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Reviews
Shôgun (2024)
Oh Heck No
I was so excited when I heard about this. I remembered adoring the 1980 version so much that it spurred me to read the novel.
But oh my god. No, no, no, a thousands times no.
Talk about unfaithful to the novel! $!?!
RC was a great Blackthorne! CJ... not so much.
The relationship between Mariko and Blackthorne, as written by Clavell - the engine that drives the novel and makes it great - is faithfully represented in the 1980s version but completely bastardized in this dreadful remake. I was heartbroken when Mariko died in the original version; I felt absolutely nothing this time around - which pretty much says it all.
Last but not least... the 1980s version was filmed entirely in Japan. The remake? Filmed entirely in... British Columbia. #facepalm.
Testament: The Story of Moses (2024)
Mel Brooks Told It Better
"These 15... oy... 10... 10 Commandments for all to obey."
Quite a who's-who's of biblical scholars rounded up for this mockumentary...
Such as...
Tom Kang, Lead Pastor, Newstory Church
Who? What? Where? Huh?
Bishop Andy Lewter, Historian, Full Gospel Baptist Church Fellowship
Who? What? Where? C'mon now.
Rabbi Rachel Adelman, Associate Professor of Hebrew Bible, Hebrew College
Who? What? Where? Stop it already.
Dr. Peter Enns, Abram S. Clemens Professor of Biblical Studies, Eastern University
Who? What? Where? Am I on Candid Camera?
Rabbi Maurice Harris, Blogger, The Accidental Rabbi
Who? What? Where? Yahtzee!
... and so on, and so on...
Kudos to the producers. Why pay for top dollar talent when it's all make-believe anyway.
Homicide: New York (2024)
Lay vs. Lie
"I can't imagine laying there, hearing the shots go off and knowing that you're next."
- Ret. Detective Irma Rivera
(Oof. Embarrassing. 😳)
Overall, wayyy too slow to hold my interest. I kept cheating ahead with the internet.
I did however learn two things...
Wait... that was the member of Johnny's dance staff that appears in the black polka-dotted light blue dress in the final DD scene?!? No words. 😶
Philip Pilmar pleaded for leniency for his mother and uncle? SERIOUSLY?!?! Even after they were able to escape justice for two decades, no thanks to a very ditzy nanny. And now he refuses to have contact with his deceased father's side of the family?
You stay classy, Philip.
3 Body Problem (2024)
Enjoyed it until the 4th Episode...
... and then it lost me.
Perhaps I wasn't paying close enough attention through the first three episodes to see what lay ahead? Or perhaps it's not a faithful adaptation of the novel(s) and the showrunners were engaged in some dastardly tomfoolery? Or perhaps the author knew at some point we'd be on a camping trip and run out of kindling and didn't want to saddle us with endless regret?
Remember when Henry Winkler looked cool jumping a 🦈?
This show is a stark reminder that not everyone should attempt jumping 🦈 🦈 🦈.
Rosalind Chao was on M. A. S. H.?
Bears.
Beets.
Battlestar Galactica.
Michael...
The Walking Dead: The Ones Who Live (2024)
AMC Stacking the Deck... Again!
Look at that huge stack of 10s!
You have to hand it to AMC... they might not make a lot of great TV anymore, but gosh darn it are they excellent at manipulating ratings. Seriously, AMC, what is your secret? How do you do it? Is all the money you could be using to produce something above average being used to get people to artificially inflate the ratings of your shows? How much does a fake 10 cost these days? I haven't seen this kind of manipulation since the second half of the final season of Better Call Saul. It was terrible! But days before each episode would originally air hundreds of 10s came flooding in, yielding an absurd aggregate rating of 9.9+! And it would take months until the aggregate rating would drop to something that wasn't completely laughable. How dumb/gullible do you think we all are?
Do you guys really have skin that thin? Has your accounting department done a deep dive and realized conclusively that manipulation like this is financially lucrative?
It's insanely obnoxious and undeniably pathetic.
Just stop already.
Manhunt (2024)
Fire the casting director
Two words: Patton. Oswalt.
Don't get me wrong, I like Patton. I've enjoyed him in many things.
But the decision to include him in this has to be one of the most baffling casting decisions in the history of casting. I had no knowledge of the cast before watching the pilot episode and I honestly nearly fell out of my chair when Patton first appeared/spoke it was so incredibly jarring. I mean, it was such a showstopper - and not in a good way - I had to keep going just to see if by some turn of misfortune they had shot the whole series in reverse order and Patton's first appearance just happened to be the death knell to the sensibility of his casting. Nope; you just can't refrain from nearly losing all your hair while vigorously scratching your head every time he appears.
Oh, and the casting of Lincoln is pretty bad too.
Do they award a Raspberry for worst achievement in casting in a tv series/special? If they do this show has an absolute lock on it.
The Taking (2014)
I want that 90 minutes of my life back
I've honestly never been so annoyed by a movie in all my life.
Mia is annoying. Gavin is annoying. Luis is annoying.
Does the town have a shortage of lightbulbs or electricity? How is it possible that they constantly end up in places where the only source of light is a flashlight? Unbelievable and annoying.
Was this supposed to be scary or suspenseful? It wasn't. Just a bunch of endless whining, groaning, screaming, squabbling. . . Which of course was. . . Annoying.
A real documentary about Alzheimer's would have been more titillating.
I have to type 49 more characters to submit this review? Annoying.