Satchman Reviews

Revolver (2005)

Another Daft Flick

[5/10 · 12 January 2006]

In a nutshell, this film seems to be a poorly copied "Fight Club". Watch the movie and decide for yourself though.

The plot becomes increasingly complex as the film progresses, leaving the viewer expecting some incredible revelation come the end of the film. Don't let me spoil this film for you, but there's no incredible clincher. Just a very lame, apparently rushed end to a film that was otherwise watchable, if not a truly good movie.

We have Jason Statham being typecast once again as the hard, unlikely hero, to whom the usual labels of "good" and "bad" don't seem to apply.

Ray Liota does a lot of shouting and crying in his underpants.

Andre Benjamin plays Confucius #1. Whose idea was it to give singers acting jobs? His role hardly merits the term "acting", rather, "babbling" since all he does is spew nonsense all the way through the film.

Vincent Pastore (Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero from The Sopranos) plays Confucius #2, with the added duty of sometimes-hard-man.

There's a bit of daft, totally unnecessary manga animation. No doubt Ritchie had seen "Kill Bill" and thought a bit of manga would make the film sell better.

But credit where its due, the kill scenes are generally entertaining, Mark Strong gives a sterling performance as the hit-man "Sorter" and the camera work really is pretty slick.

After you've watched it, ask yourself...

IS there really a schizophrenic element at work here?

WHY did the three Eddies have to go that way? WAS it significant?

WHY do we need to meet Jake Green's brother? What purpose does THAT serve?

In the end, IS there any real way of deciding who Sam Gold is?

And if there is, do we really care?

If you don't want to get angry over a flawed plot, take my advice and just enjoy the fight scenes and the camera work.

Saw (2004)

*Yawn*

[3/10 · 18 January 2005]

After 80 minutes of waiting and a build up to a tension you could cut with a knife, the director gives up and decides on a "mysterious" ending which means nothing, divulges nothing and ultimately leaves you feeling annoyed and ripped off. After a complicate beginning showing two men waking in a filthy subterranean bathroom, shackled to the walls. How did they get there? Why are they there? How will it end? The answers are: it doesn't matter, you aren't told, and with a big yawn. Our two heroes, Adam and Dr. Lawrence are supposedly at the mercy of a notorious serial killer who gives his victims the chance to escape his elaborate torture chambers at the expense of immense physical and emotional pain. How Danny Glover was roped into acting in this load of rubbish I'll never understand, he must be desperate for work. Anyway, Glover plays an obsessive cop who has encountered the killer once before and is determined not to lose him again. Glover plays a very small and totally insignificant role. If he or his part hadn't been included it wouldn't have made any real difference. The director prompts us to suspect Adam, then Lawrence... which one is telling the truth? Are they really as unfamiliar with each other as they claim? Will they give in and saw their feet off in a bid to free themselves of their restraints and attempt escape? Yes, you've guessed it! -Who cares! Not the director obviously. Because all this doesn't matter a bit to the story... if you can call it a story that is. It seems hard to believe that the director's actually got a sequel lined up! Another hour and a half of abject boredom. I can't wait!

Anyway, by now you know what my advice is going to be: spare yourself 90 minutes of boredom and a mouthful of bile: Don't watch this film!

The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)

Riddickulous

[6 October 2004]

Following in the footsteps of other recent films, "The Chronicles Of Riddick" is a big budget flick with lavish special effects and incoherent babble that attempts to pass for a plot. The film is based on the original "Pitch Black" only in the very loosest sense of the phrase. Apart from Riddick there are only two other characters from the original film, continuity obviously wasn't an issue here.

To cut a very tedious and painful story short, five years after "Pitch Black" Riddick has a bounty on his head, which sends him chasing after his betrayer to discover that his betrayer's home planet is soon to be invaded by *groan* a race of mysterious powerful beings who are sacking the universe planet by planet on their way to the "underverse".

Yes, a pathetic "story"... punctuated by poorly choreographed fight scenes, pathetic macho one-liners and soliloquies from Vin Diesel and acting that leaves the air smelling distinctly of bacon. This movie is sure to be a big hit with the under 12s who will revel in the gratuitous violence and profanity.

A crying shame considering the potential the original film showed...

Unless you're insanely masochistic, I advise you not to waste two hours of your life on this film.

If its possible to hand out minus points, this film definitely merits them.

XIII (2003 Video Game)

What A Disappointment

[10 December 2003]

I played the demo at a game exhibition. The whole cartoon thing is a really cool idea and I was pumped at the prospect of playing the full game.

The story is long and tedious, its full of flashback scenes in a sad parody of Max Payne... entirely boring, no movement to speak of and totally unskippable.

The weapons stink, both shotguns are slow to reload, rendering them totally useless in gunbattles.

More than anything else, the pathways aren't at all clear, so you spend hours wondering where the hell you're supposed to go next.

A great idea spoilt by rotten designers.

House of the Dead (2003)

Painful, oh so painful!

[10 December 2003]

A friend told me about this film and I thought "cool!" I'm a fan of the game like many others and I was excited at the prospect of seeing it turned into a film. I mean, they managed it with Resident Evil, so this should be just as good, right?

Wrong.

There is no story to begin with. It's your basic people-trapped-on-an-island-government-conspiracy trash. It's clear how the director felt though "we have no story, but get enough breasts on screen and noone will notice" I mean the chest shots are gratuitous to say the least, and y'know that's the norm with most horror films, but can't we have some sort of attempt at a story? And the acting! The zombies move just like those grey things from the Power Rangers TV series. It's really pretty difficult to tell the zombies from the non-zombies, everyone has the same dull tone when they read their lines. Actually, come to think of it, the zombies are generally far more active and enthusiastic than their supposedly human counterparts.

The special effects are absolutely laughable, they really should have invested in some digital effects for this one, the latex body gear is so naff! I was shocked and stunned when I found out that the film really was made in 2003, I thought it had to be an early 90s flick at least for that low a standard of FX.

The ending is a kick in the teeth. A helicopter lands, picks up the last two victims, some government types mill around and do the whole "we're in charge thing" albeit unbelievably half-heartedly, a few lame lines are exchanged and then its off to a shot of the sea and the hero repeating a lame soliloquy about how awful it all was. ...I must say, I agree with him entirely on that point.

Sega really shot themselves in the foot by plastering their name all over this picture.

In short, I want 90 minutes of my life back!

Beverly Hills Cop III (1994)

Pathetic

[1/10 · 16 May 2003]

The third installment proves to be a continuation on the downward spiral started by Beverly Hills Cop 2. Whilst 2's plot was bearable, if not convincing, 3's plot is not only betrays lack of thought but a greed for quick profits at the box office trading on the reputation of the first film.

For a start, they kill off Inspector Todd (Foley's boss) within the first half hour of the film. Then we discover that Taggart's been pensioned off and gets only a token mention. Rosewood gets about 10 minutes of on-camera time, and whilst he was charmingly goofy in the other two films, he's just plain silly and irritating this time round. Not only that, but he only gets one pathetic joke to peddle every time he's on-screen.

This was one of a string of trashy Eddie Murphy movies. If you're a fan of the other Beverly Hills Cop movies and want to keep your blood pressure down, for the love of God, don't watch this film. It stinks!

Charmed (1998–2006)

Rubbish

[15 May 2003]

Worst load of old rubbish I've ever seen. Pathetic plots about warlocks, wizards and witches.

Three gormless sisters discover they're actually witches. That's probably a bonus, because they certainly don't have any other talents, particularly not acting.

I watched an episode once erroneously thinking it would get better as the episode went on. I discovered just how wrong I was. The silliness factor increases exponentially as time passes. Still, it could be worse... It could be "Sabrina the Teenage Witch"

So if you want to waste half an hour of your life sometime, watch this series.

On the other hand, you could save yourself the frustration, trust my judgement on this and spend the half hour of your life doing something more constructive, like watching anything (and I mean ANYTHING) else.

There's Something About Mary (1998)

Watch it or lose out!

[10/10 · 12 May 2003]

13 years ago, Ted was going to the senior prom with Mary, but following a painful accident, Ted was hospitalized and by the time he'd come out, Mary had moved away to Florida....And he hasn't stopped thinking about her since.

Egged on by a friend, Ted hires Pat Healey, a private investigator to track down Mary and get some info on her.

As Healey finds out, Mary hasn't lost anything in the past 13 years, and he decides he'd rather blow Ted out of the water than simply hand Mary over to him. So he begins spinning Ted a yarn about how fat and unattractive Mary's become.

Not satisfied with hearing about Mary, Ted decides he has to see for himself what's become of the his long lost love.

Ted just can't keep out of trouble, picking up a mentally deranged hitchhiker, stumbling over a band of homosexual gang rapists and inevitably getting himself throw in jail and roughed up by the cops along the way.

Once he's got to Florida, Ted finds Healey's not his only rival in love; a demented pizza delivery boy and others are all vying for Mary's affections. With all these men chasing her, it's easy to tell, there really IS something about Mary.

Peppered with musical soliloquies, outrageous jokes and more political incorrectness than a George W Bush speech, 'There's Something About Mary' is undoubtedly another Farrelly brothers classic.

Guaranteed to have you rocking with laughter from start to finish.

My Life (1993)

Made me reach for the tissues...

[10/10 · 8 May 2003]

Bob Jones is excited to learn that he and his wife will be having a child soon. But before long the excitement is replaced by heartache as Bob learns that cancer will probably kill him before he ever sets eyes on his baby. Fuelled by a desire to cheat fate and still have a hand in his child's upbringing, Bob starts recording a series of videotapes advising his child-to-be on all aspects of life.

Before long, Bob's video soliloquies start him wondering about his own life and his own parents.

Bob decides he has to make peace with himself and his parents from whom he's been cut off for so long.

The scenes in this film are sure to turn on the waterworks and pull the heartstrings.

A beautiful film about a difficult subject.

Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)

Shoot yourself before you think about watching it...

[1/10 · 1 May 2003]

A bland rendering of a Sherlock Holmes story... Picture this... We are in Victorian London, in a time where everyone was always calling everyone else "old chap" and being told how "dashed bally wonderful" everything is. We begin by following the young Holmes on his way to a new school in London. There he meets the young Watson, apparently bent on entering medical school (I guess we know he never got there), addicted to cream cakes and totally devoid of any acting skills. The actor who plays him is reminiscent of Harry Potter, that is, if Daniel Radcliffe was fatter, mentally retarded and had the acting capabilities of a bag of flour.

The plot thickens (along with Watson) as we meet Holmes' new schoolmaster, Master Wraith. Wraith comes across as a decent sort, keen to advise Holmes and give him a helping hand here and there. Though there's something about his good looks that suggests he must have some darker ulterior motive (otherwise he'd be the hero of the story seeing as he's far more sophisticated and intelligent than that whelk Holmes)

Soon we also meet Professor Waxflatter, mad inventor and would-be mentor to the young Holmes.

Even though Professor Waxflatter is mad as a bicycle, it seems not to run in the family. His niece Elizabeth, not only is in total possession of her mental faculties and common sense, but is -as far as Holmes is concerned- the tastiest thing since peaches and cream. The feeling turns out to be mutual (amazing what some people will settle for isn't it?) and a heart warming love story blooms that leaves you with a lump in your throat and a desperate need to find the nearest sick bucket.

Meanwhile, the evil Dudley, Holmes' rival at school is doing his damndest to get Holmes expelled. Before long, a series of deaths have occurred and Holmes is ready to camply leap into action. So, he installs himself in Elizabeth's attic flat (though we're all led to believe its in the interests of solving the murder -sneaky little devil that Holmes) and so the dynamic young Holmes and his bloated sidekick embark on their adventure, armed only with the power to look at things through a magnifying glass and saying "hmmn" and otherwise severely limited powers of deduction.

Before long, we're led into a web of intrigue, involving an ancient Egyptian cult that largely busies itself with doing unspeakable things to people and dressing up in silly clothing.

At the heart of this mystery is the evil Aytah, the leader of the cult, who came to England as a boy with his grandfather. Before long, the young Holmes has solved most of this puzzle with the air of one who has just discovered that the square peg wasn't meant to go in the round hole anyway.

Soon, we discover the identity of the "mysterious" Aytah (*yawn* can you guess?) as well as his fraternally wicked sister. Before you can say "dastardly duo" Aytah and co have spirited Elizabeth off for their evil purposes and its up to Batman and Robin to get her back -after all, Holmes hasn't had so much as a goodnight kiss from her yet.

Holmes and Watson give chase in a bicycle powered airplane (Orville Wright eat your heart out) and the score shifts to "Lassie Come Home" mode with a sound that reeks of boisterous young adventure the Famous Five would be envious of. Sadly, Holmes and Watson aren't killed in the crash landing,

Before long, the scene changes to an underground temple full of itinerant Londoners dressed in silly robes singing some sort of opera in some dubious attempt at the dead tongue of the Egyptians. Aytah comes down the stairs looking the belle of the ball in his dress and jewelry, a silly mask is ceremoniously placed on his head to complete a look straight off the cover of Vogue.

Predictably, there's a Tom & Jerry style death trap for Elizabeth that gives the rusty wheels in Holmes' head just enough time to revolve and hatch a plan Jerry mouse would be proud of...

Tell you what though, if it were up to me, I'd pick Watson for a sidekick too. He takes a thumping every five minutes in the film, but is never knocked out for more than 10 seconds and never shows any signs of bruising. Not only that, every villain that takes a swing at him is covered by a shower of rocks and rubble. Honestly, its like he's got divine protection.

On with the "plot" *sigh*... Aytah makes off with Elizabeth, ostensibly I assume for the purpose of a bit of hows-your-father. Holmes, filled with indignation at being beaten to the punch, is after the devil in a flash. The last bit worth mentioning (or not) is the final battle between Aytah and Holmes. In a curious version of sword play that involves attempting to hit your enemy's sword instead of lopping his arm off, the two battle for their lives, with various crate throwing and other dirty tricks mixed in. The ending's nothing to write home about, a good laugh by all accounts and a lesson in how not to act if you expect anyone to actually watch your film. To cut a long story short, everyone doesn't live happily ever after, but close enough.

And there you go, a pathetic end to a trash film. Spielberg really should have been shot for producing this one...

Eleven Men Against Eleven (1995 TV Movie)

Satire at its vintage best

[10/10 · 19 April 2003]

City is a small local football club with a loyal following but limited performance.

After the club coach is sacked for not being able to cut the mustard, club chairman Sir Bob Luckton (Timothy West) looks for a suitable man to fill the position.

Enter Ted Whitehead (James Bolam) a man who fulfills all the criteria for the job, loyal, committed and, above all, cheap.

Years past, Ted scored the goal that made City's fortune clinching the club promotion to the next division, now Ted has to juggle player egos and limited talent to make sure City doesn't get relegated back to the division below -all without the aid of a net...

Ted embarks on his crusade to clean up the club and reinstate the old fashioned values of the days of his own career. But while Ted is busy trying to save the club from relegation, the Inland Revenue step in to conduct a few investigations of their own in the form of tough investigator Sylvia Tench (Anastasia Hille) and they discover a few more skeletons in the cupboards than certain people -Sir Bob among them- would like them to find...

Amidst the lies, corruption, promotion deals, bad haircuts and overinflated egos, Ted Whitehead is left sighing in nostalgia wondering whatever happened to the game he loved so much. Is it really about eleven men against eleven anymore?

All Quiet on the Preston Front (1994–1997)

Another Northern Gem From The BBC

[17 March 2003]

The BBC did it again with this one. You can't help but fall for the charm of the characters and their dry Northern humour. Lloydy is probably the funniest of the bunch, taking on the role of "daft oaf" and always embarking on some half-baked dead dodgy scheme. The main character, Hogde, makes this series a very human one. His the sob story of the bunch, being alienated from his daughter -Kirsty-, the mother of whom is a wealthly local high flyer, reluctant to acknowledge their past brief moment of passion. Meanwhile, Spock is hung up over the prospect of living out the rest of his days as a dull schoolteacher and is forever seeking a way to revamp his image. All in all, one you should DEFINITELY not miss. The characters, the storyline, everything just comes together so convincingly and satisfactorily. See it now!

Red Dwarf (1988– )

I've given up on it...

[7 February 2003]

I've seen a fair number of Red Dwarf episodes, probably 20 or so. I haven't seen anything past the first byte of series VII... To put it simply... A lot of the early episodes are too underfunded and underformed to be good TV... If you've read the books, you'll hate the TV series for the most part, and probably end up hating the books too... Red Dwarf no longer appeared funny to me after series V, the writing was just pathetic. Silly jokes that weren't funny and too much attempt at growing a solid story... So I've given up on it... if only I could get the money back I spent on the videos...