darkness_is_your_ally Reviews

Keith Lemon: The Film (2012)

wow...

[1/10 · 24 August 2012]

I had low expectations going into this film, yet I was hoping to be surprised as I usually enjoy watching celebrity juice and I know Leigh Francis can be funny. However bad expectations don't cut how bad this really was. To me, I see this film as a massive money grab of the whole teenage demographic, as this tends to be the character on TV that most adolescents are talking about and find hilarious on his panel show "celebrity juice". So the studios must have thought, "what should we do with a massive character on British Telly, I know, have him make a film that every one would empty their wallets to see on the big screen and we'll earn the box office a ton of money". This film has been purely made to take money, because if this were pitched as a serious film idea, without Keith Lemon being a famous character, this film would have (should have) been rejected because of how poorly written the script was. Most of the jokes (said verbally) are re-hashed from celebrity juice, for instance "bang tidy", "smash your back doors in" and "oooosh", but because I have heard it before, it has now just become repetitive and tiresome, and left me sighing each time the phrases were repeated. Right, next up, the acting, all the people cast in this film, were not actors! They were just famous people from British TV, who were either friends with Leigh, or put there, again, to attract more people to see it, and all the people who were actors in this film, (Kelly Brook, David Hasslehoff, Verne Troyer, Laura Aikman) either had a bad day at the office or they simply are not good enough actors to get roles in decent films, so they chose a poorly written, money grabbing film! Now we move onto the story, a predictable mess of unsatisfactory comedy, that at times I found myself wishing that certain scenes were cut from the movie, these were mainly scenes where we are meant to feel emotional for Keith, but no, I did not give a single care for this character, or any of the others for that matter. The gags fell flat, and were very predictable and frankly just an excuse to be crude, however a couple of jokes made me laugh for a few seconds, but nothing that flawed me, just stereotypes and bo'selecta references making me chuckle for a very short period of time. This film to me is a prime example of studios dumbing down films just to make money, and they don't need to because audiences are a lot more clever than they think, and instead of having a clever blockbuster to end the summer season, we get this atrocious mess of a film that has no pay off, no likable characters, awful soundtrack, bad actors, a terrible script, and a predictable story, 85 minutes was too long, please god may there not be a sequel. If you want good British humour, stick to the inbetweeners or peep show and forget all about this film. My screening, on day of release was very empty, and I hope it stays that way round the UK. You may have to see it to believe it, but you will be disappointed with this film, even if you are a fan of Keith Lemon.

Keith Lemon: The Film (2/10)

The Evil Dead (1981)

scary, violent, creepy soundtrack and bad acting!

[6/10 · 14 August 2012]

Having recently just watched this film for the first time and seeing a 7.6 rating on IMDb before hand, i have to say that this film did not live up to those expectations and mildly disappointed me. I did not hate this film, nor did I love it, what I can say is that I understand its cult following and I can appreciate it for what it is, and that is a decent horror flick, written and directed by Sam Rami. Now to begin, I was never expecting solid, performances or an Oscar winning role, but for what it was i just couldn't feel much more than, these people will eventually die (basic horror logic) and to be honest i'm not that bothered about it either,and that to me is down to a poorly written script or down down to bad casting, but none the less, i felt No sympathy for any of them, apart from the only believable character, to which i could believe is the point, and this would be ash; who was a bit more three dimensional and stood out more than the others, rather than using clichéd horror thinking and doing stupid s**t (ignoring the basement scene). Now putting acting aside and looking at it for what it was it was otherwise pretty good; one thing things I especially loved was the score that was pieced to each and every scene, it really gives the film that horror edge and makes you quiver with fear, even if there is nothing particularly haunting happening in that given time; pretty much that I know somethings going to happen but when; and the score builds this up perfectly for say when two arms smash through a door. another thing that I though was absolutely great in this film was the special effects, oh how I miss the simpler films, where things can look better than CGI and at the same time not be spending wad loads of cash on it; going back to the special effects, the make up for the zombified humans was disturbingly frightening, especially Cheryl and creepy ass laugh. the ending scene with the melting corpses clearly made out of plaster scene (or clay for the Americans) was so cool, and because it looked like it had that skin like texture, it made it seem more like it was melting than if it was being done nowadays in CGI, thing is to me, is that realism can ruin things like that and thats why this film is very entertaining for the genre that it is. however another small gripe I have is the way the film is shot, the camera annoys the hell out of me, reminds me of home videos that have been shot by a budding film maker in his teens. The whole floaty cam and as if it is the evil spirit, it just bugs me, and I don't really know why. Overall I really enjoyed the story, because if you don't read any synopsis' it really does help to make it a better story, the special effects are awesome, the music is incredibly creepy and frightening, yet the acting lets the film down. well worth a watch though, and for some classic 80's cheese horror, i would certainly recommend this film, as long as you remember it is not meant to be a masterpiece. I'm off to watch Evil Dead 2 to see what happens in the continued story. 6.5/10

Prometheus (I) (2012)

Don't pay attention to the critics!

[9/10 · 5 June 2012]

Why the negativity on this film, it is absolutely crazy (although people might think I am for this review), but when I saw this movie this morning in my local cinema, in 2D(why even bother with 3D, you know it's a gimmick), I thought it was brilliant, entertaining and great action summer flick that highly recommend. What this film offered was stunning visual effects, great performances from Fassbender, Rapace and possibly Therone (I beg to differ on others opinions), and a great starting story for what should become a trilogy, to build up the franchise and really start to show how the events of Alien(1979) came from this team of scientists looking for the origins of mankind. Now before going any further, this film does have some flaws, some which did confuse me, but after researching possible theories, it seems to make more sense than I realised at that given time; some might complain at this but check out the sixth sense and fight club if you want to talk about films you need to watch again to really grasp everything properly. My real opinion on why I though this was a great film was the events that take place, although some consider a messy plot-line, there wasn't a single moment in the film where I thought nothing important is happening here, skip ahead already, (unlike in my opinion the original alien where not a lot happens for the first 20 mins) and it grips you and makes you think what's going to happen next. The ending wasn't as good as the rest of the movie had built it up to be, but it leaves it open to sequels, which is where we can find out more about what really happened and why some of the scenes were needed for Prometheus. Overall apart from the odd plot holes and wining fan boys that say it isn't alien, which it is not, and by the trailers clearly shows it's not set out to be; we are given a stunning show of what can be done when a series franchise needs a prequel/s, unlike star wars, and how much it keeps you wandering, even after the film, about little details really makes this a decent prequel that alien deserves (even if it's not as direct as it seems, but hey-ho we shall wait for the sequel). Great film, I highly recommend it, and just an over all good watch even if you are not familiar with the rest of the series.

Alien (1979) 7/10(sorry guys) Aliens (1986) 9/10 Alien3 (1992) 5/10 Alien Resurrection(1997) 6/10 Prometheus (2012) 9/10

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

nothing compared to the original but not as bad everyone says

[6/10 · 10 March 2012]

call me strange, call me stupid, i could not care but in my opinion this film was not as bad as all the ratings and reviewers have been saying, it has good and bad bits but this film wasn't necessarily a failure. there are a few things in this version that i really like and respect the writers on including into the story and those things were how darker it was compared to the original, and giving us more of a back story too what actually happened to Freddy, these are over all good things because we learn why he is after the kids specifically and being darker makes the film just that bit more edginess to it and making it more scary than comedic horror like back in the original (that opinion is mine and others may think differently if they feel the original was nostalgic, as for me i have only recently watched the original and felt the need to watch the newest one to see what is really that bad). There were a more than a few things i really didn't like and the first is the lack of Robert Englund, he was the classic Freddy and had been for 8 god damn movies no one can replace Freddy and all though Jackie Earle Haley was a good replacement i just felt he was lacking the characteristics that were performed by Englund back in '84. the next thing that annoyed me was the budget and the special effects, the budget for this film was $35,000,000 and it didn't need to be, cgi is not the way forward it just looks over produced and tacky, and that is not cool, if you have seen any of the originals you will understand how cool the special effects were for instance the bed blood scene in the first one and Freddy coming the the stretchy wall all done in creative ways , and now it's done with cgi which is meant to be more realistic but in my opinion looks like horse dump. overall you will enjoy this film if you see it as just another nightmare film and not a re-make, it has it's own dream sequences, although some similar, and it's own way of presenting the story behind the kids of elm street, so see it how you will, but this is not a bad film. although, final thing, if you are considering to watch this over the original please don't, watch this second if you must, but don't hit on it because it's not faithful to the original or anything else, because come on when are re-makes ever as good as the originals, in my opinion it's a good film worth a watch try not to compare it to the original too much, just enjoy.

The Reaping (2007)

overall a surprisingly good film

[7/10 · 15 December 2011]

not a bad film at all, i was expecting a terrible film about a possessed girl and some biblical malarkey but i enjoyed the story and it got really good towards the end, i say towards the end because... SPOILER!!! the ending kinda of ruined it because everything goes OK and then *boom* bombshell, sad face, credits the end. it's almost as if it has left the audience thinking there is a sequel, good thriller and although not the best film i've seen (obviously fight club or pulp fiction, check them out!!) definitely worth the watch! :)

this film greatly shows the mark of modern horror/thriller films (instead of the human centipede or other disturbing films) it shows that there is still creativity out there and that there can be a decent storyline and script without it being a sequel a reboot or an absolute waste of time. so like i said worth a watch don't listen to the 5.6 rating it's got because it's quite an enjoyable hour and a half, btw don't watch this expecting a horror because tbh you'll just be disappointed.

Pet Sematary (1989)

read the book, then watch the film

[5/10 · 14 August 2011]

after reading the book for the first time and being amazed by the descriptive nature and being captured by the horror and insanity of some of the characters, i was more than disappointed with the film. they changed a lot of things and missed out bits that i felt made no sense without them. however this wasn't a bad film over all, it was good acting especially from Miko Hughes and Fred Gywnne and still was roughly based on the story, it was entertaining and enjoyable and some bits were scary but whoever said this one of the scariest movies, cut the bullshit the book is much scarier. so in my opinion: read the book first