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The Zombie Diaries (2006)
Save your precious time and cash for a movie which deserves it.
This is a movie so irredeemably lousy, the only reason I feel inspired to put up a review is to try and save somebody else the time and cash which could be better spent on something more worthy.
Feeble acting, weak "plot" and scene after scene of watching unsympathetic characters doing things which make you shout, "you just wouldn't do that"! at the screen - it's an endless, joyless piece of junk.
As a student film done by teenagers, this would be fine. As something made by adults, it is an insult to its audience. I won't repeat all the points made by the other reviews - but simply add another voice to the chorus saying:
DON'T BOTHER WATCHING THIS RUBBISH
Prometheus (2012)
Was it Bring Your Kids To Work Day at the studio?
If The Archers on BBC Radio 4, billed as "an everyday story of country folk" has an Agricultural Consultant credited at the end of every episode, why couldn't the producers of this, a $130m movie, at least have asked a primary school Physics student if the science looked a bit dodgy? They'd probably have done it for a couple of Mars bars.
Surely the cheapest part of virtually every blockbuster is the script. A five-year-old could point out the holes in this one with one finger up their nose and half an eye on the Teletubbies.
Why can't film-makers, with a few notable exceptions like Duncan Jones, realise that the entire universe of a story falls apart without consistency and reason, at least within the "laws" of a particular movie? Presuming your entire audience are morons who just gape at the screen with mouths sagging open, constantly stuffing in over-priced popcorn to soak up the drool just pisses off the ones who have actually looked forward to your film, taken the time to schlep down to the cinema and hand over their hard-earned cash to the dead-eyed schlub on the till. OK, perhaps that's just in the Peckhamplex but alienating* the very section of your audience that actually gives a damn about your back catalogue will put them off paying to see anything else you make in the future.
Of course, getting in one of the Lost writers was probably a bit of a dozy idea from the start; not exactly somebody who can be trusted with taught plotting and management of story arc. Ridley, if you can't look after things properly any more then nobody else is going to trust you to look after their money. You could always go back to making Hovis adverts, as long as you get a responsible adult to help you with the tricky bits.
*See what I did there, Ridley?
Jilting Joe (1998)
No no no no no no no no no no no no no.....
Not even bad enough to be jaw-dropping in its awfulness; this is the sort of film that makes me embarrassed to be British. Every single facet of plot and characterisation seems deliberately intended to set teeth on edge and incite the audience to hurl anything handy at the screen Ghastliest of these is the central character, Olivia, who spends the entire film trying to pretend she's not still in love with the man she jilted ten years previously; all the while going on in the sort of supposedly quirky manner seemingly beloved of some female romantic 'comedy' writers and universally loathed by every man on the planet.
As the film finally creaked to a close, Olivia's witterings in the final scene got on my nerves so much that it was all I could do not to run screaming into the street and start warning random strangers not to ever, ever waste even a moment on this monumental pile of tat.
If anyone attempts to induce you to watch this film, slap them immediately. It'll be a favour to you both.
-10 / 10
Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995)
Mindbuggeringly bad
It's a kinda Matrix for the recently lobotomised. Life's just too short to waste even one precious moment on excremental tosh like this. If they had an iota of shame, the entire cast and crew would have committed mass hara-kiri at the premiere. OK, perhaps we might let off the CGI drones who were presumably acting under orders but that's it.
If you're offered the choice between watching Lawnmower Man 2 and french kissing a recently deceased tramp I recommend taking the least shameful option. Pucker up...
One Hot Summer Night (1998)
Guiltier than a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo...
I'm not sure what's worse. This truly, utterly, irredeemably lousy film or the fact that I watched it to the bitter end. There is, at least, a degree of car crash voyeurism to be had watching the feeble attempts of actors so wooden one can only suspect it was dry rot making them stagger through the joke of a script like arthritic lab rats. For example, in the courtroom scenes, the judge is one of the most unintentionally funny performances I've ever seen. I assume that the actor got his qualifications from the back of a breakfast cereal box or was just taking the p***.
:::WARNING - SPOILER:::
If you're demented enough to even start watching this ludicrous waste of videotape just make sure you don't miss the very last minute, which guarantees a belly laugh which might marginally compensate for the precious minutes of your life stolen by this movie. In a ghastly, desperate attempt to put the film swiftly out of its (and our) misery, there's a Twist In The Tail slapped on the end of the final draft with all the grace and subtlety of a dead dog in a swimming pool. Perhaps one of the producers found a reel of stock footage (of Bavaria, for crying out loud?!?) down the back of a chair and thought, "Oh bugger it, that'll do. Nobody will still be watching, anyway..."
There's only one good thing about this film. OK, two good things. And they're both inside Erika Eleniak's sweater. I don't know if this is a spoiler but in case that's all you're watching for, be warned - they stay there.
The Ninth Gate (1999)
The Final Page and Gratuitous Shagging
:: WARNING - SPOILERS! ::
OK - Like everyone else, I watched the shagging-in-front-of-the-burning-castle scene and thought "Last resort of a film in crisis... good ol' gratuitous sex." But hang on a moment...
The Girl says the ninth picture was a forgery, after screwing our hero in a fairly satanic kinda way (flames, big eyebrows, mad eyes, lots of teeth). When he returns to the Toledo Bookshop and finds the real picture what's it show but an engraving of a girl looking suspiciously like his latest squeeze, sitting on a multi-headed serpent and pointing at... wait for it... the same castle again.
So, it looks like he's been somehow chosen or destined to enter the Ninth Gate and she's been some sort of satanic guardian angel. Spooky.
Carry on Behind (1975)
Oo-er, missus!
Ah, c'mon..! We *know* it's not a patch on Carry on up the Khyber and Carry on Cleo but it's still fantastic in it's own rubbish way. The whole universe of cuckolded, horny husbands, shrewish wives and anaemic-looking dolly birds still makes me laugh my ass off every time.
You can see the gags coming from a thousand yards away and the plot's wafer thin but Kenneth Williams cackles like a champ, Kenneth Connor sleazes for England and Elke Sommer still looks fantastic in that cheeky suede skirt.
I grew up with the Carry On films and watching one is like opening a can of Instant Nostalgia. I studied archaeology at university and people always ask me if I was inspired by Indiana Jones. I've got a sneaky suspicion it was really Carry on Behind.
The Pianist (2002)
A mirror to our own conscience
Generally, I skim through the user comments on IMDB taking great pleasure in seeing what others have to say about the film I've just seen. Today, though, I feel astonished and disappointed by some of the things I've read.
The holocaust occurred for many reasons; social, economic and political. However, what fuelled it was a colossal failure of the basic human qualities of compassion, empathy and understanding. It's a nauseating paradox, repeated throughout human history, that when people are regarded as fit only for slavery and destruction it is their persecutors who are made truly subhuman by their actions.
I'm not attempting to label the authors of some of the posts here as Nazis or fascists but I am deeply concerned that a film dealing with this issue can provoke such truly thoughtless comments. Of course, it's possible to accuse The Pianist of failing in its ambitions if it cannot convey to every viewer at least a fleeting sympathy with the characters. Perhaps, though, it succeeds by highlighting the lack of comprehension that makes obscenities like the Holocaust possible even today.
Maybe some people viewed the film as simply entertainment, in which case I can see why the plot or characterisation might not be to their liking. The Nazis just keep on behaving like thugs, the Jews sit there and take it and the central character doesn't finally go on a revenge killing-spree, liberating Warsaw single-handed. And getting the girl, of course. If you want formulaic movies with sympathetic heroes and a nice, untaxing storyline there are plenty to choose from. I just don't see how anyone could watch this film without understanding that it's about as close to the truth as it could be without passing into the realm of dramatised documentary. Yes, it is based on a true story and sorry - real life has a habit of occasionally deviating from the popcorn norm.
So, sorry to pick on the following. Genuinely, it's not personal - your comments are simply the most recent.
musidora - If you found it hard to relate to the selfishness of Szpilman perhaps you might consider that many, many Holocaust survivors report an ineradicable guilt, even in the face of all they endured, because they owed their own survival to putting themselves first. For example theft of food in concentration camps was common. What do you think you would do in the same situation if the price of your life, or your child's, were a crust of stolen bread?
kylan-1 - You wrote: `He just stands there with a dumb look on his face and fumbles around' `So whats the big survival story here?'
Seriously, if you were malnourished, cold and being used for slave labour do you think you'd be feeling chipper enough to be a modern-day Spartacus?
jmrex - You wrote: `How can anybody enjoy watching a chronicle of how lacking in spirit these people were? It sickens me.'
It really is hard to understand how a whole people can sometimes kneel before its oppressor, seemingly without putting up a fight. How can people be so passive in such extreme circumstances? How can they just stand by while their neighbour is murdered and quietly wait their turn? Well, the same thing happens every time the human race decides to turn on itself. From Poland to Cambodia to Rwanda you can see it repeated. Plainly, it's something that happens when a society is reduced to its component individuals and the moment of rebellion seems to each an impossibility. If anything is sickening here, it's your comment, jmrex. If you truly find the concept of human despair something inferior to you in some way then let's put another point on the scoreboard for the Nazis. If all you want to do is simply enjoy a film and leave it feeling better than when you entered the cinema then look for something different next time. The audience leaving the screening I saw were subdued and said their goodbyes to one another with choked voices. That doesn't make any of them better people than you but I think it shows a maturity that you haven't yet reached. I wish you well on your journey there - you'll find the view much better.
Bhagwan Thadani - You wrote: `The entire movie was so "outre" that I actually laughed when a German officer pulled out his Luger and shot a Jewess to death for asking "Where are we going?" How ridiculous can this myth of the Jew suffering at the hands of persecutors become?'
Please tell me you're not serious. That you know this really went on. I simply cannot understand how anyone with even a passing knowledge of the Holocaust could really think this an exaggeration or regard it as a `myth.' Perhaps you should find the time to talk to some of the people whose families were reduced to a handful of individuals or even just a sole survivor. Maybe if you heard from someone who was there, still carrying the tattoo on their arm used to mark them like cattle, how their mothers, fathers, siblings and children were murdered you might begin to understand how woundingly misinformed you are. The Jews, gypsies, gays, dissidents and other victims of the Nazis were slaughtered both systematically and capriciously. If your life is worthless to someone with power over you then it is a matter of no consequence all to them to end it for the slightest reason.
While blindness to the suffering of others, whoever and wherever they may be, remains a part of the human condition the subjects of movies like The Pianist will be not only moving but a salutary warning. It could happen to any of us unless we appreciate the lessons history offers.
West Side Story (1961)
Oh Blimey..!
Funny, I must be getting old and sentimental. Semi-mental, maybe... I've just caught West Side Story on TV and watched it for the first time since I was a kid and I L-O-V-E-D IT!
In a time where even kids' TV shows rely on CGI and anything even remotely resembling a theatrical performance is anathema to the major studios, seeing this film is like looking through a forgotten window into a more genuinely creative universe. Of course some of the lines and the dancing seem a little dated today but it's a fabulous period piece - that's half the pleasure. What a shame more films today can't take what might now be a bold step and simply take a stage performance and let the cameras roll.
It's fantastic for a change to encounter something that feels like it will stick in my imagination for a while. Hmmm... hope this doesn't mean I'm going to have to start admitting to enjoying musicals!
Human Traffic (1999)
Was someone reading my diary?
I can't watch this film without having a stupid grin slapped across my face for the rest of the week. For anyone who was a hardcore UK clubber in the late 90s this is a the film we'd have wanted to make ourselves, if only we hadn't been so utterly mashed.
I can understand why anyone who wasn't (isn't?) part of the scene might not see Human Traffic as much more than a glorification of pills, thrills and bellyaches. But for those of us who were there... er, that's exactly what we were all doing. It's also incredibly funny. If you don't think so there is something clearly very, very wrong with you and I suggest you get a life immediately.
Clubbing's just not the same these days and never will be for those of us of a certain age. For 99 minutes, though, this is like getting in a time machine back to the best days of our lives.
Sorted! %-)
The Pianist (2002)
A mirror to our own conscience
Generally, I skim through the user comments on IMDB taking great pleasure in seeing what others have to say about the film I've just seen. Today, though, I feel astonished and disappointed by some of the things I've read.
The holocaust occurred for many reasons; social, economic and political. However, what fuelled it was a colossal failure of the basic human qualities of compassion, empathy and understanding. It's a nauseating paradox, repeated throughout human history, that when people are regarded as fit only for slavery and destruction it is their persecutors who are made truly subhuman by their actions.
I'm not attempting to label the authors of some of the posts here as Nazis or fascists but I am deeply concerned that a film dealing with this issue can provoke such truly thoughtless comments. Of course, it's possible to accuse The Pianist of failing in its ambitions if it cannot convey to every viewer at least a fleeting sympathy with the characters. Perhaps, though, it succeeds by highlighting the lack of comprehension that makes obscenities like the Holocaust possible even today.
Maybe some people viewed the film as simply entertainment, in which case I can see why the plot or characterisation might not be to their liking. The Nazis just keep on behaving like thugs, the Jews sit there and take it and the central character doesn't finally go on a revenge killing-spree, liberating Warsaw single-handed. And getting the girl, of course. If you want formulaic movies with sympathetic heroes and a nice, untaxing storyline there are plenty to choose from. I just don't see how anyone could watch this film without understanding that it's about as close to the truth as it could be without passing into the realm of dramatised documentary. Yes, it is based on a true story and sorry - real life has a habit of occasionally deviating from the popcorn norm.
So, sorry to pick on the following. Genuinely, it's not personal - your comments are simply the most recent.
musidora - If you found it hard to relate to the selfishness of Szpilman perhaps you might consider that many, many Holocaust survivors report an ineradicable guilt, even in the face of all they endured, because they owed their own survival to putting themselves first. For example theft of food in concentration camps was common. What do you think you would do in the same situation if the price of your life, or your child's, were a crust of stolen bread?
kylan-1 - You wrote: `He just stands there with a dumb look on his face and fumbles around' `So whats the big survival story here?'
Seriously, if you were malnourished, cold and being used for slave labour do you think you'd be feeling chipper enough to be a modern-day Spartacus?
jmrex - You wrote: `How can anybody enjoy watching a chronicle of how lacking in spirit these people were? It sickens me.'
It really is hard to understand how a whole people can sometimes kneel before its oppressor, seemingly without putting up a fight. How can people be so passive in such extreme circumstances? How can they just stand by while their neighbour is murdered and quietly wait their turn? Well, the same thing happens every time the human race decides to turn on itself. From Poland to Cambodia to Rwanda you can see it repeated. Plainly, it's something that happens when a society is reduced to its component individuals and the moment of rebellion seems to each an impossibility. If anything is sickening here, it's your comment, jmrex. If you truly find the concept of human despair something inferior to you in some way then let's put another point on the scoreboard for the Nazis. If all you want to do is simply enjoy a film and leave it feeling better than when you entered the cinema then look for something different next time. The audience leaving the screening I saw were subdued and said their goodbyes to one another with choked voices. That doesn't make any of them better people than you but I think it shows a maturity that you haven't yet reached. I wish you well on your journey there - you'll find the view much better.
Bhagwan Thadani - You wrote: `The entire movie was so "outre" that I actually laughed when a German officer pulled out his Luger and shot a Jewess to death for asking "Where are we going?" How ridiculous can this myth of the Jew suffering at the hands of persecutors become?'
Please tell me you're not serious. That you know this really went on. I simply cannot understand how anyone with even a passing knowledge of the Holocaust could really think this an exaggeration or regard it as a `myth.' Perhaps you should find the time to talk to some of the people whose families were reduced to a handful of individuals or even just a sole survivor. Maybe if you heard from someone who was there, still carrying the tattoo on their arm used to mark them like cattle, how their mothers, fathers, siblings and children were murdered you might begin to understand how woundingly misinformed you are. The Jews, gypsies, gays, dissidents and other victims of the Nazis were slaughtered both systematically and capriciously. If your life is worthless to someone with power over you then it is a matter of no consequence all to them to end it for the slightest reason.
While blindness to the suffering of others, whoever and wherever they may be, remains a part of the human condition the subjects of movies like The Pianist will be not only moving but a salutary warning. It could happen to any of us unless we appreciate the lessons history offers.