When I watch this movie now, it really brings back the days of my youth, when things like wacked-out cult members and maverick cops (that shoot first and ask questions later) seemed to be plausible career choices. Oh, do I remember the days of playing "guns" with my buddies and spewing some of the wretched one-liners from this masterpiece. With that, you may be thinking that I despise this movie, or that it doesn't hold up to today's high standards of movie-making. Actually, no. I love this thing! Every time I watch it, it gets better and funnier. Where once the lines of this film danced through my childhood dreams of punking bad guys in back alleys, they now leave me rolling on the ground with laughter. Hey, how can you not enjoy a little Stallone with a freaking match in his mouth and a wearing a pair of aviators spouting lines like, "You're a disease, and I'm the cure?" Not to mention, how could you not have seen this, what with TNT/TBS playing it about 35 times a year since 1990? Also, I love how people rip on how over-the-top and phony 80's movies are with all the explosions and the one-man-gang takedowns of entire armies (composed of the same five guys getting killed in different fashions). What makes me laugh is that today's movies are no more realistic. Have you seen anything with Vin Diesel in it? Bond anyone? Watching these movies too much could make anyone believe in the freaking Easter Bunny! Anyway if you haven't seen Cobra, please check it out.
**WARNING: DETAILED SYNOPSIS BELOW**
The movie begins with a sleazoid taking a supermarket hostage. In fact, just to show what a punk he is, he parks in a handicapped spot and shoots a nerdy kid in the back with a shotgun. So, how do the cops handle this mess? Enter: Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, complete with aviator sunglasses and matchstick in the mouth. He's tough, hard-nosed, and basically unemotional, kinda like Stallone. He enters the supermarket, gets on the intercom and admonishes the baddie by telling him, "Hey, dirtbag! You're a lousy shot! I don't like lousy shots! You wasted the kid...now it's time to waste you!" Man, if life were that simple. Judge. Jury. And executioner. But how could Sly have known he was auditioning for Judge Dredd way back in '86? Anyway, after a sip of beer from the display stand, Stallone finds himself face to face with the nutcase who threatens to blow the whole place up. Stallone deadpans, "Go ahead...I don't shop here." Before the guy can draw his gun, Stallone chucks a knife into the wacko's gut, but not before telling him, "I don't deal with psychos, I put 'em away."
Afterward, we find out that the dirtbag belonged to a cult that wants to wipe out the weak people of society. They bang axes together and try to look menacing; especially their leader who has a jaw that puts Chyna to shame. <Yikes.> However, some cops on the force think that Cobretti's methods are slightly archaic, and they let him know this, especially a weasely looking guy that really has it out for Cobretti.
Later, Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen), a model, sees these pantyhose-over-the-face nutballs acing a girl under an overpass and fears for her life after she sees Jaws' face. Shortly, she is attacked by the cult after her photoshoot is done, but manages to escape their clutches and is put under police protection at the hospital. However, an attempt is made on Ingrid's life that is thwarted at the last minute by her pulling the fire alarm. As a result, Cobra believes that someone on the force leaked info to the cult. His solution is to move Ingrid to a safehouse, while he continues the investigation. Cobra and Ingrid get into one car, and Cobra's partner, Sgt. Gonzales, and a butt-ugly skank (the leak) get into another car and head to the safehouse. As to be expected, a move is made to eliminate Ingrid, albeit in broad daylight. In one of the most hilarious scenes I have ever seen in a movie, Stallone manages to spin his car while going full speed, never miss a beat, and continue to go full speed in reverse in order to riddle the pursuing cult members full of bullets. I don't know about you, but my car never does 60 when I back out of my driveway. Also, the close-up shots of Stallone's face while he shifts gears and glances at Ingrid are truly bad-a** and p*ss-your-pants hilarious!
After avoiding the meatheads for now, Sly and the Family Stallone, if you will, do it Cobra's way and head up to a motel room where they wait for the cult to show up. Obviously, they do since their nasty skeezer is riding shotgun to Gonzalez. Upon, finding them at the motel, the cult begins setting themselves up for Cobra to mow them down. Another chase leads them to some kind of metal factory where they can take on Stallone one by one. He gladly accepts the challenge by lasing-siting a grenade and acing a few culties. After being doused in some sort of flammable liquid, Number Two gets a lit match thrown onto him while Stallone slurs, "You have the right to remain silent." A man of few words, but amazingly such a wordsmith. Anyway, this all leads to the showdown between Big Jaw and Cobra. According to Sly, "This is where the law stops...and I start...sucker!" Wow! Good stuff. Blah! Blah! The typical fight ensues with Jaws getting the upperhand until Stallone hulks up (must have got it from Hogan on the set of Rocky III) and spears the guy on a huge hook. Then while the dude screams in agony, Sly watches him get incinerated in a huge oven. Now that's justice. Something to watch for during this finale: how many times Jaws says the word "PIG!" (with a bunch of slobber and cuds shooting out of his mouth, might I add.)
So if you're in the mood for a real side-splitter that was intended to be serious, check out Sly in his one man war on evil.
**WARNING: DETAILED SYNOPSIS BELOW**
The movie begins with a sleazoid taking a supermarket hostage. In fact, just to show what a punk he is, he parks in a handicapped spot and shoots a nerdy kid in the back with a shotgun. So, how do the cops handle this mess? Enter: Marion "Cobra" Cobretti, complete with aviator sunglasses and matchstick in the mouth. He's tough, hard-nosed, and basically unemotional, kinda like Stallone. He enters the supermarket, gets on the intercom and admonishes the baddie by telling him, "Hey, dirtbag! You're a lousy shot! I don't like lousy shots! You wasted the kid...now it's time to waste you!" Man, if life were that simple. Judge. Jury. And executioner. But how could Sly have known he was auditioning for Judge Dredd way back in '86? Anyway, after a sip of beer from the display stand, Stallone finds himself face to face with the nutcase who threatens to blow the whole place up. Stallone deadpans, "Go ahead...I don't shop here." Before the guy can draw his gun, Stallone chucks a knife into the wacko's gut, but not before telling him, "I don't deal with psychos, I put 'em away."
Afterward, we find out that the dirtbag belonged to a cult that wants to wipe out the weak people of society. They bang axes together and try to look menacing; especially their leader who has a jaw that puts Chyna to shame. <Yikes.> However, some cops on the force think that Cobretti's methods are slightly archaic, and they let him know this, especially a weasely looking guy that really has it out for Cobretti.
Later, Ingrid (Brigitte Nielsen), a model, sees these pantyhose-over-the-face nutballs acing a girl under an overpass and fears for her life after she sees Jaws' face. Shortly, she is attacked by the cult after her photoshoot is done, but manages to escape their clutches and is put under police protection at the hospital. However, an attempt is made on Ingrid's life that is thwarted at the last minute by her pulling the fire alarm. As a result, Cobra believes that someone on the force leaked info to the cult. His solution is to move Ingrid to a safehouse, while he continues the investigation. Cobra and Ingrid get into one car, and Cobra's partner, Sgt. Gonzales, and a butt-ugly skank (the leak) get into another car and head to the safehouse. As to be expected, a move is made to eliminate Ingrid, albeit in broad daylight. In one of the most hilarious scenes I have ever seen in a movie, Stallone manages to spin his car while going full speed, never miss a beat, and continue to go full speed in reverse in order to riddle the pursuing cult members full of bullets. I don't know about you, but my car never does 60 when I back out of my driveway. Also, the close-up shots of Stallone's face while he shifts gears and glances at Ingrid are truly bad-a** and p*ss-your-pants hilarious!
After avoiding the meatheads for now, Sly and the Family Stallone, if you will, do it Cobra's way and head up to a motel room where they wait for the cult to show up. Obviously, they do since their nasty skeezer is riding shotgun to Gonzalez. Upon, finding them at the motel, the cult begins setting themselves up for Cobra to mow them down. Another chase leads them to some kind of metal factory where they can take on Stallone one by one. He gladly accepts the challenge by lasing-siting a grenade and acing a few culties. After being doused in some sort of flammable liquid, Number Two gets a lit match thrown onto him while Stallone slurs, "You have the right to remain silent." A man of few words, but amazingly such a wordsmith. Anyway, this all leads to the showdown between Big Jaw and Cobra. According to Sly, "This is where the law stops...and I start...sucker!" Wow! Good stuff. Blah! Blah! The typical fight ensues with Jaws getting the upperhand until Stallone hulks up (must have got it from Hogan on the set of Rocky III) and spears the guy on a huge hook. Then while the dude screams in agony, Sly watches him get incinerated in a huge oven. Now that's justice. Something to watch for during this finale: how many times Jaws says the word "PIG!" (with a bunch of slobber and cuds shooting out of his mouth, might I add.)
So if you're in the mood for a real side-splitter that was intended to be serious, check out Sly in his one man war on evil.
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