chroberts-1 Reviews

Noise (I) (2023)

Not Great

[2/10 · 20 March 2023]

I wasn't going to review, but then I saw all these people raving about it and realized....if real people don't leave honest reviews, movies like this end up with inflated scores that make no sense.

This movie is a hot mess.

It attempts to carry off two parallel plots but it doesn't, really, do justice to either. The "twist" isn't actually a twist so much as a bait and switch kind of thing, where you're led to believe the big mystery is the main plot, and then toward the end you realize it was merely a device to illustrate the main characters deteriorating mental health. And, you also discover, the actual plot is something that's only been hinted at (main characters relationship with his father), which they're going to withhold a key detail on until the end.... I guess as some sort of weak explanation for the ninety minutes of SCREECHING crying baby and shenanigans you've endured.

Maybe it would have benefitted from some flashbacks, IDK. At the end of the day, it didn't do enough to make me care about any of the people involved....and it definitely didn't make me care enough that I wanted to do the work to figure out two thinly stretched together plots.

But, I mean, at least Ward Kerremans is fun to look at.

21 Days (I) (2014)

Quite Possibly The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Seen

[1/10 · 29 March 2022]

Quite possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Really really bad. Bad acting. Bad story. It's just a string of horror movie cliches strung together along with some borderline offensive trope about Native Americans. Sheesh. Awful.

The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia (2009)

It's a Good Documentary About a Bunch of Hypocrites

[8/10 · 22 March 2022]

It's a good documentary. It's well made. If you watch carefully, things are juxtaposed to make subtle points.

Here's the thing.....it should and it probably will make you mad. But, it's supposed to. Having said that I just need to rant a second. Hank Williams III singing about how the Whites "don't need nothing from nobody" while we're watching them talk about being on gov't assistance LIFE LONG and watching one of the girls go to rehab and you know perfectly well the state is paying for that....makes me want to punch something.

Do I have a problem with welfare or rehab? Actually, no. What I have a problem with is people glorifying this crap as "independence" when these people are 100% dependent on both the government and their addictions. They are the epitome of dependent!!

Then we have the semi-famous White saying, at the cemetary, that he doesn't understand why so many things go wrong in his family. Is it the sin? Is it demons? And I'm screaming, literally, at the TV "IT'S A DIRECT RESULT OF YOUR OWN *&^%$ ACTIONS".

Put all this up in front of the confederate flag and watch them raise the next generation to repeat the same stuff over and over all while Hank glorifies them in song and I'm ready to PUKE.

Feria: The Darkest Light (2022)

Very Frustrating

[3/10 · 4 February 2022]

This movie made me so frustrated I stopped watching it twice and skipped through most of the last few episodes only to get to the grim, disappointing, frustrating ending.

The Boonies (2016)

Is This a Parody?

[2/10 · 30 November 2021]

The cave guy spends all of episode 1 saving his belongings from flood, then spends the first five minutes of episode 2 denouncing materialism. OK. But....you just spent the entire last episode saving all your belongings you have scattered around the caves.

The boat guy, who says right off that there's a community on the island and "if they don't like you, they won't let you stay" (THAT'S telling, isn't it? It's not a big mental jump to figure out who they will and won't like) gets stranded on an uninhabited island.....and he has to radio (wait for it) OTHER PEOPLE for help.

Tree house guy is a joke. I disagree with the person who called his wife "obese" but yeah, it's pretty obvious these people aren't living a survivalist diet. He tells us they've done as many as 2 weeks without touching the ground. OK? But.....why? Does "off the grid" now also include a 24/7 game of "the floor is lava"? Then he gets mad that someone else has a tree house half a mile from his. I want to know.....is this his land? Whose land is it? State land? Hate to tell you this but it's not trespassing unless it's YOUR LAND.

And the drama. Oh, the drama. We have dramatic fade ins from scene, dramatic music, gravelly voiced narrator. And people contradicting themselves at every turn (I don't need a house....oh crap all my belongings are wet because I keep them in a cave.....also belongings are bad....and I live an independent lifestyle I don't need people.....just as soon as I'm finished radioing for help that is)

Barftastic.

The Evil Next Door (2020)

Loved it!

[9/10 · 21 October 2021]

I'm not sure if this movie is meant to be taken literally, or as a metaphor for the feelings the new stepmom is struggling with (think the Babadook).....but for me, it works either way.

This was scary! Not bloody, but psychologically scary.

I would have gone with a 10 but I am SO OVER the "man won't believe what his significant other is going through even though she's a sane, rational human being" trope.

Ending is lovely.

Within (2016)

Every. Cliche. In the Book.

[2/10 · 15 October 2021]

Dad doesn't believe anything taht's going on. Shockers.

Creepy neighbor who dresses like cousin Eddie and doesn't even TRY to be subtle.

Parents who don't look even remotely old enough to have a 17 / 18 year old kid.

Tired story line that's been done multiple times.

I gave it 2 stars only because the female leads were quite good. But the Dad and the creepy neighbor guy were TERRIBLE.

Every time the Dad opened his mouth it took me right out of the whole thing, it was so bad. Like, I'm actually angry at how awful this movie is.

White Bird in a Blizzard (2014)

Dreadful

[2/10 · 7 October 2021]

This....is so bad.

SO bad.

What is that accent Eva Green is using supposed to be? Why is she so wooden? Why does she sound so colloquial? Why is her hair so shiny? I just can't.

Also? You can't throw some vaguely 80's sounding music in and put some suspenders on a kid and tell me it's '88. I was a literal teenager in 1988. We didn't talk like that OR look like that. Sheesh. It's borderline insulting.

And holy crap did you really just straight up assign this girl a gay friend and a black friend like.....like you were checking off boxes? You barely even gave them personalities of their own, their lines are terrible, they're the most one dimensional characters I've ever seen. Forget borderline insulting, that one is downright actually insulting.

I gave it one star because I'm somewhat mildly interested in finding out where this awful woman and her terrible accent are.

What a mess this is.

The Devil's Doorway (2018)

I'm Really Mad At This Movie....

[10/10 · 22 September 2021]

.....because it was so good! I put on bad horror movies while I'm working, during the day, for background noise. Couldn't get a thing done with this one on, it just kept sucking me in until I had to give up and watch it.

I was afraid it was going to make light of the Magdalene laundries, which, by all accounts were horrific -- but it did just the opposite.

Great, underrated movie.

The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell (2018)

Too Fake

[4/10 · 2 September 2021]

OK, so I've read other reviews. I understand it's not a cooking show, which is fine. My dislike doesn't stem from that.

Here's the thing, this show is so afraid to be real. That's WHY she's so dreadfully wooden. Only the puppets are allowed to have personality. Everything else is neat, dainty, and stylish to the max. And so very very edited. This show is like when the class honor student and resident perfectionist tries to seem edgy. I'd love to see her spill something on one of those little dresses, and have a genuine reaction. Or, really, do anything real.

What Lies Below (2020)

Couldn't Make Myself Finish

[1/10 · 5 April 2021]

I saw another reviewer give it an extra point for the eye candy and, lady or sir, I'm with ya but....said "eye candy" came in the form of SUCH a terrible actor that I, myself, couldn't do it.

It was just bad, bad, bad. I know Mena Suvari can do better. What a waste.

The House on Pine Street (2015)

Frustrating

[3/10 · 2 September 2020]

I swear, some day I'm going to write a script for a horror movie where the significant other actually believes, listens to, and respects the person who is clearly being terrified by something. This movie is exhausting and frustrating.

Jack Goes Home (2016)

I couldn't finish it

[1/10 · 10 August 2020]

The acting is horrific, the dialog is so stilted and stupid I couldn't get past the first 15 minutes.

Welcome to Plathville (2019– )

Can We Stop Glorifying These Kinds Of People Yet?

[1/10 · 8 July 2020]

Please? Can we stop glorifying extremism in our society? The real evil isn't being Christian or atheist or black or white the real evil we are facing right now is being EXTREME in whatever your beliefs, and this is nothing more than more pandering and glorification of religious extremists. Stop, already.

Blow the Man Down (2019)

Better than average but not great

[7/10 · 26 May 2020]

Probably this is more relatable for small town north eastern women -- speaking as one -- I recognized certain elements of understated strength and communication styles in it that made it more enjoyable for me. I'm not saying you have to be from a small town or the north east to relate to it, or that urban and southern women aren't strong. I'm saying there's a distinctive, regional tone in this movie, and it's nailed well enough that it may be hard for people from other areas to relate to. And, I'm also saying.....that element of nostalgia is why I gave it 7 instead of the 5 it really deserves, because..........the story itself was confusing and unsatisfying, the singing was cringe-worthy at times, and the ending was really frustrating. We're meant to infer a lot -- too much IMO -- and I'm really over this trend of leaving things open ended. Real life is open ended enough for me, TYVM, I like to have a sense of closure after watching a movie.

Darkness Rising (2017)

Hilarious!

[2/10 · 9 November 2017]

Hilarious! A work of comedic genius! You'll laugh out loud! Wait....what? This is supposed to be a horror movie? Oh. Well. Uh....yeah. This is a terrible horror movie, but the awful acting and nonsensical circumstances will probably make you laugh so....it's got that going for it, which is nice. (gunga-gunga-gulanga)

Creep (I) (2014)

**Spoilers***Major Spoiler***Seriously**

[7/10 · 3 November 2017]

This movie isn't bad but I have just got to say, GOT TO SAY: *****SPOILER****** HOW the h*** does one not hear or sense someone creeping up behind them like that, so SLOWLY, out in the silence of nature, alone?! Crazy. I mean, c'mon, the way he whipped that trench coat aside to get the axe out?? Those suckers FLAP. And if you were sitting there, waiting for a visit from an obvious psycho, why would you sit with your back unguarded like that and how would you not be hyper aware of EVERY sound? ****SPOILER DONE**** I liked the movie, don't get me wrong, but that was lame.

Apartment 1303 3D (2012)

Good For A Laugh

[1/10 · 11 October 2017]

Seriously. Get some friends together, drink some wine, put this one and have a snark fest.....that's about all it's good for. IMDb says I need 5 lines to post so I suppose I'll elaborate.....I really can't think of a decent thing to say about this craptacular movie so I'll make a party recommendation: nachos. Serve nachos. Nachos are good with wine and everyone loves them. There ya go.

The Disappointments Room (2016)

It's Been Done Better

[4/10 · 4 May 2017]

I had high hopes for the first half of this movie, but it just falls into a jumble in the last half. So many unanswered questions; a random kite, a random carpenter,etc..

If you want to see a classic with a similar story line, but done much, much better, check out The Changeling, bone chilling Canadian movie from 1980 with George C Scott. Don't be fooled by it's age, it's scary. You can even see it on youtube for free: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVttK509_JI .....it's basically everything this movie is trying to be except....you know, it makes sense.

Housebound (2014)

Great Little Movie - Just Drop Your Preconceived Notions At the Door

[10/10 · 28 March 2017]

This is a great little movie, but you have to accept it for what it is: it's quirky, it's British comedy, and it's also a murder mystery with a smattering of paranormal worked in.

If you go into it expecting either a traditional horror film or a traditional comedy, you won't like it. Just sit back, open your mind, and let it pleasantly surprise you. (Yes, it's a little campy here and there, but that's part of the fun)

Dream House (2011)

Good Movie

[10/10 · 27 March 2017]

I thought this was a really good movie, but I didn't really have any expectations going in, of it being a horror movie, so maybe that's the difference. This is a murder mystery and psychological thriller, and if you watch it as such, it's really quite good. Not sure what all the bad reviews are about, but that's my take on it.