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Frankiethousand
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Reviews
The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (2022)
Not terrible, just.....dull
Three episodes in, and may revise my view after more, but so far there is nothing to draw you in, and for want of a better word, CHEESE as far as the eye can see. So, so cheesy. Not in an artisinal, crafted cheese way, no. Some scenes look like high school film projects that failed and were shown to the rest of the class as a lesson.
I don't mind the casting or the acting, but the writing and directing are dragging this down so far I'm not even sure Tolkien himself could save it now.
Maybe development of the characters will come, but honestly it might be too late by then, as I'm not sure anyone watching cares enough about them.
Red Notice (2021)
Monumentally stupid
What an irredeemable, humourless hash of trite nonsense that was. Scene after scene you've seen before elsewhere, forced one liners, ludicrous plot filled with holes and children's comic book level science, it was an excruciating two hours.
Also, why do people keep casting Gal Gadot? How is she getting work? A complete charisma void.
Santa Jaws (2018)
Wow
In case you were wondering, yes. Yes it is so bad it's good. Just don't expect the effects budget to be bigger than the plot holes and enjoy the ride.
The Last Stand (2013)
Hard not to like
Silly, charming, funny and over the top in a self-assured and very knowing way, this was a take on a modern western I couldn't fault at face value.
Don't go searching for plot holes or depth, it's not that movie. Enjoy a good cast balancing their straight-faced roles with heavy irony and comedic winks to bygone genres and you'll come away engaged and entertained, and it at no point pretends or tries to be anything more.
Fahrenheit 451 (2018)
Poorly executed
An objectively fine cast performing a classic of modern literature should be a guaranteed engaging journey. Sadly the needless re-interpretation of the source washed away all meaning and interest, to the extent that the most thrilling part of the movie was when the damn thing finally finished.
Little Joe (2019)
Beautifully shot, poorly told
The five stars are for the stunning colours, shoots and sets drawing you into the other-world they're presenting, but the telling of the story drags too often, the deliberately stilted acting grates very quickly and the paper-thin story is transparent from the start. An almost movie, but probably could have better served a short or an episode in a grander vision.
Save Yourselves! (2020)
Charming and funny
Yes, it's unashamedly low budget and a little quirky, that might push a few viewers away. For the rest of us, the likeable leads emit real chemistry, and the movie would have been entertaining and charming even without the fluffy alien invasion.
The end hangs, and there is a little drag leading up to it as ideas ran thin, but overall well worth an hour and a half of your time, unless you get easily offended by close to the bone social references and you live in Brooklyn, maybe.
Dolittle (2020)
Started poorly and just kept on going
What a waste of a talented cast and $175 million dollars. You could have taught a bear to speak for real for less.
The Watch (2020)
Why re-imagine one of the greatest imaginations of modern times?
Watched the pilot, and left conflicted. I've read all the books over the years, so it was nice to see elements brought to life, but why modernise and change things up, when playing it true to the source would have been easier and better? Pratchett isn't a show-writer from the grave, so let his work do the storytelling. It's what he did best, after all
Wonder Woman 1984 (2020)
Extremely poor
I'm sorry to say, but believe the haters. There's some solid action sequences, but it gels like baked mud, goes on at least an hour too long, is absurd and ridiculous from the opening scene and the heroine is unlikeable throughout.
Oh, and how did they fuel that jet? And project colour TV to those monochrome 80s computer screens? And travel so fast? I could go on, but I'll spare you.
Soul (2020)
Worth your time
Beautifully presented, throwbacks to wild animations of the 60s and 70s, with the same adult humour hidden in plain sight through the layers of story. Well worth a watch, it won't change your life but parts of it will resonate and stay with you, and maybe even raise a smile.
Thir13en Ghosts (2001)
Avoid
Despite some genuinely stiff competition from all genres, this could finally be the worst movie I've ever seen, or ever will.
Underwater (2020)
Derivative and trite
Borrows heavily from other alien and monster of the deep tales, unfortunately it borrows all of the far-fetched, trite, hacked and corny elements while forgetting to create a story or any characters to hold your interest.
Kristen Stewart tries hard, but is a few dozen Sigourneys short of a Weaver. The rest of the cast muddle through, valiantly trying to believe the rubbish they're asked to present in the vain hope that we do too. We don't.
See (2019)
Nothing to see here, move along
Even after you get past the absurdity of the premise, the relentless plot holes, unbelievable environment and bizarre philosophies weigh down far more than a handful of good acting performances can carry.
Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)
Well that was a bit cr*p, wasn't it
Two hours of hoping the 'heroine' just dies and ends it for all of us
Gods of Egypt (2016)
Wow. Just wow.
It's rare to find any art so irredeemably awful in every possible level that you come out feeling deep sympathy for the people who made it. If you genuinely enjoyed this biblical flood of trite cheese and laughable dialogue, good luck with the rest of your treatment.
It Chapter Two (2019)
Wow, that was bad
Finally got around to watching this on a flight I needed to kill time on, and wow. Poorly scripted, laughable 'horror'; was it supposed to be a comedy? I was laughing.
It was so bad I wished our plane would make an emergency landing to end the tedious, soulless experience for good. Imagine Jumanji re-enacted by drunk teenagers and their drunker parents with a latex endorsement and absolutely no ideas. In fact, that would have been better.