darren-153-890810 Reviews

Maestro (2023)

Boring and pompous

[4/10 · 1 December 2023]

This is essentially a movie about two very pompous people being pompous. Not particularly likeable, not particularly interesting.

I'll confess, I have no idea who LB was, but neither have I learnt anything accept he was pompous and loved fags, pardon the pun.

I found both characters irritating from the moment they appeared on screen.

It was a strange choice of movie for Bradley Cooper to direct, but saying that, he's obviously a fan of his, hence his brilliant piano playing. (Only interesting part of the whole movie)

Would have been better making a film on Leonard Cohen's and Marianne Ihlen

No doubt they'll expect an Oscar nomination which it will probably get because it's boring and shot in black n white (sporadically it must be said)

The Killer (2023)

Wants to be Patrick Bateman (minus the script & charisma)

[5/10 · 30 October 2023]

A very strange thing happened, while sipping on a coffee in the Curzon, waiting for the ads to finish, the venue was playing some rather good music, when a track came on I liked, I asked the staff was the track 'The Smiths' or 'Morrissey'? 'The Smiths' he replied. Ah cool, great track I said, then proceeded to the screen.

So when the movie started I was a bit like wooaahh, of all the bands!

Unfortunately that was the highlight of the evening.

The film is a bit dull, feels like it's trying to create a Patrick Bateman type of character but fails abysmally.

The soundtrack including the Trent Reznor score is superb, creates real tension which isn't sadly matched by the protagonist.

He basically walks around at 2 miles per hour, gets in serious fights but walks, or should I say, runs away with 2 minor scratches, no aches, no broken bones.

On the way out I asked the guy working if that was a special 'The Killer' playlist, to which he replied, nah, it was a random playlist!

Spooky!

Priscilla (2023)

An embarrassment to cinema

[2/10 · 10 October 2023]

Definitely one of the worst films I've seen in a while. Absolutely atrocious casting. Elvis was so bad. Too skinny, too annoying. Priscilla constantly lacks any personality what so ever and looks about 12. Which in itself is very hard to watch

The script is so juvenile and not interesting on any level. The whole film is so unbelievable

Also, who thought it would be a great idea to add contemporary music, I mean that Spectrum / Spacemam 3 track is immense but doesn't belong in a movie about the 50's and early 60's.

This film is a total mess.

Quoits a people walked out, I almost did but wanted to see if Elvis actually put on any weight and tbe answer was no.

Heart of Stone (I) (2023)

How was this made?

[1/10 · 15 August 2023]

Ok, I confess, there are two reasons why I shouldn't probably be reviewing this film.

1) I hate cliched action movies 2) I walked out after 15 minutes

I have a Curzon membership which means I can watch 7 movies a week. Whoop whoop, arent I lucky I hear you say? Well, not really. Im not the sort of person to walk out of a movie. But when I asked for the ticket the staff seemed very surprised with my decision.

2 minutes in, actually 1 minute in I was cringing, awful contrived rnb score, some of the worst acting I think I've ever, ever seen. It actually felt like none of the actors had ever acted before. To top it all, Kevin from Motherland was playing some kind of special ops agent, still looking and sounding like Kevin.

15 minutes of my time was very generous as I could have walked after 1 minute.

Oppenheimer (I) (2023)

Nolan - The Depeche Mode of the film world

[5/10 · 21 July 2023]

So in the electronic / synth music world, its a sin to criticise anything the Mode do.

I definitely feel the same can be said about Nolans films. He has made some great films, The Prestige, Interstellar & Memento. But on the other hand, has has made some stinkers, Tennent was appallingly stupid.

This looks absolutely beautiful, the cinematography is sensational. The performances are very good, Murphy plays the lead perfectly and Emily Blunt plays a brilliant drunk. However there are some terrible accents, is Kenneth Branagh meant to be South African?

Problem with this movie is, it's very confusing, its also very, very boring, it doesn't pack any kind of emotion, we are talking about the most shameful moment in history, yet, somehow it clearly manages to avoid any of that.

Very boring.

Medusa Deluxe (2022)

If Gaspar Noé had a lobotomy

[5/10 · 14 June 2023]

The director had obviously watched Climax and thought, yep, that's the kind of movie I want to make. Everything from the lighting, location, characters to burning hair and of course the final dance scene.

However, unlike Gaspar Noé's masterpiece, this lacks any real punch, intrigue and substance. Some of the acting is very suspect indeed, the opening scene is quite difficult to watch as the acting is so bad.

It's bad but I've seen worse. I'm guessing that hair people will love it and will be able to relate to it more than I could.

My advice would be to skip this and go straight to Climax, which will definitely make your hair fall out.

Pacifiction (2022)

Pink Panther minus the comedy

[3/10 · 24 April 2023]

Is this film satire? Or a documentary? It's really hard to tell. Did they just say right, ad lib and walk around and we'll film your every move.

It's honestly one of the most boring films ever made. Quite literally nothing happens for 3 hours. A man in a white suit walks around does a few speeches, has a few drinks flys on a plane and goes jet biking. Call the whoop doctor, there's some hard surf action, we'll sort of, you don't actually see any surfing as the camera is too far away. That is it. Nothing happens.

The only way the film manages to interpret the fear that clouds the island is the paranoia of a very creepy man in glasses. Is he the Pink Panther? It's hard to tell. I was kinda waiting for that character to say to "I need a womb".

The film is centred around a night club and the final scene is surreal which actually stopped me from given it a 2 out of 10.

The dude behind was in such a deep sleep that when it ended and the lights came (it was 11.30pm and the staff wanted to go home) they had to wake him. I'd love to know what he thought, I'm guessing he really enjoyed Hos snoozebuster. As I'm sure you will.

Three Colors: White (1994)

Blue is the colour. White isn't

[5/10 · 9 April 2023]

I loved Blue and was expecting to see Julia Binoche appear in this as I thought it was supposed to be part of a trilogy. In anticipation I was trying to work out the plot and characters in the build up. Maybe Deply married the composer dude and Binoche got jealous. But no, while Blue is a work of art on all levels, white is pretty dumb. Yes, it looks great with beautiful cinematography but I found it slightly boring and unbelievable. I mean, come on. Man in a suitcase for all that time without any injuries? There doesn't seem to be any consequences for any of his actions. He fakes his death and manages to walk the streets. Utter nonsense. Maybe I missed something, but this wasn't a patch on Blue

Overall I was very disappointed in tbe story and script. I'm hoping Red is better.

Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022)

First film I walked out of

[2/10 · 27 May 2022]

Not proud of that but this is a horrible mess.

It's about as funny as shoe. I've read that people were crying with laughter. Jeez. Maybe I'm a total grumbleweed, but this wasn't funny on any level, unless you're a 6 year old.

Just goes to shoe, sorry I mean show, never trust the IMDb ratings, ever!

Memoria (I) (2021)

Charisma free snooze fest

[4/10 · 14 January 2022]

I'll start with the positives, it's actually quite refreshing to have a movie with not much dialogue, I did enjoy some of the more serene moments. The use of space is exceptional.

However, upon watching the first few minutes I found myself thinking is this shot in Croydon? (The 50 pence building). It probably would have saved a lot more money if they did.

Im no fan of Swinton, but this role is kind of perfect for her. She mopes around looking miserable, charisma less, hearing boom noises. This could have been quite an interesting film, it tries to be clever but it really isn't.

The final scene she's very high, a space ship goes boom. The end.

In a Silent Way (II) (2020)

A film about an album with no music by the band

[4/10 · 31 October 2021]

I'll confess, I know nothing about Talk Talk apart from the obvious hits. However, sound engineer friends of mine tell me Talk Talk were the best band to come out of the 80's.

I thought I'd pop along to the Doc N Rock festival to learn something this band.

What did I learn? Not much. The lead singer became a hermit. The other members speak about how great the main man was. There's practically zero archive footage with zero music by the band. Mark Hollis wouldn't let them use any of the music. So you basically get a very empty doc about nothing much.

Hard core fans might get something out of it but I struggled. A very generous 4.

Dune (2021)

Roll on another money grabbing franchise

[5/10 · 25 October 2021]

This film does look great, and I did enjoy someone of the darker ritual scenes. But that's about it.

The soundtrack is really annoying and way too loud. Somethings about to happen, cue dramatic music, oh wait, a balloon has lifted some metal.

This film probably could have been told in 46 mins.

Possibly the quickest 5000 meters ever ran as well, without so much of a sweat

This film is total snoozebuster.

Bit if you love the new CGI Star Wars franchise you'll love it.

The Velvet Underground (2021)

Be brave be bold and don't follow the crowd

[8/10 · 10 October 2021]

Forget what old Grumbleweed said in his review. This movie sounds great and looks great. Granted, it's not perfect but with limited footage available it's def the best VU doc out there.

I saw it at the Royal Festival hall, the songs sounded incredible

I'm not sure why Grumbleweed is being so negative. I'm a massive fan and have read all the books too. John Cale did talk about John Cage quite a bit, Lou talked about the bands he was into to. I would like more on Nico if I'm honest.

I guess if you're a casual fan you'll dig it. If you're hardcore you may be disappointed. For me I was just glad to hear those songs loud with images

Go see it. You won't be disappointed

For the record. I'm a PowerPoint Designer. That would have taken some work to produce a presentation like that.

Armageddon Gospels (2019)

If your house is haunted ring, Renta Ghost

[3/10 · 18 July 2021]

I'm guessing the other reviewer was part of the team behind the film.

The trailer looked quite bad I love anything to do with rituals.

15 mins in and you soon realise these are students who somehow got funding to make it. Pretty bad acting and incredibly pretentious.

It's basically wants to be A Field in England meets Midsomer but is in fact more like Renta Ghost.

The Stranger (I) (2020)

8 hours of Hollyoaks with some Scooby Doo thrown in

[4/10 · 17 January 2021]

We started watching this as we were quite compelled by the ritual elements.

Alas, there was none. A woman basically embezzled some funds. The end

Bad acting, awful music. I checked the credits and it seems it was not written by anyone from Hollyoaks, which I find very hard to believe

Don't waste 8 hours of your life

Too Old to Die Young (2019)

robot cop

[3/10 · 24 December 2020]

Main character is even more aspergers than the characters in his last few films.

It looks great, lighting, sound blah blah. But zero substance

This director has an obsession with young girls. At a Q&A I recall him introducing the actress from Neon Deon as his 16 year old female self. Quoting cos we all have that fantasy. Do we?

I'm done with his films. He's gone too far up his own ars and there's no coming back

Black Circle (2018)

Peter Strikland on Ketamine

[10/10 · 10 October 2020]

Wow, this film just absolutely blew my mind.

From the opening 2 minutes you're in, like some kind of weird trance, it really does pull you in. Reminds me of Beyond The Black Rainbow with the 70's retro vibe of a Peter Strikland movie.

I loved every minute and had absolutely no idea what was going to happen next.

If you're into trippy films that take you to another place then this is right up your street

Ares (2020)

Beyond the Black Rainbow meets Eyes Wide Shut

[8/10 · 30 September 2020]

Forget the haters. This is easily one of the best shows on Netflix.

If you like atmospheric TV that takes you to other worlds and realities then this is for you.

Nice bit of subtle politics thrown in for good measure.

I've watched it twice and second time around was much better

Perfect (II) (2018)

Terrence Malic takes acid

[10/10 · 29 March 2020]

This is an absolutely incredible piece of film making. You don't need tons of dialogue to tell a story, it also don't need an obvious narrative too.

The people are slating this movie are probably into The Fast and The Furious.

This is gorgeous, visually, atmospherically & sound wise.

Visually story telling at its most beautiful.

If you like films like Beyond The Black Rainbow, Mandy & To The Wonder, you'll love this.

Monos (2019)

Lord of the snoozebusters

[4/10 · 28 October 2019]

Apparently something happens with a cow. I missed that bit as was snoozebusting.

In fact, not much, that you care about happens. You're not routing for anyone.

Where were tbe Kubrik and Malic comparisons as I certainly missed them. Or I was probably at the snooze festival

Living with Yourself (2019)

Aisling Bea deserves better

[5/10 · 24 October 2019]

First few minutes were promising, then you soon realise it's full of plot holes and is sort of meant to be a comedy with not much comedy at all.

How much 50k? Yes. I'm in. No questions asked. I mean, we all have a spare 50k lying around don't we.

Double me. Mmmm, maybe I'll hide the other me in the spare room and my wife won't noticed.

Mmmm, it's strange that my wife hasn't once asked if I'm high. I'm never usually this upbeat, happy or annoying.

Wait until the final episode there's a brilliant twist, ohhh, wait. There isn't.

I Lost My Body (2019)

An absolute delight

[8/10 · 12 October 2019]

Saw this at LFF with absolutely no idea what to expect. I was completely blown away by how beautiful, heart felt and emotional it was.

If any film can make you hold back the tears in my eyes is a winner. Let alone an animated one.

Beautiful. Hope this gets a cinematic release

Pink Wall (2019)

Excruciating

[3/10 · 12 October 2019]

Fair play to the director who shot this in 9 days and for less than 100k. The budget was so tight he cast his family and friends. Unfortunately this is quite obvious as some of the acting isn't great.

You also have two lead characters who don't really have any warmth or likeable characteristics what so ever.

It was excruciatingly hard to watch at times (not because of the content but the script) that I actually had to take two long toilet breaks.

I'm sure the director will go on to bigger and better things and look back at this an experience

Blinded by the Light (2019)

This film gave me a headache from cringing

[4/10 · 13 August 2019]

2019 hasn't been a classic year for movies. In Fabric aside, I can't think anything worth scoring more than 8.

There have been some terrible movies and this is definitely top 5.

It's painful to watch, the wooden acting, the lack of chemistry between the characters and the absolutely cringe worthy singing parts. This fails so badly where Rocket Man manages to pull this off.

There's also the standard 80's cliches.

There are scenes in this film that are hard hitting but you don't believe it's real at any stage throughout the film.

Bonding (2018–2021)

Likeable and vulnerable characters

[8/10 · 29 April 2019]

This shows is great and the negative reviews sums up what's wrong with society. Narrow minded, up tight, homophobic people. Get real, this is what non boring standard people get up too! Life would oh so dull if everyone liked the same boring things.

It's funny, touching and sweet. Yep, it's probably not 100% accurate (one of my mates is a full time Dom) but who cares. You really warm to the characters, underneath all that bravado is two very vulnerable but very nice people.

Open your mind and enjoy it