big Clock), and Virginia Leith, who saw her career bottom out six years later in the seminal sci-fi schlocker The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962). Also appearing is Robert Quarry, who would later achieve a cult-like following for his starring role in Count Yorga, Vampire (1970) and its' follow up, The Return of Count Yorga (1971).
The film opens on a young couple in a small room, the woman weeping softly on the bed, and the man looking as if to console her. The woman's name is Dorothy Kingship (Woodward), and the man is Bud Corliss (Wagner). As the scene presented itself, I took a wild stab in my mind as to what was going on, and I was right
the girl has learned she's pregnant, and now she's broken the news to her boyfriend. Bud seems to offer his reassurances that he'll do right by her, and she accepts them, but to the viewer his words (and actions) seemed to be tinged by a sinister quality, one someone who is blinded by love may not notice. We later find out Dorothy comes from money, and her father (Macready), a stern man, would look poorly on her condition, cutting off any financial support. We later learn Bud's not so much in love with Dorothy, but the wealth her family could provide, and now that the milk from his potential cash cow has soured, due to Dorothy's condition, he must find a way to extricate himself from this situation (can you say murder?), and does so, with a great deal of meticulous, planning. Soon Dorothy's sister, Ellen, who's not convinced the evidence around her sister's death is as clear cut as the police would believe (they thought it suicide), looks into the matter herself, uncovering the well hidden tracks of a cold, ruthless killer, one who's aware of her every move, and won't let anything stand between him and what he believes is rightfully his
I really enjoyed this film
the contrast between Robert Wagner's boyish, all-American good looks and his characters' cold, relentless malevolent drive in achieving his goals was really creepy. He was smart, charming, always seemed to know the right thing to say, and incredibly focused on the details, wary of leaving anything that might lead back to himself. His willingness to do whatever he has to in maintaining his deception is beyond what many could even begin to fathom, even managing to keep his own mother in the dark (which is no easy task, for any of you out there with a mother should be able to attest). Rarely have I seen such an ugly, rotten-to-the-core being hidden by such a handsome and absorbing façade, except maybe in the Omen films (especially the last one with Sam Neill). Everyone else did reasonably well, although I felt casting Macready as the father seemed a bit too obvious, and Hunter's character, as the tutor/junior police investigator, seemed more of a plot contrivance rather than a character. Oswald does a wonderful job directing, and while the story is slow moving at first, it worked well to allow us to really study Wagner's character, the depths of his roguish villainy, and also to set up Woodward's character for a spectacularly shocking demise (don't watch the trailer prior to watching the film, as it will spoil this). Ahhh, but even the most meticulous of plans can come unraveled, especially those based on deception, and soon Bud finds certain loose threads may be his undoing. The ending was theatrically sensational, although I've read that some felt it was a little too over-the-top, ill-befitting the subtle nature of the story, but I thought it was aptly appropriate given the diabolical nature of Wagner's character. One thing that kind of puzzled me is based on Wagner's character's nature for meticulousness, I thought it strange that he should flub his initial, carefully crafted efforts by getting Dorothy pregnant. I know sex ed wasn't focused on as much in the 50's as it may be now, but seeing as how Bud's cousin worked in a pharmacy, I would have thought obtaining prophylactics wouldn't have been that big of a deal
oh well
Cookieman108
The Madmen of Mandoras (1963)
"The slappers of women! The torturers of old men!"
Why am I drawn to bad movies like a fly to a steaming pile of excrement (this metaphor is exceptionally appropriate given the film being reviewed)? I've never really given it much thought, but I suppose it's a similar reaction people display when driving by a particularly bad car wreck
you don't want to look, but morbid curiosity is a compelling, often intrinsic, trait among humans. As far as car wrecks go, cinematic ally speaking, They Saved Hitler's Brain (1963) is a real doozy
the film is actually two movies (the original made in the late 50's to early 60's but never released for some unknown reason, and new footage filmed in the mid to late 60's) spliced together, like some twisted Frankenstein experiment. Apparently the company that owned the original film, Crown International (purveyors of schlock), got some UCLA film students to produce the new footage, and then, in an extremely futile attempt, married the two in the unholy union that is this film (director Al Adamson made a career on doing this, most notably with his 1971 monster mash Dracula Vs. Frankenstein).
The film, originally titled Madmen of Mandoras aka Amazing Mr. H aka The Return of Mr. H (before the celluloid mating) was directed by David Bradley, whose earlier films include a juvenile delinquent picture titled Dragstrip Riot (1958) and the epic sci-fi craptacular 12 to the Moon (1960). The film stars Walter Stocker (Lassie's Great Adventure) and Audrey Caire, who seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place her until I looked up her credits as saw she also appeared in Joe (1970), one of my more favorite films of the early 70's. Also appearing is John Holland (The Naked Brigade), Carlos Rivas (True Grit), Marshall Reed (Ghost of Zorro), Scott Peters (Panic in Year Zero!), Nestor Paiva (The Three Stooges in Orbit, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter), and Bill Freed (who later adapted Dean R. Koontz's novel Watchers into the 1988 film of the same name) as Adolf Hitler, or, at least his head.
The film starts out with the newer footage (which actually looks worse than the older footage), relating some kind of story regarding secret agents, nerve gas, and various murders. The main character, named Vic (who looks a lot like Chuck Negron, the original lead singer from the 70's band Three Dog Night) is a secret agent assigned to investigate the death of a scientist, but he himself eventually dies in a fiery car crash (actually his death is represented by footage taken from the 1958 feature Thunder Road, starring Robert Mitchum). All of this takes about 27 minutes, and then we cut into another film, already in progress, featuring the actors I listed above (the actors in the newer footage are not listed in any credits). From here we follow the exploits of Phil Day (Stocker) and his wife Kathy (Caire) as they travel to the tiny Caribbean Island nation of Mandoras to locate Kathy's recently kidnapped father, a scientist who developed an antidote to a deadly nerve gas. Phil and Kathy soon learn a handful of Nazis, lead by Hitler's head, and their nefarious plans to take control of the world. Will Phil and Kathy be able to stop the madness, or will the Third Reich finally achieve the goals it set for itself some 20 years ago? Their plan seems pretty rock solid, so things don't look good
I'm unsure why the newer footage was added, especially since it matched up so poorly (it looked like a bunch of laid-back hippies running around, compared to the more conservatively attired characters in the original footage). The original film is actually not a bad little B film (at least, compared to the newer footage), but I suspect some of the original footage may have been lost (or never filmed), hence the addition of the newer material, as to try and provide a setting for the older material. Thing is, the newer stuff was shot so very poorly, lacking any sense of direction (hey, it's daytime
no wait, it's night
oops, it's daytime again), and I was able to piece together much of the intended story from the original footage I didn't need the newer material. And that music for the newer material
27 minutes of really crummy free form jazz
the horror, the horror
the concept of saving Hitler's head seemed kinda cool, but what was probably meant to be a shocking surprise (the whole plot of Hitler's head plotting a conspiracy) was effectively ruined by the newer title. The special effects are pretty much what you might expect, with Hitler's head, when not being carried around in a jar, sitting atop an older model videotape machine. Freed's head did look a little creepy, sort of bug-eyed and slightly emaciated, with his only dialog, as a disembodied head, being 'Mach Schnell! Mach Schnell!' (I guess one would probably get pretty cranky and impatient surviving in a jar, relying on the charity of others
I wonder which lackey got the job of trimming his little moustache?) My favorite scene has to be when Phil and Kathy get kidnapped by a mysterious Hispanic man, and as they come to a stop light, another car pulls up, shoots the Hispanic man dead, but the couple, who are in the car with the now dead man, don't realize he's dead until much later, eventually stuffing his corpse into a phone booth, the intent being someone will find him (and someone does, in the form of an impatient, rotund lady wanting to use said phone
oh the comedy!)
Cookieman108