Old_Swampy Reviews

Cocoon: The Return (1988)

Definition of all over the place

[1 October 2023]

Multiple different plots, none of them interesting. They try to cram a bunch of stuff in, but don't focus long on any one thing. There's the kid who can't play baseball real good, bernie and his dead wife, the guy whose cancer comes back, the wife who gets hit by a car, the other two old people who are pregnant, wilford brimley and his wife are having doubts about leaving, gutenberg and welch's relationship, an earthquake releases cocoons, an alien gets captured and they have to rescue it, and more. Why are there so many plots, all of them maudlin?

It is laugh out loud funny when the alien looks at courtney cox. It looks like someone in a lumpy vacuum-sealed garbage bag.

I would recommend this to people who want to see a shirtless steve guttenberg in the best shape of his life and people who really like side plots.

Taps (I) (1981)

Taps? More like craps

[15 January 2023]

What a turd. In most of these type of 'greedy developers buying a camp/school that needs to be defended by the students' movies the students have to overcome a series of challenges by coming up with ingenious solutions.

Not in taps! Instead we're treated to things happening and being dealt with in the most boring way possible. The parents come. The kids ignore them. They cut off the water. The kids fill up canteens. They cut the power. The kids try to start a generator, then give up after a kid catches on fire. Kids slowly desert. We're shown the same 3 settings over and over again: the driveway, the tv room, someone's dorm. Nothing happens in any of them.

At the end tom cruise shoots the bad guy from robocop twice in the chest with an assault rifle but the old man just gets up with no visible damage. Then the main kid dies trying to save tom cruise. But it's too late. The movie is already dead.

Den of Thieves (2018)

The movie Heat wishes it was

[24 January 2018]

Den of Thieves is a great heist, action, and character movie. It's well shot and well acted. For the most part it does a great job of show and don't tell. Lots of scenes have little dialogue or let the viewer take in what's going on before the action begins. Most of all it's really good at creating tension. There are many, many scenes that give a real feeling of suspense. It was awesome. He lets tense situations build up slowly, taking his time so the suspense keeps growing. He was great at using silence to do this. He really was smart about letting the scene develop.

The director doesn't ask too much of his actors, except the two that can handle it the best, Butler and Schrieber. They were both really good. Butler has a good American accent and just chews scenery throughout. It was weird, his first scene is probably his worst and most hokey. It left me dreading the rest of the movie but he's great the rest of the way. Schrieber likewise is excellent playing his opposite, a smart, stoic thief. He also looks super cool, like a legit tough guy who doesn't feel a need to prove anything. Jackson is good as the most prominent supporting actor, very believable in his role as the gang's newest recruit.

The 3 heists in the movie are all awesome. Like I said earlier, they all are really tense and leave you feeling like you don't know how they'll turn out. Importantly, they're smart. The characters' actions make logical sense and there's nothing incredibly unbelievable about what they do. It perfectly straddles the line of suspending disbelief. It also doesn't take itself too seriously. It doesn't try to have a message or get really dark with crazy violence or horrible backstories. It also doesn't go too far the other way and try to be really funny or have a comedic relief character. It stays in its lane as a solid heist movie; no more, no less.

It's incredible to me how much better this movie is than Heat, especially considering that Heat had DeNiro and Pacino. I don't blame DeNiro and Pacino at all for that, it was all the script's fault. It was just so blah. The first heist in Heat was great, but the main one was so dumb. It wasn't intricate or interesting and ended up being a super unrealistic street shootout that just went on and on. It also took itself way too seriously with the slow-mo and super dramatic music during said gunfight without the necessary build-up to make me care about the characters involved. Obviously the reason it took itself so seriously was that they had DeNiro and Pacino in the same movie, but that's not a reason to include slo-mo opera scenes. You can practically hear them singing 'DENIIIRRROOO', 'PAAACCINNNO' when they go to slo-mo. They tried to make it as epic as it should have been, but they didn't give Bobby and Al anything to do. One dumb scene in a coffee shop where they congratulate each other on their status in life and tell each other they're not backing down, they're both the best. THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THEIR REAL SELVES, GET IT??? And then one incredibly boring, drawn-out scene where one middle aged guy slowly jogs into an airfield at night and another middle aged guy slowly jogs after him. That's it? Heat had nothing. Den of Thieves, on the other hand, stars a Schrieber I hadn't heard of and a guy best known for being a Scottish Greek thong-wearer, and delivers a fantastic heist movie with actual chemistry and tension between the main characters without ever having them sit down to tea together to spell things out for the audience. It's all the power of a good script with good direction.

Skyfall (2012)

What a letdown!

[16 November 2012]

After seeing the trailers for this movie, I was really excited. Sure, I said to myself, Quantum of Solace was nigh unwatchable but they seem to have made another great neo-Bond movie. It'll be like Casino Royale all over again!

This charade was kept up right until the scene where the guy gets eaten by the komodo dragons. Hmmm, I said, that seems like something that would happen in a later Pierce Brosnan Bond or an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. The facade started to crack. The movie kept going fairly well. We meet the super villain: he has an awesome intro and great opening lines. Then, for no discernible reason, the movie plunges straight into the toilet.

Keep in mind, up until the conclusion of the island part I was really into this movie. I was more than willing to suspend my disbelief (it IS a Bond movie) and the plot seemed to be building to a cool story. There was a gorgeous woman who needed saving, an extremely crazy super villain that needed defeating, and a mystery about a missing list that needed solving.

But for some reason the writers chose to completely abandon these intriguing plot lines they spent the entire first part of the movie developing! I noticed in the credits that 3 people wrote this movie. Did the smartest one write the first part, the second smartest the second, and an escaped chimp the ending? It was going well!!! It had a great set up. Then they just chucked it all and started again on a much worse story. The bad guy kills the damsel in distress right away, so that angles done. The missing list is never found and not even attempted to be recovered after we meet the bad guy. The super villain turns out not to be a great foe for Bond to duel; instead, he wants to fight a decrepit old lady!

The writing is just so bad after we meet Javier Bardem. Some examples off the top of my head:

-Javier arranges an extremely elaborate plan to get to M just so he can look her in the eyes, involving changing the location of Mi6 headquarters, getting caught, tricking Mi6 into uploading a virus so he can escape, having disguises and getaway cars ready for him, and rerouting a subway train through the floor at the exact right moment, all so he can...shoot M with a handgun? WHY DID HE GO TO ALL THAT TROUBLE JUST TO DO THAT? Every Bond villain ever had grander ambition than that.

-A major part of the plot until after the island part is how Bond is losing his skill. He can't run, shoot, and he may have a drinking problem. After the island this is never mentioned again

-The Scottish groundskeeper has no trace of a Scottish accent. He also steals Will Smith's line from Independence Day

-The movie turns into Home Alone at the end

-Javier Bardem can finally shoot M, then decides he can't, then tells her to shoot herself. She doesn't.

-There's no final showdown between Bond and Javier. Javier dies from a knife in the back and Bond is just standing there.

-After that anti-climactic death, M dies anyway. The whole stupid final part of the movie was a complete waste

This was one of the most perplexing, frustrating movies I've ever seen. It had a great beginning with cool action sequences and some interesting plot developments. Then it completely abandons them for government inquiries, bad guys fighting a house, long chase sequences where nothing interesting happens, and a plot to protect an elderly woman, which ultimately fails anyway. This is the worst movie I've seen in a long, long time. I give it a 3 only because the beginning had so much promise. Watch up until Javier finishes his opening talk with Bond. Then turn it off and make up your own ending. It will be much more satisfying.

Horrible Bosses (2011)

Falls Flat. Real Flat.

[25 September 2011]

I had high hopes for Horrible Bosses. It started out well. The first 15 minutes made it seem like it would be really good. The premise was alright and the first few minutes set up the rest of the movie well. Unfortunately, the joke writing was bad. There were a few funny lines, but they were interwoven into a tapestry of mediocrity. I'm pretty biased though because I don't like Charlie Day's shtick. He plays the exact same character as he does in Always Sunny, a really stupid guy who talks a mile a minute and if you listen carefully there's a few jokes in there. I don't enjoy that. I don't really like Jason Sudekis either. I find him bland and he plays an extremely dull character in this as well. You could take him out and the movie would still be mostly the same. Jason Bateman's character seems to be aware he's in a bad comedy. He doesn't really seem to like Sudekis or Day and treats all the wacky situations with a sort of slightly angry distaste.

I watched Bridesmaids a few nights ago and enjoyed it way more than Horrible Bosses. That movie also had story line problems, but it had a lot of funny parts. That's all I want a comedy to do, make me laugh. Horrible Bosses didn't really do that for me, as the vast majority of its never-ending dialogue falls enormously flat.

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)

Hardcore Hobo Action (Non-Sexual)

[26 March 2011]

If you want a cheesy Troma-esque action/comedy/horror romp, look no further than Hobo With a Shotgun. I saw this movie this afternoon and it BLEW ME AWAY! It was funny, the music was good, the acting fit the movie perfectly (meaning that no Oscars will be awarded, but the actors knew what they were doing), and it had a bunch of memorable scenes.

The guy who plays the hobo did a great job, IMO. He looked like a hobo, talked like a hobo, and had the ambition of a mega-hobo. The main female actor was great too. She added a tiny bit of depth to the movie and had good hobo-chemistry. The bad guys were all stellar, over-the-top crazy evil dudes. They were all outstanding.

My one caveat is for squeamish viewers, because although the gore in this movie is cartoonish and unbelievable, there is a lot of it and some of the scenes are graphic. If you have a weak stomach, steer clear of this movie. If you like crazy gore-fest/comedy action b-movies with good one-liners and outrageous villains, you have to see this amazing piece of Canadian cinema!

Winter's Bone (2010)

Amazing Cinematography, Well Acted, But...

[24 February 2011]

Winter's Bone is an amazingly well shot movie. The scenes of backwoods living were great, with the rusty cars, dilapidated shacks, and bare trees. The terrific cinematography really sets the mood for the movie and helped me get right into the film. I felt like I was there. It seemed very real. The acting also helps create this feeling of being in backwoods Missouri. Every character is well done and they seem like people who are really from there. The music was also exceptional and fit the locale and the mood really well. The stage was thus set for a great show...only there wasn't one. The storyline was so bad that it wasted all the great cinematography, acting, and music. It's tremendously boring, things happen that don't make sense, things happen for no reason, and then it's over.

It's sort of a character piece, but it doesn't go in-depth enough on the main character to be one.

It's not really a mystery, because the main character doesn't really solve or discover anything, she's just told the answer to her question eventually for no real reason. There's no thrilling moment of discovery or anything. It's just like "Here it is" with no fanfare and she is like "oh". In the beginning of her search, there is a feeling of suspense, like the movie is building up to something big, then when it finally reveals the answer the characters act like it's no big deal and it doesn't feel like one either.

It's not really a family drama because we never get to know much about the main character's family at all. All we know is that they get along well together and the mother doesn't talk. The main character seems to have issues with her uncle at the beginning, but after their first meeting they're friends for the rest of the movie. We never really learn anything about the father either.

I think my main problem with the movie is that the writing was weak because it was aimless. It seems like the writer started off with a good idea for a plot and then didn't go anywhere with it. For instance, near the end the uncle says he's tired of waiting, so he's going to go stir things up. He bashes in someone's windshield. They threaten him and he drives away. Nothing ever comes of this. It's not even mentioned again.

Another big problem I had with this movie is that pretty much all of the characters seem menacing, but never end up actually doing anything. In several cases they end up helping the main character after appearing threatening earlier on. Once again, it seemed like they were building up to a showdown, but nothing ever happened. Why they appear menacing at all makes no sense. They all know the main character and all she asks is if they've seen her dad. We're never told why asking this is a big deal. We're never told anything in this movie. Things just sort of happen. It's a shame because everything was in place for a great movie. This just confirms my theory that without great writing it's impossible to make a great movie.

Event Horizon (1997)

Random Scariest Movie Evah!

[30 October 2010]

I watched this movie a long time ago. Thank goodness for that, because the horror has finally receded. If you are someone who likes being freaked out and you haven't seen this movie, you need to go rent it now! Now! NOW! Sorry for yelling, but this movie is unbelievably scary. You will not be disappointed. I remember renting it with my best friend because I think we liked space movies and we were like, oh sweet, a new a space movie. Looks good. We had no idea it was a horror flick. I remember sitting there in his basement and becoming engrossed in this movie and it was like he wasn't even there I was so drawn into it. The terror steadily grew and grew and never left. The way I remember it, there were no breaks between the scary parts. It was just unrelentingly scary once it got going. I remember it ending and me and my friend just looking at each other freaked out of our minds. We both thought it was the scariest movie we had ever seen. The weird part is that I can't really remember what was specifically scary about it. I remember some parts with blood and hallucinations and stuff, but I don't remember exactly why it was so terrifying. You'll have to see for yourself. I'll never watch it again.

North Country (2005)

For me, the real story is NOT a legal landmark

[30 October 2010]

When some friends rented this and I was forced to watch it, I was far from thrilled. I'm more of a thriller, action, comedy, horror, anything but drama kind of guy. Most of the movie is quite boring. However, right at the end I discovered a story that was powerful and moving for me. At the end of the movie it is revealed that the main character was sexually assaulted by her teacher while in high school and he is the father of her son. Everyone thought her son's father was this pseudo-boyfriend she had in high school. Because of this, her father has resented her and almost seems to hate her since that happened. I got the feeling he thought his own daughter was white trash and looked down on her ever since she got pregnant in high school. The pseudo-boyfriend never said anything because he thought she was willingly sleeping with her teacher, which made him hate and resent her as well. She had never told anyone about the assault either, I guess out of shame and undeserved guilt. So all these years she had been carrying the burden of this terrible thing that had been done to her all alone. She was even more than alone, her own father was bitter against her because of her teenage pregnancy. Then at the end of the movie the teacher's terrible crime is finally revealed. The look on the father's face, as he realizes that all these years he's been bitter and resentful to his own daughter because of a terrible crime that was committed against her, was extremely powerful and moving. The guilt he felt for being a distant and unloving father, the rage at the attacker, the renewed love for his daughter, you can see him going through all these powerful emotions as the realization hits him. This is a story of the reconciliation between a father and daughter.

The rest is all background noise. Call me an old softie if you will, I found her forgiveness of her father for all those terrible years to be amazing. The bond that was broken was restored and the monster that caused it was brought to justice. It is a beautiful story in the end, even more so because of all the foulness she has to endure to get there.

Public Enemies (2009)

What a bore

[8 October 2010]

I had medium hopes for this movie before I watched it. They were soon dashed to pieces like Nancy Kerrigan's knee meeting a steel pipe. Except the Nancy Kerrigan story was interesting. I never thought they could make a story about bank robbers who lived fast, violent lives boring. Somehow, they found a way. The movie drags in many, many places in between action scenes. The pacing is horrible. There are so many long dull parts you'd swear you were watching Depp in Leaving Las Vegas.

Nothing happens for long periods of time, then all of a sudden there's an action scene. Unfortunately, the action is also boring or shot in a manner that makes watching it unbearable. The camera often zooms in too close to tell what's going on, like in the Quantum of Solace, but not quite that bad. The filmmaker also decided to shoot the movie in a grainy style, which makes it look more like it is from the 1940s or 50s or whatever, and also makes it even harder to tell what's going on. The worst part is that Johnny Depp's character thinks he's so cool and bad, when the movie makes it seem like he doesn't really do anything. There's some guy chasing him, but we barely see him at all. Mostly it's just Johnny Depp doing nothing and talking to some waitress or something trying really hard to impress her even though she's dumpy and not attractive.

There could be an interesting cops and robbers meets the Fugitive story in here, but the director instead told a boring love story: the story of how John Dillinger was in love with himself and tried to make a waitress think he was cool. This, apparently, was his life's goal. In the end, nobody cared, especially the audience. A much better period piece of a similar vein which I think also has Johnny Depp or possibly Jude Law, is Road to Perdition. If you want to watch something interesting, watch that. If you want video proof that before television, the internet, and video games the world was very boring, watch this piece of monkey crap.

Motel Hell (1980)

Not bad, says I

[4 October 2010]

This movie stars Rory Calhoun and other people less famous than Rory Calhoun. This alone should let you know this is strictly a grade B flick, if the title and cover art don't. The movie centers around Rory playing a farmer named Vincent. Vincent also runs a hotel with his brick wall of a sister, Ida. She is terrific in her role as a freaky fat weirdo. The plot of the movie is fairly standard: man uses bear traps to cause car crashes, then plants the live bodies of the victims in a garden and grows them for food. This mundane existence is complicated by the arrival of a car crash victim that Vincent takes a shine to, which leads to scary new places (for Vincent; for normal people, not so much). This is a good B-movie. It's interesting, the acting is pretty good, it has some funny parts, and it's a little creepy. If you like B-movies or Rory Calhoun, you can't go wrong with Motel Hell.