helfeleather Reviews

The Substitute 3: Winner Takes All (1999 TV Movie)

Teaches a Valuable Lesson

[7/10 · 21 April 2006]

The Substitute trilogy adopts a noble cause. All three films endeavour to teach their audience the great value of violence. The technique is very subtle. The films begin with a school where it seems that humourless criminal thugs have taken control. They bully students and even the teachers, to the point of making their lives a living hell.

Substitute 3 sticks to the formula. That's where Treat Wiliams steps in, fresh from serving as an honourable mercenary on the good side, of course, in some war. (His salary is never mentioned. Perhaps he just does it for the satisfaction of knowing that he is killing bad people. I always feel satisfied when I kill bad people, so it would make sense.)

His problem is not the bad thugs in the school. He can smash them to a pulp with very little effort, and he takes every opportunity to do so. The trouble is that the pretty blond English professor isn't yet convinced that the solution to violence is more brutal violence. It's probably all those arty books she's read. Therefore Treat has to demonstrate by punching, kicking, knifing and shooting as many of the bad guys as possible.

I won't spoil the ending. You'll have to watch the film yourself to find out whether the prof sees how misguided she was.

Under the Gun (1987)

Sam Jones - Tough AND Sexy

[7/10 · 4 October 2003]

Man! That Sam Jones is amazing! Here, as Mike Braxton, he's a rogue cop who gets a call for help from his brother. When he responds, he finds that his brother is dead and his brother's girlfriend is shot right before his eyes. He gets drunk in the killer's bar, insults him, falls into a lawyer's car and assume that she wants him - square jaw, tight jeans and all. Too right! So they jump in her car again and try to escape from killers armed with an impressive arsenal. Let's hope he doesn't graze his knee or bruise that handsome face.

Coopersmith (1992 TV Movie)

C.D. Coopersmith

[8/10 · 24 June 2003]

What does C. D. stand for? A good question, which one of the characters asks early in the film. "Cool Dude" answers Grant Show with his killer smile, then laughs. Cool Dude fits, though, with Grant's motorbike, leather jacket and smooth talking.

It certainly doesn't stand for Credible Dialogue, Character Development or Clever Direction.

Out on the Edge (1989 TV Movie)

What happened to little Ricky?

[8/10 · 24 June 2003]

Ricky Schroder from The Champ has gone all tough on us. He's dropped the last syllable of his name for the much butcher "Rick", put on a heavy leather jacket, rides a motorbike and smokes cigarettes. To top it all off, he uses bad language and even managed to grow a bit of facial hair.

But just so that we know he's a good boy at heart, he wears white trousers, which is very impractical when you're riding a motorbike on dirt tracks.

Just One of the Girls (1993 Video)

Forget Alanis, Check Out Cameron

[10/10 · 2 June 2003]

The best thing about this movie is Cameron Bancroft and company playing a particularly nasty gang of oafish bullies who make Corey Haim's life hell. Cameron in his black leather jacket is that irresistible blend of sex appeal and menace that you get from few actors.

The Zoo Gang (1985)

Injustice

[7/10 · 14 May 2003]

This is the sad story of the Donnely brothers. They want to be accepted by their peers but they can't because of bourgeois prejudices. The local rich kids use their parents' money to convert a deserted warehouse into a club. The boys want to help out, but their poor single father can't spare any money. So the boys offer to work at the club. They even throw out a troublemaker to show their good intentions. However, the rich kids don't want them around. The boys are expelled from the club, teased about their clothes and hair, ostracised from the community and even assaulted.

High-Ballin' (1978)

A Lesson for the Ladies

[10/10 · 10 April 2003]

Women are referred to as "beavers", presumably because that's their most important asset. The heroine of this piece gets some foolish ideas that she can drive a truck, and live independently without taking orders from a man. In the end, of course, she learns that only men are capable of punching and killing each other, as well as women, and she accepts her rightful role. Heartwarming.

In My Sister's Shadow (1997 TV Movie)

Stretched Too Far

[7/10 · 11 January 2003]

I think this is meant to be realistic, but quite a few scenes just don't wash.

Laura leaves her bludging abusive partner Michael and goes to stay with her sister Joan. Michael can't cope with this, so he slips on his leather jacket, hops on his motorbike, moves to an abandoned amusement park and becomes a bad boy, harassing Laura and turning Joan against her own sister.

Clay Pigeons (1998)

Fanbloodytastic

[10/10 · 28 December 2002]

Man, this film is the sexiest thing we've seen in ages. Joaquin Phoenix and Vince Vaughn are sex on denim-clad legs as Clay the innocent scapegoat and Lester "the molester" Long. Watch this and drool to your heart's content.

American Strays (1996)

Sam Jones as the Exterminator

[10/10 · 28 December 2002]

He's a really nasty piece of work. This is His first encounter with Luke Perry's character, johnny, who is trying unsuccessfully to commit suicide, and answers a newspaper ad for the Exterminator.

Exterminator: The world is small, but God is great, to reunite Me with My little buddy from schooldays past.

johnny! Oh, you always hated to be called johnny, didn't you?

Well, johnny, what's the trouble? you've run into a bit of bad luck? And you need your old friend to help you out? I would just be tickled f***in' pink to help you out, johnny. And I'm gonna do it for nothin, My old friend.

[The Exterminator delivers several hard left punches to johnny's face.]

Just like old times, huh, johhny? I told ya.

[The Exterminator keeps punching. johnny's lip is bleeding. The Exterminator punches with more relish now. He is literally drooling with pleasure.]

I told ya. I told ya I'd fix everything.

Morgan's Ferry (2001 Video)

Lucky Kelly

[8/10 · 7 December 2002]

Kelly McGillis' house is invaded by three prison escapees. they lock her up, but she escapes. Instead of running to the police, she goes and works in the garden and decides to get to know the boys. Who can blame her? This is a sexy trio. Particularly raunchy is Henry Rollins

Made in U.S.A. (1987)

What?

[10/10 · 6 December 2002]

Adrian Pasdar and Chris Penn look hot in matching boots, jeans and black leather jackets. They go on a road trip, picking up nutter Lori Singer, a Navajo woman and a wounded wolf en route, as you would. Their trip to California turns into a crusade. They fight injustice and environmental degradation. By robbing convenience stores and stealing motor vehicles, of course.

Vicious! (1988)

Rich North Shore Wimp Takes On Tough Westies

[8/10 · 5 December 2002]

The bad boys in this film are fantastic - unshaven dirty jeans and flannelette shirts, and they love a bit od violence. This gets young Damon, in his pastel board shorts and t-shirt, freshly washed by Mum, even more excited than the girlie magazines under his bed, so he decides to join up with them. This starts off with a fair bit of homoerotic promise, and turns into a hetero joke. Pity.

Jackals (1986)

Simon vs. Simon

[10/10 · 5 December 2002]

SPOILER!!!!!! I can't believe it . Rick shoots A.J. dead. I know Jameson Parker is an annoying goody-goody, but that's a bit rough isn't it?

Ah well, with so many long-leggged blokes in blue jeans and cowboy boots, and Gerald McRaney playing a very sexy and very nasty villain, A.J.'s death isn't such a bad thing.

The Substitute 2: School's Out (1998 TV Movie)

Angel David

[10/10 · 18 November 2002]

What happened to him? He was very sexy in this film, decked out in shiny black nylon (I think) trousers and a black leather jacket. Very cool indeed. Pity Treat Williams hid all his sex appeal by wearing a tie.

Story was extremely predictable, that is, implausible. As usual, the solution to violence is more violence.

Wilding (1990)

Amazingly awful

[2/10 · 18 November 2002]

This story is so off, I'm surprised the video didn't smell. Wish it had, then I wouldn't have paid one whole Australian dollar for it.

The only redeeming feature is a couple of goodlooking gang members. Unfortunately their characters are so poorly written that they don't come across as real.

Astro Boy has more credibility than this tosh.

Dead End City (1988)

Dead Set Silly

[5/10 · 18 November 2002]

The start is promising, with a gang of violent bikers on a murderous rampage, but it soon deteriorates into a drawn-out showdown between the gang and the heroes: Jack and Brett, two trigger-happy mates who like to wear their jeans extra tight, their friend Nancy, and her brother Malcolm, who for good measure is blind.

So that we don't get bored (It doesn't work.), there's a couple of sub-plots thrown in. A government conspiracy, and a love story between Jack and an ostensibly hard-nosed reporter.

The Violent Men (1955)

Excellent Villains

[8/10 · 18 November 2002]

Brian Keith as Cole Wlikerson and Richard Jaeckel as Wade Matlock make excellent villains. They just love intimidating the locals in the most brutal way possible, and sneer sexily at any suggestion that there might be a more humane way to achieve their ends. It's a pity that goody-goody Glenn Ford gets in their way.

Live Flesh (1997)

Sex Appeal

[9/10 · 17 November 2002]

The young Victor is irresistible to Clara and Helena, and you can see why. This man is the sexiest thing I've seen on the screen in a long time. Great story, Almodovar style, a different perspective of Madrid, great acting, but Liberto Rabal stands out amongst all of it. Very tasty indeed.

Dead Giveaway (1995)

Sexy Sandy

[4/10 · 17 November 2002]

This is an incredibly SLOW movie, to the extent that it becomes painful. However, the one redeeming feature is the young stupid hitman with tight jeans, a muscle t-shirt and muscles to go with it. He alone makes it worth watching. His nemesis is also quite sexy. The hero is passable, but nowhere near as spunky as the villains.

The Stand (1994)

Nice start, but

[5/10 · 17 November 2002]

The concept was great, but all the religious preaching took over, and turned it into utter trash.

the redeeming features were (1) Stu Redman the stud (2) Ray, the nasty bully who picked on Rob Lowe and (3) the alarmingly homo-erotic relationship between Tommy and Nick. Nice touch.

Savage Nights (1992)

Sexy Samy

[10/10 · 17 November 2002]

Jean finds out that he's HIV positive, then meets a very desirable girl and a very desirable boy. He's not only wrecking his own life, but starts destroying theirs too. They fight over him and take stupid risks to show their love for him. very convincing performances, and an intriguing social study.

Carlos is impossibly sexy as the male love interest Samy, and, although I'm no judge, the woman Laura is also very attractive.

Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)

I Wanted Vanilla Twist

[10/10 · 15 November 2002]

She should have contented herself with regular vanilla. The ice cream scene was the highlight of the film. Before that, it was rather slow, and soon after that, the villains are just an endless stream of faceless shooting targets. I lost interest.

Bullies (1986)

Good Villains Wasted

[10/10 · 14 November 2002]

The Cullen boys are a nasty bunch. They take whatever they want from the local shops, dance with whoever they like at the local bar, beat their sister and blame it on one of the local boys. If anyone stands up to them, they know they're in for a taste of Cullen family attention, which is particularly brutal.

There are a few good scenes of intimidation, especially the treatment of Vern the mechanic, but somehow, they're just not made out to be as scary as they should be. Pity, because the actors were good at being bad when they were allowed to be.

Every Which Way But Loose (1978)

No Nonsense

[8/10 · 14 November 2002]

I love Clint in this. He doesn't pretend to moralise. He just likes punching guys as hard and as many times as he can. He knows he's good at it, and he knows the women love him for it.

There are a few too many villains. We could have done without the stupid bikies. The real villain, of course, is the country music singer. Nice touch, that.