authorjrhawkins Reviews

Three Blind Mice (2023)

I enjoy bad horror films, but this was unwatchable.

[2/10 · 25 October 2023]

Where do I start? The horrendous acting? The non-existent story? The fact this entire film feels like it was written and filmed in the span of two hours?

You'll know within the first 5 minutes whether you'll be able to bear watching this crapfest. The whole thing honestly felt like anohter 'Wrong Turn" sequel, and if you've ever seen those, you KNOW how pathetic they are towards the end.

The acting is pathetic, the characters are some of the worst written I have seen in a film, and the plot feels like they just made it up as they filmed. The ONLY saving grace of this film is that the special effects and makup are decent. Not good, but decent. (That gives it an additional star)

This new wave of Children's characters turned into horror films trend had so much promise when it was first proposed, but after seeing what it has been so far, I want it to disappear from the horror film scene of eternity.

There just isn't anything of substance here. Even if you like bad horror, you'll struggle to find much in this one.

2/10.

Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023)

What's Below Asylum Films? This.

[1/10 · 20 March 2023]

I wanted to like something about this movie. Anything at all. But the fact of the matter is there is nothing good here.

Some bad movies can still be enjoyable to watch. This one is just not.

Some of the worst effects I have ever seen. The kills were boring and predictable. The acting was embarrassing. The cinematography is pathetic. They could have leaned into the ridiculous premise and made something almost comedic, but they didn't. It fails to be entertaining in any way.

This makes Asylum films look Oscar-worthy.

Can you make a film for under $100? Apparently so. With a budget of $100,000, I'm wondering what they spent the other $99,900 on.

Abandon all hope ye who watch this joke of a film.

Maneater (2022)

Can you make a shark movie for under $100? Apparently so

[1/10 · 28 January 2023]

I love a good B-movie creature feature, but this is just insulting the viewer. This makes Asylum films look almost Oscar-worthy by comparison. Where to start? The acting is... Nonexistent. Pretty sure they asked a few random people on the street if they wanted to shoot a movie for $5 each and they took the 10 folks who agreed. The other $50 went into the special effects, which they re-used constantly throughout the film. Once in a while they would mirror the same scene, but it was still the same garbage. Pretty sure they wrote the entire script on a napkin in about 6 minutes. I would strongly recommend passing on this one.

Velma (2023– )

I was wrong...

[1/10 · 13 January 2023]

I had an open mind going in, but I was so wrong...

I defended the show before it came out saying "Let's wait and see, it could be good! It could surprise us all!"

Every single ounce of hatred towards this show before it came out was warranted and I am sorry I didn't listen.

They tried so hard to be inclusive that they forgot to make the show watchable.

They forgot to make it entertaining.

They forgot to make the characters remotely interesting.

They forgot to make it enjoyable for an audience.

They forgot to make it Scooby Doo in any way at all.

There are few things in this world I regret watching, but I'll go ahead and put this on the same shelf as A Serbian Film, Antichrist, and Salo and leave it in a dark closet to rot away from existence.

If there is any sort of God or higher deity, I hope that they will not allow this to ever see a season 2.

The Umbrella Academy (2019–2024)

A sprint, not a marathon.

[6/10 · 7 January 2023]

This series come out of the gate strong with an interesting premise, fascinating characters, and a tense plot to pull you through the first season at a record pace! I cannot say enough good things about this first season! It's a fun take on the comic-book style superhero story. (This is the only reason the rating isn't a 1)

Then we get to the second season, where we do everything that they do in the first season.... again. Okay, been here, done that, can we do something more original? No. No we cannot.

Well, surely they'll switch things up for the third season, right?

Right?!

Nope. The same exact story, told 3 seasons in a row. Same arc. A couple different faces, a couple different settings, but ultimately just more of the same. Also, I am really starting to hate these characters, especially the r*pey one.

It's clear they didn't expect the show to last more than 1 season and had zero clue how to continue the storyline in Season 2 and beyond. I have very little hope for season 4. I'll watch it, and ultimately feel like the fool if I fall for the same trick of watching the same story yet again...

The Requin (2022)

The Special Effects Were better in the 1970's...

[1/10 · 12 June 2022]

I am a big fan of shark flicks. This is the first one I have seen in a long time that was unwatchable. I'm just going to list a few reasons why you should not bother with this dumpster fire.

• The green screen and special effects are pathetic. This is 2022 and the effects were better in the 1970's... This makes Jaws 3D look like Avatar.

• Where are the sharks? You'll be waiting over an hour in this hour and twenty-five minute trainwreck before you see a shark.

• The writing seems like it was done by a two-year-old. I've seen Asylum flicks that had better writing...

-The acting is medocre at the best of times, and painfully bad at its worst. Alicia Silverstone tries, but she tries way too hard and it leaves you wondering just WTF her agent was thinking.

This is a 0/10 film, but I can't go lower than 1 on IMDB.