johnspringer-95440 Reviews

Pearl (2022)

Inconsistent Character Study of a Killer

[6/10 · 6 June 2024]

Mia Goth delivers an impressive but somewhat misguided performance as the title character in this origin story for the main antagonist of Ti West's X. The movie is reasonably entertaining and intermittently funny. The imagery is sometimes gross; but the movie is never scary or horrifying because it fails to provide a convincing explanation for Pearl's pathology. Goth switches from "aw shucks" naive to calculating to deranged. Is she a cunning psychopath motivated by narcissism, envy and rage? Or is she an otherwise decent person spiraling into psychotic delusions? She seems to be neither and both at any given moment. Properly explored, either option would be chilling; but muddling them together make for a frustratingly inconsistent character. She's unpredictable but she's not realistic enough to be compelling.

The Acolyte (2024– )

What A Streaming Pile of Content

[4/10 · 5 June 2024]

It's corporatized big-budget streaming content. No more, no less. The first two episodes looked pretty good and they decently recaptured the Star Wars aesthetic. Performances were generally fine; the writing was a bit lackluster but it wasn't so terrible as to be distracting most of the time. The whole thing was just bland and sterile. No excitement, no investment; just cardboard characters going through the motions while the visuals and score try to make you care.

So far it isn't the worst thing Disney has done to this once-beloved IP from either a lore or a story/production standpoint. But it also doesn't seem like it'll be good enough to win back apathetic former fans or reverse Star Wars' downward trend in perceived quality and cultural relevance.

When a Stranger Calls (2006)

Insultingly Awful

[2/10 · 4 June 2024]

This movie isn't just bad. It's an intentional middle finger in the eye of anyone who wasted hard-earned money and/or valuable time to watch this dreck. Evidently (according to the promotional materials) it's an attempt to extend the 23-minute prelude to a much better movie into a 90-minute feature. Mission accomplished, at least insofar as they stretched it to 90 minutes in which absolutely nothing interesting happens for the first 77 minutes. It's all padding and filler. The lead actress is atrocious, there are misdirections so lazy they don't even qualify as red herrings, and nothing makes any sense if you spend more than zero seconds thinking about it. A shameful attempt to profit from the title of a half-forgotten - and infinitely more competent - old school slasher. 2/10 since at least it doesn't compound it's awfulness with overt pandering, unlike the latest Black Christmas abomination.

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

Only For The Nostalgic

[5/10 · 3 June 2024]

I thoroughly enjoyed this movie when it came out, probably because I was the target demographic. At the time it helped define/solidify the "new wave" of teen horror that was kicked off by the Scream phenomenon: relatively well-developed protagonists and "realistic" antagonists, ie killers with explicable motivations who aren't supernatural and/or silent lumbering butchers.

In retrospect this movie has a certain campy charm but little else to recommend it. The mystery is underdeveloped. Of the four main protagonists two are good actors and two are not. The two good ones get killed off in the second act, meaning we have to spend the final third of the movie with a pair of wooden drips trying and failing to emote. Whereas the likes of Scream and (to a lesser extent) Urban Legend still hold up, this one is more of a nostalgic curiosity.

Urban Legend (1998)

Fun Throwback Slasher

[7/10 · 3 June 2024]

Of all the late 1990s slashers that tried to capitalize on the success of Scream this is probably the best of the lot. There's a similar tongue-in-cheek tone. This movie isn't a spoof or a parody but it's not taking itself entirely seriously either. The premise - a serial killer whose crimes are inspired by urban legends - provides a basis for some inventive PG-13 kills. It even gets in a meta reference to the genuine mid-1990s urban legend about the "Noxzema girl," Rebecca Gayheart, who has a supporting role here. It certainly isn't some masterpiece; but it's fun, affable and a good deal more clever than it has any right to be.

Se7en (1995)

Often Imitated, Never Duplicated

[7/10 · 3 June 2024]

Almost thirty years after it was released Se7en has been referenced, re-imanged and just plain ripped off to the point of parody. That's because it redefined a genre and set a template for the bleak, brutal serial killer thriller that persists to this day. But although there have been many imitators, the original remains far and away the best. Performances are excellent. David Fincher's direction stays just on the right side of the line between artsy plausibility and nihilistic hyperbole. The killer's plan, and the intensity of the final act, have yet to be equalled. I defy anyone watching this movie for the first time (without knowing spoilers) not to be on the edge of their seat and sick with anxiety over the final 20 minutes or so. Rightly regarded as a masterpiece. This is a 10/10 and I would've rated it as such, but I think Jonathan Doe would much prefer seven stars.

Tarot (I) (2024)

Formulaic and Boring

[3/10 · 3 June 2024]

Another cliched and low-effort PG-13 "horror" movie finds a group of college friends partying at a creepy Airbnb. That's where they find an ancient Ouaji board. Or was it a spell book? No wait, this time it was a tarot deck. They decide to use it despite the misgivings of the only character who knows the potential dangers. You know what happens next, since this movie follows the formula to the letter. This idea has been so overdone that The Cabin In The Woods mocked it a decade ago; but Hollywood just keeps churning out variations. The jump scares are tepid, the performances are stilted and the dialogue is predictably lazy.

Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie (2017)

Well, that was weird

[4/10 · 3 June 2024]

Given the opening scene you might get the impression that this is a middle chapter in a long-running comedic mystery series. But it's a standalone feature and if they were planning to make more it's pretty easy to see why they didn't.

I have to wonder whether putting "Netflix" in the title was subtle comedic acknowledgement of (intentional?) low quality. Regrdless there isn't enough comedy, subtle or otherwise, to make this more than occasionally mildly amusing. Conversely the movie's few attempts at intrigue and pathos are undercut by silly supporting characters and nonsensical situations. The lack of any mystery whatsoever seems to be setting up the premise as a wacky spoof in the mold of The Naked Gun but this movie lacks the necessary energy and commitment to zaniness. The end result is a bland mishmash of genres and ideas that never gets off the ground.

Godzilla Minus One (2023)

Compelling Characters Elevate a This GCI Monster Movie

[8/10 · 3 June 2024]

In the closing days of WWII a kamikazee pilot shirks his mission and returns home in disgrace. Meanwhile Godzilla is running around doing his typical Godzilla stuff, stomping buildings and sinking warships and whatnot. The effects are impressive given the relatively low budget, although they're not as good as in the recent Hollywood Godzilla movies. What are much better here, however, are the story and characters. The story is about more than just one man's shot at redemption and there's an interesting interplay between the celebration and indictment of militarism. You end up actually caring about the characters and it feels like there are actual stakes for them. It's overall a surprisingly satisfying movie in a genre that's usually just empty spectacle.

The Silencing (2020)

Frustratingly Inconsistent

[5/10 · 3 June 2024]

In remote Minnesota an ex-trapper runs a wildlife sanctuary to honor his missing daughter. But the sanctuary is also the hunting ground of a camoflaged serial killer. In the early going the movie does a good job of setting up a tense and brooding atmosphere, as well as characterizing its protagonists as hardened and grizzled. There are several intense, brief scenes of the killer and ex-trapper matching wits and skills. Unfortunately at about the midway point there's a character reversal that is surprising but also unearned and undercooked. From that point the movie spirals into increasing silliness to the point that very little in the latter half makes logical sense.

Colors of Evil: Red (2024)

Colors of Evil: Red (Herring)

[6/10 · 31 May 2024]

It's a nicely-crafted Polish serial killer thriller, similar in tone and premise to any number of relatively recent Scandi-noir procedurals. The pace is deliberate and it's used effectively to develop the characters; a particular victim and her family get lots of screen time but the movie doesn't get bogged down in pathos. There's nothing particularly surprising in the story but it's a well-executed take on a familiar formula with good performances, comprehensible character motivations and some deft flourishes. Overall this is nothing spectacular but it's a solid effort that hits the right notes and concludes in a satisfying way.

The Postcard Killings (2020)

Decent Serial Killer Procedural

[7/10 · 30 May 2024]

The Postcard Killings is a workmanlike serial killer procedural. There's nothing especially spectacular here but there's also nothing that's glaringly bad. It's not a mystery insofar as we know who's responsible for the killings from virtually the first scene despite an abortive red herring; but the movie still does a nice job of maintaining tension as various investigative agencies try to close the net. The characters and their motivations generally make sense, the killings are fittingly outlandish and the resolution is apt even if not surprising.

I have a pet peeve about the Hollywood trope of American law enforcement officers abroad being portrayed as pugnacious bull-in-a-china-shop jerks to their accommodating but incompetent foreign counterparts and this movie plays into that trope a bit. But it's a minor gripe. Overall this is a decent and somewhat underrated movie that hits all the expected beats with becoming entirely predictable.

Tires (2024–2025)

Refreshing Straightforward Comedy

[8/10 · 29 May 2024]

It's a blue collar version of The Office in which the goofy employees of a tire store get into all kinds of wacky shenanigans at work. It's a lot more lowbrow, outrageous and unrealistic than The Office but it's very funny in its own way. The small cast is affable and they play off each other well, particularly Steve Gerber as a well-meaning but incompetent manager as Shane Gillis as his lazy, insubordinate and domineering cousin/employee. There's nothing particularly original here but it's well done. Some of the gags will probably offend various sensibilities but the show doesn't have an obvious agenda beyond trying to make you laugh. It's refreshing.

Super 8 (2011)

A Lackluster Remix of Spielberg Classics

[5/10 · 28 May 2024]

Call it a homage if you want. This nostalgia-bait retrospective remixes the Steve Spielberg classics of the late 1970s and 1980s, including The Goonies, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, E. T., and Jaws. The look and feel of the movie, at least in the early going, successfully recapture Spielberg's classic style.

The problem is that Super 8 muddles its sources without much apparent thought or care. The result is a movie that doesn't seem to know what it wants to be other than an exercise in throwback window-dressing. The character interactions are inauthentic. The finale is contrived and inane.

Doctor Who (2023– )

Dr. What Even Is This?

[2/10 · 28 May 2024]

"Watch Dr. Who," they said. "It's a British institution," they said. Yeah well then it must be one of the bad British institutions, like pudding made of meat or quartering troops in someone's house.

I guess it's supposed to be a kid's show but the tone and subject matter are all over the place. There's a strange mix of goofy camp and self-seriousness. The best analogy I can make is if someone took one of scripts for the 1960s Batman television show and shot and scored it like a legitimate crime thriller.

Maybe things were different in the past but it's really difficult to believe this show supposedly has a devoted fanbase or widespread cultural relevance.

The Little Things (2021)

Grows Into an Interesting Thriller

[7/10 · 28 May 2024]

The first act of this serial killer procedural/thriller is pretty bad. It seems like the screenwriter was trying to characterize his mismatched cops as noirish laconic tough guys; but they're so laconic that there's a confusing disconnect between their words and actions. Rami Maleck, in particular, seems unsure about what his character is supposed to be. Since Maleck is great in other things I assume this was a problem of writing or direction. Regardless things improve considerably once Jared Leto's sinister suspect shows up and all the characters and their motivations become gradually more comprehensible. Like the best of its genre this movie poses some interesting questions without proffering easy answers.

The Clovehitch Killer (2018)

Uneven Character Study of a Psychopath

[6/10 · 28 May 2024]

The titular killer is closely modeled on Dennis Rader, the BTK killer, who led an ostensibly normal life as a family man and pillar of the community when he wasn't committing unspeakable acts of sadism and murder. There's no mystery and his identity is clear from the outset; but the movie still manages to sustain slow burning tension as it unravels his pathology and toys with just how far he'll go to keep his secrets. Unfortunately these chilling elements are ultimately undercut by the involvement of a couple of plucky teen amateur sleuths who try to take justice into their own hands. The finale ends up being contrived and reductive as a result.

The Dead Don't Die (2019)

A Bizarre Disappointment

[3/10 · 28 May 2024]

The best way to describe the premise of this movie is that it's the zombie version of Tim Burton's dud Mars Attacks! It's a smirking recreation of earnest genre films of yesteryear and it features an ensemble cast of A-listers who show up for extended cameos and are given very little to do. It's apparently supposed to be dark and dryly funny, although it never manages to be more than slighly amusing in a few scenes. It also takes a few stabs at fourth-wall-breaking absurdism but it's so ham-fisted and underutilized that it feels more like an afterthought than a coherent idea. By the time this movie sputtered to its finale without ever having gotten out of second gear I realized the only real joke in the whole production was on people like me who spent time and/or money to watch it.

IF (I) (2024)

Kind of A Mess

[3/10 · 22 May 2024]

Despite an A-list cast and a fun premise this movie is an incoherent disappointment. The tone is all over the place. It goes from dour to goofy to trying-too-hard-to-be-whimsical and back. The pacing is also inconsistent; and the entire middle third of the movie seems like padding to elongate a simple story. The big and very predicatble plot twist is basically Fight Club for kids, but without the dark humor or incisive commentary. There are parts of the movie that are colorful and kinetic but I doubt even young children will get much out of it because the story and characters are dull and unrelatable.

Malignant (I) (2021)

They Couldn't Decide Whether They Were Serious

[4/10 · 20 May 2024]

This movie has a goofy premise, ridiculous dialogue, stilted performances, a twist that's both bonkers and predictable, and cringe-so-hard-you'll-laugh action. It's a recipe for campy satire. But the direction, editing and score all seem genuinely earnest. Imagine if Evil Dead 2 or Pirhana 3D was directed and played as straight horror and you'll get a sense for this movie's bizarre tonal incongruity. If it was intended as satire then it's too deadpan for the audience to be in on the joke. If it was intended to be serious, and I suspect it was, then it's one of the most inept horror movies ever made.

Upgrade (2018)

Low Budget SciFi Action Done Well

[7/10 · 18 May 2024]

In a near future the quadriplegic survivor of an assault gets a chance at revenge when he receives a prototype spinal implant from a reclusive tech genius.

I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of this movie, especially considering the budget. The cinematography is good; the pace is brisk; and the script is efficient and often darkly funny without lapsing into camp. The bursts of action are intense and efficient. The premise and the concerns about abdicating responsibility to technology aren't especially original but they're used effectively. Overall a good find among the recent offerings that have popped up on Netflix.

Bodkin (2024– )

They couldn't stick the landing

[6/10 · 17 May 2024]

Bodkin focuses on a trio of clashing personalities who are investigating disappearances in rural Ireland for a podcast. The early episodes are engrossing and dryly funny, particularly in the contrast between reality and the stereotypical American perception of Ireland as an idyllic ancestral utopia. As the series progresses the tone becomes darker and the narrative fragments. It gets progressively less funny but it remains engrossing. And then there's the seventh and final episode, an unsatisfying disappointment that wraps everything up with a goofy setpiece, fails to provide closure on the fate of the most interesting character, and steals its denoument directly from B. J. Novak's Vengeance.

The Accountant (2016)

Distasteful

[5/10 · 16 May 2024]

Ben Affleck is a mathematics prodigy who freelances as an accountant for some of the world's most notorious criminal organizations. He also happens to be a highly skilled assassin. Then some bad stuff happens and yada, yada, yada, he's a one-man army out for justice, etc. All fine and dandy. It's got decent action, a good pace and some excellent supporting performances.

The problem is that Affleck's character is also supposed to be severely autistic. (He later says he has a high-functioning form of autism, but that's not what's depicted in flashbacks to his childhood.) The movie endorses the bizarre Hollywood trope of treating autism as some sort of intellectual superpower. (See also The Predator.) It also posits that autism is something one can control through, of all things, exposure therapy. It's not helped by Affleck's inconsistent performance. His character goes from having a flat affect and body language to being highly expressive from scene to scene, as if the manifestations of autism can be overcome through focus and/or exposure to particular stimuli.

I imagine the filmmakers had good intentions; but regardless the results are exploitative and distasteful.

Madame Web (2024)

My Mom Was In The Amazon Watching Madame Web Right Before She Died Of Boredom

[2/10 · 14 May 2024]

Yes, it's really that bad. I can't fault the cast because they had nothing with which to work. Otherwise every aspect of this movie is beneath contempt. The script, first and foremost, is atrocious. The plot is goofy and the dialogue is inane expositional tripe. The direction is awful too. There's a self-serious earnestness to everything that makes the dreadful dialogue even more grating. The action scenes look cheap and the action is tepid. It's also obvious they overdubbed the villian's dialogue and didn't even bother to try to match it with the actor's mouth. I guess by that point in production some sound editor figured the movie couldn't be any worse anyway and stopped trying. 2 stars because if this movie is very lucky it'll be a future so-bad-it's-good classic like Plan 9 From Outer Space or The Room.

Blue Velvet (1986)

This Couldn't Get Made Today ...

[8/10 · 13 May 2024]

... at least not by a Hollywood studio. It may be David Lynch's last movie with coherent, mostly linear narrative. Nearly 40 years later it's also still his most disturbing. It's a look at the nasty, teeming underbelly of the apple-pie-and-baseball facade of small town America. It's frank and casually brutal in its depictions of sadism, masochism and degeneracy. The images are disturbing and their implications even more so. Kyle McLaughlin and Laura Dern give stilted performances but I think that was intentional - as inhabitants of the manicured lawn facade there's something forced and unnatural about them. Meanwhile Dennis Hopper and Isabella Rosselini steal the show in the roles of people who have no illusions about who and what they are. Overall a disturbing but fascinating movie.