DavidsGuy Reviews

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

Finally!

[8/10 · 11 April 2024]

I would have given this entertaining and enjoyable movie a higher rating except for the appearance of O. J. Simpson who added nothing to the film except bad acting. I was thrilled to learn today that Simpson has died! His death was long overdue and good riddance! He should have died by execution years ago for the murder of the mother of his children as well as an innocent bystander who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. (Simpson was found liable for their deaths in the CIVIL trial, so yes, he was a murderer.) I hope that Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman can rest a little easier now that their killer is dead. I stopped believing in justice when Simpson was able to buy himself an aquittal in his criminal trial and I used to wonder how he explained their (abused) mother's brutal death to his children? He finally got his and like the black people who cheered his aquittal, I am now cheering Simson's death! (Serial rapist Bill Cosby is supposedly at death's door. More good news!)

Bell Book and Candle (1958)

Endora's Angry

[9/10 · 7 April 2024]

I'm a warlock and I plan on putting a spell on those who gave this fun, entertaining, and delightful film a low rating, so if you suddenly feel unwell or something heavy falls on you, you'll know why! My "cat" (Endora) isn't very happy with your comments either. She thoroughly enjoyed Pyewacket's performance and now your harsh words about this film have angered her. Every time she reads a negative review, she hisses something fierce.

The only issue I have with this film is the bland, sexless James Stewart being cast in the lead. As others have stated, he's too old for the part and would have been better paired with Elsa Lanchester's character. I don't see anything appealing about Stewart's character, so why would one want to put a love spell on him? I've read that Cary Grant actively pursued the lead role and even though he was around the same age as Stewart, at least he had loads of sex appeal. One could understand wanting to put a love spell on him!

Ben-Hur (1959)

One of the few

[8/10 · 4 April 2024]

Although Ben Hur is certainly an example of exceptionally well done filmmaking -- William Wyler often proved that he was one of the best at what he did -- it's disturbing yet not surprising that there are those, many of whom have left fevered comments here (were you attempting to speak in tongues?) who actually believe that Ben Hur was a real person. Then again, these are the same simple, unquestioning minds who believe that a mortal man/cult leader named Jesus Christ was the son of a god. (Personally, I believe in Perseus, the son of Zeus. Apollo's kind of cute and beefy too!)

What's refreshing about Ben Hur is that it's one of his few films where Chuck Heston isn't hamming it up like he did in The Ten Commandments. Another plus is the gay subtext at work between Ben Hur and Messala proving that opposites have always been attracted to each other, especially when they're oiled-up and wear skimpy gladiator outfits. Maybe if Ben Hur and Messala had just had one night of hot monkey love they could have resolved their hostilities.

Airport 1975 (1974)

Poor cross-eyed Nancy (also known to all the men as "honey")

[2 April 2024]

Between Karen Black's over-the-top facial expressions (she even sticks her tongue out), the usual hammy Chuck Heston throwing his testicles around, Linda Blair trying oh-so-hard to be super cutesy and not a demon-possessed child spewing split pea soup, Gloria Swanson's double being shot down the plane chute, and the always annoying Helen Reddy as a singing nun (no wonder her film career never took off, so to speak) this sequel to the original is hilariously campy fun. Anybody taking it seriously needs to lighten up or take a laxative. The rest of the stars are just so much filler who don't add much except trying to look terrified. Watch it when you need a good laugh.

Pollyanna (1960)

Now more than ever

[10/10 · 2 April 2024]

So many bitter cynics here who aren't (and never will be) glad about anything in their life so instead they vent and lash out by leaving nasty comments about films such as Pollyanna. I call them the Mrs. Snow's of the Internet (Agnes Moorehead's character). Hayley Mills was one of the top child stars of the late 50s and 60s and she more than deserved the special juvenile Oscar she was awarded for her performance in Pollyanna. She also made the cover of Life magazine (a major magazine at the time) at the age of 13, the same year she played Pollyanna. As always, she's a delight and outshines the other actors in anything she's in regardless of the role she's playing. (I highly recommend reading her autobiography, "Forever Young: A Memoir.")

Now more than ever, the world could use something to feel glad about and if you can't think of anything, I have one for you: this is the year Trump will finally be held accountable for his many crimes and miserably lose yet another election. Now doesn't that give you a warm, fuzzy feeling all over?!

Spider-Man (2002)

Who knew?

[10/10 · 2 April 2024]

Super hero movie or not, this film is pure entertainment. Even those who don't write long-winded reviews or take themselves and their comics so seriously or spend too much time in their room will like it. I've never read a comic book in my life nor have I ever stepped foot in a comic book store, and I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Everything about it came together perfectly. And who knew that a buffed-up Tobey McGuire could look so hot in his tight little costume or that being bitten by a spider would give his character a big flapper? (Is that also in the comic book fully illustrated and all?)

(Somebody told me that Aunt May and Batman's Aunt Harriet later became a crime fighting team. Is this true?)

The Ten Commandments (1956)

Plenty of Easter Ham to go around

[7/10 · 31 March 2024]

Chuck Heston as Moses arguably gives the hammiest performance in the history of ham. His voice even out-booms god's. If you didn't get enough ham in your Easter dinner, watch this and you'll have more than enough ham until next Easter. (You might even begin oinking.) Heston's acting is often so over-the top that there should be an 11th Commandment about not out-hamming ham.

Except for the religious who take this movie very seriously and get headaches from praying so hard while watching, this lavish fairytale is campy fun. There's Yvonne de Carlo (aka Mrs. Moses) who's supposed to be a poor shepherd girl and yet she wears full makeup throughout, even in the desert. Then there's Edward G. Robinson's Brooklyn accent on full display. And let's not forget John Derek looking so hot and oiled-up that it causes many viewers to have unspeakably naughty thoughts and fantasies upon viewing him in all his oily-ness. But the one who makes this movie worth watching is Yul Brynner. Bad boys are always fun and so much more interesting and Brynner's character is so bad you'll want to spank him on his naughty pharaoh bottom.

Most importantly, why did Moses' hairstyle change (highlights and all) once he came down from seeing the burning bush? (Even Mrs. Moses commented on it.) Did god or the bush do that? I've never seen a religious fanatic with good hair, so what's going on with that?

Apples Never Fall (2024)

Don't listen to those praising this train wreck

[1/10 · 19 March 2024]

Those who actually like this mess must be easily entertained. How else could one explain why somebody would praise it? Yes, it holds one's interest, but so does a train wreck. Half-way through, I kept hoping they'd all disappear. As others have stated, none of the screwed-up characters, especially the incessantly annoying and bratty children (who reminded me of the children in The Staircase with Colin Firth) are likable; the mother is a clueless and flaky moron; and Sam Neill's character needs a good beating. I'm trying (hard) to think of one redeeming character in this series and I can't. There's bad acting, terrible writing, and a strange-looking lesbian who really should shave her armpits. And the detectives are such bad actors that they must have been hired from a Lifetime movie. (One laugh-out-loud scene -- it's so bad it's hilarious -- is the blonde son's reaction when they're at the morgue to see if a body that was found is his mother's and his sister and father walk out of the viewing room. Be sure to look at his expression as he holds his head Home Alone style. It's just one example of the bad acting found throughout.)

Julie & Julia (2009)

A Class Act

[1/10 · 15 March 2024]

Julia Child wanted nothing to do with Julie Powell and wouldn't endorse the film or anything pertaining to it in spite of Powell's repeated attempts to reach out to her. According to what Meryl Streep stated in an interview at the time of this film's release, Ms Child objected to the gratuitous use of foul language sprinkled throughout, specifically the f-word, and wanted no part of it. (This is called being well bred, boys and girls.) I say more power to Julia Child! She was not only a talented, one-of-a-kind, world-renowned chef, but a class act as well. As down-to-earth as she also was, Julia was of a generation where such language wasn't freely spewed in every conversation (and film) like it is now and she would have none of it. Back then, those who used such language, especially women, were considered limited and uneducated (at best) but usually cheap and trashy. Nowadays, one risks being called a prude (or worse) if one finds such language offensive and objectionable. For this reason, and even though I'm a Streep fan, I didn't find this film "cute," "inspirational" or "fun" as others have gushed mainly because Powell wasn't even in the same league as Julia Child...and it shows. (To those who might give my comment a thumbs down, do you kiss your grandmother or your children with that mouth?)

Oppenheimer (I) (2023)

What a pity

[3/10 · 12 March 2024]

Evidently, there are a lot of physicists and physics students commenting here who don't get out enough. You take this film (and yourselves) far too seriously. Any film that is overhyped and gratuitously gushed about as much as this one has been deserves a lower rating. Then there are those who are praising Nolan as some sort of directing god to the point where perhaps you should check your shorts to see if you're dribbling. You sound positively orgasmic and I'm embarrassed for you. Oppenheimer has more wrong with it than right. The film didn't deserve the Oscar and I didn't find it "a brilliant masterpiece," but a slow and annoying exercise in patience and stamina. What a pity that all the Trump cultists can't be rounded up in one place and have an atomic bomb dropped on them. Now there's a film one could celebrate and feel good about!

The Day Mars Invaded Earth (1962)

There must have been

[2 March 2024]

The tasteless oddballs referring to this train wreck of a movie as "brilliant" or worse yet "a sci-fi classic," are atomically getting a thumbs down from me -- and I giggle while doing so too! It's an obvious rip-off of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and a Grade Z one at that. The acting wasn't that bad, but everything else was. Near the end, I kept hoping the Martians would put everyone out their misery, including the viewers, and destroy Earth. (And why did the inside of the mansion look so small and dumpy? The interior didn't match the exterior.) I doubt that those watching this at a drive-in theater were able to stay awake from beginning to end. It must have been one of those cheap flicks where there was a lot of making out and boner riding in the cars.

Surviving Picasso (1996)

Surviving Anthony Hopkins

[2/10 · 28 February 2024]

I'll leave it to the pretentious art students and frustrated art teachers commenting here to sing the undeserved praises of this tedious and annoying film, but I could survive only a half hour of it. The scene with the owl and the cat was the last straw, not to mention all the scenery Anthony Hopkins is chewing. This film was made when Hopkins was in everything and anything and could do no wrong in the public's mind, but this is one he really should have passed on. As Picasso, he does the same puzzling dialect he did in Bram Stoker's Dracula, even some of the same gestures. And what was that accent Julianne Moore was attempting, the one that came and went? She's one of my favorite actresses, but from what I did see, I wasn't very impressed by her performance in this.

Wild Oats (2016)

It was good until it wasn't

[2/10 · 19 February 2024]

How sad and embarrassing for them all, especially Jessica Lange and Shirley McClaine. We'll never know if they did this movie for the money or for the opportunity to work together, but they really should have passed on this mess (or at least read the last half of the script). It started with such promise (even a few chuckles) and then went progressively downhill from there to the point where it became...what's the word?....STUPID. I kept waiting for it to get better, but it just got worse, and I found it painfully difficult to finish watching this train wreck. Between Shirley McClaine rotating her wigs and Jessica Lange making fart sounds (not to mention the truly terrible supporting cast) what were they all thinking? I also expected more from Billy Connolly. He went through the movie looking and acting constipated. I kept expecting him to ask Shirley McClaine to pull his finger.

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

One just knows

[10/10 · 4 February 2024]

I have a question for all the over-the-top gushers here, those who gushed so much about this classic thriller than I wouldn't be surprised if they had a sexual release while writing their reviews: if you love this film so much and consider it "the best of all time," then why did you give it only 8 stars out of 10? Doesn't it deserve 10 out of 10? I'm not even gushing about it and yet I give it 10 stars simply because it deserves it. Everything about it comes together perfectly and it truly is is one of the best fhrillers in film history. It deserved all the Oscars it won.

On an aside, since Trump attracts the lowlifes and the nut jobs -- the type who are always making death threats and do bizarre and twisted things when they're alone -- one just knows that the character of "Buffalo Bill" would have been a Trump cultist. It's so obvious.

Big Bad Mama (1974)

Big Bad Stinky Movie

[1/10 · 31 January 2024]

Of all the Bonnie and Clyde knock-offs that were made in the late 60s and early 70s, Roger Corman's Big Bad Mama has to be the worst, the trashiest, and the most ridiculous. It doesn't deserve more than one star and I have to seriously wonder about those who gave it more than one star. I'm embarrassed for all involved. Angie Dickinson and Ham Shatner must have been at a low point in their careers to make this silly, amateurish mess. It's almost comical listening to Shatner trying to speak with a southern accent, especially since it comes and goes. And then there's the scene where Dick Miller is in a shoot-out with Mama's gang with his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth. The writing is atrociously bad and the acting even worse. A group of slow high schoolers could have easily made a better movie. The only thing this forgettable movie is known for is that it featured Ham Shatner in his first and only nude scene...such as it is.

The Stepfather (2009)

Shiny Beads

[10/10 · 20 January 2024]

Don't listen to all the teens and tweens here who are giving this remake a low rating and ranting against it. They think it's cool to hate everything, especially if other teens and tweens do, so they mindlessly agree so they won't feel left out or appear uncool, the type who find everything boring because they're boring people who follow the crowd. Their idea of a good movie involves non-stop slashings, explosions, comic book characters, and shiny beads.

This is a very well-done and well-acted remake that's better in several ways than the original. It's gripping, intense, and well paced and all involved do a great job with their character, especially the wonderfully hirsute Dylan Walsh.

Amadeus (1984)

Let's Face It

[7/10 · 18 January 2024]

There's so much gratuitous gushing here from commenters who can't seem to shower enough praise on this film that I think you need to stop and take some deep breaths before you pass out. Get a grip and keep repeating to yourself, "it's only a movie, it's only a movie..."

No, Amadeus is not "the greatest film of all time" or the "masterpiece of all masterpieces," or "brilliantly perfect and flawless," etc. Etc. Yes, it's generally a good film, especially if one likes elaborate costume dramas and biopics (and Tom Hulce is as cute as a bug's ear -- one just wants to tickle him) but it's also badly in need of editing. Must every opera and ballroom dance sequence be so long and shown again and again? Plus, it's not exactly an accurate depiction of Mozart's life. The actress playing Mozart's wife was badly cast and gives the impression that she was hired straight out of a high school play. (No wonder her career never took off.) Also, both F. Murray Abraham and Tom Hulce, as good as they are, ham it up at times as if they're in a contest to see whom can out-ham the other. And yes, as some have pointed out, it did win eight Oscars but that's mainly because Hollywood loves rewarding spectacles and extravagant period pieces, especially during the 80s. (Remember Gandhi, The Last Emperor, and Platoon?) And let's face it, when most think of this film, they don't think of the music, the story, or the costumes, but Hulce's laugh as well as...The Fart. Now there was a perfectly flawless fart, the greatest fart to ever explode from the silver screen! No other fart will ever equal it! I'm simply overwhelmed by the brilliance of The Fart! Why wasn't The Fart nominated for an Oscar?!

Joker (I) (2019)

If you must

[9/10 · 14 January 2024]

It's telling that after all this time since the film was released, there are still those commenting on this movie on an almost daily basis. I don't know if it's because some are obsessed with it or because, like the Joker, they're incels and social outcasts who strongly identify with Arthur Fleck because their lives are similar to his. If the latter is the case, i find it sad and disturbing that they're are those who feel a kinship with such a dark, warped character. Like the Joker, such people are too far gone for love or medication or even new underwear (like Arthur obviously needed) to make a difference for the better. They've been irreparably damaged since childhood, the type who eventually go on a shooting spree or join the cult of an orange fascist criminal. There's an Arthur Fleck reading this right now who is on the verge of snapping any day. Perhaps you should take extra medication or maybe you'd feel better is you went out and bought some new underwear. (If you must snap, vent your rage at the fascists in the USA who've come out from under their rocks to foul the land and threaten democracy.)

Under the Dome (2013–2015)

Egg, Egg, Who's got the Egg?

[1/10 · 13 January 2024]

Is this one of those series where every time one hears the word "egg" they take a shot of booze? If so, you'll be mercifully dead of alcohol poisoning long before the end of it.

I don't know how I managed to avoid this shockingly bad series when it was first shown (luck, I guess), but I decided to watch after coming across it by accident. I don't even know where to begin to describe just how mind-numbingly terrible it is. It's like watching and listening to something a group of slow middle-schoolers put together. For Stephen King (and Spielberg) to be associated with it in any shape, form or manner is especially disturbing. (King even makes a brief cameo appearance as one of the diners proving once again that the only thing scarier than his face is his attempt at acting.) After it first aired, King and Spielberg should have been embarrassed to appear in public and when they did, hopefully they were beaten with sticks. With a few exceptions, you'll find unbelievably bad acting, even worse writing, and a story so ridiculous and convoluted that your jaw will literally drop. I don't remember the last time I saw something so memorably awful. It takes stink to a whole new level. By the end, I kept hoping the dome would destroy everything and everyone beginning with the angry, angst-y, goofy-looking teens and the always annoying token computer geeks.

(After reading some of the positive comments here from those praising and gushing about how great this series is, I'm guessing your average age is 14, you're easily entertained by explosions and shiny objects, you do odd things when you're alone (which is often) and in school you get poor grades in English, grammar, and spelling. Am I warm?)

81st Golden Globe Awards (2024 TV Special)

Who?

[12 January 2024]

I'll ask what millions of at-home viewers were asking: who the H is Jo Koy?! If he's an example of who will be hosting in the future, the Golden Globes will be one less awards program I'll watch. Koy wasn't funny (and that's putting it politely), the writing was terrible and disjointed, and it was embarrassing seeing just how bad bad can be. He reminded me of a high schooler on amateur night who won't get off the stage. The award winners were predictable and once again mediocrity (and whatever is popular for the moment) was celebrated. Token blacks and Asians were thrown a bone (big sarcastic surprise) whether they deserved it or not, so that was predictable too.

The Normal Heart (2014 TV Movie)

Streisand and Kramer

[7/10 · 6 January 2024]

For those who wish to know how The Normal Heart (the film) came about, read the chapter about it in Barbra Streisand's recently published autobiography. She was the one who first bought the rights after seeing the play and Larry Kramer was (initially) thrilled that she was interested in turning the play into a film. But then, of course, he became demanding and impossible to work with because of his abrasive, combative, and irrational personality and the deal between them fell through. (He even ridiculously threatened to sue Streisand at one point.) Kramer was adept at infighting and alienating others and often did more harm than good in the early fight against AIDS. Whether it was those within the gay community or his lovers, Kramer was known to alienate those in his life. Streisand has some interesting things to say about him, all of it true. (It was also Streisand who originally cast Mark Ruffalo and Julia Roberts in their roles, not Ryan Murphy.)

A Walk on the Moon (1999)

Dinky

[7/10 · 1 January 2024]

Even though he's a grow-er and not a show-er (translation: he has a little winky), I mainly watched this for the incredibly sexy Viggo Mortensen. (Be sure to see him in Green Book.) I can understand why Diane Lane's character couldn't wait to get naked with him and enjoy his dinky. As others have commented, the story pretty much captures the feel of the times although I've never known any Jewish people who had such foul mouths. Believe it or not, there are those who don't resort to hurling F-bombs at each other even when having the worst of arguments. Nor did I find it "cute" or funny when Pearl's children, especially her 8 year old son, resort to foul language. (I'm sure the foul-mouthed among us thought that particular scene was hilarious.) Looking back on the 60s, I can't help but think how ridiculous, naive, and clueless our generation was by thinking the world could be changed for the better by doing drugs, getting naked, and chanting nonsense. Only cold, hard cash can truly change anything.

A Grandpa for Christmas (2007 TV Movie)

Don't pull grandpa's finger!

[8/10 · 24 December 2023]

Although this is a good movie generally and worth a watch, some of the acting is a bit forced on Ernest Borgnine's part and sometimes the cast appears to be trying too hard as if they're thinking, "We're in a Christmas movie so we should act extremely festive and peppy!" The granddaughter, who sings every song with a bouncy C, starts out as a rude and annoying brat so it's hard to like (or even want to understand) her character, but as the movie progresses she becomes less bratty but still annoying. (With her voice, the director certainly didn't need to tell her to "sing out, Louise!") It also has its funny moments such as when Ernest Borgnine's character (after having some egg nog) tells his granddaughter to pull his finger and then lets loose with a giant fart causing the granddaughter to run screaming from the room. Gassy stuff that egg nog.

Match Game (1973–1990)

Sommers and Rayburn

[7/10 · 15 December 2023]

Enjoyable and entertaining show for the most part except for Brett Sommers and Gene Rayburn. Rayburn could be rude and insulting to guests and thought he was so much more than he was. He could also be obnoxious and hammy. It's easy to see why his career never went any further than game shows. The often annoying Sommers had a big mouth and never shut up. The only thing more grating than her nonstop mouth were her attempts at "singing." She always wanted to be the center of attention and would do anything to get it, including at the expense of other celebrities. Some of the contestants were more entertaining and memorable than the celebrities, especially if they were cute, sexy, or just stupid.

Making Montgomery Clift (2018)

Some surprises

[7/10 · 11 December 2023]

This doc (or whatever it is) starts out interesting and insightful, but then it becomes too much about Clift's brother, his brother's family, and the two biographies written about Clift. It does show never-before-seen clips of Monty at play (I never realized he was so hairy and I'm lovin' it!) and presents more of his lighthearted and playful side. Evidently, his life wasn't all tragedy and self-destructive behavior. It was also interesting to learn that, unlike most American men, Clift was uncircumcised and had a small weenie. (In my experience, most good looking men have a small one. It's true. Show me a toad and he'll have a big one.) No matter. The rest of him was most appealing and as an actor he was light years better than Brando, James Dean, and all the rest.