coex23 Reviews

Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021)

never again

[1/10 · 23 November 2021]

Got sucked into watching this via friends. Uh, this superhero thing has gone on way past its due date. Tired, unfunny and just repetitive at this point.

Save your money and invest in a film school education.

Nothing But Trouble (1991)

so wrong that it's almost right. but it can't be!

[2/10 · 20 November 2021]

IMDB reviewer MartinHafer dared us to find a less funny movie:

Titicut Follies?

Shoah?

The Killing Fields?

Hell, even Citizen Kane and The Shining are WAYYY funnier than this.

Anyway, the film: This is a non-stop conveyor belt of forced cocaine weirdness. Allegedly, Ackroyd truly believes that he was making a horror film and not a comedy. If that is true, then he was doing more blow than Dennis Hopper during Apocalypse Now. I dare him to prove otherwise.

Yeah, John Candy sort of saves the day. But really, what truly saves the day is just its own hubris. It just keeps on going and cramming more fake made-up weirdness down our throats so that we have no choice but to be in awe. Granted, again, it's faux cocaine and manufactured "midnight movie" weirdness.

What is it with SNL movies? Is there a real curse? I mean, is there one SNL related movie that rises above this kinda dreck? SCTV's Strange Brew shows that it can be done (Ackroyd's best casting here was, of course, John Candy from SCTV). The Kids In The Hall's Brain Candy proves it can be done excellently. So why can't these SNL people every pull it off? Some might argue that the Blues Brothers works and I might accept that; depending on how I feel that day.

This film still gets some kind of Psychotronic award or something for being so freaking OUT THERE. And out there with no map or reason to be out there! Watch it just to see the wreckage pile up! Fun!

The Dwarves of Demrel (2018)

maybe next time

[2/10 · 17 November 2021]

The upper peninsula of Michigan probably is a place where one has a lot of time to play D&D. You know, long winters, etc. According to imdb, this is the director's first film; not even a short, music video or commercial! For that alone, this film gets a star.

Beyond that? Eh, maybe another for effort.

Next time, make a few commercials for the used car dealer in town first. Then maybe put a few hours in at the public access station. Maybe then attempt a short feature!

Dexter: New Blood: Storm of Fuck (2021) Season 1, Episode 2

Sinking fast into painfully bad

[3/10 · 17 November 2021]

I was happy that the narration was back, but... This episode might have been even lamer than the first.

My big complaints, so far, are:

1) Harrison. Not a good actor nor is his character interesting at all. Three years on the road looking for his dad and... what? That's it? A few words and then he easily slides into the local High School clique and has a potential gf? This is turning into a teen show?

My opinion is that they should have cross cut to his story for the whole season as he hitchhikes across the US looking for Dexter. Finally finding him for the season finale, you know?

If they turn him into another killer, the show will have jumped the proverbial shark. However, having him go against Dexter could be equally lame. Just find a way to write him out asap.

2) Debra. Why is she here at all? Oh right, they're married in real life. Sigh. Not only is she not a great actor, but whoever wrote her parts is just now graduating from day care. Dexter's dad's ghost never appeared this much! It's overkill and doesn't contribute anything.

3) The first kill was lame. As with Harrison, they could have built this up for the whole season and ended with his first kill (of whomever the child killer is). That way, we could have had a whole season of slow and deliberate build up of tensions within the general narrative. You know, get to know the townspeople better, get into the difficulty Dex has just making it through the day, etc.

Also, relating to this kill: Dex uses his feet to cover up the victim's blood with snow. Then he uses his ATV to drive over the blood trail; which somehow buries that as well. THEN he meets up with a bunch of native hunters that have discovered the elk corpse. They all just express anger and then shrug and walk away... wtf? So a priceless white elk is killed and none of the native people feel it worth their effort to join in tracking the killer? I get that the local cops might not be the best, but this was all too easy for Dex; despite some near misses easily cleaned up by snow! (Slaps forehead)

4.) Cop girlfriend. Again, a bad actor with utterly terrible writing. Dex is IN HIDING for being a serial killer and he gets romantically involved with a local cop? The roadside arrest fantasy sex encounter is also just so beyond juvenile and cliché.

There's a LOT of potential still, but I fear they've already filmed the entire season and cannot correct these problems. Oh well, I'll give it another try; but I really feel that it can't overcome these serious issues.

What I liked about the old series was how the writers would literally throw the audience into an absolutely frustrating and maddening situation with Dexter. That's still here in this new version, thankfully.

Throwing the elk in felt a bit "too Hannibal" for me. It was almost dreamlike for a bit until it was killed. As a symbolic dream, it was better... as a trigger to make Dex kill again? No way.

I wonder what the real motivations were for making this series? I would guess money. Because, so far, they sure aren't adding anything new to the Dexter character or his story.

Star Trek (2009)

oy vey

[2/10 · 13 November 2021]

Baby kirk driving a sports car off a cliff to loud beastie boys cut? Uh, this didn't GO downhill, it started there.

Baby spock is bullied but wins the fight. Sigh.

Scotty lives on a barren planet with a living sex toy.

Uhura has potential as an interesting character, but she never gets anything decent to say. And BAM suddenly she's in a relationship with spock(?). Damn, JJ, slow down and lets dive in on some of these characters. Instead, the director just keeps pushing forward full speed with arseloads of special effects.

Oh and bones. Why no origin? We get a brief line about him being divorced and his nickname coming from that rather than him being a doctor???? And he's terrified of space flight? What the...?

Way too much sex too. And sex that's decidedly misogynist.

Really not a good film.

Descendants: The Royal Wedding (2021 TV Special)

typical decline

[1/10 · 10 November 2021]

It's a known fact that Disney only puts effort into their big name feature films and puts zero effort into their straight to video crap.

Sadly, this is the latter.

"Uh, Disney will give us $35.43 to make an animated film! No strings attached!"

Shelter your children's eyes from this and go watch Totoro again.

Dune (2021)

Nope

[1/10 · 4 November 2021]

Sorry, but it was all visual effects and lifted scenes from Lynch's film (where he made scenes up that weren't in the book).

The kid playing Paul was not a actor in any possible universe. He looked emo and that was about it. No charisma and no acting chops.

Way too much CGI and wayyyyyy too much desire to be either a branch of the MCU series or the Star Wars mythologies. It felt rather desperate about these desires.

Oh, the soundtrack was abysmal.

The Axiom (2018)

not today, thank you

[1/10 · 31 October 2021]

I get why people crank out horror films: Quick money.

But, sometimes, it pays to take some actual filmmaking classes and spend a few years really grokking Orson Welles or the French New Wave before being so full of yourself that you are compelled to make any kind of narrative attempt. Hell, spend a few days watch John Wick even. Jeez, this was stupid. The poster art was better than the film.

Mel (1998)

like smoking Tommy Chong's brain cells

[10/10 · 31 October 2021]

How could this be bad? I mean, Joey Travolta, right? AND! Borg9! AND Julie Haggerty from that airplane film! It's like Gamera for weirdly dull Hallmark families in uh, Murica! Get a six pack... no get a case of really cheap beer and vape the hell out of your fruit flavored vape pen thingy and glue your eyes to this disaster! Really, it's beyond camp. We're in a new dimension now.

Frank (2021)

trust fund baby makes film

[1/10 · 26 October 2021]

Hard to believe that anyone thought this was worth their time not only making but then releasing as "finished" to the world. It's that bad.

My guess is someone has rich parents and gets to do whatever they want and that this particular "thing" makes them feel important and of some worth. Well, this "movie" proves that they should have just stayed in their lane coasting through life with a nice trust fund. It's that bad.

Avoid this and watch Plan 9 From Outer Space to get an idea on how to actually make a semi-coherent film.

American Hardcore (2006)

it's safe now

[3/10 · 25 October 2021]

Hardcore can be purchased safely on Amazon or Hot Topic these days. Yeah, there's several pockets of truly young hardcore bands still out there, but with the world changing as it does, it feels like Sha Na Na at Woodstock.

This doc? Yep, we're all packaged up into another doc or coffee table book that we can purchase and display in our nice suburban middle class homes... WHAT? Didn't it start off rebelling against that? Oops.

Keith Morris lounging in front of the pool. That's it.

Val (III) (2021)

Slow start... predictable, lame ending

[3/10 · 12 October 2021]

Yes, yes, yes and yes to all the obvious "Beetle Juice meets Sam Raimi in the Twilight Zone" comments. Really, that's it. That's the entire film.

The first 3/4 of the film is merely an annoying "comedy" spread over a decent suspense story. It could have worked if they didn't have to shovel in some inane supernatural stuff at the end.

Overall, sorta entertaining and the cast was quite good. It's just not anything you'd recommend to anyone or watch more than once.

Lost (2004–2010)

good start, but rapid decline

[3/10 · 5 October 2021]

I'm rewatching Lost for the first time since it originally aired. The reasons are: 1) lockdown and 2) my daughter is now old enough to appreciate it.

First thoughts are: The first season so far (ep 13), is quite engaging. Honestly, my daughter is usually not at all interested in feature length films and prefers tv shows (youtube/tik tok generation?); but even with tv shows, she can't handle more than one episode. With Lost, she's agreed to a couple nights of double episodes! So that says something.

What it says, sadly, is that 12 years olds are engaged and like the show. For the rest of us... uh... yeah. Sure, as I said, it's engaging. The pace is quick and there's enough characters to really keep you on your toes. Both my wife and I strongly agree that the three lead characters (Jack, Sawyer and Kate) are just flat-out stupid, boring and predictable. In fact, it feels like one of the writers had their preschooler write their parts.

The main three only speak in half sentences filled with vague, hip "attitude". Their back stories are all cliché filled and silly. If my daughter ends up wanting to watch more than three seasons of this, I might have to bow out. I have a strong memory of this show getting stupider and stoopider as the seasons drag on... and I'm not up to that again!

Jettison those characters and then we can focus on the wacky SF/horror adventure going on with everyone else on the island. Granted, the side characters aren't terribly deep or less cliched either, but none of them are as bad as the main three.

Jeebus, please don't let my daughter ask to watch The Sopranos next!

Mare of Easttown (2021)

Drama, not Mystery

[3/10 · 16 September 2021]

This gets points, I guess, for being "authentic" in its treatment of semi-rural Pennsylvanians. I guess. Plus the acting is fairly good. Winslet, however, seems to have just shown up for work: In other words, she's fine, but this isn't her cup of tea.

The script then is nothing but some mild drama with a very slight peppering of "crime" thrown in to attract a larger audience. The townspeople are quirky townies, to be sure; but never ever are more interesting than that. This ain't going anywhere near Twin Peaks.

Winslet, again, is fine; but the vape pen is there because? To make her seem to fit your stereotype of a rural Penn cop? It comes across as a prop in every single scene and never feels natural. Just get rid of it.

There's a few things like that which stand out as forced. The more I watched, the less "authentic" it felt.

Plus, it's freaking DULL. No mind blowing crime or clever mystery to solve. Everything is seen coming 500 miles away.

Prisoners of the Ghostland (2021)

silly, boring and not worth it

[1/10 · 14 September 2021]

Honestly, I'll never "get" the appeal of Nicholas Cage. He does "over the top" and that's it. I think the only film that I've seen him in that I thought his faux gonzo performance worked, was Herzog's Bad Lieutenant. Anything else that I've seen him in is just silly and/or boring.

This is boring and silly. And not "silly" as in "fantastic slapstick comedy", but "omg this is ridiculous". And boring.

Save yr money and read a book about film.

Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020–2024)

not bad.

[3/10 · 13 September 2021]

Olden tyme Trekkie here. This is a decent way to kill a half hour. There is no room for anything here that Trek normally would have going for it (depth, complex situations and characters, etc.). Nope, this is a show squarely made for teenage kids OF older Trekkie parents.

What I mean is, the humor is juvenile, but you won't "get it" unless your parents forced you to watch TNG.

For me, it was fine. Some good gags here and there. I'll definitely watch more.

The animation however... uh, well, the backgrounds were great! The characters, not so much. To fast and choppy for the eye to enjoy. Needs more tweening and fluidity. But, that's minor: no one is watching this for quality animation. Sigh.

Chapelwaite (2021–2023)

full of tropes, bad writing

[3/10 · 13 September 2021]

Honestly, I could care less about the changes in the story. It's a damn near 50 year old short story; how else would you stretch it into a lengthy television series other than major overhaul? No biggie.

My problem with this is that it's just cramming in too many modern horror tropes for no reason. In episode two, for example, the "ghost" guy behind the bedroom door... why? There was no build up to that specifically, and it just appeared for effect only.

Then the "crazy woman ghost" eating the apple. Ugh. The "crazy, tilted-head" trope is boring and they need to come up with something new. She added nothing to the story that seemed to be building just fine on it's own. Why put her there?

The small-minded townspeople thing has been done to death as well.

Typically, I don't mind some revisionism here and there. I'm politically very progressive, so that doesn't bother me: Let's use what historical facts we have and tell the story of history in a modern light. Fine. But, Rebecca is a bit over the top here. The actor is fine, but the lines are just silly. The discussion of whaling in episode 2 was progressing just fine and starting to get into unfair treatment of laborers, etc.; but then Rebecca had to bring up the whale's feelings. I would expect that sort of comment AFTER 1960, but not a hundred years prior. So it felt forced and just unnecessary.

The kids seem to be there only for generic haunted house stuff. Surely I am expecting them to be screaming a lot, put in danger, haunted and maybe possessed. Hell, maybe one will talk to ghosts.

This whole thing is going downhill rapidly. The original story is quite atmospheric and Lovecraftian; a very early story by young Stephen King. It would be a great film or even mini-series. This, however, ain't it.

The Fanatic (2019)

make it stop

[1/10 · 1 September 2021]

I didn't know this was a Durst film until I pressed play. At that point, I thought, "what the hell, why not?"

I was wrong to do this.

Only fans of Limp Bizkit would like this film and all Durst "efforts".

Me? No. It was like having Vinny Barbarino unleash explosive diarrhea all over my television, while Fred Durst free bases Ivermectin in a baby cradle next to me. Screw this.

200 Motels (1971)

Depends...

[7/10 · 28 August 2021]

If you are a huge Zappa fan (his fans tend to be extreme), this is for you. No need to say any more to you.

If you're not a fan: Well... it depends on what you like. The music sometimes is effective (not always enjoyable, but effective). Personally, I find Zappa a bit pretentious more often than not, and that's tough to sit through.

The overall zaniness is also sometimes effective. Some say the film is "saved" by Zappa's music. I will say that it's "saved" by the presence of Flo & Eddie. Those guys not only are freaking hilarious and fun to watch, but they can sing! Especially Howard!

By the time the film is over, if you've lasted that long, you'll feel hit by a truck. It IS a mess. Sometimes it's a fun mess, sometimes it's a slog. Maybe it's best watched by a roomful of college-aged stoners?

Risen (2021)

Sorry, but no.

[1/10 · 25 August 2021]

This film is aimed at 13 year old and/or sad, lonely male vets with beards, tats and more logged hours on a playstation than the average 13 year old. It's that bad.

I mean, "Terri Purchase as Dr. Thompson" kinda says it all. Most of the "actors" here have a small handful of work behind them; mostly straight to video crap. Not a film with any noticeable talent on screen. Or behind. Sigh.

This is bottom of the barrel stuff that even Ed Wood would pass on.

One of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing (1975)

Not funny at all

[2/10 · 5 August 2021]

Exactly what kind of person remembers yellowface fondly and considers it "not so bad"? Plus, what kind of person actually thought this was funny AS a kid? As a ten year old when this came out, I thought it'd be a fun dinosaur film. Dinosaur? Yes. Fun? No.

Upon rewatching recently, I probably "got" more of the slight adult gags here and there, but it didn't improve the overall effect. And then, again, the yellowface was just too much. Jeez, it's 1975 and Bruce Lee was well known; Chinese people can act as real people!! But, then, it's taken Disney up to a few years ago to slowly shift their weird representation of other cultures in their animated films.

Still, a minor film to be sure and not one to whine about changes (for the better) in our culture. Avoid unless doing serious research into cultural history.

Rick and Morty: Mortyplicity (2021) Season 5, Episode 2

the show's tombstone is episode two of season 5

[1/10 · 30 June 2021]

Season 5, Episode 2:

Possibly the most boring and pointless episode of the new season. Already season 4 seemed to start going in circles, but this episode confirms it. The same gag repeated over and over while commenting how lame it is was indeed... lame.

The first episode of the season was sorta okay, but still didn't quite grab me like past seasons. In retrospect, I should have given up then. But, I held out hope for episode 2, only to regret it.

The 50 Best Horror Movies You've Never Seen (2014 TV Movie)

get a life

[1/10 · 15 May 2021]

Instead of watching a documentary ABOUT the films you SHOULD watch, why not actually WATCH THOSE FILMS?

And, if you've seen these films, why are you even watching this dreck?

Oy vey!

CoSM the Movie: Alex Grey & the Chapel of Sacred Mirrors (2006)

pedestrian art and less!

[1/10 · 9 April 2021]

Imagine taking psychedelics and seeing everything clearly! Too clearly! Veins under your skin! Third eyes!

Yeah, that's great the first time. But take it a few more times and you'll have more profound and deeper thoughts. Hopefully. Unless, of course, you're alex grey and you realize that thousands of tripping college frat boys will buy your crappy art for their dorm rooms! Ker-ching!

If you're "experienced", maybe move on to Zap! Comics, R. Crumb, S. Clay Wilson or even actual art in a real museum? Anything but this dreck!

Avoid.

The Mothman of Point Pleasant (2017)

mostly fluff

[3/10 · 25 February 2021]

Well... If you've read the Keel book and seen the Gere film, you probably know everything this doc has to offer. Sure, you get a few more specific first hand stories, including audio and video from some deceased witnesses. Plus you get more than enough footage of the Mothman "Museum" and its curator (calling it a "museum" is a lonnnnng stretch, as it's a novelty shop full of tee shirts and goofy throw-away Mothman nick-nacks, etc) to help those in need of more help. (As if you needed any help, because there's a very amateur narrator butting in throughout).

There's absolutely zero dissection of what the Mothman phenomena possibly is, and this is a huge misstep. There surely are a lot of theories, but none of those get the slightest mention.

Oh! The animations here are actually REALLY good! I was surprised! Well done! But, it looks like they blew their budget on the animations and renting a drone for constant flyover footage (that utterly served no purpose). In the end, this felt like something that Hollywood would buy and tack on to a DVD release of the Gere film. Save your time and money and read Keel's book.