rachel-673-19946 Reviews

Jurassic World (2015)

So dumb. So awesome.

[7/10 · 12 June 2015]

If I were to tell you the dubious sequence of sheer unlikely happenstance that leads to, well, the whole plot of JURASSIC WORLD, you would shake your head in abject wonder. Wonder at the downright ballsiness of the writers who decided to make coincidence their bitch throughout proceedings. Wonder at the director who pondered the laws of random chance and decided statistical anomalies happen all the damn time, not to mention consecutively and to the very same people. And then you would stop shaking your head, and simply begin to wonder: why don't I care?

After which, since I am certain you have seen the first movie, along with possibly one or both of the earlier sequels (the second being the slightly lesser of two evils, but only in the same way that Kourtney is less insufferable than Kim), you would doubtless realize why it is that all the shoddy plot-devicing, lame expositioning and cynical jump-scaring does not matter a jot. Because the first JURASSIC PARK was also full of shameless flukes and incongruous twists of fate, but you, me, we all loved it anyway. Because: DINOSAURS.

And here, woah are there dinosaurs. There are dinosaurs of so many shapes, sizes and varieties that they had to make up a whole new kind of one just to keep things interesting, because people apparently suck and somehow dinosaurs being ALIVE and IN ARMS REACH can get so very dull after a while. See, the folks at InGen, the company founded by the late demented, er, lamented impresario John Hammond have somehow recovered from no less than three deadly dino-rampages across a couple of decades – not to mention the pterodactyls that remained at large in San Diego at the end of III – and have built themselves a theme park the likes of which crazy old' Hammond could only have dreamed. Twenty thousand visitors a day, we are told not infrequently, now visit this exotic CGI wonderland on the ill-fated Isla Nublar in order to be dazzled by formerly extinct life- forms both docile and dangerous -- because, yeah, obviously. There are DINOSAURS there. No one is going to worry about that one time Newman from SEINFELD got killed when you can go hang with a Stegosaurus and be all like, whatever man.

Overseeing all of this marvel and majesty is Claire (the preternaturally beautiful Bryce Dallas Howard), a woman who has time to painstakingly maintain a shiny blowout in South American humidity but not to take personal charge of the nephews she hasn't seen in seven years. These nephews have been sent thither because there is Trouble at Home – of which we are told but honestly DO NOT CARE and why this is even a thing we are told WE DO NOT KNOW – but Claire is far too busy getting Verizon to sponsor an exhibit (hello, one of many product placements!) and engaging in a love-hate romance with heroic raptor trainer Owen (an even-buffer-than-GUARDIANS Chris Pratt) to escort them around the park. Too busy, that is, until a convoluted and bordering on impossible string of nonsense conspires to see the boys – the older of whom is Ryder from MELISSA AND JOEY, and no, you may not mock me for knowing that – lost in the rain-forest with, and you won't even believe this, a killer dinosaur on the loose.

The killer dinosaur on the loose part is actually good news for Ryder from MELISSA AND JOEY, because it is one of the few times he notices he's on an island full of dinosaurs. See, he's a disaffected teenager with Beats by Dre headphones and an eye to the cuties, so Triceratops rides and baby dino petting zoos are kids' stuff, yo. He's all about the hardcore adventuring, like recklessly taking his dinosaur-obsessed little brother deep into a restricted zone in a personal gyroscope that I hope is a real thing, and thence almost getting killed by, and you won't even believe this, a killer dinosaur on the loose.

So it is up to the sparky Claire and Owen to save the boys, and also try, and you won't even believe this, to stop that killer dinosaur on the loose from killing everyone on the damn island. All the usual suspects are present and accounted for: there's a mad scientist, a mad billionaire and a mad weapons dealer (the always excellent Vincent d'Onofrio, in a very strange choice of role). There is also a somewhat mad but lovable system tech (NEW GIRL's Jake Johnson) who is the funniest thing in the film by far, since Pratt plays his action hero lead almost entirely straight—and, somehow, with a straight face. "THAT is no dinosaur!" he pronounces sternly at one point. Riiight.

But it is actually the dinosaurs who do most of the heavy lifting in this movie, and it is for them that you really need to see it. Because you know what the other movies in this franchise were always missing? Giant dinosaur death matches! And, much like TRANSFORMERS – giant robots vs. giant robots! – and PACIFIC RIM – giant robots vs. giant monsters! – it is this spectacle that makes all the wackiness here worthwhile.

There are several reasons to see this movie. Nostalgia is definitely a factor, as is the cast, as are the stunning visual effects up to and including the kick-est-ass dinosaurs you have ever seen on screen. The only real reason not to see it is that it has so many story problems it would make a daytime soap writer working on this month's seventh amnesia plot line grimace incredulously. But really, if you like dinosaurs, and if unconscionable acts of improbable concurrence aren't a deal-breaker for you, then I'm betting you'll find JURASSIC WORLD and its killer dinosaurs on the loose so much fun you won't even believe it.

Gravity (2013)

Thrilling and accomplished, but not much else

[6/10 · 3 October 2013]

So: GRAVITY. Acclaimed at Venice and TIFF; praised by critics everywhere; brought to us by visionary director Alfonso Cuarón; and starring two A-Listers who, bizarrely, have never worked together before. Also, while not all that science fiction-y, since most of this is pretty much possible within the bounds of humanity's current level of tech—which is, in itself, pretty amazing—the fact that this serendipitous confluence of filmmaker, film royalty and film festival fanfare should fall even remotely within our purview has made this movie, and its probable awesome, a hot topic around Geek Speak headquarters for months.

Which is why I am sorry to report that it's just... it's just not that good.

Oh, it is replete with simply breathtaking special effects, and the cinematography (or whatever passes for cinematography when most of your action takes place on a green screen) is top notch. GRAVITY is also a thrill-ride of fear and dread as our plucky, if annoyingly shrill, heroine (Sandra Bullock) and her only surviving astronaut colleague (George Clooney) are left adrift in space after satellite debris attacks their orbital position and kills anyone who has not won an Oscar. But if you've seen the movie BURIED, the one with Ryan Reynolds trapped in a cave-in on the phone to a calm-voiced company rep (and if you haven't, you should, it's great) then you will get the general gist here, except that BURIED doesn't burden us with pointless and torturously sentimental third act exposition about character backstory for no good reason at all. Everyone hated AFTER EARTH (and hey, I get it; those accents were awful), but it relied a lot on the same conceit. I'm not saying GRAVITY doesn't do it better. I'm just saying, GRAVITY is kind of like AFTER EARTH—which is, I'm guessing, something no one wanted to hear.

The plot is a super simple one; so simple, in fact, that I already gave it to you in less than a sentence in the above paragraph. What remains is pretty much silence, and while that silence can be pulse-thumpingly terrifying and is used to good effect – because in space, no one can hear you scream... unless they're on the com – its cynical employment throughout is symptomatic of the film as a whole. It is all very effective, but it is not very affective. You will probably be entranced, immersed and enthralled from pretty much the outset (I'll concede, I certainly was), but when all is said and done, GRAVITY is as unrealistic, as cliché and as forgettable as any other popcorn action- horror flick – perhaps even more so. It's basically the cinematic equivalent of a carnival ride; Space Mountain, if it lasted for 90 minutes and got really boring towards the end. I think it's trying to be all metaphorical at its denouement, but honestly, when your subtext is written in such a large font, it goes from pointed allegory to outright laughable stupidity quicker than you can say "No one ever taught me to pray." (Not, by the way, the movie's cringe-iest line. There are a lot of contenders for that title – maybe it's a lost in translation thing? Like when hit Asian rom coms get Hollywood remakes and all the over-the- top humor is rendered bizarre? Because the overwrought periods of Cuarón Sr. and Jr. might not be out of place in a favorite ¡telenovela!, but they fit very uncomfortably here.) (Wait. Is that racist?)

If you are planning to see GRAVITY – and I still think you should, if for no other reason than that everyone else will – then I suggest you do it while it is still in theaters, unless your home is equipped with a 3D projector and at least a twelve foot blank wall. Because this is a movie that is pretty much built for IMAX 3D, and without the additional element of visceral terror that comes from feeling like you, too, are hurtling through the inky black night accompanied only by the panicked (irritating) breathing of a stranded human rapidly losing hope of rescue, then this movie doesn't really have a lot to offer. It's rewatch quotient is pretty much zero, as well, so purchasing it on Blu-ray is simply out of the question, even if you do decide to watch it in your hypothetical kickass home entertainment room that I now totally want.

You know what it is? George Clooney, as genial and handsome and charming as he is (and oh, he is; Bullock is excellent here, too, with way more screen time), should just stay the hell out of space. I won't say he should stay out of our genre, because THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS! FROM DUSK TILL DAWN! Hell, even SPY KIDS! But considering SOLARIS and now this, I think it is time to revoke his off-world privileges, much as his superhero license was surely incinerated after his ill-fated stint as Batman.

And as for Alfonso Cuarón – he's a truly great director who should stick to putting other people's big ideas up on the big screen. CHILDREN OF MEN was a triumph of adaptation, a movie that not only had something to say but said it beautifully. Here, the message, if such there be, is lost in the CGI, and all the while the Laws of Physics are treated like they are made of Play-Doh, which is especially ironic, given the title. GRAVITY is lots and lots of style, but not much substance, and once you leave the theater and your pulse rate returns to normal, it's difficult to recall exactly what had you so excited to begin with.

Under the Dome: Thicker Than Water (2013) Season 1, Episode 8

The townsfolk go to war over water -- plus, butterflies again.

[13 August 2013]

Sigh. After last week's glimmer of hope in a world gone dreary, this episode brought back all my disdain for this silly, silly show. My main problem with Under the Dome continues to be the general stupidity of its denizens – both those with whom we are acquainted and the general population who exist only to be cannon fodder. Even Smart Kid Joe wasn't given any credit for brains this time out, and usually he's the only one who seems like he might possibly have what it takes to even graduate High School.

Still, for all its abiding awfulness, there were a few moments that made this time I spent trapped under the Dome with the rest of Chester's Mill not entirely regrettable. For one, Angie finally decided to change her jeans! (But then, maybe doesn't. Or perhaps all her jeans look the same? Let's just give her the benefit of that doubt here, so I can stop obsessing over her basic hygiene) Also, the scene in which she and Norrie deal with the latter's loss of her Mom only *12 hours earlier* is quite sweet, if a little abrupt with the catharsis. Oh, if only all teenagers were so self-actualized that they could deal with such a massive trauma in less than a day. There'd be far less emo in the world, that's for sure.

Also good was the dramatic showdown between Junior and his father, with Norris turning in a fine piece of Acting as the distraught Jim begging for his life (and his son's forgiveness). It was also pretty clever of Junior to tell Linda that he had taken Ollie's side as a double agent all along. I will give him points for that one.

Let us also hear it for glorified extra DJ Phil (Nicholas Strong), who managed to take part in the episode without doing anything except get shot in the shoulder. Why was he here at all? Will his family members who were Marines have something to do with it? Or was that piece of exposition just a further waste of everyone's time?

And while I don't think I care for the Mystical Glowing Egg of Wonder in the middle of the Dome – if this seriously turns out to be aliens, then it may be a bit too KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL for my liking – the new prophecy given to Julia (and superseding "Pink stars are falling") is at least slightly intriguing, especially if it turns out that Angie the Butterfly Tattooed somehow does have something to do with all of this. (AGAIN with the butterflies! What is it with this show?)

Only time will, unfortunately, tell on that score, since there are still five episodes to go in this debut season, and the show has, somewhat inexplicably, already been renewed for a second 13-episode run.

Lord – or Mystical Glowing Egg of Wonder – help us.

-- Full review at Geek Speak Magazine, geekspeakmagazine.com

Sharknado (2013 TV Movie)

Deliciously Deplorable

[7/10 · 17 July 2013]

My favorite moment of this movie is when a shark comes flying towards Steve from BEVERLY HILLS 90210 and he cleaves it in half with a chainsaw. No, wait, it's a little later, at the very end of the movie: Steve has just used that very same chainsaw to carve his way out of a shark so massive it is practically a submarine, and then he shares a kiss with his estranged wife Tara Reid, and his mouth is covered in shark blood and you can just see her going "ew, that's disgusting"—and it is the finest piece of acting Reid manages to accomplish in this whole thing, doubtless because she wasn't acting at all. It truly is disgusting, fake blood or not.

And fake blood it so obviously is, as is everything about this deliciously deplorable made-for-TV film. The sharks are fake (except when they're stock footage), the effects are fake, the breasts are fake. The romantic tension between Steve and the much-younger Nova (Cassie Scerbo) is fake, the family discord is fake, hell, probably the only thing that isn't fake is sidekick Baz's (Jaason Simmons) Australian accent, which makes for a pleasant change when it comes to these kinds of things.

I keep calling our hero Steve, by the way, but of course his name is Fin (Ian Ziering) here – 'cause, get it? – and he is a former World Champion surfer ("The best surfer I've ever seen," praises one doomed character) who owns a bar on a prime piece of the Santa Monica pier. Little does he suspect that an unfortunate confluence of circumstance will soon cause him to lose that bar: an illegal shark poaching operation in the deep ocean collides with Hurricane David, closing in fast after devastating Mexico, meaning that a hundred thousand sharks – let me write that in numbers, so it sinks in better: 100,000 sharks! – of several different species find themselves swept along with a tidal wave into the Southern California shore. And man, are these sharks cranky. You know, it's always particularly hilarious in these things when the animals are given no reason at all for their blood lust… they're sharks, and so therefore they want to attack people indiscriminately, apparently. Take that, Science!

This is, of course, far from the last beating that Science takes in this movie. From the improbability of sharks swimming down suburban streets six miles inland to the outright absurdity of a helicopter hovering mere feet away from a violent tornado (sorry: sharknado!), there is very little in this film that makes logical sense. There are scenes where young Nova blasts sharks with a shotgun and scenes where she bombs them with homemade explosives and scenes where a bus full of school kids is saved from a rampaging school of killer sharks by a tenuous-looking pulley system. It's ridiculous, of course, it's ALL RIDICULOUS, and with that stipulated, SHARKNADO is uproariously entertainingly awful fun.

True, I am an outspoken proponent of just this kind of cheesy B-grade Animals Attack! movie. Whether it's old school creature features like CUJO and THEM! or the cynical-yet-awesome of MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS and its ilk (also productions of this particular "mockbuster" maker, Asylum Films), give me a freak weather pattern or an irradiated insect colony, an unearthed prehistoric beast or an unscrupulous developer disrupting migration patterns, and then set the resultant man-killing creatures loose on an unsuspecting vacation destination, and I am one very happy girl. So my judgment when it comes to SHARKNADO is not at all to be trusted, unless you too are a fan of this particular genre of dreadful. I mean, sharks get rammed by surfboards and killed by pool cues. A sappy family drama, simultaneously unnecessary and insufficiently explained, is woven into things (poor Tara Reid is given kids who are probably only a few years younger than she is; she and Fin started young), and the acting throughout is almost as bad as the directing, which is almost as bad as the CGI, which is almost as bad as the plot. What the hell the genial and accomplished John Heard (you know him; Kevin's dad from Home Alone) was doing here I do not know, except that perhaps his barfly drunkard was "as himself," and he really needs the cash to pay his actual bar tab?

Regardless, look at the title, folks. SHARKNADO! You go into this one knowing exactly what you're getting, and if you can't be satisfied with:

a) some used-to-be-somewhat-famous stars (in addition to Ziering, Heard and Reid, Simmons is known for his work on BAYWATCH);

b) a few decent quips (a door is locked; quoth Nova: "Guys, stand back. I have a key"… then she shoots out the lock!);

c) some truly insane action sequences (though at least the shark biting the helicopter is slightly more believable here than MEGA SHARK's infamous plane scene);

d) a few very questionable explosions (sure, that car was leaking gasoline… but why did it blow up?);

e) some cartoonish death throes (a guy got his arm bitten off, then his leg chewed on, and then a shark FELL ON HIM);

f) a ragtag bunch of civilians saving the day (exactly where the hell's the government in all of this?); and

g) a vague environmental message (the massive tornado was caused by Global Warming!)

… then I wash my hands of you.

Just as it is to be hoped Fin washes his mouth thoroughly before his traumatized wife tries to kiss him again, or those crazy kids are never going to get back together… which, of course, was totally the point of this whole story.

Review from GEEK SPEAK MAGAZINE - geekspeakmagazine.com

Bait (III) (2012)

Sharks in a supermarket... wasted!

[4/10 · 27 September 2012]

If you've seen its trailer, you have pretty much seen the movie: there is tsunami, a supermarket is flooded, and trapped inside it, with the water rising, are sundry photogenic young people—plus, sharks. And the sharks are hungry.

Now, I love that premise, but did NOT love the outcome. Maybe this is because I prefer my movie killer animals to be mutants in some way, and therefore less realistically menacing. Perhaps it was because it seemed I was watching this movie in company with the cast of TODDLERS AND TIARAS: THE MIDDLE SCHOOL YEARS, all of whom had forgotten to take their Ritalin. But no, it was neither of those things. The plain fact is, this movie is just BAD, and not in any kind of enjoyable way.

Let me set the scene.

Josh (Xavier Samuel, Riley from THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE), a year after the oh-so-apropos shark-related tragedy that left his best-friend dead and his relationship ended, has gotten himself a job in a Gold Coast supermarket—yes, he's living the dream. His ex-fiancée, the lovely if shrill Tina (Sharni Vinson, from STEP UP 3D), has herself a new boyfriend in the exotic Singaporean national Steve (Qi Yuwu), and happens to stroll into the store on this very day. So, too, do sundry other stock characters: the delinquent teen (Phoebe Tonkin, whom some will recognize from THE SECRET CIRCLE), her exasperated cop father (Martin Sacks), and her hapless stock boy boyfriend (Alex Russell); there's also the unsympathetic petty tyrant boss (Adrian Pang), the airhead bimbo (Cariba Heine) and her corresponding himbo (Lincoln Lewis), plus the unrepentant ne'er do well (Dan Wyllie) and his partner, the reluctant criminal with a heart of gold (Julian McMahon, whom many will recognize as Dr. Doom — and who doesn't even rate a mention on the poster, if you will believe it).

Then a massive tsunami hits this tourist surf town on the Queensland coast (which really begs the question: why would the state's tourism board have helped fund it?), and then, amid all of the luckless souls who died in the first moments of the disaster – and who then spend the next hour cluttering up the screen with their gnawed-on, surely too- quickly-bloating corpses – our favored few find themselves stuck inside the supermarket, most in the main building and a few in the garage, fending off the malevolent advances of not one but TWO 12-foot great white sharks.

Now, first of all: why are the sharks in this movie such ruthless bastards? It's never really explained. There's no environmental message of animals turned vicious due to radiation and pollution, nor a warning against Mad Science with animals made calculating and clever due to unauthorized experimentation. These sharks apparently never get full, and despite the supply of readily available convenience food floating about the aisles, they seem for some reason determined to pick off the survivors one by one, as though they're playing a video game and the humans trapped with them are opposition NPCs. Okay, message received. Sharks are innately evil. Check.

Second of all: why does everyone involved appear to be taking things so very, very seriously? This should have been endlessly amusing, all 80s-era creature feature nonsense and firmly tongue-in-cheek sly self- deprecation, like PIRANHA 3D. Instead, from the melodramatic cries of "No!", to the deep introspection, to the unnecessary back stories, to the problematic and very dubious romantic entanglements, this movie plays everything utterly straight, its leaden dialogue and pedestrian direction making what should have been giddy hilariousness into tedious drivel.

Perhaps the main obstacle to enjoyment of this movie for anyone with an even marginally functioning prefrontal cortex, however, is the fact that every character is unpardonably foolish, to the point of absurdity. Every death in this movie feels like a victory for Darwinism, and when we reach our triumphant conclusion with the predictable few left standing, there is a sense of disappointment, as though attending the execution of a serial killer only to see them survive the attempt, and thereby get a reprieve.

There are good actors in here, watchable, likable actors, and it is a shame to see them burdened with such onerous, sonorous pronouncements; McMahon is particularly beset, his unlikely hero given to utterances Steven Seagal would be embarrassed to have caught on film. Also annoying is the vast oddness of the accents in here; many of these actors are, of course, Australians who have spent years making a living by disguising themselves as Americans, but if you are going to play an Australian in an Australian movie, people, then for Paul Hogan's sake, smooth out those hard "r"s.

There ARE a couple of bright spots. One is Singaporean Steve and his cleverly-constructed shark cage; another is the tsunami, which one might have expected to look like that flood scene in TEAM America but is actually very convincing; another is the sharks, which are quite well done; and the last is Lincoln Lewis as carefree surfer boy Kyle, who is trapped in a car in the supermarket garage with his prissy girlfriend and her pampered dog and is kind of a douche – and a dim one at that – but somehow despite this comes across as utterly natural, and quite a good egg. He is undoubtedly the funniest (intentional) part of the film.

But those few instances of leavening consideration do little, if anything, to redeem the movie as a whole from its general awfulness. Not so bad it's good. Not even so bad it's funny. Just so bad it's BAD, and yet doesn't seem to know it. Which is a shame, because with even just a touch more self-awareness of its own beautiful, terrible cliché, a premise like that of BAIT 3D, especially with the caliber of character actors it had at its disposal, could have been so much fun.

– Rachel Hyland, Geek Speak Magazine

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

The zombie apocalypse just got boring.

[3/10 · 27 September 2012]

You go into a RESIDENT EVIL film thinking you know exactly what you're getting. A statuesque beauty kicking undead ass while attempting to uncover an overarching corporate/government conspiracy, and also while saving the lives of assorted, improbably well-coiffed, survivors of the zombie apocalypse. There'll be impressive feats of insane bravery, a whole bunch of wire work, slow motion replays of previous events, assorted sidekick types lost and found, the occasional fright provided by the lurking legions of the undead, and lots and lots of gunfire, all scored to a calculatedly pounding baseline you can feel all the way to your spine.

You're not expecting high art, not for a second. But neither are you, I would hazard a guess, expecting to be bored.

From the outset of this, the fifth in the franchise, that was my predominant emotion. Oh, I jumped a little every now and then at the advance of a particularly heinous zombie horde, I was able to call forth at least a modicum of appreciation for the continuing splendor of the action sequences, and there was more than a little perplexity in there as well as the tale got ever more convoluted, but almost from the moment our heroine, Alice (Milla Jovovich) began her usual deadpan recounting of previous events, her "My name is Alice, and I'm about to exposition the hell out of you people" straight-to-camera Story So Far, it was all I could do to muster any interest in proceedings.

This is a shame, as there is not a single other entry in the series that I didn't, at least on some level, enjoy. Perhaps my major problem with this movie is that it is by far the most video game-esque of all of the series thus far, and since I have never played the game, I don't really understand these scenes' appeal. Director Paul W. S. Anderson has dispensed with even the semblance of plot now, and instead is relying on the thrill of vicarious levelling up to appease moviegoers. Oh, there has always been an element of this in the movies, as is only right and proper; one should never ignore one's roots, and not throwing in the occasional sop to the gamers in the form of a subtle reference to one of the more beloved design elements would be not only disrespectful but foolish. But there is subtle homage and then there is outright cinematic LARPing; Jovovich and co. basically spend the majority of the movie as live-action Player 1, working their way through level after level, all the while shooting almost indiscriminately and surely taking hits that should have killed, or at least inconvenienced, them in all of the chaos. I swear, I saw the guy beside me in the theater flick his fingers in what looked very like someone mastering a PlayStation controller, his sense memory clearly telling him that for all of this stylized, almost ritualistic carnage to be erupting on screen in front of him then surely he should be X-Y-bumper-right-left-ing to make it happen.

The premise is this: picking up directly from where the last movie left off – and yet, not entirely – Alice is captured by the ruthless Umbrella Corporation and is due for extermination by the rogue company artificial intelligence, the Red Queen. She experiences a memory, or perhaps an hallucination, where she was married to Oded Fehr and had a hearing impaired daughter before the zombies took over the world, and when she awakens in her cell, it takes her a moment to recapture her badass. Capital-E EVIL corporate lackey Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts) frees her from her cage for inscrutable reasons (he tries to explain, but his stentorian, Agent-Smith-"Mr. Anderson"-style delivery of his every line makes it hard to focus), and then Alice and her wooden, if dexterous, new helpmeet Ada (Li Bingbing) must battle their way through the Umbrella complex, defeating the antagonists in each new room – and, of course, the hard-to-kill Big Boss – before moving on in an attempt to escape. Oh, there are other people involved here, too; some from previous movies in the franchise, some new faces, but the main objective is just to kill as many extras as possible, be they zombie or Umbrella minion or clone.

I may be making it sound more interesting than it actually is.

Then there are the performances. Milla Jovovich does her valiant best, but this is a hard plot to rise above, and it is really only when she is sharing the screen with the most abysmal of actors – and there are many – that she truly shines, if only by comparison. Michelle Rodriguez, who is way too good for this, is fine, considering the few scenes and limited dialogue she has to work with, and Oded Fehr, whom we see in this one for barely a second, is WAY too good for this, and must have really needed the paycheck -- but then, he was way too good for APOCALYPSE and EXTINCTION, and they were exponentially better films.

Most of the remainder of the speaking cast – excepting the aforementioned Roberts and Bingbing – are fairly inoffensive, and Boris Kodjoe always brings the pretty, but Sienna Guillory as friend-turned- Umbrella-puppet Jill is truly terrible, going for possessed-by- malevolent-artificial-intelligence but achieving only petulant, I-was- rejected-from-THE HILLS screechiness.

The movie ends on a cliffhanger (as has become the norm in this franchise), and for the first time I just don't care at all what happens next. So perhaps I should be happy, now cured of one of my more pointless enthusiasms of recent years. And should a sixth movie in this series be made, as seems unhappily likely, here's hoping the zombies win.

– Rachel Hyland, Geek Speak Magazine

Dredd (2012)

Judge Dredd, dispensing justice one body at a time...

[8/10 · 27 September 2012]

I feel a weird sort of shame that I did not see this movie in 3D. For this reason I really wish they'd stop including the visual format in the title of releases; sometimes it's just not possible to attend an enhanced session, and you feel like you've missed out on something, or have disobeyed an instruction, when you don't.

Of course, that is why they do it; it's a cynical marketing ploy cashing in on that ineffable sense of wrongness that comes from seeing a movie entitled "3D" in a mere two dimensions. Those of us so afflicted will therefore often shell out the extra cash for the glasses and the brain trickery; to do otherwise feels so old school, the moviegoer equivalent of still carrying around an iPhone 3.

Happily, DREDD 2D was such a good time that the lack of simulated depth perception really didn't trouble me at all.

For anyone who cannot help but associate the name Judge Dredd with the appalling 1995 edition, just stop it right now. Scrub all of that from your mind, and imagine instead that this is your first trip to Mega-City One, its sea of humanity policed by a select body of almost omnipotent law enforcers: Judges, each invested with the power to arrest, prosecute and sentence wrongdoers – and then execute them.

One such Judge is Joseph Dredd (Karl Urban), staunch, fearless, incorruptible. Into his care is placed one Cassandra Anderson (Olivia Thirlby), a neophyte Judge with psychic powers, and wouldn't you know it, on that very day a brutal slaying has the pair heading into the Bad Side of Town. Soon they find themselves in a showdown with the minions of Ma-Ma (Lena Headey), purveyor of the latest drug craze, Slo-Mo. Slo- Mo locks its users into a trancelike state in which the world seems to go by at 1% speed, an apparently popular past-time. (It does seem like a strange feeling to purchase; what, they don't have Wagner operas, hospital waiting rooms and televised golf in the future?) Ma-Ma takes over a high-rise, and it is up to Dredd and his young sidekick to infiltrate the tower and Bring. Her. Down.

(Spoiler alert: they do.)

So much for the bare bones of the admittedly spare plot; if you're looking for intricacy and subtlety, then boy is this not the film for you. But writer Alex Garland (THE BEACH) is clearly a fan of the source material, because here is a Dredd painted in broad strokes of cartoonish extravagance, and yet the gritty intensity of the original's worrisome allegory is wholly honored. The appeal of Judge Dredd is that he and his fellows are legalized vigilantes: The Punisher, but with a LICENSE to kill. The turning of a courtroom drama into an increasingly creative bloodbath is the kind of thing only science fiction currently allows – until the inevitable LAW AND ORDER: POST-APOCALYPTIC DYSTOPIA – and Garland revels joyfully in the concept, giving his Dredd a precise diction and almost lyrical gruffness.

Karl Urban, clearly having attended a master class in the Art of Gravelly-Voiced Quips at the Christian Bale School of Masked Avengers, plays Dredd utterly straight, and is utterly compelling, even as he delivers some of his more ludicrous pronouncements. Some might suggest that really anyone could have played this role, given that, as in the comic, Dredd never reveals his face, but in fact this makes the small moments of emotion Urban is able to convey all the more powerful, his outward impassiveness belied at times by only the flick of a shoulder or the quirk of a lip, saying nothing but signifying much.

Meanwhile, Lena Headey, upon whom Cersei Lannister appears to have acted as a gateway drug into evil, is captivating as Ma-Ma, drug kingpin (queenpin?) and overlord (overlady? Wow, English is sexist) of the downtrodden and addicted. As charismatic and quick-witted as she is ruthless and hedonistic, Ma-Ma repels even as she attracts, and Headey makes her cold-eyed villain somehow almost sympathetic; she is ably assisted here by Garland, who gifts her with some of the film's best, if starkest, lines.

The big surprise is Olivia Thirlby as Anderson, who pulls off action heroine in a way no one who thought of her as the weak link in the JUNO chain could have expected. (She was Ellen Page's ditzy best-friend. Remember?) All Bambi eyes and feathered hair, dialogue heavy with cliché and yet delivered with surprising nuance, Thirlby successfully conveys both gung-ho crime fighter and conflicted empath, making Anderson perhaps the most fully-realized character of the movie, and certainly the one with whom we feel most acquainted come the not-entirely- triumphant conclusion.

Indeed, in many ways, despite being its titular star, Judge Dredd is the least important cog in the impeccably-constructed, well-oiled machine that is this story. Around him, complicated shades of gray swirl enticingly while he carries forward in straight lines only – often in both deed and word – a towering pillar of rectitude and righteousness. With a really, really big gun.

Above anything, of course, it is the guns that make this movie, along with the carnage they wreak. The violence here is rampant and unrepentant; a love poem to the visceral thrill of holding the power of life and death in your very hands. It's part futuristic Western, where One Man IS the Law, but is also very much a product of today: not only a pro/con debate on capital punishment, but also a timely warning about the horrors of a police state, and the enormous influence wielded therein by a privileged—not guaranteed worthy —few. If we're not careful, that could be our future. On the upside, apparently it will be so awesome there that we'll want to live it at 1/100 pace. So, you know, swings and roundabouts, I guess.

-- Rachel Hyland, Geek Speak Magazine

Hitman (I) (2007)

Timothy Olyphant. As an assassin. What more do you want?

[7/10 · 27 April 2012]

Despite not really having been much of a gamer in the past – though PORTAL 2, and the interactive Military SF novel that is MASS EFFECT are changing all that now – I have always reserved a special place in my heart for movies based on videogames. From STREET FIGHTER to DOA, and from WING COMMANDER to my beloved SUPER MARIO BROS., the scripting gymnastics through which the production team must jump to make their First Person Shooter or Action Adventure Game into a viable feature film are ever-entertaining, and the simplistic nature of their fundamental premises (Bad guys are coming! Let's kill 'em!) at least takes all that pesky thinking out of the movie-watching equation.

Of all the many video game-based adaptations I have seen, however (TOMB RAIDER! DOOM! PRINCE OF PERSIA! TEKKEN!), Hit-man is the only one that I would never have guessed was based on a video game at all, because it transcends the usual nonsense of such endeavors and crosses over into being, simply and without question, an actual good movie.

Admittedly, when the story kicks off it's all worrisomely familiar, and therefore might lead one to be somewhat trepidatious about what is to come. We get montage-y vision of a cadre of bald, barcoded, presumably genetically-modified youngsters being raised in an institution, dressed alike and taught elaborate fighting techniques—so far, so DARK ANGEL.(Indeed – and this is almost incredible – the footage is actually FROM DARK ANGEL, which the end credits acknowledge; who says people don't recycle enough nowadays?) But instead of staging a mass breakout during a nationwide EMP and leading to Jessica Alba in leather, it transpires that the bald kids raised in this particular evil college of combat all become elite assassins, stalking their terrible away across the world with shiny guns in hand, taking out high priority targets and living lives of dysfunctional loneliness.

One such assassin is Agent 47 (Timothy Olyphant – and, yes, okay, I'll acknowledge that this is probably why I like the movie so much), a particularly adept killer who has, for some reason, been set up by his own people to take the fall on a particularly politically-motivated assassination. Why his agency would allow one of their top operatives, in whom they have presumably invested much time and money, to be sacrificed in this manner is never sufficiently explained, but the upshot of it is that we are therefore treated to action-packed assassin-on-the-run crazy fun times, with 47 making a new friend/hostage in the incredibly gorgeous person of the troublesome Nika (Olga Kurylenko) while trying to avoid his fellow assassins and the relentless Interpol agent (Dougray Scott) who has been hot on his trail for several years. (Long enough that he has developed a grudging respect for him, in the way that all fictional manhunters seem to do for their quarries.)

Meanwhile, 47 is out for vengeance on the man who caused him to be set up, and in the process of developing feelings for Nika – chivalrously unconsummated feelings, by the by, which, if nothing else, makes this movie unique in its handling of the necessary Love Interest stakes – he declares war on anyone who would harm her, as well. It's all very sweet, in a brutal and callous kind of way. There is really no other way to describe it.

Not having played the game, I am in no position to comment on this adaptation's authenticity, but as something of a connoisseur of a) action movies and b) the work of Timothy Olyphant, let me just say that I consider this to be the most successful attempt to bring the two together that we have yet seen (not that LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD didn't have its moments). Of course, this movie is far from perfect, even leaving aside any gamer gripes – I especially found it odd that this phalanx of distinctively groomed and tattooed assassins has gone unnoticed and unapprehended all this time, given how much they stand out in the crowd. Then again, they're basically The Observers from FRINGE with guns and weirdly conspicuous ink, and we all know those time traveling guys managed to elude detection for centuries. So maybe people are just dumb. But for all its flaws, of Olyphant I have only praise, and Kurylenko – wow. Elsewhere, Dougray Scott is dapper and determined, bringing the ease and aplomb to his obsessive inspector that is pretty much his hallmark.

All in all, you should definitely include Hit-man in your next video game movie marathon, or action movie marathon, or assassin movie marathon – or, indeed, Timothy Olyphant movie marathon. Unless I'm the only one who does those?

– This review first appeared in Geek Speak Magazine

Wrath of the Titans (2012)

Oh, dear.

[3/10 · 27 April 2012]

There is much that could be said here about the egregious scholarly inaccuracies with which this movie abounds. Admittedly, mythologies are, almost by definition, very, very old, and the Ancient Greek myths on which our story is somewhat based exist in many different forms, coming to us through the millennia from only a few surviving sources, all of which are inherently unreliable and invariably contradictory. Also, we're dealing with matters of lowercase-g gods here, actual personifications of nature use their great powers not for any grand purpose but merely to enhance their own prestige—and though Science Fiction has long speculated that the old pantheons may actually be based on some form of advanced life, be it alien or otherwise, there is not even a scrap of evidence to suggest that this might be the case in the realm of science fact. Therefore, to be caviling at this film for its flagrant abuses of known, though ever-speculative, legend is probably taking even my mythology-geek nitpickery a little too far.

Instead, let me tell you why it's a terrible film, all of that aside.

Just before viewing this in IMAX 3D I sat down to watch the 2010 CLASH OF THE TITANS, thereby making for myself one of the most dissatisfying movie double-bills of all time. So, having concluded the largely forgettable earlier effort mere minutes before commencing the latest installment, I was in a good position to compare and contrast the two movies, and before long I had to wonder: had anyone who worked on WRATH done the same thing? Because in the continuity stakes, nothing here makes any sense. None.

You may recall from the first movie – though I hope, for your sake, that you don't – our hero, Perseus (Sam Worthington), son of Zeus (Liam Neeson) and unwitting champion of Princess Andromeda of Argos (Alexa Davros), is forced to go head-to-head with a fearsome beast called the Kraken in order to save the city, and the woman, from the consequences of human hubris. You see, the Argosians had decided that the gods did not exist, nor deserve their worship, which has to strike one as pretty stupid in a world in which capricious beings who can control the weather and such will often show up in person to prove their cruel divinity. Zeus, outraged, allowed his resentful brother Hades (Ralph Fiennes) to go and put the fear of the gods into the people and bring them back to the fold. Perseus, meanwhile, goes on a quest, defeats assorted monsters, and along the way falls in love with the slightly-creepy Io (Gemma Aterton), who is surpassingly beautiful, brave and wise, but who is semi-immortal and has basically been stalking him since he was an infant – and who, we learn in WRATH, died after having his baby, presumably to a) make way for a new love interest and b) showcase the good sense of Gemma Aterton in not signing on for this film.

So now Perseus and kid are merrily living the life of humble fishermen when Zeus arrives and asks for his help. At some point between the last movie and this one, Perseus has become Zeus's favorite son (as opposed to someone he was prepared to kill with a Kraken; yeah, thanks, Dad), and now people everywhere have stopped believing in the gods, which means that the world is beginning to unravel. In particular, Tartarus, the prison to which Cronus and the other Titans were exiled after being overthrown by the Olympians, is growing weak, soon to allow monsters to roam the world. Turns out, of course, that Hades is helping this along, as is Ares (Édgar Ramírez), God of War, who has major Daddy Issues and a big problem with Sibling Rivalry. So, to recap: new gods losing power, old gods getting more power, humanity in crisis, and only one man can save us. He, unsurprisingly, does—with a little help from his godly family. Also, he learns to love again. The End.

Now, it could well be that there is a deeper truth to be found in here, among the over-the-top CGI, bombastic score, direful dialogue and incessant over-acting. Something about self-determination, and how the only gods that exist are those we create, or how our Creator is prepared to die for us – there really is a little something in here for everyone, whether atheist or devout, if you're prepared to search hard enough. The question is: are you? And if so, why? I mean, I am as inclined toward over-analysis of film as the next person, but any search for true meaning in either of these wretched TITANS movies is fruitless, and I intend to stop it right now.

Essentially? This movie, as little as I expected of it, delivered even less. If it weren't for the 3D, which really is very well done (unlike its predecessor's, which has become a byword for bad post-conversion), I would count this the biggest waste of my time since… well, since I saw CLASH OF THE TITANS. I will say, however, that at the very least I got a few moments of amusement out of Bill Nighy as Hephaestus, broad Yorkshire accent and all. In fact, it is in the variety of accents evident in this film that I find perhaps my only overall positive comment. Australian, Irish, several varieties from across England, plus Spanish, Italian (Poseidon, it seems) and sundry forms of American. The reason I like this is because the characters would doubtless be speaking Ancient Greek here, and so why should it matter what form their audience-friendly English takes?

Yes, that is the only thing I unreservedly liked about this film. A pretty sad indictment, isn't it?

– This review first appeared in Geek Speak Magazine

The Avengers (2012)

Best. Comic Book Movie. EVER.

[10/10 · 27 April 2012]

This, friends, is the comic book movie that all other comic book movies wish they could be. It's the pinnacle, the ultimate, the surely unsurpassable achievement in its particular oeuvre, a grand adventure full of humor, action, tension, fan service and an undeniable pathos. For anyone fearing that all the hype – years and years worth of hype – might cheapen or otherwise overshadow the final outcome, you may at last be at ease. Because the JOSS WHEDON! AVENGERS MOVIE! is exactly as good as we all hoped it could be.

Maybe even better.

The Avengers, of course, are a superhero team made up of Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Captain America (Chris Evans), the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and the Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson). Other heroes have come and gone amongst this happy few, in comic form, but here all you need to know is that this film serves as kind of a sequel to previous Marvel movies IRON MAN(both 1 and 2), THE INCREDIBLE HULK, THOR and CAPTAIN America, bringing the billionaire Tony Stark, the scientist Bruce Banner, the demigod Thor and the recently defrosted World War II veteran Steve Rogers together to fight against an invading alien threat, alongside spies Clint Barton (Jeremy Denner) and Natasha Romanov (Scarlett Johansson) and under the auspices of Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Man, it's awesome. AWE. SOME.

Oh, it's by no means a perfect film. Whedon is perhaps just a shade too in love with S.H.I.E.L.D technology, and the weight of portent which is given to some truly innocuous lines – especially the final line – feels a little off-kilter. Flashing up a computer image of Natalie Portman's Jane (Thor's love interest from his movie) felt a little like an apology, and the shadowy government hacks who attempt to control Nick Fury are by-the-numbers backroom power players of the Cigarette Smoking Man-school, ruthless and annoyingly cliché.

Everything else, though? Simply, outstandingly, without a shadow of a doubt incredible.

Just for fun, let's talk acting. All our returning superheroes reprise their roles with ease, Downey Jr. once again a delight as the arrogant billionaire Stark and Evans stoic and earnest as the displaced Cap. The award for Most Improved has to go to Chris Hemsworth, whose Thor is given a chance to rock some deadpan wit here, and rock it he surprisingly does. Johansson, of course, is gorgeous and ass-kicking as ever in her Black Widow leather, but is happily also given new levels of intriguing backstory at which to hint and play out, and her friend Hawkeye is given somewhat more to do here than he was allowed in Thor, Jeremy Renner's relaxed performance once again worthy of my beloved marksman's bow and arrow. Clark Gregg's mild-mannered Agent Coulson is adorable in his hero worship; meanwhile our main antagonist in this film is Loki, Thor's resentful trickster brother once again played with consummate creepy cool by Tom Hiddleston.

Oh, and hello again Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts! Aren't you funny and great?

Of the newcomers, I will admit to having had some reservations about Mark Ruffalo's Bruce Banner, as I had been a true devotee of Edward Norton's turn in the role, but I am big enough to admit when I am wrong: he was terrific here as the mousey, mild-mannered science guy with a chip on his shoulder, and the uses to which his Hulk was put throughout the course of this movie have almost entirely changed my mind about his place in the Marvel Universe. It was that good. Elsewhere, How I Met Your Mother's Cobie Smulders, as an agent of S. H. I. E. L. D., did a lot with a little – enough to hope we see more of her lithe and loyal lieutenant character in AVENGERS 2.

Indeed, after a rollicking, outrageous, hilarious outing like this one, who wouldn't already be eagerly awaiting a sequel? It is, unequivocally, the best comic book movie I have ever seen (and I've seen, well, all of them). More than that, it is my favorite movie so far this year – whew! I was so hoping BATTLESHIP wouldn't continue to hold that title for too much longer – and one I cannot wait to see again.

Avengers assemble, they say? Audience assemble, I say! And assemble, and assemble, and assemble again…

(And make sure you stay through the credits for the now-expected next-movie teaser… Buffy and Angel fans will be particularly happy, even if they don't quite get the somewhat obscure comic-y reference…)

-- This review first appeared in Geek Speak Magazine - www.geekspeakmagazine.com

In Time (2011)

It's all very familiar, which doesn't make it one whit less awesome.

[8/10 · 25 October 2011]

I went into this one with the lowest expectations, and boy was I wrong. For one thing, before I saw his name in the opening credits, I had no idea this was an Andrew Niccol film, and since he is the stylish, stylized genius who gave us GATTACA, suddenly things were looking up. Then, wow, this cast! Sure, I knew about Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried, but check out the rest of them: Olivia Wilde, Cillian Murphy, THE BIG BANG THEORY's Johnny Galecki, WHITE COLLAR's Matt Bomer and genre-It Kid, Alex Pettyfer. I mean, come on! How can a movie be directed by Andrew Niccol AND contain so much of the pretty AND also be science fiction and NOT be completely, exactly, entirely the kind of movie that I would love, love, love?

Want to know why my expectations were low? I'd seen a snippet of the trailer -- which just looked to me like a bunch of TRANSFORMERS-style running around the place -- and had read the basic film synopsis sent to me by Fox Studios' publicity department. So what I knew was this:

"Welcome to a world where time has become the ultimate currency. You stop aging at 25, but there's a catch: you're genetically-engineered to live only one more year, unless you can buy your way out of it. The rich "earn" decades at a time (remaining at age 25), becoming essentially immortal, while the rest beg, borrow or steal enough hours to make it through the day. When a man from the wrong side of the tracks is falsely accused of murder, he is forced to go on the run with a beautiful hostage. Living minute to minute, the duo's love becomes a powerful tool in their war against the system."

Why was I hesitant about this premise? Because, come on! How many sci-fi tropes do you want to hit? Predetermined age-limit to combat overpopulation: LOGAN'S RUN, among many others. Being able to effectively purchase immortality: Elizabeth Moon's Familias Regnant series, among many others. Falsely accused and on the run in a future, dystopian society: hello MINORITY REPORT, THE ISLAND and who knows what all else! But you know what? Much like he did in GATTACA, where he took the already well-worn path of the genetically-superior being not necessarily being superior and made it his own, writer/director Niccol brings a freshness, almost a whole new sensibility to these and the other trappings of classic sci-fi he offers up to us here. We also get action, suspense, romance, humor, social commentary, gorgeous visuals and, as I mentioned, bucket loads of the pretty -- I would pay good money to see Matt Bomer and Olivia Wilde in anything; impossibly beautiful doesn't even begin to cover that blessed pair -- and wow, what a thoroughly, unexpectedly fun, truly thought-provoking and utterly engaging time this movie was. I am still flabbergasted at just how much I dug this. I actually broke into spontaneous applause as the credits rolled. And I can't wait to see it again.

But the big question: how was JT? He was, I will have you know, excellent. I have long felt that there was something effortlessly engaging about his whole persona, whether in interviews or on SNL or in roles as diverse as beleaguered rookie cop in EDISON, Napster hipster Sean Parker in THE SOCIAL NETWORK or squirrelly substitute Scott in BAD TEACHER. He doesn't really seem to act: he just IS. Here, he is an unlikely action hero, but somehow, he pulls it off in grand style, looking simultaneously earnest, dangerous and adorable, and easily holding his own even alongside someone the likes of Murphy, whose hypnotic eyes can convey more in one blink of an eyelash than many a lesser actor can get across in an entire soliloquy.

All of the other performances are top notch, particularly from Wilde and Galecki -- who brings most of the funny in the film -- and hey, you know who else is in here! Vincent Kartheiser, AKA Connor from ANGEL! And he's not bad at all, either. In fact, he and Pettyfer are our main bad guys, and both pull of criminal cool pretty damn well.

The long and the short of it? See this film. It's entertaining, it has a message, it is a feast for the eyes, and we definitely need to be encouraging more of this kind of genre filmmaking. True, it's not a truly original piece of work. In fact, in addition to all of the other things it reminds me of, it also brings to mind EQUILIBRIUM -- not so much in its content but in the way that it is essentially a mashup of a whole bunch of established ideas out of speculative fiction, but gives them new life (Equilibrium went with BRAVE NEW WORLD, FAHRENHEIT 451, 1984 -- and also LOGAN'S RUN as its inspirations). But that's okay; I really like EQUILIBRIUM, too.

In doing a little research for this review, I discovered that the ever-litigious SF luminary Harlan Ellison is suing Niccol and various studio-types for plagiarism, given this movie's similarity to his 1965 short story "'Repent, Harlequin!' Said the Ticktockman." Having not read the piece in question, I can't comment, but considering Ellison's unrelenting pursuit of copyright infringers, one would think that if Niccol WAS to knowingly steal from anyone, he'd have picked a safer target. After all, most of the ideas in this movie can be found all over Sci-Fi, not to mention in Action, and Drama and Crime, as well.

But sometimes it's not about the provenance of the ideas, it's what you do with them. And here, Niccol has done wonders. (As long as you suspend your disbelief and go with the fact that Timberlake, Seyfried and the rest are, biologically, only 25. Luckily, Hollywood's been conditioning us to do just that for years.)

-- Rachel Hyland, Geek Speak Magazine

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

Science will be the death of us all!

[6/10 · 31 July 2011]

I've long suspected that James Franco will bring about the end of the world as we know it. No wonder he's Stephen Colbert's nemesis.

Here, Franco plays Will, an Alzheimer's researcher with a personal stake in his treatment's effectiveness. Of course, before human trials can commence, experimental drugs such as his must be tested on the creatures most closely resembling us (an unpleasant reality, but one that we must all accept as the price we pay for progress – or, instead, join some kind of militant animal liberation movement and stop wearing leather), which means apes. Which means chimps. Which means--oooh, adorable chimp baby! Chimp baby grows up, and due to the Alzheimer's drug, chimp baby grows up smart. Caesar by name (played by motion capture king Andy Serkis), he's happy enough living with Will and his Dad (John Lithgow), but longs wistfully for wide open spaces and playmates. When remanded into an improbably large and over-populated ape rescue facility after hurting an aggressive next door neighbor (STARGATE ATLANTIS' David Hewlett, in a small but pivotal role, attacked with gusto), he at first misses his human family, but soon comes to realize that, with his brains and his fellow inmates' (in-primates'?) brawn... and then, maybe, THEIR brains too... he could crown himself king of the concrete jungle.

What an unfortunate confluence of circumstance chances to unfold in this movie, and serves to bring about the apocalyptic events seen in 1968's PLANET OF THE APES! (For which, by the way, this movie is just one big spoiler. What's next? A prequel to THE SIXTH SENSE where we see Bruce Willis die?) First, James Franco goes and messes with ape brains to cure Alzheimer's... I mean, dude, have you not seen DEEP BLUE SEA? It's not a good idea to mess with ANY animal's brain to cure Alzheimer's. Then, David Hewlett has anger management issues, and is all up in John Lithgow's grill, much to Caesar's displeasure. And THEN Draco Malfoy himself, Tom Felton -- apparently typecast as kind of a douche now -- plays a sadistic ape handler who does humanity no favors at all.

Honestly? By the end of this movie, you'll believe we don't deserve any.

Sure, the film takes its time getting going. There is a long stretch in the middle where suddenly the whole concept just seems ludicrous, and you may even find yourself laughing at the unintentional comedy gold of Caesar, the chimp MacGyver. But what saves this movie from utter absurdity, among other things -- notably, the truly excellent effects from CGI wizards, WETA -- is a thrilling third act in which the apes begin their foreordained conquest of the world, one painstakingly plotted step at a time.

This is a movie that is designed to make you think, as is all the best science fiction. Whether it's a parable about racism, or a more straightforward advertisement for PETA, or a squint-and-you-can-see-it dire warning about gene therapies, or all three, there are a lot of larger themes here, without question. (Also, they threw some pandemic theory in there, just to help us all sleep at night.) And when the apes--ripped from their homes and mistreated and held captive and experimented on--get their revenge, it would take a far stronger apologist for human fallibility than I am not to cheer them on.

When the credits began to roll, I started giving the producers a whole lot of credit themselves... were they really NOT going to spoon feed this to us? Were they actually going to let us figure out the fate of all six billion humans on the planet for ourselves? But then... ah, the epilogue. No, they weren't. And here's another piece of ill-luck that dooms our race to the non-verbal, rag-clad future of the original movie: ape handler Franklin (REAPER's Tyler Labine) is a complete moron, who really should have consulted his doctor immediately, especially since he was standing RIGHT THERE. (Wait... is there a universal health care message in here, too? Jeez, movie, pick a controversy!)

I find I am conflicted about this film. On the one hand, there are some great performances -- Lithgow, Franco, hell, even Felton -- and the effects are top notch. The visceral appeal of revolution certainly tugged at me throughout, especially in that wondrous final act, and the fact that I found seeing weapons trained on gorillas and orangutans and chimpanzees so disturbing comforted me somewhat; I had been beginning to believe myself desensitized to such on screen horrors.

On the other hand, the story is quite silly in a lot of ways--really? It took Will THAT long to think of bribery?--and plays the callback-to-the-original card a few too many times for my taste. (I appreciated the clever sight-gags and not unexpected cameo, but there is one line of dialogue in here that is so completely obvious and groan-worthy it should be accompanied by a flashing "APPLAUSE" sign.)

In all, however, this is a movie worth the seeing, if only for the stunning visuals and the exhilarating liberation of a long-abused species (even if we're the ones who've done the abusing). I can at least say with confidence that RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES is far from the worst prequel movie ever. FAR from it. It doesn't do any major disservice to its original (the five sequels, or the TV series... or even the novel), and, indeed, even adds something to the overall narrative. Plus, hey: at least it's a massive improvement over that Tim Burton PLANET OF THE APES remake/monstrosity of 2001. Of which the less said the better.

Talk about your damn dirty apes...

Rachel Hyland, Geek Speak Magazine -- geekspeakmagazine.com

X: First Class (2011)

A prequel that does not, in any way, suck. Amazing, isn't it?

[9/10 · 26 May 2011]

There came a point, about half way through this film, when I emerged from the world of wonder on screen, took stock of my emotions in that instant, and realized that yes, by God, I am LOVING this movie.

I didn't really expect to, of course -- although certainly, I hoped for it. With such an incredible cast, an able director at the helm, a story of Bryan Singer provenance and the inclusion of some of my favorite, if lesser known, X-types (Darwin! Tempest! Havok!), I was eager to see this beloved band of merry Marvel mutants redeem themselves after the massive failures of X3 and X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE.

Which they do. And how!

One thing that the avid comic fan must do when approaching this movie, however, is to divorce themselves utterly from almost all established four-color X-Men continuity. Oh, some bears up, but by and large this is a whole new origin story, a reboot of epic proportions, and yet it is a retcon so cleverly done, and one that offers up a such a delicious mélange of complex relationships and sensible motivation, that all of the many discrepancies inherent in having Mystique on the side of good or having Moira McTaggert a CIA agent simply do not matter.

Speaking of McTaggert, Rose Byrne is both comely and convincing in the role, and almost every other actor is perfectly, one might almost say forcefully, cast. McAvoy brings a kind of laddish charm to Charles Xavier that he mixes nicely with both decency and naïveté, and Michael Fassbender's nascent Magneto is relentlessly, even heart-breakingly, compelling. Their chemistry is electric -- theirs' is one of the most multi-faceted and sincere bromances the screen has seen in a good long while.

The younger cast all impress, though particular praise must go to Oscar-nominee Jennifer Lawrence as the petulant but pitiable Raven/Mystique (The Academy Awards have been good to young, hot X-chicks; let us not forget that Rogue herself, Anna Paquin, won for THE PIANO). Former child star Nicholas Hoult is also outstanding as the troubled Hank McCoy, and perhaps the most surprising kudos must go to teenage dream Lucas Till, who conveys the particular anti-social asshole-hood of the turbulent Alex Summers very convincingly indeed.

The biggest letdown in the movie, acting-wise, is January Jones as Emma Frost. True, she is appropriately ravishing, there can be no denying that, but she lacks the… the zing of the written character. There is very little intelligence, snark, or even personality behind her interpretation of this most intriguing of mutants; she's just kind of Stand There and Look Pretty -- which, for one playing Emma Frost, is something a travesty.

The only other weight under which this movie really labors is the fact that it is a prequel, and it therefore suffers from the feeling of inevitability that besets all such endeavors. Anakin Skywalker HAS to go Dark Side. Bilbo Baggins HAS to find the One Ring. And Magneto HAS to turn against humans; Mystique HAS to join him; Xavier HAS to end up in a wheelchair. With these definite plot developments looming, their eventuation is bound to be a bit of an anti-climax.

And yet the fun part about X-MEN: FIRST CLASS is the journey it takes us on to get us there. Offering up plenty of surprises, some kickass action sequences, mighty fine special effects, sly humor and a killer cameo, it is without doubt the best comic book movie of the year – nay, decade – thus far. And considering how overcrowded that list is, this is really saying Something.

Huh. A prequel that does not, in any way, suck.

Amazing, isn't it?

-- Rachel Hyland, geekspeakmagazine.com

Megamind (2010)

A philosophical Nature VS Nurture debate masquerading as a hilarious kids' movie.

[8/10 · 25 November 2010]

Oh, this is the stuff! What a tremendously enjoyable movie MEGAMIND turned out to be. Sure, the origin story is profoundly unlikely and the denouement is positively unbelievable, but who the hell cares? This movie is fun, fun, fun. And Will Ferrell, as the misunderstood supervillain at its heart, is funny, funny, funny.

The star-studded MEGAMIND tells the story of a criminal mastermind who finally defeats his archnemesis, Metro Man (defender of Metro City -- or, as Megamind styles it, Metrocity) and therefore takes over the running of the town they call home. Of course, there is a reporter in the mix, one Roxanne Ritchi, who is an obsession with our supposed villain, full of moxie and earnestness and voiced ably by Tina Fey. Jonah Hill plays her infatuated and infantile camera man, Hal, with consummate blabbering skill, and his transformation into a spurned sadist by the movie's end is delivered with great relish. David Cross is superlative as Megamind's fish-like minion, the aptly-named Minion, and Brad Pitt is perfectly serviceable as Metro Man.

But the star here is the petulant and accident-prone ramblings of Ferrell as Megamind. His mispronunciations are unendingly amusing, his megalomania is kind of adorable, and his unbridled arrogance is somehow charmingly endearing. He's a lot like KIM POSSIBLE's Dr. Drakken, actually (who is also, I would point out, blue), but is a far more sympathetic character. I mean, he's mindboggling brilliant, but doesn't seem to understand what a "code" for something is. That is SO CUTE. The writing here is top notch, and it is mostly the dialogue he is given that makes this movie really pop, but there can be no doubt that Ferrell brings an instantly likable tone to proceedings that makes MEGAMIND a treat from the very outset.

How tragic, that Ferrell's best performance since Ron Burgundy should come in a movie in which he doesn't even make an appearance.

The underlying theme here is one of Nature vs. Nurture, as one of those Here's the Moral, Kids voice over wrap ups at the end makes all too clear. Redemption is possible, everyone makes mistakes, don't judge a book by its cover, we should all follow our bliss, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever, dude. This year's DESPICABLE ME also sang that song, and it's hardly the first; the anti-hero is certainly nothing new in genre. From The Punisher to Riddick to Dr. Horrible (a debt to whom Megamind surely owes a thing or two; Metro Man, certainly, is at least a spiritual heir to Captain Hammer, with perhaps a little Roger Ramjet thrown in), the trope has been very well explored. What MEGAMIND does is to elevate that concept into the kind of What Next? scenario superhero stories rarely address: what happens when there is no bad guy left to battle anymore? And what if the bad guy wins? What exactly makes a bad guy? And if bad guys don't get the girl, can being a good guy maybe get you some action? (In cartoons, the answer to that is apparently -- and perhaps a little misleadingly -- yes.) Produced by Ben Stiller, this movie also features his voice in a brief cameo as misanthrope Bernard, whose guise Megamind takes on as he woos the oblivious Roxanne. (At least it's not just him with glasses on; and we never do discover if Metro Man has an alter ego. That's a refreshing change!) Some of the movie's most enjoyable moments come about as we watch our blue-skilled supervillain begin to live his own life instead of try to control everyone else's… although, none of that can hold a candle to Minion's Oscar-worthy comedy death scene.

I have to say, I've not been previously too enamored of Dreamworks' other animated features. SHARK TALE, MADAGASCAR, KUNG FU PANDA, the recent HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON… I didn't hate any of them, but neither did they really win my heart. (And SHREK: blech.) But with this one, I am suddenly a convert to the SKG fold, and can only hope they hold true to form and decide to put out a sequel.

Called MINION.

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec (2010)

Odd.

[4/10 · 25 November 2010]

What a deeply peculiar movie. In concept, in story, in casting and execution, it is just… odd. Even odder, I imagine, for me than for audiences who got to see it in the original French, since I saw dubbed into English -- with Mandarin subtitles. So yeah. Peculiar.

Our story centers around intrepid reporter Adèle Blanc-Sec (Louise Bourgoin), one of your Rachel-Weisz-in-THE MUMMY-type lady explorers from the very early 20th Century. She has a catatonic sister, a biting sense of humor and a bizarre agenda. There is also some grave robbing, a pterodactyl, blundering French bureaucrats, the least secure prison ever captured on film (seriously, and I thought the city of Townsville's jail was easy to escape) and necromancy. Of mummies.

Adèle herself is a madwoman, charming in an arrogant, dismissive and eminently self-serving way. She is brave to the point of foolhardiness, and is very, very beautiful. But definitely mad. Anyone who could so cavalierly rob a Pharaoh's tomb and then get up close and personal with a mummy in a sarcophagus is… well, impressively single-minded is one way to put it. Crazily obsessed would be another.

In love with Adèle is brilliant young scientist Andrej Zborowski (Nicolas Giraud), who knows a thing or two about pterodactyls (I mentioned the pterodactyl, right?), and enables one of the coolest scenes in the movie: Adèle flying above Paris on one. In fact, the shots of the pterodactyl at large above Gay Paree are universally pleasing, and make up for much that is unsatisfactory elsewhere in the film.

One of the biggest failings of Adèle is the truly dire manner in which it tries so valiantly to make us laugh. Maybe it's a failure of translation, maybe it's just that, as Harry from DUMB AND DUMBER would have it, "the French are assholes", but for the most part, the jokes fall flat and the broad and obvious characterization of some of the movie's more tiresome presences -- the greedy detective, Caponi (Gilles Lellouche), the icky rival treasure hunter, Dieuleveult (Mathieu Amalric), the ridiculous big game hunter de Saint-Hubert (Jean-Paul Rouve), the comedy drunkard Choupard (Serge Bagdassarian) -- are simply groan-inducing.

The only saving graces of this movie, apart from the pterodactyl, are the reanimated mummy Patmosis (Régis Royer) -- and, yes, obviously the mummy gets reanimated, it's right there in the title, Spoiler Nazis! -- and the titular Adèle, although even she, at times, falls victim to an overwhelming need to employ some unbearable puns.

Much of the problem here may, of course, lie in the fact that these lines are delivered in accents other than the ones in which there were intended to be heard. Can I just say, here and now, how much I hate dubbed movies? (Wait, why am I asking? It's my review: of course I can!) So… I hate dubbed movies. Sure, I get why such is necessary in a children's movie… but if this is truly supposed to be a children's movie, then the entirety of France's youth should be put into protective custody immediately. Because this is not a movie for the young (Adele smokes and gets naked; sometimes, both at once) and yet, it's not terribly grown up either. I don't really get who this movie was made for at all, really. Or, indeed, why it was made at all.

Much as I have adored Luc Besson's work in the past, I must say that this one is what the kids nowadays call an Epic Fail. Although I did appreciate what I can only hope was a call back to his masterpiece, THE FIFTH ELEMENT, with one of Adele's faithful Egyptian guides being named Aziz. ("Aziz, light!") Unless that name comes from the original graphic novel, of course, and I am giving Besson too much credit for cleverness.

Which, after this truly befuddling exercise in cinematic oddity, I don't know that I shall be inclined to do ever again.

The review first appeared in Geek Speak Magazine: geekspeakmagazine (dot) com.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

So good there MUST be magic at work.

[9/10 · 25 November 2010]

The biggest problem with dividing the movie version of HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS into two parts was always going to be that the middle third of that book isn't exactly brimming over with triumphant and joyful rainbows and lollipops. Ordinarily in an episodic serial the like of this one, we tend to get small payoffs along the way to the more climactic victory, each installment coming to a satisfying conclusion even if an over-arching and meta-style cliffhanger still looms. So how, I had long wondered, would the folks at Potter Central deal with that issue? At what point in the all-pervasive bleakness of… well, the majority of THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, would they find us our moment of the happy on which to bring down the curtain, and usher in Part 2? As it turns out, they just… don't. The movie simply ends, very abruptly and on what can only be described on the biggest downer since those plucky fisherman all died at the end of THE PERFECT STORM.

Boo.

You know, it's a real shame that this sudden and most non-triumphant To Be Continued left me with such a bad taste in my mouth, because everything that came before it was simply, wondrously, gob-smackingly marvelous from start to (almost) finish. Well written, beautifully executed with superlative performances and a pitch-perfect score, this is a movie full of tension and humor and romance and drama and action and suspense and oh, so much more.

Ah, y'know what? Forget about that bad taste. 'Cause thinking back now to all the deliciousness that preceded it, all is forgiven.

From the opening scene, this movie took hold of my central nervous system and bent it to its will like a kid kneading Play-Doh. Where I was supposed to laugh, I laughed. Where I was supposed to cry, I cried. Where I was supposed to be shocked, or scared, or concerned, or outraged, I was all of those things, and more besides. THE DEATHLY HALLOWS takes you on a tumultuous emotional journey, from beginning to lamentable end, as though your heart were lodged inside that runaway flying car in which Harry and Ron arrived at Hogwarts in THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS -– after which it then gets thoroughly beaten up by the Whumping Willow.

The two hours and change of this movie fly by, and yet so much happens that, in retrospect, it seems like it must have been a longer film. And yet nothing feels omitted or rushed or glossed over… although the final deus ex Dobby was, perhaps, a little too heavily signposted.

Speaking of which, there is a lot of death in the movie, both seen and merely referenced. If you're planning to take the kids to see this one, and you have kids who frighten easily, then take my advice and don't. The later HARRY POTTER books are questionable children's fare; this movie is emphatically anything but a kid flick.

It is also, without a doubt, the best HARRY POTTER movie yet -- which is pretty impressive, considering I wouldn't have accounted the book upon which it's based even in the series' Top 5. I'll go even further and say that this may be the best movie adaptation of a book in recent memory.

Okay, so I wasn't thrilled with the ending. But upon reflection, it may just be that I wasn't thrilled that it ended it all; certainly, July 2011 cannot get here soon enough. And in the meantime, at least we have the book... and considering they were able to produce THIS great of a movie out of only the first half of it, then perhaps it's time I gave it another go.

This review is an excerpt. Full review at Geek Speak Magazine: geekspeakmagazine (dot) com