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The Avengers (2012)
All this buildup leads to nothing.
I hate this movie. There, I said it. I watched it in theaters and came out mildly entertained but disappointed, and I re-watched it again recently, only to hate it. This is a poorly written mess whose awful writing has somehow gone unnoticed by everyone I know. To all those people who haven't seen this movie yet, let me spare you the trouble: Marvel's The Avengers, sucks.
For starters, out of the five movies made before this, I only saw three of them, and of those three, only one was actually good (Iron Man). Iron Man 2 was a boring mess, and Thor was more of the same, only with Natalie Portman, so that made it worse. The Avengers takes all these superheroes, most of which I never heard of, and throws them all together for the first time in cinematic history. An impressive feat; but if the Harry Potter movies were any indication, just because it's an interesting idea, doesn't always mean it is good. Usually it means it's total c***.
The good: the actors look the roles. Whoever cast Chris Hemsworth as Thor deserves a raise because he looks perfect. Robert Downey Jr. looks like Tony Stark, Chris Evans is Captain America, and so on and so on. The acting isn't all memorable, with Downey just doing what he does in every single movie he is in, i.e. play the annoying guy. Zodiac (great movie by the way), Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (another fun movie), and the Iron man films, there is not one character who could not be swapped out for another and make any difference.
The Bad: basically everything else. Joss Whedon, in my opinion, is a straight up hack. Never mind the fact that he wrote the god-awful Alien Resurrection, but in this movie his writing is just lazy. So many things that make no sense happen and the feeling I get is that those are things that I should overlook because "it's a comic book movie." No, why can a shield developed in the 1940s withstand the full force of a Norse God!? If this stuff was so lightweight and powerful, why didn't Iron Man make his suit out of it? Why does Loki want to take over the world when, in Thor, he explicitly stated he never wanted power? There are so many other things that make no sense, but this reviews got to end sometime
The final battle in this mess takes place in New York, and it is the most boring, least engaging battle since the battle of Chicago in Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Yes, this movie is on par with Transformers. None of the characters are likable, none of the action scenes are thrilling, the humor comes of as cheap and fails, Loki's army is the most useless army out there, etc. etc.
This movie is a disaster, a titanic failure of a film. Not just because its a boring horribly written piece of s***, but because to me it represents Marvel's laziness. They know their films make lots of money, so they keep cranking out one awful movie after another. First it was Iron Man 2, then it was Thor, now it was the Avengers, and, not deciding to wait a year, they released the awful Amazing Spiderman. These guys take less time to wait for their next product than Activision does with Call of Duty.
With the announcement of the Avengers 2, Spiderman 2, Thor 2, Iron Man 3, Captain America 2, and probably Hulk 2, I gotta ask, when does this end? When will Marvel finally just kill their entire business and stop making awful movies, or at the very least, don't hire Joss Whedon.
*Side Note: No I am not a DC fanboy writing this scathing review simply because it is a Marvel film. I am writing this because I truly detested this film, the fact that is just so happens to be Marvel is a coincidence.
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Great Movie, but it drags towards the end
2001: A Space Odyssey is unlike any other movie I have ever seen, and I'm still trying to decide whether that is a bad thing or a good thing. It's unique in it's visuals yet the film is also incredibly slow and scenes drag on for a bit too long. Want to see a ship take 5 or more minutes to land? It's here; want to see a weird laser-light show-like thing that still makes no sense? It's here too, and by god is it long! While watching this scene I got sick of the bizarre color filters used, as well as how this scene goes on for like, 10 minutes! If it isn't ten minutes long, well, it sure FELT like ten minutes long! I was taken in by the visuals of this movie but towards the end my attention wandered off. Okay, so David goes past Jupiter, finds another monolith-thing, watches a laser light show for ten minutes, then finds himself in a "Louis XVI" style bedroom. He sees older versions of himself, then another monolith appears, and he turns into a fetus-like thing in space looking at earth.
Confused? So am I.
2001 is not the masterpiece of science fiction cinema I heard it is; it's a intriguing movie that is held back by it's long length and scenes that are drawn out. Anyone willing to spend the time to watch it, give it a shot, but don't be surprised if you find yourself playing on your I-phone towards the end.
Romeo + Juliet (1996)
This Film SUCKS!
Oh my god, where do I begin with this movie? To put it bluntly, its the worst, most god-awful movie I have ever seen in my entire life! It's boring, its stupid, its everything that is wrong with adapting a play written hundreds of years ago into a modern setting.
Romeo + Juliet is a travesty, a mind-blowing awful attempt at legitimate cinema. It fails on every level: costumes, drama, characters, excitement, etc. Swords become guns, yet are still referred to as swords, the Capulets become a clichéd Mexican gang (or was that just Tybalt?) and yet somehow Juliet is not even remotely Hispanic. Romeo plays pool while smoking and uttering words like, "thee," "thy," and "thou," which incidentally is one of the worst scenes I have ever seen in a film. It just bugs the heck out of me and I can't take the film seriously.
The story is classic but not here. The film puts the Romeo and Juliet story into a modern day setting, while still retaining the original script. Leading to the infamous scene which I mentioned previously, this also leads to some rather hilarious moments when characters are meant to have a dramatic moment yet still speak in traditional English dialect.
I hate this movie, so very, very much. I hate the idea, I hate the execution, I hate the sets, the costumes, everything. I hate it.
When writing his review of "North," Roger Ebert finished his review with the now famous saying: "I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it." Couldn't have said it better myself.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2 (2011)
It's finally over, and I couldn't be happier!
Up until this point the Harry Potter franchise has been a series of mediocre film after mediocre film, with a vast majority of them being just plain awful. Part I was one of the worst films I ever saw in my life, it was dull, long, and incredibly stupid. I could not have been less excited about this film even if it had been hailed as the best movie of all time. Yet, nevertheless, I dished out the $18.50 for Imax and 3D to see this film with some friends. Does this film transcend the c*** of the other films? Or does this final installment sink lower than Part I did?
(One viewing later...)
Wow...I mean, wow, that has got to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious films I have ever seen. I mean I laughed out loud while watching this s***. On the topic of whether or not it was good, I would say it was average. It's not as god-awful as Part I was but its not as good as Azkaban. The film is just bland, that is really all I can say. Hows the action? Occasionally exciting but otherwise its just okay. Hows the actual comedy? Not funny. How's the plot? God Awful! I cannot believe just how stupid this film is! It is so full of plot holes and things that just don't make any sense. When characters get injured I just feel nothing for them. When the film attempts to be humorous, I cringe. When the film ended, I proudly stood up, and left quickly.
As many of you know, this film has the "climactic" fight at Hogwarts between Harry and his friends against Voldemort and his allies. The actual battle at Hogwarts is by far the best part but it takes up 80% of the damn film! Within 20 minutes already the battle started. There was no buildup, nothing to foreshadow the fight, it just happens. Action scenes are epic and exciting when there is some actual dread to them, like the Battle of Helms Deep in Lord of the Rings. Had the battle started later, maybe like 45 minutes in instead of 20, then things would be better, but it starts early, goes on for too long, loses its intensity, and when it ends, the movie basically ends because there is nothing worth watching afterwords.
There are just too many things wrong with this film to nail down in this one review, but trust me when I saw the following...there is no point in seeing this in 3D, the plot sucks, the action is exciting at first then dull, the characters still suck, the ending sucks, it's unintentionally hilarious, and Harry Potter as a franchise is just not good.
And so, this is how it all ends. With a awful plot and insipid characters, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II is a bland, occasionally exciting film that just has the problem of being bogged down because it's Harry Potter. If you really want to watch this film, wait till it's released on DVD/Blu-Ray.
Good bye Harry Potter, you sucked in the beginning, and you are only slightly better at the end. This isn't the worst film in the franchise, but it is just too average to really be "epic," as others have deemed it. There really is no harm in seeing this film because it really isn't all THAT bad. What is good is really, really good, what is bad, however, is also really, really bad. Hardcore Potter fans will love it, the rest of us, should just wait it out.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)
Plot holes detract overall enjoyment
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, is a film that has no right to even exist. The first three films ended nicely, with Davy Jones dead, Will Turner is the new captain of the Flying Dutchman, Jack Sparrow and Barbossa are both searching for the fountain of youth, and Elizabeth has a son and they live...somewhere and all is well. Even though At Worlds End did leave potential for another sequel, there was no need to make another. The below-average reviews did not help either. It was clear that people were done with the Pirate films, so this one is, for some people, unnecessary and unwanted.
I will admit that going into this film, I though it was going to be bad. The trailers were unimpressive, and I didn't think the film needed to be made. Yet to my surprise it actually wasn't that bad. Sure it fell victim to some poor writing, lackluster action scenes, pointless characters, pointless romances, and unexplained plot points, but Pirates 4 was enjoyable despite all the aforementioned faults.
The story involves Jack on a mission to find the fountain of youth. He is forced into joining Blackbeard's crew because of Angelica, an old flame of Jack's, who are also searching for the fountain, while being followed by Captain Barbossa. Barbossa has become a privateer in the British Navy, who somehow forgot the whole, "he was a pirate who died and was brought back to life" bit. Jack attempts to start a mutiny but it is quickly crushed when Blackbeard whips out his never explained telepathic powers with the ship which is somehow controlled by his...sword? Who knows, but this is a major plot hole because it is never, ever explained.
Anyway, the other major problem I had with this film was the romance between the clergyman and the mermaid. This side story is completely unnecessary and we don't even know how it ends. The last we see of the clergyman is that he is being dragged underwater by the very same mermaid who "loves" him. Is he dead? Where are they going? Is she going to save him like she said or is she going to end his pain by mercifully killing him? The film ends with a showdown between the British, Spanish, and Blackbeard's crew at the fountain of youth. Long story short Blackbeard dies, Angelica is upset because Blackbeard may or may not have been her father, even though he tried to kill her, and Jack strands Angelica on an island.
Pirates 4 is by no means bad, and there are a lot worse movies to see at the moment (*cough* Thor *cough*) but if you want a well written story, skip this, cause there is a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense and is never explained.
Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Enjoyably Cheesy
Deep Blue Sea is a hard movie to review. On one hand, it's fun, its intense, and some of the acting is good. However, on the other hand, its special effects are laughable, especially the CGI, some of the characters are really unlikeable, and the rest of the acting ranges from just okay to bad.
About the plot, there is actually a pretty good setup. A group of scientists are working to find a cure for Alzheimer's disease by harvesting the tissue of three genetically enhanced Mako sharks. Things quickly spin out of control and the group of scientists have to get out of their underwater prison without getting eaten. Without giving too much away the plot is actually decent for a shark movie. The character's cause is just, though I would wonder why they needed three genetically enhanced sharks when one would have done just fine. Steven Spielberg's classic film Jaws proved that only having one shark is good enough, so why they had three I do not know.
Anyway, the story then turns into your traditional monster on the loose flick with everyone trying to get to safety while avoiding the sharks. Some succeed, most...don't. The moments when a character dies are absolutely hilarious because it is when the CGI kicks in and both the sharks and the people just look awful. You feel bad for the characters but it doesn't make the moment less funny than it is.
As far as the acting goes, again it ranges. Some of the actors, like Samuel L. Jackson, LL Cool J, and Thomas Jane do the best acting in the film. Saffron Burrows and all the other characters are just okay, either they didn't have enough screen time or just paled in comparison to the three actors mentioned above.
All in all Deep Blue Sea is an enjoyable movie. The occasional stupid moment don't detract from the intensity, humor, unintentional humor, and scariness the film has. For what its worth, it's not bad, but if you are really in a mood for a shark film, go watch Jaws. But if you already saw Jaws, give this a try. Just be prepared for some unintentional hilarious moments and awful CGI.
Thor (2011)
Little Disappointing
Thor is one of those movies that, while not bad, are not that good either. It has great special effects, its occasionally funny, and when there is an action scene, it's not bad. The problem is that there are few action scenes, only three if I remember correctly. Thor is also just, well, boring. Like I said, when there is action going on, it's entertaining, and the writing is also pretty funny as well. But for a film that seems to be advertised as an action film, to be more of a superhero comedy than a superhero action film is a bad sign.
My biggest problem with this movie is the general lack of action scenes. As I said before, there were maybe only three action scenes in the whole movie. I don't want it to be non-stop action but the last two fights in the movie are pretty anti-climactic. At best the last two action scenes are only a couple minutes long. Even the final fight of Thor versus Loki (yeah, who else would have been the villain) only lasts a couple minutes and even then it's still a bit of a bore. I wished there would be more action scenes because the first action scene was actually pretty good and was a good four to five minute run time.
The story also has some problems in it that I found to be irritating. I already revealed that Loki is the villain, anyone who is familiar with Norse mythology would likely conclude that Loki is the villain. But his motivation doesn't make that much sense. It is said that maybe he is jealous of Thor but then he becomes king when Odin spontaneously goes into a deep sleep for some reason. He then plans to destroy their enemies home world which everyone opposes for some reason. I know mass genocide is frowned upon but he's doing what they wanted to have done! Thor wanted to go to war with these creatures, so when they are being destroyed why does he feel compelled to defend them? Loki is also inconsistent when he is deciding on what side to be on. First he is a villain, then he is an ally, then a villain again, then an ally again, just pick already! I also felt that the romance between Natalie Portman and Thor was forced and cliché. You know from the first minute they talk to each other how it will end up, no surprises at all.
For what it's worth, Thor is a mildly entertaining superhero flick. If they spent more time tightening up the script and improving on the lackluster action scenes, it would have been much better than it already is. If you're interested in seeing it there is no harm, just don't see it in 3D, because there is no 3D.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)
A hint of the terrible movies Still yet to come...
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was, before I realized just how bad this franchise is, the turning point in my thoughts towards the franchise. I thought that this was the last of the "good" Potter films. The last two films improved on the shitty original and they set my expectations a little higher than they would be, but does the fourth movie in this overrated franchise live up to those expectations, or does it suck more than the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (a movie that I think redefined what I view as a "bad" movie)?
On to the Story, things get to a weird start with an old man noticing that a light is on in a building. Frustrated for some reason (maybe it was trespassing or something) he goes into the building where he overhears Voldemort talking with Peter Pettigrew and some random man whose name I don't know. Already there is one big problem, how is Voldemort sitting in the chair if he is supposed to be dead? Last time he was seen he was in teenage form because of his diary, and before that he was on the back of a professor's head, so how the **** did he become the way he is? Who brought him back? When? I'm only 4 minutes in and I'm confused, god this movie's going to suck! Harry awakens because of Hermione, who soon wakes up Ron as well. What is Harry doing at Ron's house? I am happy that we don't see the Dursley's but still, they are his relatives. Harry desperately needs a haircut; in fact, everyone needs a haircut. So Harry and friends gather around a portkey, which teleports them to the Quidditch World Cup, oh boy, the dumbest sport ever conceived and I'm watching the championship games
.yay? But then, they are suddenly forced to leave as the festival is being attacked by
who are these guys anyway? After Harry and friends are attacked they are on their way to Hogwarts, which has been chosen to hold the Tri-Wizard Tournament, a particularly dangerous series of events which Harry somehow finds himself to be a part of. Joining him and Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson of Twilight fame) are girls from some school from where no one knows or gives a ****, and the Bulgarian students form the north, but to be honest these guys are so obviously Russians, they wear the hats and look like Russians so it's fairly simple to say they are Russians. We are also introduced to Mad-Eye Moody, who saves the students from the horrors of the fake lighting over head.
So we get to Round 1: Harry must get a golden egg protected by a dragon. Of course Harry gets the egg but to everyone's surprise the egg emits a painfully loud screeching sound whenever the egg is opened.
Now we get what must be in every movie with teenagers as the main characters, a dance. These scenes are kind of funny and I will admit the scenes are at least a nice gentle rest until the next action-packed round of the tournament. Harry and Ron have trouble getting dates for the dance (no surprise there, these guys are completely unlikeable), but not Hermione, who is going with Victor Krum. At the actual dance Harry and Ron both show up with their respective dates and as expected, it's awkward beyond belief. Well I would comment on how this scene is uncomfortable to watch but I'll be lying if it's probably an accurate representation of how I would be if in a similar situation. Then we're given
..bad rock music. The scene transforms from what a traditional dance would look like into a rave party complete with jumping, screaming, and lots of hands being thrown up into the air. Harry and Ron do what I would do, sit down and not do crap. Ron and Hermione bicker like a married couple (how appropriate) and the scene just sort of stops. It cuts from Hermione crying on the steps to another dream of Harry's.
Round two of the tournament: the participants must dive down underwater and retrieve something that was stolen from them the previous night. Neville gives Harry some weird plant-thing that allows him to breathe underwater, but while underwater the participants are attacked by mermaids. At least they would be attacked by the aforementioned mermaids if they did anything other than float there and do nothing. Since Harry saved two people he is given extra points and moves on to the next round.
And so we come to the final round of the tournament; the participants must go through a hedge maze and reach the trophy in the center to win, it doesn't help that this maze comes alive and will kill you if given the chance.
There is more to go one about the movie but I wanted to get the notion across that this is a awful movie! It is stupid, boring, its too long, annoying, boring (it counts twice!) and the movie is just a mess. I really wished to have one more "decent" Harry Potter movie before things got really bad but no, I was asking for too much.
Just Go with It (2011)
Very, Very Bad
Just Go With It is a horrible movie. I laughed occasionally but for the most part this is just your generic romantic comedy.
The acting was bad, really bad. Adam Sandler is the funniest but even he isn't always that funny. His girlfriend's character (I forget the actresses name) was not funny, bland, and an idiot. She literally has no character outside of the "hot blond" character. Jennifer Aniston doesn't have much of a character either. She is just sort of there, doesn't really have much of an impact on the story until the end.
And finally there are the child actors, and these are the worst. Not only are these kids not funny and annoying, but they were generally a bunch of whiny a******s. The little girl was by far the worst, with her annoying voice and her attempts at an accent, god I loathed this character and her performance. The little boy is an idiot and is totally useless, not much to say there.
In terms of plot you could already guess where this is going literally by looking at either the trailer or the poster. So you have this guy (Adam Sandler) who is used to having a series of one-night stands until he meets whats-er-name, and finally decides he wants to settle down. So he has to fake a marriage with his co-worker (Jennifer Aniston) and get a fake divorce so he can marry the hot blond. This plot is paper thin and pulls no punches. You already know how this is going to end. The hot blond with no character is supposed to marry Sandler's character but he instead falls in love with Aniston and they end up getting married.
Just Go With It is a horrible movie. Unless you like jokes with someone getting hit in the crotch (which happens about 2 times, I counted) or slow motion shots of a woman coming out of the water in a bikini (which happens twice as well) then you may like this movie. But if you want a good funny romantic comedy this is NOT for you.
Donnie Darko (2001)
Falls Apart Towards the End
Donnie Darko is one of those movies that when I see it for the first time, I have absolutely no idea what is going on. At the time of writing I just saw it for the first time, and by the end I had so many questions that my friend who was supposed to understand couldn't answer in a way that made sense. Which is a shame because this movie does have some great moments, such as the scenes where Donnie talks with his imaginary demonic rabbit friend, Frank. For two thirds of the movie I was interested in what was going to happen next, yet when the finale finally came, things fell apart.
But first lets talk about what is good about this movie. The cinematography and sets are fantastic, the acting is good for the most part, and there are some really funny scenes, like the scenes about "Sparkle Motion".
Donnie Darko is about a teenager named Donnie Darko, who apparently has psychological problems. He has an imaginary friend named Frank, who throughout the movie urges him to do bad things, like vandalizing the school, and burning down a motivational speaker's house. The plot of the movie never quite makes sense, especially towards the end. For a majority of the movie I thought that Frank was really just a part of Donnie's imagination. I thought Frank was just Donnie's innermost feelings coming out, but it turns out that Frank is Donnie's sister's boyfriend. Anyone who is an expert on this movie could explain it to me, but it is a bit too coincidental that Frank (the boyfriend Frank) wears the exact same costume as the demonic bunny, and even shows up at one point and urges Donnie to burn down a house. That makes no sense whatsoever! How can the same person be Donnie's imaginary friend AND his sister's boyfriend at the same time?! Not only that major plot hole, but the whole reasoning for why the jet engine falls into Donnie's room at the beginning also makes no sense. So apparently in this movie, when objects go faster than the speed of light they create a worm hole that somehow transports objects into the past. Confused? So am I. If I am wrong about this it is because I pieced it together form what I remember, so please excuse any incorrect information.
Nevertheless, Donnie Darko is a mildly entertaining thriller. If it weren't for the disappointing ending and some scenes that probably should have been cut, Donnie Darko would have gotten a much higher rating, but as it stands, Donnie Darko is a solid movie.
7/10
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
Improvement on the Original By Far
Anyone who has read my other Harry Potter movie reviews knows that I have been pretty cruel against this series. I despised the Deathly Hallows, I hated The Sorcerer's Stone, and I was ready to hate this movie as well. Yet when it began I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it. It wasn't great and did have some flaws but for the most part this film had a very good opening to it.
One question I have: why are the Malfoys always the a*****e characters in this series? With a name like Malfoy your not giving them much character development when their name alone sets up that they are going to be the bad guys. Draco's d*******g attitude doesn't help either.
Anyway, my first big problem with this movie is when Harry and Ron are flying the car, how come it can turn invisible? That would be pretty useful when Voldemort rises to power again, they could just turn the car invisible and run him over? It would make things so easy! Also, how does Ron know how to drive the car, let alone a FLYING car? He's what, 11 years old in this movie? Maybe 12? Whatever age he is he shouldn't know how to drive. And when they get out of the car, it starts driving itself. How can it do that? When Snape is yelling at Harry and Ron, he mentions that they allowed themselves to be seen and jeopardizing revealing the wizardry world to the general public. Yet it seems that they have no problem running into columns in general public, breaking Harry out of his house in general public, and the idea that a castle that features flying broomsticks has yet to be detected by any countries radar baffles me. This comes up again when Hermione is called a mudblood. This confused me because they say that the world of wizardry cannot be revealed to the general public, yet they allow students with parents who have no magical background to come into Hogwarts, thereby revealing the world of wizardry to the public.
Ah, and another Quidditch game. Once again my complaints that there is no such thing as disqualification makes itself known. This time it's even worse, as Harry is followed by a heat-seeking dodge ball. Not only is this clearly in violation of the rules, if there are any, but the Gryffindore players are yet again attacked by the Slytherin players who consistently attack them. Every thing I said about this stupid game was already mentioned in my last review so I won't go into it further.
And then there's Dobby, Harry's house elf. I honestly don't see the point of his character. He has good intentions but does not know how to do it properly. It was his fault that Harry and Ron did not get into the train, and it was his fault that Harry was attacked by the heat-seeking dodge ball. I know he wants to keep Harry safe but there are better ways to do it without threatening Harry's life.
After that little kid, Colin, gets petrified, Dumbledore says that the school is unsafe. Clearly he is forgetting about the forest that has the deadly creatures, and that part of the school that he said would guarantee certain death. And if the school is so unsafe, then why is it so easy for three young student to fix the problem? If it's so unsafe then the problem should be left to the trained professionals, not the young students. It may be anti climactic, but its logical, something this series desperately needs.
Harry's bad luck continues. He runs into another petrified student along with a petrified ghost. How do you petrify a ghost? He is already dead, what could scare a ghost so? It makes sense for a person to be petrified but why can a ghost be petrified? It's things like this that takes me out of the story and really hurts the movie.
The movie does pretty well until we meet Aragog, Hagrid's giant pet spider. The spider effects were actually pretty good, but it is ruined the moment it talks. How can a spider talk? It is on the same level of stupidity as a ghost being petrified.
After a series of sometimes interesting scenes we finally get to the climax. Ginny Weasley is taken into the chamber, Lockhart is revealed to be a fraud, and Tom Riddle is revealed to be a teenage Voldemort. Instead of melting Riddle's face like he did in the last movie using the b******t power of love, Harry defeats the basilisk (which looks more like a dragon than a snake) by using a sword he pulled out of a hat. The scene lasts too long and demonstrates Harry's poor swordsman skills. While this scene takes place Voldemort does absolutely nothing, no doubt foreshadowing his uselessness in the newer films. He literally stands there and does nothing while Harry kills the basilisk and stab the book, thus defeating him.
So all is well, Voldemort is gone and Harry and Ginny are free to get together in the Deathly Hallows. Hagrid is freed from prison and all those petrified are free.
So that is The Chamber of Secrets and is it as bad as the other movies? Well in some ways yes and in some ways no. It is a definite improvement from The Sorcerer's Stone, but it is far from being good. It has some plot holes, some moments that don't make that much sense, but I will have to say that it is at least entertaining. Okay is as far as I'll go. It wasn't horrible but I can't say that it was that good. I will say this however, it is easily the best of the films in this franchise I have seen thus far.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
There are so many things wrong with this movie....
I have to feel slightly kind towards this movie. After all it wasn't that bad when compared to the newer movies. That being said, it still is pretty bad. Numerous plot holes, and several bulls*** moments ruin the movie. I mean this is bad, really bad. I could literally rant on this film (and the franchise as a whole) for hours.
Now I must admit, I liked this movie when I first saw it. Nowadays, watching this movie again I can't take it seriously when there is always something that takes me out of the movie. Whether it is the terrible writing, the stupid characters, the boring plot, etc. there are almost no scenes where I have questions or find something wrong with it. The thing I do like about this movie and the other films as well is that the cinematography is excellent. The lighting, sets, and the special effects are all excellent. But that does little to save the film.
Most of my complaints would be forgivable if the story was good right? Yet this is one of the laziest and the most poorly written stories in film (and literature) history. This story has the most holes I have ever seen. For starters: how come the Dursley's don't want Harry to go to Hogwarts? Its pretty clear that they don't like him one bit, proved by the way they constantly shove him aside and have him sleep in under the F*****G STAIRS! IS THERE NO SUCH THING AS CHILD SERVICES IN Britain?! I mean for gods sake! He sleeps in a f*****g cupboard, they make him cook for them, he should sue their** for neglect or at the very least, child cruelty.
Anyway, back to why the Dursley's keep Harry away from Hogwarts, wouldn't letting him go solve their problems? They don't like him, they don't want him, so why not let him go?! It would get him off their hands for a majority of the year. Harry would be happy, the Dursley's will be happy, everyone wins.
At this point I'm only 15 minutes into the movie and already I've lost hope for it being any good. Any semblance of favorable nostalgia I have for this film is long gone.
Onto the Quidditch match, are there no such things as rules?! The teacher who started the game off said that she wanted "a clean game." Literally one minute later, two Gryffindore players have been injured at the hands of the Slytherin players. I mean seriously, one of the hits the goalie with a ball, two Slytherin players force one Gryffindore player into one of the f*****g towers, falling down it onto the field from what could be dozens of feet in the air while flying at relatively fast speeds. Is there no such thing as a disqualification?! Players must have a clean game but are free to hit and severely injure players as much as they wish. I guess if they don't kill them than its okay (sarcasm). The whole Quidditch scene baffled me. It made no sense and was incredibly stupid as a whole.
I feel this would be a good time to talk about the characters. First I want to rant about Hermione. It's established that her parents are muggles. If that's true, then how the f*** did she get into Hogwarts? If her parents are not aware of the school than how did she get in? If her parents are aware, than that must mean other parents are aware as well, if so, then how come Hogwarts isn't getting flooded with people trying to get in? It would make the selection process much more prestigious and to be accepted would mean great things about your family. Yet this possibility is immediately negated when Harry is trying to get to Platform 9 3/4 when the worker there knows nothing about the platform. (*Note: I am about to rant on this scene). When Harry meets Ron and they go to the platform, how does no one see them at all? One guy walks right past one of the Weasley kids goes running into the wall and vanishes into thin air. HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE THAT?! HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE PEOPLE RUNNING INTO WALLS AND DISAPPEARING AND NOT F*****G NOTICE?! THERE'S SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF AND THEN THERE'S INSULTING MY F*****G INTELLIGENCE! Then there is our main villain, Voldemort. Aside from having the stupidest name for a villain in history, his motivation is that he is just a power hungry a*****e, nothing more.
There is so much wrong with this movie, I could go on for another ten minutes, but if you're still reading this then I will finish this up.
The ending of this movie makes no sense whatsoever. When Harry goes into that room with Professor Quirrell in it, Harry finally sees Voldemort for the first time, and we see Voldemort on the back of Quirrell's head. Not only is this effect laughable, it's downright stupid. Voldemort looks just as silly as he does in the newer movies, and not the least bit intimidating. Anyway, when Harry refuses Voldemort's promise of power, he sends Quirrell to attack. Yet, when Harry touches him, his hand melts in a way similar to that of acid. At first I thought it was because Harry was an alien from Ridley Scott's classic film, Alien, but no, that would have been cool. Instead, it is all because of love. Love from Harry's mother who died to save him...WHAT?! IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF F*****G LOVE? THAT IS SO STUPID IT BLOWS MY MIND! F*** THIS MOVIE! It's a stupid, idiotic mess of a movie with terrible writing and stupid characters. I hated nearly every scene in this movie. If it weren't for Alan Rickman and the good cinematography, I would award this with a much lower score, but as it stands, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is a 4/10.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)
Boring, Boring, Boring!
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince flat out sucks! It has very little redeeming factors to it, its too long and its boring. I will never understand how the filmmakers turned what was actually an okay book into a film this boring. I read the Half-Blood Prince book, and I actually liked it. I liked the dark turn the books had taken (before f*****g it up with the Deathly Hallows), and the death of Dumbledore was actually dramatic and actually elicited an emotional response from me. It wasn't a great book, I felt that the plot delved a bit too deep into the relationships amongst the characters (or was that the Order of the Phoenix? Either way it slowed things down), and I also didn't really find the book that exciting until the ending, that is where things got good. The movie, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. Things did not get good towards the end, if anything, it got worse! The Half-Blood Prince is what happens when a book that had so much background to it that when turned into a film, the filmmakers need to keep things moving while still telling a good story and have it exciting. This movie didn't do that at all. It was boring, from beginning to end, nothing but boring, dreadfully slow scenes that nearly put me to sleep. Not only that, but the many scenes regarding the relationships were so bad that I didn't feel that the characters didn't actually like each other, the only reason they do is because the plot requires them too. For example: Ginny Weasley is supposedly going to be Harry Potter's girlfriend, but her character is so bland and the actress didn't really do a good enough job to make it look like she actually did like Harry. She stares at him with an uninterested look in her eyes, one that says to me, "Why does the script require me to fall for this guy?" Its painful to watch, and only serves to kill 5 minutes.
The rest of the cast is hit-or-miss. Alan Rickman as Severus Snape, as always, is brilliant. He is the one cool character and I don't think it is because he is well written. It's because it's Alan Rickman! He is always fun to watch on screen! Whether it is Galaxy Quest, or...any of the other Harry Potter films, Alan Rickman always does a great job. However the rest of the cast is nothing spectacular. I already mentioned how bland Ginny Weasley is so I won't talk about her again, but everyone in this movie just doesn't work. Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange is so over the top that she comes off as hilarious! I know she is meant to be psychotic and all that good stuff, but...look at her! Her character isn't subtle at all! She cackles and laughs manically whenever she is on screen and I found her more annoying and funny rather than frightening. The cast of this movie may have good actors/actresses lined up, but it's ultimately the characters that fall flat. They either are completely useless, or so obviously evil that whenever someone thinks they are not one of the death eaters I feel like shaking them relentlessly shouting, "HELLO! HOW STUPID ARE YOU!? Look at this guy! He has no nose, no hair, no visible human traits aside from the fact he looks somewhat human!" In case you didn't know, I was talking about the evil lord snake-face, I mean, Voldemort.
Onto the plot, and trust me, this is where I REALLY started to loathe this film. It does so much yet succeeds at doing nothing at all. I watched this movie in a trance, trying to remember what happened and why. After some time I eventually just gave up, mainly because when I asked myself, "Why," I realized that there was no reason why. Nothing happens in this movie! It was so boring that I almost couldn't believe it. What are they doing now? Oh, absolutely nothing. What now? Oh, they are trying to find this item for reasons I forgot about and didn't really care about in the first place. Why is this drink that Dumbledore is drinking making him progressively weaker? Why are there zombie-like creatures rising up from the water? What is going on? What are those things, why should I care? The answer to the last question is I shouldn't. Only hardcore Potter fans will truly know what is going on, the rest of us is left confused, or was that just me? What's going on now? Oh, the death eaters have invaded Hogwarts, oh no! That should be dramatic, but it really isn't. What just happened, oh wait, Draco Malfoy couldn't grow a pair and kill Dumbledore, he just stood there crying like a little b**** until the only cool character had to do the deed himself. This was the worst insult of all, Dumbledoofus' death wasn't dramatic, period. It happened, was incredibly boring, and went, and that was it.
This is a movie that I just love to hate. I take great joy in ripping this movie to shreds because I feel that I must have revenge. Revenge against having a series of once okay books turned into movies that started off well, then turned to c***. It pains me to see a franchise that I actually once liked (contrary to my review of the Deathly Hallows Part 1 movie) be turned into this. The problem is that while I did like the franchise initially, it's the awful conclusion and the awful recent movies that turned me against Harry Potter. I wanted to like this movie, I really did, but, sadly, the movie failed. Harry Potter, I hate to say this, but you failed!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1 (2010)
Absolutely Awful!
Congratulations Baz Luhrmann's Romeo & Juliet, you've just been out-sucked! The new reigning champion of awful movies is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1! No longer shall you have the honor of being deemed (by unanimous vote of one) the worst movie of all time, now you are a close second to this utter abomination of a film! Congratulations to David Yates and the entire cast & crew of this piece of s***, you made the worst film of all time! I would give you a trophy, but I think robbing me of 2 1/2 hours of my life is enough punishment for one lifetime.
Harry Potter 7 Part 1, is so bad, so god-awful, that I can't even come up with a way to describe its awfulness without: A) insulting its fans, B) hating on the series as a whole, and C) talk about my desire to burn every DVD/Blu-Ray copy of this movie I will get my hands on. I hate this film that much! From beginning to end, Harry Potter 7 Part 1 is one poor excuse for an action scene after another, and all of the supposedly dramatic scenes, such as the death of Hedwig and Dobby, are so stupid and so poorly handled that I found myself laughing rather than feeling sad. The story is at such a slow pace, I found myself falling asleep, and at one point, I found myself looking over to my friends with whom I watched this mess, and they were both on their Iphones, no doubt implicating at how boring this movie is.
While on the topic of boredom, is it really asking too much to want a good action scene? I could barely get pasted all of the fast editing, and (in one instance) the shaky camera that gives the illusion of a fast, intense action scene, when in reality its a sign of laziness. I could barely get pasted the painfully slow camping scenes, the pointless dance scene (though it did provide one unintentionally hilarious moment where Harry is trying to dance with Hermione and she looks at him with no interest or sign of emotion whatsoever. She seriously looks at him as if trying to say, "Harry, f*** off!"), and the horrible climax that doesn't make any sense or show any traces of excitement. I also noted some blatant rip-offs from another popular fantasy-epic series of films, the Lord of the Rings. Stop me if this sounds familiar: a small piece of metal that when worn, turns the wearer into a jerk. If you aren't thinking about the One Ring from the Lord of the Rings, then you may have not been able to remember those movies, or just didn't care.
Oh, and to give a pretty good idea at how the movie is, I recommend watching the Bum Review from ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com because it is hilarious, and brings up several good points. I have a different opinion from the critic, but that doesn't stop it from being hilarious. Warning: it does contain spoilers.
Anyway, back to this poor excuse for a film. I have one question, Why kill Hedwig the owl? He didn't do anything, and when he dies, why didn't the death eater who killed him kill Harry? He just looks at him, he could have finished him right there, Harry was busy driving the motorcycle, he was open, why didn't you f*****g finish him?! It's moments like that that really infuriate me because it reminds me at how hopelessly stupid these characters are and their petty "accomplishments" that end up accomplishing nothing. For example: when Snape(who wasn't in the movie enough, seriously, only a 5 minute scene?!) says that the Ministry of Magic has been successfully taken over, I literally thought to myself: "What? That organization that did absolutely nothing and was run by idiots? Yeah, it WOULD be easy to take over!"
I could go on and on, but in summary, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 is such an abomination, such a colossal failure of a film, that I get infuriated just thinking about it. It fails on nearly every level and the only glimpses of happiness that I get from this movie is the fact that there is only one left, one, single, probably bad, movie left. When it comes out, I will be ecstatic, since this will be the last of a awful franchise.