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The Assistant (2019)
Do not waste your time.
Do not waste your time. Office girl mumbles accusations against new office girl. Uses microwave. Sits around a bit. Film ends. Seriously, that's it!
We are expected to sympathise with central-character office girl because the costume/hair department gives her BAD hair and new office girl gets GOOD hair. Sheesh.
Nothing happens.
Best scene is the bloke from English dramas HR department gives her excellent advice. And if that's the BEST scene you get the picture.
Two hours of sleep is better than watching this dross.
Someone is laundering money making these films. Maybe it'll come out in a few years, maybe not. Who cares?
Pig (2021)
Worse than it should have been.
Much worse than it should have been. Slow shambling tramp (ex-awesome chef who dropped off the grid because dead wife) lives with pig out in the woods and hunt truffles, sells them to a guy once in a while. Pig gets kidnapped. Shambler starts on a revenge mission to get his pig back. Could've started with that and made a decent film, but no. Real film : shambler visits various old contacts, gets punched, has conversations, goes home. End of film.
Why not slip in some awesome cooking combat, or even ... some action. Imagine defeating his enemies by cooking better than them? Hitting someone with a LeCreuset would've been more satisfying than what we got.
How about he buys a brace of attack-pigs and revenges the sinister ... chef-implied-mafia-guy-dad?
How about he poisons an intricate truffle-dish to kill off all the bad guys?
Nothing happens.
I watched it more than once just to make sure. Trust me.
La nuit des rois (2020)
Don't just give stars.
Don't just give stars because you feel sorry for the filmmaker, the actors, the characters, the supposed protagonists.
Feeling sorry for incompetence is never a justification to award benefits.
This film is trainwreck awful, badly acted, twice as long as it should be, badly scripted and ... ridiculously badly subtitled.(probably not their fault, but French is a commonly understood language and there is NO EXCUSE. Stop it!)
My guess is that the missing LOW user-reviews weren't submitted by their authors because ... who cares? Nobody's going to read this niche stuff.
Watch the film, award stars based on how it compares to early fanfiction Rambo ripoffs from Azerbaijan on VHS in the 1980s. Better? NO.
Just. No.
Le fidèle (2017)
Good. skip the last bit.
Racing driver (actually irrelevant, might as well have been a binwoman) falls in love with some bloke who turns out to be a bank-robber,
Bank-Truck-robbery shenanigans ensue, really well done, they make this into a good film. It is a good film, don't get me wrong. When she's bald, that's when you switch off and watch ... Heat. Again.
Gangster-shenanigans affect the plot.
Main baddy-gangster is in about three scenes and seems wasted. Could've done better.
These particular bank-robbers turn out to be quite dumb and hero gets jailed, mostly because Bibi (binwoman) trusts some dippy blonde friend who turns out to have been an undercover cop. La flic, whatchagonnado?
After that the real film is practically over.
Mawkish cancer "I'm dying" stuff, something about dogs in cages, Rendezvous-inspired (the famous city car dash) end scene left me baffled but maybe because by that time I'd lost interest.
This film would have benefitted from either a massive cut of all the end stuff, or a smidgen of added end stuff just to round it off.
A love story of two characters who have no connection at all, no chemistry, and permanently blank disinterested expressions whenever they are together, including upsidedown coital scenes. (yeah, no, not sexy)
She's in everything, he's in everything, together they were meh.
And the fekkin film is NOT called "Racer and the Jailbird" you muppets!
FIDELE
FIDELE
FIDELE
Thanks for reading.
Somos lo que hay (2010)
Unique and unapologetic : title says it all.
I started out not enjoying this at all, wondering when the cannibals were going to appear. Things happened, characters were introduced and developed, slowly it became clear what the film was really about. The title says it all, and tells the story of the various 'types' quite well considering it's constrained in the normal film running time. Hapless brother ashamed of his homosexuality is forced to take over the household when his father dies. Things go bad, his violent brother is always flying off the hook making the wrong impulsive decisions. Misery of a mother always complaining, the only intelligent character seems to be the cunning sister with her facade of innocence. The 'useless cops' don't shed their spots either. Everyone acts in character to the bitter end, and there are many bitter ends in this one! (mostly with a shovel) It is refreshing to see people behave true to their personalities, and to me this is the whole point of the film. Yes it's about cannibals, but that's not really the point. I even liked the ending.
Dredd (2012)
Relieved : Proper Dredd
My little review, you see the title, that's my feeling. I really enjoyed this film, after the first half had gone by I was free of that "they're gonna spoil it, they're gonna spoil it!" feeling. Proper Dredd, proper perps, proper block, proper guns (hey, don't expect an exact Lawgiver, cut them some slack...and no ricochet! what's that about? NM), proper helmets : stayed ON. Even the story was OK. The acting was ... good, apart from (strangely) Dredd's first couple of minutes. Once he got into a proper imitation of Dirty Harry he was fine. Complaints : very few. Crappy bikes, I mean seriously puffy bikes. Fat uniforms, not skinny enough. Best actor : Anderson without a doubt.
Sly Stallone : wasn't in this film, but his gurning gob was admittedly better, sorry.
Gomorra (2008)
Endearingly 'realistic'
The acting is sometimes amateurish, leading me to think that at least some of these characters were indeed Italian lowlifes, or befuddled tailors, or $hit-for-brains druggies ... really great stuff unless you're expecting another 'movie' with an introduction, plot and ending.
I could've watched that twice ... well I think I will ... it was just on the telly. The only little bit that doesn't ring true for me was the box of peaches turnaround, you'll know it when you see it, so no spoiler here.
The moral of the story : don't live there! (and truck-driving is both riskier and at the same time safer than dressmaking)
The American (2010)
Paper-thin
I was enjoying this film until I came to the awful realisation that we're supposed to view the central Clooney as some kind of hit-man/gunsmith ... after witnessing him put together a mail-order rifle (duuuh) and make a suppressor out of tubes and washers from a dodgy garage. Now, any self-respecting hit-man/gunsmith would surely make something special that assembled/disassembled with clickety-clicks and would fit into a special tiny case and made hardly any noise. Why didn't the pretty assassin, instead of slipping him a brown packet of notes (cliche!!?) (Twice!) just go to any gun shop and buy that same rifle? It's as if the director/screenwriter read a good book and decided to remove all the parts that added up to characterisation and realism and make a tiny tiny film but stretch it over a pleasant Italian mountain town to make it look good. Thoroughly disappointing. You will enjoy this film if you like boobies, whether girls' or Clooney's. That is all.