MoronUnited Reviews

Battle of Los Angeles (2011 Video)

A True Saturday Night Treat

[10/10 · 13 March 2011]

Syfy and The Asylum's latest joint-production brings forth everything you could ever ask for in a great B-movie flick, from the hilarious effects to the wonderfully campy acting. The plethora of negative reviews on IMDb for this great flick truly shows what is wrong with the overly-serious movie-going public nowadays.

Battle of Los Angeles is pure enjoyment from start to finish, a thrill-ride like no-other. Combining effective aspects of past Asylum flicks, Battle of Los Angeles takes the Hollywood film it is based off of and runs wild, creating something that is incredibly imaginative and is not afraid to have fun. Similar to The Asylum's take on Sherlock Holmes, it doesn't rip-off the subject matter, rather taking the original film and infusing the serious script with over-the-top twists and turns.

Kel Mitchell is perfect as the soldier who, well, runs around and kills aliens. No back-story is provided since no back-story is needed in a flick where all we want to see is mindless action. Nia Peeples is also amazing as the eye-patch rocking, katana wielding ninja-assassin who takes out flying cyborgs with her blade. Yes, she slashes flying cyborgs WITH A KATANA. What more could you ask for? Robert Pike Daniel also turns out a hilarious performance as the maniac commander who stands out in the wide-open, shooting at incoming alien aircraft with a pistol. Just awesome. And I don't know who the guy was who rode down the railings on a perfect split, but it's hardcore.

For a turn-your-brain-off, mindless action flick, The Asylum delivers the goods with Battle of Los Angeles. From slow-motion shots to CGI extraterrestrial air-battles to the excessive amounts of running from explosions shots, there's plenty to keep viewers laughing. It's sufficiently cheesy and goofy while being made by enough passionate creators to make it well-worth the Saturday evening. The Asylum truly understands what makes these Saturday-night flicks so enjoyable and attractive, embracing the very nature of what these movies are all about. The actors ham it up, the effects are wonderfully inept, and the story is non-existent, but it all adds up to a great time. Sit back, have a few laughs, and enjoy.

Tron: Legacy (2010)

An Unbelievable Sequel to an Unbelievable Classic

[10/10 · 15 December 2010]

Yes, Tron: Legacy is not only an absolutely incredible movie, but it truly is one of the greatest cinematic experiences to ever exist.

When the Tron sequel rumors were finally starting to take flight, I was absolutely ecstatic. I am a Tron freak, and getting a sequel when all hope was pretty much lost was far more than I could handle. Everything that was being said was incredible and it was overwhelmingly positive. As we approached the release date, it started becoming more and more apparent that the task was too great and that nobody could honestly pull off a sequel that deserves to be called a sequel to Tron. I was wrong. I was dead wrong. I was dead ****ing wrong, and the fact that I can say that makes me happier than you can even imagine.

The storyline is a tribute to the die-hards, an absolutely brilliantly crafted blend of old and new. The acting is fantastic, and seeing Jeff Bridges and Bruce Boxleitner in a new Tron movie is simply surreal, not to mention Olivia WIlde and Garret Hedlund are unbelievable. The score is not entirely orchestral anymore, but who cares since the Daft Punk score is shockingly effective and submersive. The visuals take Tron to a whole new level, and while they don't hold the same charm as the original, they are impressive in an entirely new way. Where Tron invented the wheel, Tron Legacy reinvents the earth the wheel turns on. To be stunned at computer visuals in a time where I am completely sick of the stuff is amazing, and Tron Legacy absolutely delivers.

Flynn's Arcade has been reconstructed to the point where each floor tile is in the exact right place, and, and.....it's just absolutely brilliant. It looks like a Tron movie, it feels like a Tron movie, and it absolutely deserves to be called a Tron movie. The only possible complaints I have are that Jeff Bridges' CGI face looks amazingly creepy but I understand there was no possible way around that, and no inclusion of Only Solutions. It's basically the theme song to Tron, and it's not there.......anywhere. At least Separate Ways is in there, so I shall forgive.

In short, Tron Legacy is more fan-service than any fan could have ever asked or dreamed for. It's a stunning production in absolutely every shape and form, and I am going to shut up now and bask in the glory that is one of the most satisfying sequels ever made.

Icarus (I) (2010)

A Hard-Hitting Homage To The 80's

[9/10 · 21 October 2010]

With a name like "Dolph Lundgren is The Killing Machine," the chance that the following movie is going to be an exciting action-fueled bullet fest is essentially guaranteed. Originally unveiled as "Icarus" late last year, Dolph Lundgren's newest DVD offering is obviously fueling off his success with The Expendables, and for good reason. Dolph is one of the few classic style action stars left, and to see them continuing to make quality films is exciting. "Dolph Lundgren is The Killing Machine" is an testosterone-infused homage to the beloved action flicks of the 80's, crafted with enough care and finesse to satisfy even the most jaded fans of the genre.

Dolph Lundgren plays Icarus, a KGB-trained assassin that is struggling to balance his work life with his family life. After being betrayed by the Russian Mob, Icarus is forced to stage a one-man showdown against his betrayers, all the while piecing together the mystery of who turned him in. Back on the home-front, his ex-wife still thinks that Icarus is really just an investment broker named Eddie that has been neglecting time with their young daughter. In most cases, trying to infuse a family conflict into an action-packed movie wouldn't necessarily work that well, but the script is strong enough to support both the drama and action sides of the story simultaneously. The writing is shockingly effective and the characters oddly believable for a straight-to-video action flick, all working together to create a story that viewers can relate to and connect with.

Another surprising aspect of the production is how well the actors portray their characters. Besides Dolph Lundgren and Bo Svenson (Known for supporting roles in lower-budget 80's action films), the cast is made of relatively unknown actors, almost all of which turn in great performances. Dolph Lundgren is fantastic in his double role as the gentle giant and the brutal assassin, Stefanie Von Pfetten portrays Icarus' wife in a very believable fashion, and Bo Svenson is superb as always as Icarus' acquaintance from the past.

Where the movie really shines, however, is in the well-choreographed and expertly shot action sequences. Dolph Lundgren showcases his superb directing skills by showcasing each of the film's many action sequences in unique and brutal ways. The kicks are swift and the punches have impact, to the point where when a baddie gets thrown through a window pane, audiences can really connect with the mayhem happening on-screen. Considering how action films are utilizing more and more abrupt cuts and trick photography presently, it's refreshing to see a movie like this that just cuts the crap and focuses on the brutality.

"Dolph Lundgren is The Killing Machine" targets a very specific audience, but fans of the lost 80's action genre will be rather entertained by Dolph's latest offering. It's an homage to tough and brutal action films of the past, filmed by a man that truly knows what fans are clamoring for and knows how to deliver. Smooth dialogue, believable acting, and excellent choreography all blend together to create an experience that is both familiar and refreshing. Hopefully with some support, films like this can continue to find audiences that appreciate the hard-work and allow the genre to grow for decades to come.

The Expendables (2010)

There's still some gas in the tank

[10/10 · 12 August 2010]

To put it bluntly, this is greatest action movie in ages. Sly has crafted a movie that is a perfect blend of story, comedy, and action that work together to keep the viewers locked in for the ride. It's a kind of action movie that has not been seen in decades, in that it's not about cramming explosions into a 90 minute block, rather telling an exciting story that involves characters you care about. The story is gripping and moving, the comedy is spot-on and releases tension, and the action, well....

When you buy a ticket to The Expendables, you are essentially paying to have your balls thrown into a blender. People are literally blown in half with rocket launchers, limbs and heads fly everywhere, and bullets fly across the screen in unfathomable quantities.

Sylvester Stallone is a living legend and seeing him in an 80's style action flick is is a real treat. Dolph Lundgren is absolutely fantastic and this movie proves he should bring his straight-to-video action releases to the big screen. Jet Li's swift kicks and beautiful fighting techniques are stunning and Jason Statham shows that he truly is among the last remaining classic-style action stars. Steve Austin, Randy Coture, Terry Crews......all turn in great performances as well. And got to mention, the Stallone/Willis/Schwarzenegger scene? It delivers.

Wrap all this up and you get an action movie that is so 80's that it hurts. The movie flows perfectly, the action hits harder than anything out there today, and the characters are all well developed. By far the most satisfying movie in ages, The Expendables is the return of a genre lost in time, and I couldn't be happier.

Gamer (2009)

My Brain Has Been Splattered Into Next Tuesday

[9/10 · 4 September 2009]

Leaving the theater after seeing Gamer, I truly felt as if my brain had been tossed into a meat grinder. Neveldine and Taylor, the directing team behind the Crank series is back again with an action movie that only further shows that this directing duo are the supreme rulers of the 21st century action genre. Dear god, this movie is just..........holy mother of.........indescribable. How can mere mortal words explain just how amazing this movie is? Gerard Butler plays Kable, a death row inmate wrapped up in a cruel game that has captivated the minds of the entire human race. Convicted death row inmates are given a choice in this depiction of a not-so-far-off earth future: rot in jail or take part in a game in which you must fight your way through thirty rounds of mayhem to be set free. But there's a catch.....when you are in a match, a gamer has complete control of your physical movements. It's an interesting plot that is thrown out the window in favor of massive gunfights and explosions. Seriously, watching this movie is an absolutely insane experience from start to finish; a fulfilling movie for the mind and soul.

Gamer is the movie that Michael Bay has tried for over a decade to make, and has failed miserably each and every time. Neveldine and Taylor just know exactly what action fans want to see and have succeeded in reviving the dead action genre three time out of their three directing attempts. The action scenes in this movie are simply stunning in every sense of the word. Cars do barrel rolls through the air while engulfed in flames, body parts are mangled, human corpses are thrown across the screen like rag-dolls.......it's truly a spectacle to behold. The constant action pulls viewers in thanks to being coupled with great effects and a hardcore musical score.

Another great aspect of the film is the cinematography, which is nothing short of genius. Normally, shaking the camera this violently only helps to hammer in the nails on a movie's coffin, but here, it is done so well and with such brilliant direction that it enhances the tense feelings given off throughout the movie. Sure, there is the occasional obvious green screen effect, but that's all part of the fun that Neveldine and Taylor are known for with their Crank series, which Gamer takes quite a few notes from.

Random cameos are in no short supply either in Gamer, but it's many lesser known stars such as James Roday and Maggie Lawson from Psych and Milo Ventimiglia from Heroes. Even John Leguizamo has an important role in the movie in which he performs very naturally. As far as the supporting cast is considered, Michael C. Hall and Kyra Sedgwick are both phenomenal, and despite them seeming to be odd choices for a movie such as this, the casting decisions were nothing short of excellent.

What can I possibly say that will assure that you go see Gamer in the theaters? Seriously, if you are looking for an action movie in a time when action movies tend to suck, look no further than Neveldine and Taylor's latest action masterpiece. It's an electrifying and explosive flick that is pervasively loud and violent, and that's all we action fans could ever ask for. One of the best action movies of the decade, and one of the greatest movie experiences I have ever had the pleasure to enjoy. Two thumbs up and expect to have your mind splattered across the theater walls.

It Might Get Loud (2008)

A Feast For The Mind and Soul

[9/10 · 30 August 2009]

Despite what some may think, I am not one of those people that view films only to analyze and critique them in an intellectual manner. I watch movies because I enjoy being entertained, and that's exactly what I see movies as, entertainment. Which brings us to unstable territory, documentaries. Sure, there is the occasional brilliant documentary that is both informative and entertaining such as The King of Kong and Super Size Me, but the vast majority of documentaries I am simply not interested in due to an abundance of information, but nothing intriguing enough to keep watching. But a documentary about three generations of guitarists coming together to discuss music and play together? Now that's something that sparked my interests enough to find a theater actually playing the movie.

It Might Get Loud is a documentary about three legendary guitarists, Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin, The Edge from U2 and Jack White from The White Stripes coming together for the first time. As Jack White says in the movie, three generations of rockers in the same room was expected to cause "probably a fist fight." While there is no fighting whatsoever and the film is rather tame, it's a truly fascinating spectacle to see these legends speak and play in harmony. As the film progresses, we as viewers are treated to a journey through each of these musicians' psyche, trying to understand what makes each of them tick. Sure, there are the stories of how they all achieved the statuses they worked hard at obtaining, but the real fascinating elements of the film come in learning about all the creativity that is expressed through the music.

Music is a different experience for each human being, so to create a film about music that attempts to appeal to music fans everywhere is a very difficult task, but It Might Get Loud does it incredibly well. Watching the movie, it becomes apparent that it is not even about the three musicians on-screen, rather celebrating music in general. True, there is a ton of great content for fans of rock and roll and Jimmy Page, Jack White and The Edge fans, but regardless of your musical preference, it's an experience to behold. The movie as a whole is an enlightening experience and every scene is even more inspiring than the next.

I apologize in advance for a rather brief review, but with a documentary such as this one, no amount of words can describe how it makes individuals feel. Every person will perceive It Might Get Loud differently which is what makes it so enjoyable and unique. It's a satisfying experience for the mind and soul, and although I have used the word "experience" in a great abundance during this review, that's the word that perfectly describes what the movie is about. It Might Get Loud is a thrilling, enlightening, electrifying experience that is definitely worth checking out if you can find a theater around you screening it.

Funny People (2009)

A Movie Experience Like No Other

[10/10 · 11 August 2009]

Adam Sandler, a man that used to be known for his crazy comedies with zany antics. But in recent years, his movies have not been as inspiring as such classics as Happy Gilmore and Big Daddy. Judd Apatow, a director who I have never had much of a fondness for, but he has produced a few entertaining flicks in the last decade. What do these two individuals have anything to do with each other? Well, Adam Sandler is the star of Judd Apatow's newest movie "Funny People," co-starring Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and Leslie Mann, who has been in countless Adam Sandler and Judd Apatow films. So what do you get when you combine an actor who peaked in the 90's with a director who is hit or miss? Let's find out.

First of all, I must address the serious problem with the previews for Funny People. If you didn't see the first trailer when it premiered in theaters a while back and you are looking forward to seeing the film, do not watch the trailer. I don't know who in the world created the trailer, but all I could think about in the first half of the movie was how I felt like strangling whoever did it. Why? Well it completely ruins the dramatic tension for the first half of the movie. I see that somebody must have blasted the studio over this considering a new trailer was released that didn't ruin anything, thankfully. But the deed had already been done for many people like me, which is a shame.

Anyway, Adam Sandler stars as George Simmons, an actor that specializes in theatrical comedies ranging from vulgar to kid-friendly. Only one problem, he has just been informed that he has a fatal blood disease that there is not much chance of curing. George Simmons soon turns away from acting and just decides to do stand-up comedy with material that is written by Seth Rogen's character, Ira Wright. Ira views this as a big break in a life that had been revolving around small coffee house gigs for no money at all and working in a deli. Watching George Simmons try to cope and deal with his grim situation is moving, and I honestly think this may be Adam Sandler's best performance of his career. It may not be a tear-jerker, but it's a moving and often inspiring story.

There are an unbelievable amount of cameos including popular actors and musicians, and even a star Youtuber makes an appearance. Not going to ruin it in case you don't already know, but needless to say, it's strange yet exciting to see the individual get a decent amount of screen time. There is a plethora of great musical choices from Warren Zevon to John Lennon that always enhance the swaying moods as well and help to give the movie even more of a powerful emotional punch. One thing that I must mention is that Adam Sandler actually performs an original number in the film that I honestly thought he was lip-singing since I had no idea that he had such a great voice.

At it's core, Funny People is a very ambitious movie that succeeds in nearly everything it tries to accomplish. There are so many unique and different acts in the film that all flow in perfect harmony, and at well over two hours, it should really be more considered a great drama with tons of comedic relief instead of just a shallow comedy. It's refreshing to see a movie like this since the characters feel authentic and real to the point where they actually feel like people viewers think they know in the real world. It's just so gripping and depressing, yet such an uplifting movie experience. It's a movie that I fear may get buried beneath tons of inferior movies in the coming years, which I hope never happens since Funny People is simply a masterpiece of a movie. It's a great surprise and it's definitely worth checking out if given the opportunity.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Pure Enjoyment

[9/10 · 8 August 2009]

One of the most iconic franchises in American history, G.I. Joe has been inspiring the minds of the American youth for decades. As a kid, I played with the figures, spending hours upon hours setting up war scenes in the living room, using all of the furniture as the terrain for the battlefield I had planned out in my head. Between the comic books and TV show, there was just no denying that G.I. Joe was absolutely awesome. Now, a live-action movie based on the franchise had yet to be done.......until now. Is it the summer blockbuster moviegoers will flock to, or just a miserable action mess? Evil has shown its hideous face on earth and the G.I. Joe organization refuses to let it prevail. Albeit simple, how much of a plot do you really need? Sure, there are a variety of characters each with their own dilemmas and whatnot, but nobody gives a crap about that. We went to the theater to see some spectacular action, and thankfully, that is just what the film has given audiences. The action sequences are enormous spectacles that just burst with excitement on the screen. Not only are the action sequences terrific, but there are just so many of them that it's mesmerizing. Cars flipping over, explosions in public places......it's absolutely crazy. The creativity in which these action scenes are created with also adds to the entertainment factor. Audiences have seen explosions and action sequences thousands of times in movies, but here, everything feels exciting and new to the point where it is truly refreshing. Also, even with a PG-13 rating, the action scenes don't feel cut and make audiences feel cheated like with many PG-13 action movies that are cut-down for the kiddies.

Simply put, this is the way CGI should be used in movies. Instead of relying on CGI to create the movie from scratch, the creators used CGI as a tool to further enhance G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. This is not like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen in which everything is a jumbled mess of computer images vomiting across the screen. In G.I. Joe, everything has a distinct shape, making everything appear very flashy and sophisticated. Sure, some brief clips here and there may appear to be a tad bit rushed, but these are in very small numbers as the rest of the movie is just a feast for the eyes. The machines are sleek, powerful and edgy, and everything maintains just the right balance between serious and silly. Too much silliness and the movie feels cheap and crappy, and trying to hard to be serious leads to unintentional hilarity in which nobody is willing to believe what is happening. The balance is perfect, though, and everything just really works.

As far as the acting is considered, these are not Academy Award winning performances, but that's mainly due to the nature of the script as opposed to amount of talent each actor has. Dennis Quaid works surprisingly well as General Hawk, and it really seemed like he was having a good time filming the movie, which in turn helps audiences further enjoy it. Other than that, the only real person that I must mention is a completely random appearance by Brendan Fraser. He doesn't serve much of a purpose in any way, but it's great to see him in an entertaining movie for a change. (Please Brendan, go back to being awesome. Please?).

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra may not be a perfect movie, but it's just so enjoyable and fun that everything else is irrelevant. Many people were skeptical right from the early announcement that the movie would be live-action, but I can safely say that after all the anticipation and speculation, the movie was worth the wait. It's a refreshing action movie that celebrates its subject matter with plenty of the famous lines being said in the movie, and it just knows how to have a good time. Definitely check this one out in theaters since the spectacle it produces on the big screen is fantastic. And now you know that you should see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra........and knowing is half the battle.

Horsemen (2009)

A Bad Michael Bay Production? Shocking!

[1/10 · 25 July 2009]

Considering there were very few interesting movies at the video store last night, I decided to go with one that I hadn't heard about, Horsemen A Dennis Quaid film that flew under the radar? Well that seems to be the case considering it had an incredibly small theatrical release and now it appears Lionsgate is just dumping hordes of the movies at video stores in hopes of salvaging the production costs. So I get home and boot up the DVD and begin only to find something so horrific that I almost broke the DVD right then and there. It's a Michael Bay production. Dammit.

I am being honest here when I say that I gave the movie a chance. I didn't automatically assume it would be crap even though it was more than likely, but instead went into it hoping for the best. The movie stars an aging Dennis Quaid who is an Indianapolis homicide detective who falls into a brutal case involving many different homicides all linked by the words "Come and See" written all over the walls surrounding the bodies. Ah, but this is not all as Dennis Quaid is also having problems with his children after a recent family tragedy What a shockingly original twist in a shockingly original plot! Gag me. As a Dennis Quaid fan, it pains me to see him in such an awful role. The script he is given is so clichéd and uninteresting that it is unbelievable this ever made it to production.

Even though Michael Bay only produced Horsemen, his trademark screw-ups can be found slapped across every square inch of the film. The major problem Michael Bay films always has are human characters and emotions. The humans always have the depth and charisma of pieces of cardboard and always act like robots striving for emotional moments instead of real people acting, well, in a real fashion. It's all so fake and ridiculous that it's hard to take anything seriously, this in addition to how the script must have been written by a brain-dead squirrel. But my favorite aspect is the editing, which is simply astounding. There are montage sequences that utilize fading to black in every sequence, and almost all of the other scenes fade to black as well. If they were going for a dramatic and edgy feel, it failed miserably since all it leads to is a headache.

Oh wait, I lied. My favorite part of the film is not the brilliant editing techniques, oh no, it's the incredible plot twists that I hinted at before. There were multiple times in the movie where I literally yelled "PLOT TWIST!" at the screen hoping that if my voice was loud enough, it could fly across the country and kick Michael Bay in the ass. Seriously, the twists were so ridiculous and uninteresting that none of them held and tension or were effective in any way. The ending is about as satisfying as sucking liquid feces through a straw, but I won't spoil it since I'll let viewers take it all in for themselves.

After the film was over, the person I watched the movie with turned to me and stated that it was truly the absolute worst movie he had ever seen in his life. This is the same person I watched Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with, mind you. Horsemen may not be worse than Transformers 2, but it really is a black hole of entertainment. It's about as much fun to watch as it is to have your poopchute Super-glued shut, and I would be hard pressed to make anybody suffer through this waste of time, let alone have to pay to see it. Michael Bay, can you please start using toilet paper instead of wiping your ass with film reels? It's expensive and it makes humanity cry.

Drag Me to Hell (2009)

The Master of Horror is Back

[9/10 · 15 June 2009]

It's hard to defend that recent horror films are simply not nearly as good as they were in the past. Moviegoers have become so accustomed to the idea that torture porn like represented by the Saw and Hostel series is what horror is all about. Not to mention how the rest of the horror films are simply remakes of past movies, like the recent Friday the 13th remake. Thankfully, Sam Raimi decided to tackle the task of making a great horror film in the 21st century. The question is, however, is the film everything horror fans wished it to be? The answer is a resounding yes, considering Drag Me To Hell is quite possibly the best horror film to be released in decades.

The main idea behind Drag Me To Hell is a simple one, yet an idea that has been seemingly lost over the years: Making a horror film that embraces retro horror films, yet is still exciting and exhilarating enough to bring new ideas to the genre. As the years have passes, it truly seems that horror films lost all the charm that they once had. Horror movies are supposed to be enjoyable diversions from reality, that while still being scary and creepy, are fun to watch. Simple as that. But now, the genre is filled with grim, sickening, and twisted gorefests that are neither enjoyable or entertaining. Sam Raimi, however, saw exactly what was wrong with modern film-making, and corrected it. It's truly unbelievable at how amazing the result is.

As far as the story is concerned, the film is centered around one young woman whose life isn't going so well. Her bank promotion is about to be given to a newbie, and in an attempt to show her boss that she is the right one for the position, she denies an old woman an extension on her mortgage. Normally, this wouldn't be a huge deal, had the old woman not cursed the young bank clerk to a fate in hell! Yes, it's silly, but it's refreshing to see a silly horror film plot again, which haven't been seen in years. The shocking part of the film, for me, is just how hilarious it is, yet at the same time, being filled with creepy moments. I spent pretty much the entire film laughing, and some scenes had me laughing so hard that tears were running down my face. I had never laughed that hard during a comedy, let alone a horror film no less.

It is also highly recommended, above pretty much all films in recent memory for that matter, that viewers see this flick in a theater. Why? Well, there are movies that people go to see for the movie itself, and then there are movies, like Drag Me To Hell that are made in part due to the experience. Laughing and yelling at the screen with a bunch of random strangers is what the horror genre is all about, and that is exactly what this film provided. There were people screaming from fear, and then immediately rolling in the aisles laughing. There was even one part of the film where a person was walking into the theater as a screamer popped up on-screen, leading to her literally falling to the ground in fright. While watching it on DVD will still be great, definitely go to a theater if at all possible. It's worth every penny.

Many people refer to me as a cynical reviewer, and that may be true, but I am not kidding when I say that people owe it to themselves to see Drag Me To Hell. It's a celebration of classic horror, and strong enough to represent the past in a time where the genre isn't holding up very well. It's exhilarating, enjoyable, hilarious, and downright awesome in every regard. Sam Raimi deserves a round of applause.

The Taking of Pelham 123 (2009)

What A Remake Should Be

[9/10 · 15 June 2009]

Another month, another remake. Between franchise revivals and remakes, audiences are being bombarded with these flashes of the past with new twists. Well which film has been remade this time? Well the 1974 classic "The Taking of Pelham One Two Three" of course! Is it better than the slew of awful remakes that have been released lately? If you haven't seen the original film, then let me brief you with a quick synopsis. A team of hijackers take over a subway car in the tunnels of New York City and demand a ransom, otherwise the hostages will die. Sounds pretty simple enough on the exterior, but what makes the film so unique is how it takes place in underground, in which the hijackers have nowhere to run. Unlike a film like Air Force One or Speed where the madmen have options if their respective plans fail, here, it appears as if the hijackers are either the stupidest criminals alive, or if they have devised the most brilliant scheme in history.

As far as the remake is concerned, Denzel Washington plays the role of the subway control operator, who is forced to reason with the leader of the hijacking plan, played by John Travolta. Both actors are perfect in their roles, and the performances are both genuine and realistic. It truly feels like the events on-screen could happen in real life, and at some moments, the film is so immersive that it truly feels like it is actually happening. Even the supporting actors like the victims in the subway car seem truly authentic, and not a single character feels out of place or lacking in acting skills.

What this film does have over its predecessor is action, and a helluva lot more of it. It's really hard to explain the action without giving any elements of the story away, so I'll just say that if you are an action fan, while it isn't full-fledged action and mayhem, there should be plenty to satisfy. The cinematography is also great, seeing as scenes between the hostages and the subway operator are intertwined with brilliantly executed scenes of action on the city streets and wonderful broad shots of the city. Maybe part of the reason why I love it is because I grew up near NYC, and can familiarize myself with some of the locations and settings. That's not to say though that people who live elsewhere won't get a similar experience, seeing as it's a great movie on its own. True, sometimes the camera gets overly shaky, but hey, it's a pretty fair trade for otherwise great camera shots.

Pelham 123 is simply one of those films that is hard to discuss without giving things away, and since that would be a crime, I'll just leave you with my recommendation. No, it's not a perfect movie, but I think this is as good as a remake of the classic film could have ever been. It boasts a great blend of drama and action, and is entertaining and enjoyable until the nail-biting finale. Watch it, see it, view it, whatever.......Pelham 123 is worth the wait.

Crank: High Voltage (2009)

The Most Entertaining Film Since the Original Crank

[10/10 · 19 April 2009]

Crank 2: High Voltage is more awesome than life itself. If you take nothing else from this review besides the motivation to go see the flick, then it really doesn't matter to me. Crank was 2006's sleeper hit that nearly perfected the art of making an action movie as hardcore and entertaining as possible, and also showed that Hollywood was still capable of creating great action films. Written by series creators Neveldine and Taylor, who, despite slipping up and creating the terrible waste of time known as "Pathology," Crank 2 delivers on everything it promised, and is,(*gasp*), just as great as the original.

If you have yet to see the original Crank film, I would definitely recommend checking it out before going to see the sequel. Essentially, Crank 2 is the second half of the first movie, and if you haven't seen the original, a lot of the characters and "flashbacks" will fly over your head. But in case you want a quick crash course, here it is. Jason Statham is Chev Chelios, a balls-to-the-walls guy that just isn't very well-liked in the world. In the first movie, Chev was injected with some kind of "Chinese stuff" that forced him to keep his adrenaline up if he wanted to avoid heart failure. Well this time, his heart was literally replaced with an artificial organ that requires constant jolts of electricity. Implausible? Yes. Do audiences really give a crap? Well, if they do, then this is obviously the wrong movie for them. For the rest of us, it's a perfect set-up or some kick-ass action.

Shaky camera done right is about all I can say for the cinematography. No, this isn't a Point-of-View movie by any means, but for once, filmmakers making an action movie understood how to have a shaky camera, yet still make the movie watchable and enjoyable. Not to mention how a movie as insane and outrageous as this downright requires close-up camera angles to bring audiences into the events on-screen, and I can happily say it is done flawlessly.

Now onto what everyone wants to hear about, the action. Yes, it's just as insane and action-packed as the original, and no, the novelty of watching Chev Chelious go absolutely crazy has not worn off. The gore effects are just as over-the-top and great, if not better, and the constant bullets flying everywhere only adds to the madness. And yes, there is another Statham/Smart scene, but instead of in China Town, it's in an even more crazy location, which is surprisingly hysterical. Speaking of hysterical scenes, the entire film can be labeled as hilarious. I can honestly say I have never laughed as hard in a theater as I did during Crank 2, and considering the action was also phenomenal, that's one helluva statement.

Oh, and how could I forget one of the greatest aspects of the movie: David Carradine. I kid you not, he is actually has a part in the movie, and as a 100 year old Chinese crime lord no less. How could it possibly get any better? Sure, Jason Statham, Amy Smart, and Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite are all at the top of their games as well, but David Carradine!

It pretty much boils down to two categories: The people that love the movie, and the people that hate it. If you are a fan of insane amounts of action with next to no plausibility, Crank 2 is most definitely for you. If what I have described sounds like a ludicrous waste of time, then don't see it. Simple as that. For those of us that love action movies though, this truly is the cream of the crop. It's a brilliant continuation of the first Crank film, and as far as my favorite movies of all-time are concerned, the Crank series is near the very top.

12 Rounds (2009)

Nothing Original, But Undeniably Entertaining

[8/10 · 19 April 2009]

In recent years, there really hasn't been many truly great action flicks to warrant fans of the genre to go to the theaters. Sure, there has been a few entries in classic action series like Rambo and Indiana Jones hat met with varied success, but not much in the line of fresh new flicks has been produced (Except the awesome Crank). Thus we come to a film that really garnered next to no hype and slipped quietly into theaters, 12 Rounds. Is it the movie action fans have been yearning for? Danny Fisher, played by WWE superstar John Cena, is a New Orleans detective faced with a problem: an old terrorist named Miles he arrested a year back has broken out of jail and has taken Fisher's girl. Now the only way to get her back is to complete 12 rounds of a "game" that Miles created to finally get revenge on the cop that ruined his life. It's an unlikely scenario to be sure, but hey, this is an action flick, so it's just preposterous enough to make for an interesting plot. The thing I don't understand though is the fact that in the trailer for 12 Rounds, it is said to be directed by the same director who did Die Hard 2, and produced by the Speed producer. Why is this odd? Well, it is obvious right from the start that 12 Rounds is a blatant rip-off of Speed right down to some scenes being near carbon-copies. Well, at least they ripped off the cream of the action genre crop I guess.

One of the major compliments I feel I have to give to the filmmakers comes in that no noticeable CGI was used anywhere in the movie. CGI has been overused way too much as of late, so to see an action movie with good ol' fashioned stunts and explosions is great. What's better than no CGI is how all the action is done incredibly well. Between great car chases, huge explosions, and nicely choreographed fights, it's a feast for the eyes. Of course, all this awesomeness couldn't just stay awesome thanks heavily to the awful camera-work. Similar to Quantum of Solace's quick cuts and shaky camera during action sequences, 12 Rounds makes it difficult at times to tell what the hell is going on. I don't see what is wrong with traditional camera-work where viewers can actually enjoy the high-quality special effects since they can be seen in all their glory, but I digress.

Honestly, there really isn't much to say about this one. If you are an action fan that has already seen every Stallone and Schwarzenegger movie under the sun, then 12 Rounds is sure to entertain on a rainy afternoon. Granted, it doesn't bring much to the table in terms of new concepts or anything like that, but it's entertaining, and that all that really matters, right? Again, it's a complete and utter rip-off of Speed, but it's a damn fine rip-off, and I would be willing to call this Speed 2 more than that pathetic piece of crap film with the cruise ship. After jumping to conclusions when I saw John Cena as the star and it being a WWE Production, I was genuinely surprised by the entertainment value found within, and I think that if viewers go in with the right mindset, they too will have a great time.

The Wizard (1989)

Takes Us Back to A More Innocent Time

[10/10 · 19 April 2009]

While fans today may complain over the company's change of focus to casual games, it's hard to forget the known fact that in the late 80's, Nintendo was godly. The NES was a major success, kids everywhere were filled with joy playing such greats such as the Legend of Zelda and Super Mario Bros, and Nintendo was raking in the cash. While the Super Mario Bros Movie is the prime example of Nintendo butchering video game franchises in order to bring them to the big screen, one movie in 1989 was unlike all the others: The Wizard.

The film begins with a mentally-unstable 6 year old boy named Jimmy. It soon becomes apparent that Jimmy wants to go to California (VERY APPARENT), so his 13 year old half-brother Corey (Fred Savage) steals him from the mental institution, and they're on their way. As an interesting side note, Ben Savage plays a character named Corey on Boy Meets World while Fred Savage plays a different Corey in The Wizard. Confusing. Anyway, Corey's dad (Beau Bridges) and brother (Christian Slater) start on a mission to find the children while competing with a children-finder, who is not nearly as pant-wetting freaky as the child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, to get them first. It may seem simple on the exterior, but the plot starts to not make much sense when trying to figure out the family connections between all the characters since Jimmy is the product of one marriage and Corey and…..screw it. Along the way, the duo meets up with Hailey, who convinces them into competing in Video Armageddon, a video game tournament in none other than California.

Now, in any great movie there is a great adversary, right? Well of course, and The Wizard is no exception. So, who will be standing in Jimmy's path to video game domination? Lucas Barton, the greatest video gamer in all the land. I really don't know what the creators were thinking when they created this laughable excuse for a villain, but for some odd reason, it actually works. It gives the film a unique sort of feel, and even though it's dated and immature, it's a load of fun.

Besides confusing the crap out of an 8 year old with the attention span of a rodent, what other problems does the film have? Got 3 hours to spare? First of all, the morals are all screwed up. The film essentially preaches that hitchhiking is the best plan for 6 and 13 year olds, gambling is great for all ages, screaming about being raped in public to get someone is arrested is fine even if you're just messing around, never reprimand your kids for running away, charge as much money to a hotel room you can't pay for as possible, eat food that isn't yours, sell your parent's bus ticket for some video games……I think the point has been made. I am not even going to discuss the "I'm sleeping with my father in a dump on the highway" or the 80-year old man in a thong ordering liquor. Seriously, what the hell were they thinking? Thankfully, the soundtrack to The Wizard is about as 80's as possible, and for a fan of music from that decade, it's a true joy to listen to. While all the bands that performed songs for the film have ling been forgotten, rocking tunes such as "Send Me an Angel" are featured in some great montage sequences that add a unique style to the overall experience. Perhaps my favorite aspect of the movie is the actual filming locations in the movie. The vast majority of the flick showcases Jimmy and Corey hitchhiking from Utah to California, so seeing all the beautiful scenery and open areas is a real treat.

There are great movies, there are terrible movies, and then there is The Wizard. I truly don't know how to even classify it since, yes, it is a plot disaster, yet it's enormously entertaining and interesting. I have seen this flick more times over the years than I can even count, and watching it today still gives me a sense of satisfaction and joy. Considering Nintendo's other film outings have been terrible at best, The Wizard is a refreshing movie that is definitely worth a watch if under the right mindset.

Friday the 13th (2009)

A Genuinely Awful Experience From Start to Finish

[1/10 · 15 February 2009]

Michael Bay is essentially the Ed Wood of our modern era. He's a delusional, incompetent moron that can never seem to make anything worth watching or entertaining in the slightest. He butchered the classic Transformers, and his film rendition of Pearl Harbor was a worthless pile of trash. His latest project? A Dawson's Creek film adaptation…..with a psychotic killer sub-story.

The original Friday the 13th film was a genuinely creepy slasher flick that managed to achieve everything it set out to do. The idea of showing the slayings from the perspective of the killer while never showing who was behind them until the very end was a great concept, and the acting from the teen cast was actually believable and well done. Whether or not you like the literally 10 films that followed is irrelevant, since this new remake has decided to throw everything that the series has achieved thus far out the window, and deliver a 96 minute test in patience.

First of all, it takes the movie 20 minutes to officially start. By the time the title had appeared on the screen, I had completely forgotten that it hadn't been shown before. This intro of sorts could have been condensed to about three minutes, but I guess an 80 minute movie was a bit too short for the theaters. Anyway, the rest of the movie is simply Jason Vorhees just killing everyone in sight, which further shows that Michael Bay hasn't even seen the original movie he was remaking, but at this point I don't even care anymore. It's also incredibly sad that a movie made in 1980 has better special effects than here in 2009. The killings are so poorly done, and the blood looks so fake that it's hard to even enjoy this crap on a campy level.

For a slasher flick, it takes a lot to make constant murders feel redundant, but this movie takes redundancy to a whole new level. It takes finesse and real skill to make an hour and a half of blood and boobies boring as hell, but incredibly, it has been done. As far as the acting is considered, I think the only thing that could possibly make it worse was if Paul Walker had been in it. As it stands though, the god-awful acting coupled with some of the worst dialogue ever put in a motion picture only help to further pound in the nails in this film's coffin.

Many of the biggest mistakes in this movie though, involve Jason Vorhees himself. To be incredibly blunt, he simply is not scary at all. His rugged appearance makes him look like an idiot, and if he came running at you with a sharp weapon, I think you would be too busy laughing to run away. Oh, that's another thing: Why the hell does Jason run now? Must we ruin everything that made the series what it is today? Remakes have the potential to be entertaining trips down memory lane, but with the Friday the 13th Remake, all we receive is a half-assed pile of vomit. The effects are awful, the acting is atrocious, and just hearing the classic musical cue made me cringe, seeing as how nothing else in the movie feels remotely like a Friday the 13th movie. Considering Michael Bay is also working on the A Nightmare on Elm Street remake that Robert Englund rightfully snubbed, I can't even imagine how he will ruin that franchise. In the end, while advertised as a series reboot, the Friday the 13th Remake is undeniably the worst in the series, and will go down in history as one of the worst movies ever made.

*If you are looking for a great, new-age tribute to the slasher genre, check out Hatchet if you haven't seen it yet. Far better than this piece of trash.

Gran Torino (2008)

An Urban Masterpiece

[9/10 · 10 January 2009]

The big screen has only been graced by Clint Eastwood's presence three times since the turn of the century, yet not a single one of these performances was after 2004. Obviously, being teased for years with his directed films and only a handful of film with his acting talents found within, getting a film with not only his acting, but directing and producing as well is simply a dream come true. Gran Torino is essentially a mash of American History X and Lakeview Terrace, and it accomplishes nearly everything it sets out to do.

Clint Eastwood plays Walt Kowalski, a Korean war veteran, a widow due to the recent passing of his wife, and a man that has been knocked down by the world one too many times. His two sons don't really give a crap about him, his grandchildren are a bunch of greedy little jerks, and the classic American neighborhood he once bhttp://nsider2.com/forums/start-new-topic-f11.htmlought a house in has been infested with feuding Korean gangs. Considering Walt has become a racist and prejudicial individual after all his time and experience on earth, his interactions with the people in his community are sometimes humorous, sometimes disturbing, but always interesting and powerful. The writing in the film is phenomenal, the character development is top-notch, and the story is engaging and significant.

It is most certainly necessary for viewers to know what they are getting into before going to see the film, though. Gran Torino is a brutal and rough film that holds no bars with its very harsh themes and general messages. Like I stated earlier, the tone of the film is very similar to American History X, in that it does not soften anything to appeal to any specific crowds, and if some viewers are offended, well, they just have to deal. This method of film-making is rarely seen anymore due to how Hollywood is obsessed with toning everything down so it appeals to the largest audience possible, so it's refreshing to see the movie Clint Eastwood wanted made, done right. It's raw, it's gritty, but the film could not have existed any other way, which is a concept that will be become blatantly apparent by the end of the film.

The beautiful thing about the film is watching all of the smaller aspects work together in harmony. The score is made up of great instrumental tracks that heighten the suspense and set the mood for each scene, and dead silence is also works in a brilliant way. The acting, besides Clint Eastwood's outstanding performance is quite good, and all the supporting actors are fine in their roles. The film flows perfectly, the impact is major, and overall, it all just works.

After months of awful remakes like The Day the Earth Stood Still and failed potential like in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, watching a brilliant film with one of cinema's all-time finest is more than I could ever as for. While often raw and disturbing, Gran Torino is a film that needed to be made, as it does not sugarcoat the raw themes of racism and prejudice that are still raging strong in America, despite what some may say. Everything works incredible well in the film, and perhaps my only gripe is that there are some problems at the end that I won't discuss since spoiling a masterpiece would be a sin. In the end though, Gran Torino is one of the best films of the 21st century, and for an aging Clint Eastwood, this may be the last chance to see one of the greatest all-around filmmakers to ever live.

Hancock (2008)

An entertaining summer flick....and nothing more

[6/10 · 11 November 2008]

I am most definitely a Will Smith fan seeing as the movies he has been in, on average, tend to be of high quality. So when I went to see Hancock, I was hoping for a decent film starring Will Smith. And that is exactly what I got: A somewhat confused film that wasn't great, but not bad at the same time.

Hancock starts out with the statement that it is unlike most traditional superhero films out there, and in my opinion, this was a great decision by the filmmakers. Superhero films are all the rage nowadays, but having a film starring a super-powered alcoholic is a comedic twist and makes it somewhat original. The storyline after the first 20 minutes or so becomes incredibly generic and mindless though, which really ruins the movie. Considering the beginning looked incredibly promising due to how it was original, I was disappointed to see the filmmakers take the generic and easy road that as been walked down way too many times in the past. Not to mention how the ending was absolutely terrible, and I almost cried at how shallow and lame it was.

The acting was very good though, and Will Smith showed that he is still at the top of his game. I was unaware of Jason Bateman (Arrested Development, Juno) being in the film, so it was a very nice surprise on top of the fact that he did an excellent job in his role.

If you have seen a superhero film in the last five years or so, you will be aware that they are computer-generated extravaganzas, and Hancock is no exception. While many scenes look incredibly realistic and authentic, many scenes look absolutely horrible, and Will Smith flying in front of a green screen was not cutting it for me. By now, I am really getting tired of these CGI fests, and while Hancock boils down to just all computers with some acting, it was done decently.

The camera-work is another thing in which I am not sure whether or not the film did right. Instead of having professional camera angles and smooth scenes, Hancock goes for the raw approach in which the cameras are incredibly shaky to try and immerse the viewer into the scene. It's really a matter of opinion on which way viewers like best, and although I am not always a fan of this camera style, it got the job done.

The main problem with the film is just what the hell the producers wanted it to be. It basically seems like an incoherent mash of comedy, action, romance, fantasy and superhero all mashed into one. It seemed like the filmmakers were trying to appeal to as many audiences as possible, which turned out to be a mistake seeing as they just had too much on their plates. I was happy to see that the film did not rely on its comedy to propel itself, due to how most comedies rely solely on the jokes tend to fall flat on their faces by the end. As for the comedy found within the movie, the jokes were really a mixed bag. Some were hilarious, while the on-going joke of "Call me an a-hole....." really wasn't funny after the second time, which was a problem considering it popped up many times throughout the film.

Was Hancock an amazing film? Absolutely not. Was Hancock a decent summer flick? Indeed it is. As long as you go into the theater with low expectations, I think it is an entertaining ride throughout. Yes, it does have quite a lot of problems such as genre confusion and some fake-looking CGI, but for someone who just wants a fun movie with no real purpose or meaning, Hancock should be sufficient.

Pride and Glory (2008)

A Unique Spin on a Played-Out Genre

[8/10 · 9 November 2008]

Police dramas and family dramas are two sub-genres that have obviously not been neglected in the past few years. Movie-goers are constantly being barraged with sub-par and generic flicks about rogue cops or families struggling with serious issues, so it should come as no surprise that a film has come out that attempts to combine these two themes into one coherent film. Not only has "Pride and Glory" managed to revive these stale sub-genres, but it also is candidate for 2008's film of the year award.

The first thing most people realize when looking up information about "Pride and Glory" is the all-star cast that have been brought together for the film. Edward Norton (American History X) plays a memorable role as always that makes the film, Jon Voight (Mission Impossible) plays a realistic down-to-earth father searching for answers, and even Noah Emmerich (The Truman Show) was there to lend a terrific performance. Sadly, there was bound to be one crappy actor; enter Colin Farrell. Thankfully, he was actually decent in Pride and Glory instead of being horrible like he has a reputation for being in films such as Miami Vice.

Instead of ruining a great story for those who have yet to see the film yet, I will simply state that the story is gripping and intriguing to the very end due to fantastic character development and a great finale. As with any movie though, there are a few ridiculously out of place scenes like the whole thing in the bar, but in the end, these problems are few and far between and hardly detract from the overall quality of the film.

Pride and Glory would be one of my personal favorite films of all-time had it not been for the bluntly obvious problem of the camera-work. With great writers and a fantastic cast of actors, you would think a top-notch camera crew would be assigned, but alas, we are treated to a crew suffering from Tourrettes. While I am not a fan of POV (Point-of-View) camera-work to begin with, it might be tolerated if the film calls for it like in "The Blair Witch Project." The problem is that Pride and Glory is not supposed to look amateurish, but the sad fact is that it appears that a Handycam was used for the entire film. Seriously, I did a short video recently with a digital camera, and even an untrained individual like myself had the ability to hold the camera straight. In Pride and Glory, it is constantly shaking and spinning to the point where it is hard to tell what is going on; even when there is just a conversation between two stationary people! A star-studded cast, a phenomenal story, fitting music, and no CGI; what more is there to ask for? Sure, the cinematography is mind-bogglingly awful, but I guarantee that most people will not be as consumed as I with the camera work, and even I learned to ignore it due to how the film was just too good to look away. In a year of disappointing come-backs like Indiana Jones IV and just plain horrible films like The Happening, an original film like Pride and Glory is definitely appreciated. It takes a negative aspect of the police department in the U.S. that is most certainly real and a serious problem, and shows it in an incredible light. For this reason, audiences will probably dislike the film seeing as it is quite depressing and violent throughout, but for those who can tolerate the morbid nature of it all, a legendary film is found underneath. Quite possibly the best film of 2008 by a long shot.

Passion in the Sun (1964)

Amusing From Start to Finish

[1/10 · 11 October 2008]

What the hell am I doing? I have gone so low as to start rating pornographic films? Oh that's right, this isn't just any pornographic movie……it's a hilariously inept pornographic movie that attempts to provide the viewer with a plot to sink their teeth into. I am of course talking about the relatively unknown 1960s "Passion in the Sun," which is quite possibly the biggest train wreck in the history of cinema.

What is "Passion in the Sun" about? To be perfectly honest, I haven't the faintest idea, but I'll attempt to explain it to the best of my abilities. The film begins at a run-down carnival in which a obese married couple complain about a hairy man they have chained in a cage. He is referred to as "The Geek," which makes no sense at all due to how he has severe mental disorders and can only grunt and walk like a deformed monkey. Soon after this the film proceeds to show the female protagonist in her natural environment……the dressing room for a strip club. She is kidnapped for no reason by two men, a fight in a moving car ensues, she escapes, gets chases after by men in guns, skinny-dips a lot, some cops are shown, more strip club scenes, and then the movie ends. Confused? Why, of course you are since this is the most brainless and idiotic plot ever conceived right up there with "Catman in Boxer's Blow." A flash of a leg……….a shaky view of the rear tire………a beautiful view of the empty sky………….the worst cinematography I have ever seen. Toddlers with ADD who aren't given Ritalin can handle a camera with more finesse and grace than the camera crew in "Passion in the Sun." The camera is hardly ever focused, and when it finally is focused, the cameraman is usually either way too far ahead of the actors or lagging behind.

An American film with English dubbing along with an unpredictable narrator helps to absolutely decimate the audio. There is hardly any dialogue in the entire film which is incredibly awkward since the film is comprised of excruciatingly long scenes with crappy music and characters with mouths moving yet not a single word comes out. The narrator likes to pop in and out with random and out-of-place comments that make no sense in the context of the scene. Add in how the few lines that are spoken are either dubbed or deal with the fact that the audio is delayed 2-3 seconds after the actors in the film speak, and you have quite the situation.

Knowing that people will want to know about the pornography, I can truly say that it is just downright hilarious. The protagonist is chased through a forest by a man with a loaded pistol for half the film, yet she feels the need to remove her clothes and go for a swim not once, but twice in the film. Taking an enjoyable swim is now more important than not getting shot in the head? The naked females in the film are always either carrying something or walking backwards too; obviously a desperate attempt at keeping their lower halves covered. There are also multiple 4 minute or more scenes that break up the wild goose chase to show girls just dance around aimlessly.

I can guarantee that there has never been a film quite like "Passion in the Sun" and that is most certainly a good thing. There is not a single redeeming quality to the film besides the fact that it is so inept and so idiotic that it just may be the most unintentionally hilarious thing to ever come out of Cinema's hairy ass-crack. Films like this just beg to be seen even if just to mock their existences. Why was this made? How was this approved for making? Who the hell knows, but what I do know is that it is perhaps the worst film ever made……..yes, Catman in Boxer's Blow bad.

Traitor (2008)

Don't expect anything groundbreaking

[6/10 · 8 September 2008]

Before every summer, movie-goers are barraged with trailers and previews of the latest blockbusters that are set to dominate the box-office. While there were a ton of summer blockbusters this year like The Dark Knight and Hancock, there are some that quietly entered the theater without any hype or expectations. Traitor is most certainly one of these films.

Traitor starts off with a clichéd back-story of the protagonist, Samir, played by Don Cheadle. The viewer soon finds out that Cheadle is a weapons dealer that travels 3rd world countries in search of buyers. After a ridiculous amount of unrelated events, Cheadle becomes involved in a terrorist organization in Yemen who targets the United States. It bears a strong similarity to recent films such as The Kingdom and the inspiration clearly derives from the War in Iraq. While the story works fairly well in the beginning, problems start appearing during the film, and after all is said and done, there are far too many questions that were left unanswered. Not to mention how the plot-twist that the filmmakers put all their time and effort into crafting is as obvious as a deceased cow in the middle of a highway.

The word "forgettable" comes to my mind almost every time I think about Traitor, and it is hard to deny that it is the perfect word to describe the film. While there aren't any fatal flaws with the film, it really doesn't do anything particularly well. The special effects are usually basic at best, and most of the time, the film just shows the after effects of the explosions instead of the moment it happens; obviously trying to cut back on expenses, yet the film suffers a bit. The casting is also an oddly mixed bag of people as well. While many will recognize Don Cheadle, the others are all kind of forgettable actors from past films. During the movie, I kept saying "Oh, that's Keanu Reeves' partner from Speed"; or "I know his face…..but what's his name?" Basically, the point I am trying to get at is that there really isn't a selling point for the film seeing as how there are some familiar faces, but no one really stands out for marketing purposes like George Clooney or Tom Cruise.

One of the only unique aspects of the film is the cinematography, and while The Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield are the main films that generally stand-out cinematography wise, Traitor follows a similar suit. In fact, it's kind of hard to pick a thumbs up or thumbs down in this category seeing as how it is just very inconsistent. While some scenes have some terrific moving camera-work to help gain a feel for scenery and the characters in a room, many times it is just way too choppy and shaky to the point where migraines are the focus instead of entertainment.

While I have tried to get past the negative aspects of the film, it becomes quite apparent that the film just isn't anything special. While I do feel that it is a film that needed to be made due to how it has the balls to show that not all people in 3rd world countries are suicidal religious fanatics, it does strike me as very egotistical. During the whole movie the message is given that terrorism is an unstoppable force and that the United States has problems just like every other country in the world, but by the end, the filmmakers seemed focused on showing just how invincible the United States can be. It seems very contradictory and to put it bluntly, seems like yet another piece of American propaganda.

Traitor is a decent action flick with a storyline that will keep viewers entertained to the very end, but that's about it. It is doubtful that anything in the film will spark any recollection of it's existence in five years' time and it just seems rather unmemorable. I would be fine just calling this an entertaining summer movie had it not attempted to be a thinker's film. It's kind of ironic that a movie hell-bent on making the viewer use their brains requires the viewer not to think about anything to enjoy the film. If you're looking for an entertaining film to pass the time this weekend, Traitor is worth checking out if you remember not to analyze it afterwords.

The Black Gestapo (1975)

An atrocious film that manages to be mildly entertaining

[1/10 · 23 April 2008]

The Black Gestapo is primarily a movie about racism in Los Angeles in the 1970s. The film revolves around a group of black radicals who are fed up with paying a percentage of their hard-earned money to the whites. This is turn leads to a Nazi-type movement which leads to a separate group of black soldiers taking the situation into their own hands. It is a very confusing story that does not hold up well throughout the film and is left in pieces by the end.

I will make it clear before I get into it though that this is definitely not a movie for kids. Between the full nudity that is in no short supply throughout, harsh racial terms, a scene in which a man gets his genitals cut off, tons of blood......this is a strong R and borderline X rated film. That said, the rest of the film is just not worth watching. The music is random and sporadic. One moment it will be this serious type of tune, and then out of nowhere it will break out into some crazy funk. I mentioned before how the story makes no sense, the characters are extremely hard to follow, the locations seem to follow no real path, the film ditches the main conflict for a new one by the end...........it's just a total waste.

One of the best signs that this movie is a low-budget, low-quality piece of crap is when two men are fighting in a pool (how original). At the end, when the dead corpse of the loser emerges, we see that the actor forgot to take his goggles off (not present at the beginning of the fight). The actors are a mixed bag, with some being just barely passing, while others are just completely inept.

Don't be expecting an amazing ending either, because there is hardly any resolution to the conflict at the end. All in all, "Black Gestapo" is a very bad film that can be mildly entertaining if you are into watching bad films. If not, just skip it.....you are not going to miss anything.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Just Skip It

[2/10 · 13 April 2008]

Getting past the fact that the movie has hardly anything to do with the game series it is based on, the movie itself is just plain terrible.

Extremely bad dialog combined with an uninteresting story full of characters played by inadequate actors make for one terrible film. The jokes may have been humorous back when the film first premiered, but they have certainly showed their age when viewing it again now.

I honestly don't see why people try to defend this movie. It just isn't even close to being labeled decent in my book. There just isn't much to say about the Super Mario Bros movie besides just saying to skip it. Being a hardcore Nintendo and Mario fan, even I cannot recommend the film to anyone even though I would certainly have liked to.

L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve (2001)

Worse than you can even imagine

[1/10 · 10 April 2008]

I saw this DVD on a clearance rack for $5, and having never heard of it prior to that moment, decided to pick it up seeing as it had Dennis Hopper. Sadly, the movie barely even has Dennis Hopper in it, and the scenes he is present for showcase some of his worst acting to date.

I am truly amazed that the two main characters can even consider themselves actors due to their complete incompetence at acting in general. The plot is absolutely ridiculous and to make matters worse, the scenes involving the police officers and vehicles were not even slightly accurate to what would happen in a real situation similar to that.

Perhaps my favorite part of the movie was the sex scene, which had to be one of the most pathetic scenes ever put to film. The man's facial expression suggested that his toenails were being ripped off and was one of the few times that a scene in a film has brought me to tears from laughter. The gunfights are just as "mind-blowingly" bad. The film starts off with two men with machine guns surrounded by around ten police officers all within around 30 feet ducking behind police cars for cover. And amazingly, the police go through countless rounds without a hit on either man for a few minutes. Add in how the men who play the criminals aren't even trying due to their lack of acting skills whatsoever, and you have an awful beginning to an equally awful film.

Truly terrible movies only pop up once in a blue moon, but L.A.P.D.: To Protect and Serve sets the bar for bad. Not only is it an extremely non- entertaining piece of garbage, but it rivals Manos: Hands of Fate on my list for the worst movie I have ever seen. Dennis Hopper, who had brilliant performances in films such as Speed, should feel ashamed to even make a brief cameo in this sorry excuse for a film. Sadly, IMDb does not allow me to rate it lower than a 1/10, because LAPD does not deserve even a tenth of that point.