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myftiu71
Reviews
Secret Window (2004)
No, you did not see the ending coming
Having just seen Secret Window, which by the way is an excellent film, I would like to call out all the self-proclaimed know-it-alls who have said here that they saw the ending coming from the beginning of the movie. Stop padding your own ego. It's OK to be taken by surprise by a movie's ending. You don't have to fool yourself anymore.
As far as the movie goes: Great acting all around, very creepy atmosphere and storyline and an overall great film. I know most Stephen King adaptations are garbage. This is not one of them. This is an exception ... not nearly as good as The Shining, but still a high quality film.
Don't listen to the haters. Watch this movie. You'll enjoy it.
Ultimo tango a Parigi (1972)
I loathed every character in this film
After hearing for so many years about this film's reputation as an "art house classic," I decided to check it out.
After watching it, I'm wondering how anyone can consider this a classic. Sure, it looks good so I can give Bertolucci some credit. But everything else is horrid.
1. Characters .... I hated every single one of the main characters. The boyfriend was an annoying, pretentious wannabe filmmaker who ruined every scene he was in. The woman was a pouty, annoying brat who was all mopey about nothing the entire film. I felt no sympathy for her, as there was no reason to. And Brando's character had a few good scenes, but his character was all about shock value, which made me not really care what happened to him.
2. The dialogue ... horrid. The attempt to be shocking by having Brando explain to the woman how he wanted her to smell pig flatulence backfired. It was just damn silly, and boring. Same goes for all his other allegedly brilliant soliloquoys in the apartment. (You want me to put my fingers where?) Anyone who thinks this performance was better than his portrayal of Vito Corleone is smoking some good stuff.
3. The plot ... there is none. And you can only get away with that if the performances are excellent. That's not the case here.
Brando's done some great stuff ... this was just a bad stop on the road for him. I've got nothing against art-house films, but just like 90 percent of Hollywood movies are garbage ... 90 percent of art-house films are garbage.
Last Tango is one of them.
Thirteen (2003)
All that hype ... and it's just overacted trash
I heard so many good things about this movie that I was prepared for a stunning film from an acting, directorial and overall emotional standpoint when I put it in my DVD player.
When I pulled the DVD out, I wondered what the people who were praising this film had been smoking.
Where to begin.
1. The acting (or should I say overacting) I've heard people praising the lead girl as if she was the next big thing. They must have been watching another movie. She was horrible. Some scenes were so bad I was praying they would end quickly. And her whore friend was nothing special either. They played annoying teenagers well, but guess what... they are annoying teenagers so I doubt much acting ability was needed. Even Holly Hunter was pretty bad in this movie. And The big emotional scenes were so overdone they fell flat.
2. The characters Why exactly are we supposed to care about these people? The main character is all sad cause her parents are divorced. Guess what, kid? Half of America is divorced. Deal with it. It's no reason to cut your wrists so I really have no sympathy for you. Hell, about half way through the movie I was hoping she'd kill herself so I didn't have to hear her ridiculous histrionics anymore. And the other girl was just a lying whore who no one in their right mind would have sympathy for. Honestly the only character I sympathized with was the father, cause he got a real bad rap even though he was just trying to work to earn money to give to his family.
3. It was written by a 15-year-old and it shows. The dialogue was atrocious. Not even a million rewrites could have saved it.
4. The directing was amateurish at best. Sundance judges must've had very little to choose from, either that or they were paid off.
5. This is supposed to be a realistic movie from what I hear ... yeah right
I'm aware that kids do things they're not supposed to. Hell, I got drunk for the first time when I was 12. But I didn't make it a lifestyle because, well, it just didn't fit into the schedule in my preteen years ... considering I had parents who kept an eye on me. What kind of parent allows their kid to go out whoring with a bunch of gangsters all night without even a punishment for it. Frankly the concept is absurd. And if people like that do exist (unfortunately they do, hopefully in small numbers), their kids should be put into foster homes cause it's a shame and completely unfair to the kid. You would think that after the third or fourth time her daughter came home in the middle of the night wasted her mom might have at least grounded her. Not in this "realistic" movie.
I'm aware that movies aren't always realistic (that's the point, actually), but that's what they're trying to sell this tripe as and I'm just calling them out on it.
Mac and Me (1988)
Why do the aliens look like disfigured sock puppets?
Horrible, horrible, horrible.
I caught the second half of this movie on cable just now and my only thoughts (other than whether my brain is still functional) are about the horrible job the alien makers did. They wanted another "E.T", but obviously couldn't copy a cute alien like E.T. ... so my guess is they went the complete opposite direction and made them as freakishly ugly as possible. I couldn't even look at them with a straight face, especially the tall guy (daddy alien?)
Besides all that, it was pure garbage. I knew that when I was 10, and avoided seeing it on purpose. Now that I'm much older and have seen the abomination with my own eyes, I'm glad I made that decision as a child ... it would probably have stunted my growth.
I just thank God that I missed the often-mentioned McDonald's dance sequence. Seeing that might just bring me to the point of contemplating suicide.
Don't watch this movie ... ever.
Trust me.
Shakes the Clown (1991)
God Bless the twisted mind of Bobcat Goldthwait
This movie has it all. Alcoholic clowns. Aunt Esther. Mrs Brady as a clown whore. Kathy Griffin.
And all for only $1.4 million.
And the best line exchange ever: Owen Cheese: "Hey, you clowns are on dope!" Binky: "You didn't see nothin', you saw five clowns eating a big plate of beef .. white powdery beef."
And it features Adam Sandler in his best role, meaning he's better than all he is in all the crappy movies he made after it.
A true classic.
Minority Report (2002)
I'm blind, but it's good
Loved the movie, though it was a bit predictable. Special EFX great as usual with Spielberg. The only thing that bothered me was the tint of the film. The often blaringly bright background was blinding me at times.
But it's still a great film.
The Sex Monster (1999)
Best movie I've seen on late-night cable in years
"The Sex Monster" is a witty sex romp (naturally) that excels in its humor. And unlike some reviews have said, it's not just some male fantasy. In fact, all the males in the movie are made out to look like idiots, especially the lead character -- who finds that his wife "Likes p**** more than he does" after a menage a trois. Acting is great all around, and there are so many beautiful women in the film it is mind boggling. Women should enjoy it too, as it shows how men's fantasies can backfire on them and laughs a lot at men's ideas about women and lesbians.
No gratutiutous sex, just a LOT of innuendo. Fun for the whole (adult) family. 8/10
Dog Park (1998)
Cheezy, but good
I'm not normally a fan of romantic comedies, actually I despise most of them (especially if they involve Tom Hanks and/or Meg Ryan)...
But I really liked this movie ... the fact that I'm a big dog fan helps, but the storyline was pretty good too ... I actually cared about some of the characters and the acting wasn't bad at all ...
And it was funny at times ... a trait not shared by most romantic comedies...
One thing that did annoy me a little was that it's completely unbelievable that a plain guy like Andy would be getting so much action (Cheryl, Lorna and the nutritionist all wanted him at some point of the film ... yeah, that really happens), but it is a movie and thus not supposed to be very realistic. So I'll let it slide.
Call me a sap, but "Dog Park" is a winner in my book ...
Titanic (1997)
What's the big deal? ... and I hate Celine Dion
OK I guess, but nothing special.
And I automatically have to lean toward not liking it because the melody from that damn Celine Dion song was playing in the background at various speeds FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE ... I wanted to strangle someone by the time the movie was half over. There has to be some other melody you can play once in a while. Scary thing is, I think it won an Oscar for best score ... which makes no sense since there's only one song in it over and over...
Regardless, it's very overhyped and I could think of many other ways to spend 3+ hours of my time that are much more worthwhile.
The Ring (2002)
Excellent movie ... but intensely terrifying?? I think not.
I just saw "The Ring" and I loved it ... the video itself was extremely disturbing as were several other scenes. And the overall atmosphere was extremely creepy, mostly due to the use of music and sound effects. But the film is nowhere near "intensely terrifying" or "the best horror film ever." I'd give it an 8, but there are many horror films that are much better ("The Shining," "Jacob's Ladder,"The Exorcist" "Last House on the Left") Who know's, maybe I've just seen too many horror movies to really be scared anymore. I just wasn't completely terrified. It's an excellent film, but not all it's hyped up to be. Maybe all that hype is what left me a little disappointed at the end. All I know is that I won't be scared everytime the phone rings or the TV shows static, like someone I know told me they were when they went home after seeing the movie. And by the way, to clear up another misconception, "Blair Witch Project" was not scary.
Dahmer (2002)
The worst movie ever made ... honestly
Prior to watching "Dahmer," I thought no movie could be worse than "Freddy Got Fingered." I was wrong. To sum "Dahmer" up, it's a story about a gay serial killer which features almost no killing and almost entirely consists of Dahmer's encounters with gay men before they were killed. There is no plot to be found, and it serves no purpose as far as telling us anything about "Dahmer." All you'll learn about Dahmer from watching this movie is that he liked to have sex with men. Horrible acting, horrible directing, horrible writing, horrible everything... If you have to choose between watching "Dahmer" and projectile vomiting for three hours, go with the vomiting .... it wll be less painful.....
Paths of Glory (1957)
Brilliant ... Early glimpse of Kubrick's genius
WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILERS BELOW "POG," in my humble opinion, is the greatest war film ever made. Beautifully made under Kubrick's direction
Great writing, Brilliant acting ... The batlle sequence is one of my favorites scenes in movie history. And the closing scene with the German girl singing (Christiane Kubrick, then
Suzanne Christian) still brings tears to my eyes ...
One of Kubrick's best, just behind 2001 and Dr. Strangelove (BUT NOT TOO
FAR BEHIND ..... THEY"RE ALL SO GOOD!!!!)
Dahmer (2002)
The worst movie ever made ... honestly
Prior to watching "Dahmer," I thought no movie could be worse than "Freddy Got Fingered." I was wrong. To sum "Dahmer" up, it's a story about a gay serial killer which features almost no killing and almost entirely consists of Dahmer's encounters with gay men before they were killed. There is no plot to be found, and it serves no purpose as far as telling us anything about "Dahmer." All you'll learn about Dahmer from watching this movie is that he liked to have sex with men. Horrible acting, horrible directing, horrible writing, horrible everything... If you have to choose between watching "Dahmer" and projectile vomiting for three hours, go with the vomiting .... it wll be less painful.....