jaybeetwr Reviews

Mortal Kombat (2021)

A major let-down

[3/10 · 23 June 2023]

They had the teaser trailers down right and they made me want to see this movie. Unfortunately, I had to live under lockdown with bad internet when this released.

The bottom line is that this movie was an out-right betrayal. The story was a mess, the entire roster had the charisma of your granny's garden gnomes and when people died (it's Mortal Kombat... so this isn't a spoiler) there's no reason to care.

Everyone "phoned it in" with terrible performances except for Hiroyuki Sanada (Hanzo / Scorpion). I think his performance was so much better because they probably filmed it separate from the rest of the movie and had a stand-in when he rejoins the story.

The special effects were surprisingly decent and I'll give a thumbs up for Kano for comic relief.

Oculus (2013)

Refreshing horror flick

[8/10 · 14 February 2023]

Horror has been a dying genre since the start of the 21st century. Technology is to blame for this. It's not film-making technology in most cases but communications tech. Every single horror movie since 2000 rolled in has to get around the fact that everyone has a cell phone and a camera attached to it. Even Fred Kruger would have a hard time staying undetectable with the amount of cameras floating around in the world today. Most horror flicks are now intentionally based in the 1970s and 80s because no one believing the victims is a staple of the genre. Oculus has found a way for suspenseful horror to exist in the 21st century.

Oculus is about a mirror. A posessed mirror. This mirror slowly erodes your sanity and makes you do things you had no idea you were doing. It consumes your life force and eventually, you.

After losing her parents to this mirror, Kaylie decides that she will prove to the world that the mirror is why her parents were dead and her brother in a mental institute for killing them. Kaylie returns to her house with the mirror and starts recording a documentary of how the mirror works. She invites her brother, freshly released from the mental institute, to help.

The movie starts out as a slow burn with a load of exposition and then quickly turns into a psychological thriller where no one is safe and are you actually in reality or are you in the mirror's grasp. The siblings spend the whole film jumping between the past and present trying to piece together what really happened all of those years ago.

Riddick (2013)

They still don't get Riddick

[4/10 · 13 February 2023]

After missing the mark that made Pitch Black such a fan favorite in the sequel: The Chronicles of Riddick, Vin Diesel is back in this self-titled reboot.

Having been excommunicated from the Necromongers and left injured on a hostile planet, Riddick finds himself in a similar situation - he's running out of time. The planet is full of voracious, poisonous creatures that are laying dormant in the sand and, when it rains they will all wake up. It's basically the same story as Pitch Black but instead of flying creatures that come in the night, it's walking creatures that come with the rain. In order to leave the planet he calls in some mercs to pick up on his bounty so he can steal their ship. It works right up until a blast from his past comes to collect.

Riddick (the character) was made popular for being a sort-of Darth Vader. He's a bad guy. No one knows where he's from, what he wants - he's just this thing you need to be afraid of. The interesting part of Pitch Black was how the survivors react to his presence and, even better, out of his presence but knowing he could be anywhere. His existence changes everything for them. Sadly, in this movie, he's a guy you'd invite over for a barbecue and play some horse shoes... talk about your kids soccer game. He's the good guy and we all know it.

Riddick is an okay movie, but misses the mark entirely on what made the original Pitch Black such a cult classic.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

The best of the lot

[5/10 · 13 February 2023]

Resident Evil: Apocalypse takes place immediately after the escape from the Red Queen in the previous movie. Alice wakes up on a medical bed attached to IV bags and electrodes - she's obviously been experimented on by the Umbrella Corp.

Alice finds herself in the abandoned streets of Racoon City as shown by the conveniently blowing newspapers that inform us the T virus infection made its way out of the mansion and there's an outbreak in Racoon city.

At the same time, Jill Valentine is preparing to leave the city. The conveniently placed newspaper clippings of her failed mission to alert the world of what Umbrella was doing in the mansion are shown. She is now a disgraced former S. T. A. R. S officer with a whole lot of "I told you so!" to be said for another day. Her escape is delayed indefinitely by the barriers Umbrella Corp has erected around the contaminated city.

The movie borrows heavily from the video games (RE: 1, 2, 3, and Code Veronica) which is why the low rating from myself and many other reviewers. As far as a stand-alone movie, it's just okay. If you align the game and movie timelines, Alice is treking through Racoon city around the time Leon and Claire are uncovering the G-Virus in RPD and where Jill (instead of Alice) should be be playing cat and mouse with Nemesis.

If you're a fan of the video games (or plan to play the old ones or the new remakes) and loved playing as Chris, Jill, Leon and Claire, you'll cringe as you watch Alice take credit for everything that they ever did in the games while the movie versions of your favorite characters (and villains) are sacrificed to prop Alice up as the undisputed champion of Racoon City.

Cube (1997)

Remember: It's allegory

[8/10 · 11 February 2023]

Several people are whisked away in the night, stripped, clothed and left in a maze. When they wake up, they find themselves in a 14x14x14 room, all six sides have small door that leads to another room just like the last except sometimes it is a different color and sometimes it is a death trap. Why are they in this maze? Who put them in there? What is the purpose? No one knows. Eventually the captives find one another. No one has met the other before but, united with the common goal of freedom, they continue to brave their way into the next room, looking for the exit.

Cube is a social commentary. The mixed reviews come from the fact that the entire premise is allegory for our society and not really a horror flick; though it is pretty suspenseful at times. Even 25 years later, the script mirrors our society perfectly.

Whats out there? Endless human stupidity... still.

Cube²: Hypercube (2002)

Misses the point of its predecessor

[3/10 · 9 February 2023]

Unlike its predecessor, Cube 2 actually went out of its way to insult its audience. There is no subtext, no social commentary, just exposition and gore. If the movie had a point to make, that point found itself on the cutting room floor.

The characters are one dimensional... which is funny considering the film's title. It becomes very obvious that they were just written in for the sole purpose of dying and not for adding anything tangible to the plot.

This movie can be skipped entirely in the trilogy. It doesn't answer any questions from the first movie, and it doesn't lead into the third installment as Cube Zero is a prequel.

Star Trek: Picard (2020–2023)

So the 2010s Star Trek movies are cannon...

[4/10 · 6 February 2023]

Like the title says - Chris Pine is the official Captain Kirk. It is cemented into Trek legacy by acknowledging the destruction of Romulus as cannon. Shatner and Nimoy's Kirk and Spock were wiped out of reality via time travel in that terrible Star Trek movie. Not only was the original trek completely erased from cannon, but now Picard never had a brother, a nephew, and his mother died young rather than as an old lady as shown in the TNG era.

Q is dead, the borg were neutered and made into a joke, Guinan was made into a joke, 7 of 9 is an emotional mess of rage, the Federation is small and petty and just when you thought Star Trek Discovery was the epitome of anti-trek... in comes Picard to destroy the foundation that made the brand so appealing.

I advise all to skip seasons 1 and 2 and try season 3 as a stand-alone this month (Feb 2023). I have high hopes seeing as the original crew are back for this one. Mistakes were made, perhaps they will be corrected this final season.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: All Good Things... (1994) Season 7, Episode 25

It's been 30 years and the final poker game still gets me.

[10/10 · 1 February 2023]

It's my opinion that Star Trek: TNG should be mandatory viewing in all High Schools. Nevermind learning about morally bankrupt characters in 400 year old plays written for a morally bankrupt audience. The writing, the subject matter, and the final result of Star Trek: TNG is far superior to Shakespeare's works and I think he'd agree if he was alive today. He'd be watching TNG and telling people to put his stuff to rest.

Star Trek: TNG is my favorite TV show of all time. My opinion is very much influenced by this final two-parter finale, but this finale could never have been what it became without the very talented cast, crew, and production team behind it all.

I recommend you watch the whole series whether you've seen already or not. The last 5 seasons more than make up for the so-so first two.

Baelin's Route: An Epic NPC Man Adventure (2021)

Amazing work by youtubers

[8/10 · 29 January 2023]

Viva la Dirt League (VLDL) has been on youtube for quite a while now. They started out making 3-5 minute shorts focusing on a single aspect of videogames; their most popular series being "Epic NPC Man" where they focus on Greg the Garlic Farmer as he deals with players and other NPCs in the game world of Azerim (Azeroth + Skyrim).

Not too long after, they made a short about looping NPCs starring none other than Baelin the Fisherman. He's a looping NPC that all gamers have seen before where he literally does one thing: walking his predestined path and telling everyone he meets that it's a nice day for fishing. Totally oblivious to anything that is happening, he continues to do this over and over to the annoyance of some.

Baelin became such a fan favorite that VLDL started a crowd funder to bankroll this short film where Baelin finds himself recruited by a terribly psychopathic player character to help him finish a quest. Baelin is compelled to follow this player and do his bidding, constantly taking him further off of his comfortable path. When Baelin comes in contact with the main quest NPCs (a captured girl) Baelin begins to change.

The story is amazing. They actually make you care about an NPC and give him a character growth curve (the wish of all NPCs, no doubt) regardless of the fact that he can only say his one-liner: "Mornin'! Nice day for fishing! Huh ha!" The combat scenes are expertly choreographed and the special effects are adequate for any Hollywood film with 10x the budget.

I recommend you watch this film and browse VLDL's past and present work. They are something very special in the youtube arena.

Star Trek: Discovery (2017–2024)

This is new-age Trek, and I don't like it.

[3/10 · 25 January 2023]

Thoughtful, intelligent, pragmatic; is how you would describe nearly every federation officer in the 1990s shows. However, not a single character in Discovery could be described as such. Not a single character in Discovery is likeable or relatable.

1990s Star Trek was a show about hope. Hope in that the human race would come together, solve war, poverty and ignorance through education and science and then make it humanity's sole mission to better one's self (which in turn betters humanity). Star Trek would take an idea, present it from multiple points of view, let the viewer make up their own mind about it and then the show would end and they'd be on to the next thing, possibly revisiting an old issue from a different angle at a later date.

Discovery is anti-trek. It's actually somehow incredibly narcissistic and doesn't lend itself well to the streaming format. They take a topic, beat you over the head with it for a whole season (or more) and then you realize that you just watched a dozen episodes and absolutely nothing happens. You conclude that had you watched the first and last episode of the season, you'd have missed nothing important.

If you don't somehow feel like you've been taken hostage after watching a few episodes, maybe you'll enjoy it?

3/10 because the special effects and some of the music are very good.

Firefly (2002–2003)

Yes, it was cancelled after 14 episodes

[9/10 · 22 January 2023]

This show came out at a time I had begun my boycott of cable TV. I kept an active subscription just for this show... only for this show. At a time where there was no more Star Trek (let's face it, Enterprise wasn't really Star Trek) I needed my sci-fi fix.

When it finally aired I set my VCR to record it and after a couple of weeks, they switched the time slot (without notice) and I missed three weeks trying to figure out when it was aired. Not only did they mess around with the air dates, but they showed the episodes in a non-sequential format. References to episodes not aired yet were in the episodes currently running. I was confused, dropped the show, and dropped cable TV for 20 years. If you note the year (2002/2003) you'll notice that this is one of those shows that were assassinated by greedy execs looking to produce more lucrative garbage reality shows and would kill a good show to free up a time slot.

Only through the magic of the internet and streaming services did I finally get to watch this gem of a show (having not remembering it at all). When I got to the last episode and spent an hour trying to find where the rest of it was, I was then reminded why network TV made me cancel my cable subscription.

20 years later, this show is still worth watching. There are no frivolous characters in this show. Even the side-characters are amazing and aren't there just to take up space. When you hit the last episode, have the movie 'Serenity' ready to play as it is the closest you'll ever get to a conclusion.

Shiny?

Being Human (2008–2013)

An interesting start, a troubled middle and an okay end

[7/10 · 22 January 2023]

A werewolf and a vampire, co-workers at a hospital, happen to also be roommates in a house that is haunted by a ghost that only they can see. It's a lot like Three's Company if it was written by Anne Rice.

The first ~dozen episodes are great. You'll sit there watching, trying to figure out where exactly this is all going while very entertained. The story dives into the immortal vampire's past, the newbie werewolf's future and the mystery behind why the ghost is dead and haunting their house. Eventually, like all character-based tv shows, the characters get stale and the plot needs to be changed in order to keep the audience. Just as the writers get back on track, The Hobbit trilogy happens and Aidan (the vampire) leaves the show... because yeah, Peter Jackson and the Hobbit!

With the trio broken up, they reboot the entire cast and you sit there, disappointed but still watching because you need to know how it all ends.

When you finish watching the series (and you will) you will probably come to the conclusion that the second story with the second trio was far better than the first and it was a shame that the writers had to spend so much time easing the audience into the drastic changes before moving ahead. What started out as a quirky little horror-drama turned into a cohesive final 10 or so episodes.

This was a great show under poor circumstances.

And now is the time to warn you against the American version of the show with the same name. Almost 100% of the time, when there is an American adaptation of a UK franchise, it's terrible. That's all I have to say about that.

Bones (2005–2017)

Good for a while, but then overstays its welcome.

[6/10 · 22 January 2023]

At first, I made fun of the show, partly due to the hilarity that the whole Buffy the Vampire Slayer universe was to any teenage guy. After watching a few shows, I found this show was a much better take on the whole crime soap opera than even CSI. It's witty, funny, and never loses the sense of urgency that all crime stories need.

The cast of characters (Booth, Bones, Hodgins, and Zach) had good chemistry. Angela is just kind of... there. The pseudo-science, detective work, and antics make the show a gem. There's rarely an episode that I wasn't impressed with, which may make you wonder at this point: why only 6 stars?

Well, 12 seasons is too long for a show like this. Eventually the background plot of the character's personal lives swaps priority over the main plot of "Hey guys... we have a murder to solve" and it then toes the line of soap opera.

Every show has a best-before date and at about season 7/8, the show gets pretty sour.