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Wilander
Reviews
Mars Attacks! (1996)
One of two Burton clunkers
Having recently disgraced his otherwise brilliant name with Planet Of The Apes, it is advisbale that Burton's legions of fans also ignore this disaster from his lengthy back catalogue. A waste of time, talent and money, this is an offensive, unfocused "parody" that rarely rises above being yawn-inducing. With an ensemble cast that never gells, and gags which emphasise bad taste over genuine wit, there's precious little to like herein. Why you watched it; Burton and aliens-must be good. Why you turned off; Jesus, this is a repetitive one-joke flick. What you should have watched instead; Sleepy Hollow for Burtonites, Independence Day for sci-fi nerds.
The Way of the Gun (2000)
Slow-burn to an almighty finish. (Slight Spoilers).
Most action movies don't bother with such simple devices as plot, characters or an engaging storyline. Some would say that this is a genre strength, an excuse to turn away from highbrow thought to high-key, mindless mayhem. Whilst that is all well and good, most people eventually find themselves wanting...more. That little bit extra to garnish an already tasty dish. Here, Christopher McQuarrie presents a whole lotta extra treats, whilst never losing his grip upon tension or bloody spectacle. Rambo-lovers, however, should best stay clear, for this is undoubtedly a Thinking man's shoot 'em up. When,as an example, did the "hero" confess to feeling guilt over murdering a paedophile? Conduct torture purely for cash? Get royally shafted in what we assumed would be an all-out celebration of hip carnage? Bear in mind that this was 200, a whole year before Spider-Man told folk that "it's ok to cry whilst kicking the sh*t out of somebody". Brave stuff. Were this all that Chris provided in the way of innovation, it'd still be mightily impressive, yet he also shows some serious balls within structural limits. As opposed to having bullet dance/chat/explosion/one-liner, he allows moments to build, ebbing, flowing, surely swelling into one large tidal wave of carnage. By the time blood begins to shed, an audience is engaged with two low-life antiheros, whilst sympathising with their-refreshingly scarred-nemesis. It's truly remarkable to see well-choreographed brutality mixing delicately with excellent performances, there's that constant "Yes, i GET you!" feeling beneath every frame. Sit back, tune your head and, and relish this sun-drenched delight.
Dobermann (1997)
Unexciting, unenticing, unwelcome.
This should be a fantastically amoral feast of over-hyped violent excess. There should be brutally hip carnage splayed from one end to the next, taking in the seediest plot imaginable, delivering amoral thrills to crack a viewer's teeth wide open. Let's face facts; This was never meant to be a movie about Nice, Kind people. Those folk, although fully deserving of their place in moral movies, just can't satisfy certain filmgoing needs. Give me pain, suffering and brutality! Not, as Jan Kounan gives us, flat characters, a non-existent plot, pointless, annoying camera movements and a soundtrack that in no way compliments the on screen behaviour. It isn't even properly violent, just dull. Watch "Ichi The Killer" instead.
King of New York (1990)
Better Than Scarface. By Miles.
King Of New York. 1989. Starring; Christopher Walken, David Caruso, Laurence Fishburne, Wesley Snipes. Rating; Four and a half stars out of five.
To quote Christina Aguillera, "Gonna Get Dirty". That's clearly Abel Ferrara's mindset whenever he directs a film, and the sleaze-master's taste buds are clearly whacked up to full potential with this nasty, sadistic, gloriously perverted take on street life. Roxy music never saw it like this, i can assure you. Frank White (Walken), has just got out of jail. With glint in eye, gun in hand, fake smile slapped on, White's going to claw back everything he lost. The cops, however, will go to absurd lengths to prevent this, even if it means placing Snipes and Caruso in some pretty freakin' severe harms way. So far, however, Fishburne's crazed drug dealer-helped, in a brief, by Steve Buscemi-has gunned down any opposition. can the future CSI Miami controller stop that bloke who danced in Fat Boy Slim's "Weapon Of Choice" video? Or will nasty guys win, like Tony Montana, except with long-term prospects that don't involve gratuitously extended death scenes involving saying Chello to their leetle frens'? Admittedly, "King's" plot is formulaic, yet to simply leave it at that is ignoring Ferrara's trained gutter-eye. You thought "Seven" had gloominess at an apex...You were wrong, punk. One wonders just how many shades of black are utilised herein; pastel colours are most definitely off the menu. Walls chip away, revealing rotten underbellys, rain slicks the putrid streets. Screw Hell's Kitchen this is Hell's Bathroom, Garage and Kinky Bedroom. Think "The Crow", times fifty, plus a helping of slickly vile violence in terms of viewing pleasure. Miserablists will adore this, as will anybody who enjoys cackling at "Forbidden Imagery". Across the board, performances are excellent, especially Fishburne, proving that he can do crazy, alongside stoically brave. One killing especially should leave you slack jawed, popcorn spilling, mumbling..."But movies can't do this to me!" Should it's influence prove a tad too much to handle, should your hand edge towards that freshly loaded Uzi, simply memorize Walken's indelible quote; "I never killed anybody...who didn't deserve it" Class triple-A stuff.
The Godfather (1972)
Over-rated to high hell
Much like The Exorcist, this is a film that is praised my amateur minds, who know little about what makes a decent film. It has a few moments that brought a smile to my face, (well, one...when if finally finished). It's far, far too long, a self-indulgence that seeps into the rest of the movie. I found Brando's performance to be hammy, unconvincing and laughable, (how did a guy resembling a giant hamster control this group of poorly-acted gangsters?) Quite literally nothing of any significance occurs in this film, it's just an endless succession of mumbling, shooting, and glaring. I suppose that masochists find it entertaining, everybody else either A; Hasn't seen it, or B; Are lying. The "special effects" for the shooting scenes are very 1970's, ie, poor. It's no use saying this is a classic-to me, it 'aint, and i'm somebody who KNOWS he's right!! Watch something of true class instead...though you'll be hard pushed to find anything in the crime genre.
Heat (1995)
Please, what was all the fuss about??
Although it's never a good idea to believe the hype, i sat down to watch this film expecting something special, something original, a piece of work which i'd be able to bring up in any film discussion to show that it was truly the greatest cops and robbers tale i've ever seen. But all i got was...an acceptable movie. Don't get me wrong, this is worth a watch, yet it simply doesn't qualify as anything other than a workman-like, well-acted crime thriller. The biggest let down for yours truly was the actual heist. Action scenes should have passion behind the, dynamism, not a load of cars getting shot. Repeatedly. here's my advice, stick this in your VCR/DVD player expecting an ok way to spend three hours, and you probably wont be dissapointed. Expect anything more...you'll be left going "Was that it?!", then feeling bitter towards Michael Mann for years afterwards.
Lola rennt (1998)
Pulse-poundingly excellent. (MINI-SPOILER)
Smashing out of your screen like a bat from the coolest parts of Hell, "Run Lola Run", (or "Lola Rennt"), smacks a viewer about the face, shouting "WATCH ME! I AM THE BEST!" And whilst not the greatest thriller ever made, it's certainly one that every self-respecting fan of exciting cinema should witness. Then watch again, to try and watch the parts that moved past to fast the first time! Smash cuts, zooms, action sped up to a blur, slow motion, animation, colour changes...virtually every camera trick in the book is here, and it's as though Tyker wants to show us all of them at once. The plot is very, very simple; Manni has lost a thousand marks. He needs it in 20 minutes, or he'll be killed. So Lola runs to get the money. Three times she tries this, or rather, three different versions of this event are played out in front of our astonished eyes. Trust me, you will enjoy this film. And if you don't...then check that you actually enjoy thrillers next time! Fantastic.
She's All That (1999)
Pretty Good, Actually!
I'm not a fan of romantic comedies. I don't really like the premise of disposing of one's individuality to win popular acceptance. So why do i like this movie?? Is it Matthew Lillard, excellent as Brock Hudson? Is it the lovely sunshine and locations? Is it the idealised look at High School Life? Is it just the general atmosphere of well-being i get from watching it? Hell yeah! It's silly, unrealistic, vacuous, but damnit, i enjoyed watching it! One note, though, you might want to watch something a bit more intellectually stimulating afterwards.
The Faculty (1998)
Great stuff.
Robert Rodriguez....well, at least he made this before going back to that godawful Desperado rubbish! This film has an actual storyline (!), which is a bit silly, but still fun. Elijah Wood and Clea DuVall both make their characters exceptionally attractive , (in all senses of the word). If you're like me, and a bit of a geek, you should love it. If not, then watch it anyway, out of simple decent respect.
Batoru rowaiaru (2000)
Makes Western action movies look weak and pathetic
(PLOT SPOILERS) Having bought this on D.V.D. without seeing it beforehand, i can honestly say that this is one of the most violent, disturbing, and frankly nasty films i have ever seen. It's also a classic of extreme cinema, a film so unlike any other action movie that we can only hope more Japanese block-busters become available on Region 2 DVD, (thankfully, the Tartan "Asia Extreme" series is providing the UK with some of the finest examples). Basically, this is violence and teen-angst combined into a heady cocktail, there isn't a "plot" in any traditional sense, instead, we see how characters respond to their plight, in pacifist, suicidal, and psychotic fashions. In the West, we tend to concentrate on the asthetic of a fight scene, rather than the pain and suffering that violence causes. In "Battle Royale", EVERY gunshot brings some form of pain, panic, or torment, people bleed, cry, plead for their lives; it asks many questions about voyuerism, what we as an audience "get" from watching it. The result? A shocking, provocative film that will leave you breathless and stunned.
Best Bits: The "I said no whispering!" and TV monitor sequence. A gut-wrenching Lighthouse scene. The severed-head moment! Genuinely touching insights into how teenagers interact with one another.
and of course, for feminists everywhere...A sexist pig getting stabbed twice in the testicles!
Natural Born Killers (1994)
Kill to see this film
(MINOR SPOILERS) Before we begin, let me just put my review into context. I will discuss the Uncut, Director's Cut of this film, that reinstates any previously banned material. Most people have seen this version, but if you haven't, then it might be better to check out some of the other reviews on this site, or better yet, buy the Uncut DVD yourself. So, onto the movie. This is the twisted, and at times, painfully amusing story of two serial killers; Mickey and Mallory Knox. They slaughter men, women and children, all in the name of fun. This theme of enjoying violence will instantly upset some viewers, mainly because it's a recognisable human trait. We all have the capacity to beat somebody up, and find it thoroughly entertaining, but seeing this primal urge put on-screen can disturb us in a very deep and profound manner. I don't personally advocate killing as a life-choice, but some would. What surprised me most about "Natural Born Killers", though, is it's playful satirising of authority figures, and most notably, the media. Oliver Stone even pokes fun at himself, by turning certain horrific scenes into sick comedic setpieces, that are, in anything, more worrying than "straight" murder. Nobody in this creation is wholly likeable; the cop is a biased, egotistical moron, the jail-warden is a complete red-neck, and Robert Downey Junior's reporter is a hypocritical, loud-mouthed scum-bag. That's why we root for M and M, they might be criminals, but at least they don't pretend to be anything else! I appreciate that some viewers may not be able to make that "moral leap" of rooting for the bad guys, but if you can, this is a wild ride. Stone utilises eighteen different film formats, and lots of visual tricks, to put us inside the mindset of our "heros", the effect being both dazzling and frightening, as we're not just watching them in action, we are part of their psyche, directly implicated in their crimes. What carries us through this is their, oddly touching, romance. Mickey really does love his "wife", and she returns that affection, they're an ideal couple, in a perverted way. How can one fight against such affection, some part of you NEEDS to see them make it through this film. As to whether they do or not, that would be telling! If you're ready to approach it with an open mind, and an empty stomach, then NBK will shock, provoke, and most importantly of all, entertain you like few other films in the crime genre. I hope you enjoy it as much as i did.
Se7en (1995)
Beautiful
POSSIBLE MINOR SPOILERS This is one of the most beautiful films i have ever seen, though it is not beauty in the traditional sense. It is a dark, bleak portrait of suffering and pain, in a dank, depressing city. Every frame is filled with either despair, or twisted horror. There's a strong Gothic element to the storyline, (which involves the deliciously nasty punishments of several sinners), that you will either embrace wholeheartedly, or reject outright. Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman both turn in convincing, powerful performances, with the former proving that he's much more than just a pretty face. This film sucks you into it's uniquely dirty world, only relinquishing it's tight hold in a finale that you'll never, ever forget...no matter how much you might want to. For the willing victim, this will be one of the best thrillers you'll ever see.
The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)
It's. Not. Funny.
MINOR SPOILERS:This movie has had the status of classic bestowed upon it, which i find frankly ludicrous. How can a film which features a scene of barely disguised sadism right at the start, (which involves an ordinary cop being burned, shot and humiliated), takes in many sexist jokes, then finally takes pleasure in an act of unintentional cannibalism be funny? Leslie Nielsen doesn't act in this movie, he merely remains stubbornly wooden, then falls down when the script requires it. The real problem about this "comedy" is that it doesn't care about its characters. Even farces, such as this, should treat their protagonists with a modicum of respect, and not to do so makes laughing at them seems cruel, rather like kicking a puppy who can't walk properly yet. This is crude junk, a smear on film history, and is a waste of your time. Watch it if you want to feel depressed.
Jackass (2000)
I truly loathe this show
Apparently, for not liking this, i'm "uptight", "humourless" and "a drag". Well, i probably am! It takes a lot to make me laugh, and this..this is trash. I have certain standards when it comes to comedy:If it's offensive, please let it have a point to make, (and even then, i remain dubious of it's worth) If someone is humilliated, it is not funny. If someone is in pain, it is not funny. I actually believe that, without the majority of today's "humour", the world would be a much more efficient place. "Jackass" is a waste of space, a show made made idiots, for idiots. It actually made me want to scream at the t.v to stop, because i saw so many young minds being polluted by this filth. Read a book, don't watch this. If you are a fan, my personal opinion is that you should really question yourself:How on earth can watching stupidity be funny? Please, i beg of you, never watch this show.
Sliding Doors (1998)
The cinematic equivalent of being force fed garbage
WARNING: Contains a spoiler Oh dear god. What's this meant to be then? A comedy, apparently. But where are the jokes, where're the amiable characters, where's the amusingly barmy plot? Nowhere to be found in this movie, sadly. From the opening scene, you know this film is going to grate on your senses like sandpaper, featuring one of the most irritating songs ever penned, "Have fun Go mad". Ironically, the audience will probably not do the former, as there's precious little to find fun in, nut will almost certainly do the latter. Gwyneth Paltrow is forced, probably at gunpoint, to play THE most dippy, annoying, flighty "heroine" i have ever seen, whilst poor John Hannah is left to try and get a laugh out of this dribbling mess. And as for the script.."Everyone's born with the Beatles lyrics in their heads.It should be called the Featles" And, whilst that is teeth gnashingly awful dialogue, it's sadly the best line of the entire film. However, we do get to have a hearty laugh as Helen is smashed into oblivion by a truck at the end, (though why she had to live in any reality is beyond me) Please don't watch this, because, in layman's terms, "It sucks to high heaven" 0 out of 10
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
This movie is rubbish disguised as silk
I'm going to say this outright:This is a dull, predictable, plodding, stupid film. Now, it might be easy for you, the reader, to assume that i hate reading, didn't read the books, and therefore treated the movie with extreme prejudice. Actually, i love reading. I like good, well told, original stories. The Lord Of The Rings was none of these things. JRR Tolien admitted to having written the books for himsef and no-one else. Boy, did it show! The outdated ramblings of a dry, humourless man do not a good trilogy make. Quite why Peter Jackson, a man who appears outwardly sensible made this rubbish is blatantly obvious:Money. There are a million folk out there who can't face reality, and choose Tolkien's self-indulgent drivel over actually living! I'm deeply sorry to have offended anyone, but we all know it's the truth, and there's no point denying it. So, where to start with the problems? Well, there's the acting. Ian McKellen couldn't be camper if he tried, Elijah Wood takes the money and runs, and everyone else just looks either drunk or bored,(a state which will echo how the viewer is probably feeling!) Then there's the camerawork: Overly flashy, some truly awful pans out, and where are all these stunning vistas everyone is talking about? The point of the camera is to show us the action, not shout "Look, i'm here, notice me" Then there's the pace, which is slower than a dead snail, the lack of any palatable tension, awful make-up (THOSE are Orcs? Oh, please!), and a tacked on storyline. Please, don't watch this. I expected great things from it, and came away feeling devasted at how awful it is. -1 out of 10.
Dr. No (1962)
Why do people watch this trash?
Alright, i'm going to upset a lot of people now: James Bond is rubbish. His cahracter was tolerable for the first two or three movies, but then became a wholly vile creation. This is the film that started pumping an unsavoury franchise into our cinemas like so much raw sewage. The plot is hard to swallow, but you do get a few bangs for your pound,(i refuse to say "buck", as i'm not American). Ursula Andress is perfectly average as the token female, but the way she's repeatedly exploited is too much for any sensible person to take. After you take away the explosions, what's left? Sexist tripe of the worst kind. You get some thrills, but really, who can call this a good movie? I would rather see the British film industry tied up, tortured and shot than sit through another one of these movies. Utterly sickening, mainstream filth. Let's wipe it's memory off our shoes before we enter our local multiplex again.
12 Monkeys (1995)
Terry Gilliam's second best film
"Brazil" was the first real movie that director Terry Gilliam made,(his previous film,"Jabberwocky", is not remembered fondly today), and was a flop on initial release, despite being a twisted masterpiece. Fortunately , this equally brilliant study of madness shot to number one in many countries film charts, proving that we DO like "odd" movies, provided that big Hollywood stars are in them. Bruce Willis plays James Cole, a prison inmate in a destroyed future. He has a recurring dream involving an airport, someone dying, and a woman whom he has never met. A virus has decimated virtually all of the Earth's human population, leaving us living in terrible squalor deep below the ground. One day\night, Cole is "volunteered" for an experiment, which involves him being sent back in time, to find information about where the plague came from. Sadly, the scientists send him back too far, and that's where things begin spiraling out of control... This is a poetic, sometimes ironically funny film that, despite the bleak subject matter, emerges as something highly enjoyable. Brad Pitt is an over the top delight as a man who may or may not be responsible for the desolate future, whilst Madeline Stowe and Willis both deliver delightfully subtle performances. It looks great as well, veering between Gothic nightmare and crowded city streets. The music is great, veering as wildly as the plot itself. However, i don't like this as much as "Brazil", for one reason:It's not original enough. We've seen the time travel, horrible future scenario before, it doesn't impact like it should. But that's a minor quibble. As a whole, this is one of the most accomplished, scary and dark films i have yet to see. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for reading.
Falling Down (1993)
Stress relief in movie form
WARNING:MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS How do you deal with anger? In our wildest dreams, we've all wanted the obnoxious teen behind the fast food counter to be reduced to a terrified wreck, or to smash stuff up for the hell of it. Meet a man who does all this, and more. Much, much more. William Foster,aka D-Fens has a really bad day in this movie. He's threatened by a Hispanic street gang, (briefly) taken prisoner by a neo-Nazi shopkeeper, and repeatedly annoyed beyond belief at what society has become. The crux of the plot is that he's making a mammoth trek across Los Angeles, trying to reach his-ex wife and little girl on her birthday. After breaking the law by "standing up for my rights as a consumer", an aging cop named Prendergast becomes obsessed with catching him. However, what i really like about this film is that it looks at everyday life, sticks its middle finger up at it, then shoots whatever's in the way ,(the scene where Foster calmly fills a phonebox with lead after being hassled by a moron waiting to use it is memorable). This isn't light entertainment, however, so if you want cheering up, go elsewhere. Everyone else should watch this, and see the true meaning of satire. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for reading.
Alien (1979)
It's intelligent, so idiots, Go Home!
I read a review of this, which said it was dull, overrated and basically awful. The reviewer preferred "Aliens". This is a classic example of the bland film tastes of many, (mainly American and British), audiences today. This is a movie which redefined terror, that pushed the limits of set design, that wasn't afraid to make you feel physically ill, at times. We all know the plot by now, (rusty spaceship is summoned to help an abandoned planet, picks up an unwanted alien passenger, and the rest of the plot concerns the crews attempts to escape from it), which makes it both accessible and yet unknowable, expected yet still fresh. If you want a dumb, P.C, "Oh look, we're being post-modern aren't we clever?" movie, then watch most of what Hollywood's produced in the past decade. If you want something of quality and substance, watch this. And it was made by an English director! YES!!!
Brazil (1985)
If you only ever see one fantasy film, see this.
WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILERS How do you define a classic movie? By production values, cast or script? Yes, to a certain extent. But sometimes, very rarely, a truely original director comes along, takes all of the above, adds his own unique vision, and makes a masterpiece. Terry Gilliam is that director, and "Brazil" is his creation. The plot is basically "1984" made interesting,but for those of you with no knowledge of literature, here goes: Sam Lowry is a minor statistician in a heartless alternate reality. He stays sane only by daydreaming about being a winged superhero, rescuing a mysterious women, whom he has never met, but falls in love with. However, an investigation into the arrest of a "terrorist", called Tuttle, leads him into direct contact with her. To say any more would spoil the deliciously surreal, dark, and sometimes downright cruel plot. Suffice to say it contains explosions, torture, self discovery, and a truly amazing ending, (providing that your watching the European cut). What i want you to do is this. Get the correct copy in, and watch it in one sitting. Don't let your attention be drawn away from it for a second, as you'll miss a stunning detail here, or a sight gag there. The sets are awe-inspiring, the music is subtle yet effective, and every performance touches the right nerve. Pay close attention to Michael Palin's performance. I guarantee you'll never look at him in the same way again. Please, this is one of the few all time greats, and demands repeated viewing. I cannot endorse it strongly enough, but one word sums up its appeal: Babymask. Confused? Well then, watch it! And all your questions will be answered. Ladies and gentleman, thank you for reading.