The_Invisible_Dog Reviews

Mad at the Moon (1992)

Different, but not exactly successful.

[5/10 · 26 March 2024]

Odd affair, this one. Promising and unique beginning for a western, very feminine; a dream followed by an opera, followed by the lead (Mary Stuart Masterson)'s emotional reaction to the opera - a lot said without words. Then comes the plot - she is reluctant to marry her suitor (Miller) and instead has more complicated passions with another man (also called Miller). She relents, marries anyway, is unhappy and then we learn that Miller 1 becomes a werewolf (of sorts) at full moon - cue the weakest transformation in werewolf history. Miller 2 is then employed (with Miller 1's consent) to protect MSM at the next full moon event. Spoiler: he does so but not, as is usual, with murder, but by holding him down by his arms (like play-fighting) until he surrenders. That's it.

The movie eludes to thoughtfulness and has a dreamy quality unusual in Westerns, yet there is a lack of clarity in plot, direction and dialogue (even with subtitles). There is a cheap feel, but not in a TV movie way, nor in a lo-fi way, perhaps more like a music video. There's also a couple of random sex scenes, almost soft-porn, thrown in. Lots of people (esp Western fans) would hate this movie and i couldn't recommend it. But it's a curiosity with some tasteful imagery and also a decent score. Hard to rate.

Poor Things (2023)

Frankenstein child-porn packaged as edgy art.

[2/10 · 17 March 2024]

Visually interesting with a mend-bending soundtrack to match. Surreal and steam-punk-esque. Lots of chewing and spitting out food, primal energy outbursts, corpses being cut into, etc etc. It soon becomes apparent that there is just too much 'desire to shock' which sadly cheapens and undermines the films more promising stylistic qualities. Then comes the explanation of how Bella came to be, ie - a child's brain is re-animated in a dead adult's body, this is followed immediately by a scene of Bella masturbating. It felt very inappropriate and uncomfortable to watch after just being told what she is. Then her 'dad' encourages his assistant to marry her (?!). Then quickly comes scenes of her being graphically f---ed by another of the male leads. This is horrible stuff. It's a bizarre age we live in where a man holding a door open for a woman can be regarded as toxic sexism, but a movie about a woman with a baby's brain having lots of lewd sex wins an academy award. No matter how cool the visuals are, this tastes bad.

Surviving Christmas (2004)

Why do so many people hate this movie? Let me explain..

[2/10 · 14 December 2023]

This is worst kind of film in that it purports to be a cosy-looking, family, Christmas comedy while the reality is a non-stop indulgence of inappropriate incest and child/sex 'humor'.

. Too often in certain types of Hollywood pictures there are these creepy sex 'jokes' inserted quietly in the background (Back to the future, Disney classics, etc etc) but once this film has established it's teen masturbation angle, it never lets go. Even the 'granddad' is there leering beside him. Then there's Affleck kissing his 'sister' etc. Why oh why did a comic great like Catherine O'Hara, (especially after playing the Mother in beloved family classic 'Home Alone') agree here to play the part of unwitting porn-star on her son's computer? I enjoy plenty of gross-out and dark comedy but this movie is just plain wrong, especially in such a festive family context.

. And that's without getting into Ben Affleck playing one the most irritating and unfunny comic leads in all of film history. Thank goodness there are lots of other people out there who can see this trash for what it is. Deserves it's awful reputation. Hateful stuff all round, but especially so at Christmas (imagine any other religion having it's sacred festival defiled by such a film!) .

Avoid.

. (p.s. - i didn't give a 1 star rating because I reserve 1 star ratings for genuinely enjoyable 'so bad its good' movies such as 'Showgirls' or Tommy Wiseau's 'The Room'.)

Mr. Perrin and Mr. Traill (1948)

Excellent Character Drama

[9/10 · 6 July 2023]

Surprisingly good, lingers in the mind. In some ways it is like a Hitchcock movie, not least for its focus on the dark side of authority but also for being a lean, well-crafted story. The film inhabits a tight, claustrophobic world but within that there is a full and satisfying spectrum of events which move comfortably from stuffiness to subtle comedy to psychological drama to action and ultimately to something quite moving. The characters and tension between them are more realistic, subtle and complex than are often found in movies of this era. Perrin's awkwardness in pursuit of love, for example, is performed as hilariously as it is heartbreaking. His repressed jealousy and affronted relationship with Mr Traill reminded me of David Brent and Neil Godwin in 'The Office', or Martin and Paul in 'Ever Decreasing Circles', darkly funny, very watchable. The film is well-paced, intelligent, even a little shocking at times, and just gets better as it goes along. Fast becoming one of my favourite films of the 1940s. A minor but rather powerful gem.

Oh Heavenly Dog (1980)

In a no-man's land between kids films and detective stories

[6/10 · 15 May 2023]

A private detective is killed, then comes back to earth, as a dog, in order to solve his own murder. Yet, with the murder and all, it's not really a children's film despite starring Benji (and having the same director as the Benji movies). Apart from the fact he's now a dog, the rest is played curiously straight. Lots of time spent with Benji searching for clues and piecing it all together (Chevy Chase narrates his thoughts). So it's a comedy then? Not especially. There are comic moments, more silly than funny, but the scenes and pace are generally long and spacious. It's basically a rather pedestrian murder-mystery story that just happens to have a dog at the centre. So who is the movie aimed at? I don't really know. Too adult for most children, yet too childish for most adults. I guess Generation-X-ers like myself who like 80s nostalgia and are generally happy to watch Chevy Chase would enjoy it, but that's a small audience. Best thing about it is marvelling at the training, intelligence and capability of Benji the dog. The opening song is also quite cool in an off-beat yacht rock kind of way. Kind of guilty pleasure movie. I enjoyed it more than I probably should have.

Across the Great Divide (1976)

Action entertainment with a good heart.

[7/10 · 12 May 2023]

A family Western adventure. All shot on location. Two orphans (feisty older girl and her younger brother) team up with cheeky con-man on the run (think James Garner meets Michael Landon) for a mission across the mountains in order to claim their (the kids') inheritance. It's a loose set-up that provides an excuse for all the classic Western thrills and spills that follow. A warm and friendly film with beautiful locations (Utah and Alberta, Canada). There's lots of animal scenes with bears, wolves, mountain lion/cougars in pursuit, even otters make a jovial appearance, not to mention their brave and faithful dog who accompanies them all the way. They meet (and stay a while) with Natives. It's an idealised west where the hero just happens to be able to speak the Native tongue. But that's ok, we need this kind of friendly film in the world. Especially in the way that is so distinct to the late 70s (eg - Grizzly Adams) where kids and animals run in slo-mo through long grass to warm sunset country-soul music. It's old-school Disney live-action style but it's miles better than, say, The Apple Dumpling Gang. A good one to show kids as an intro to Westerns etc. Seek the restored version which looks fantastic (eg - on amazon prime video)

Thomasine & Bushrod (1974)

If you like off-beat '70's Westerns - try this.

[7/10 · 17 January 2023]

Bonnie and Clyde out west. You know it's all on a downward spiral. Gets called a Blaxploitation movie and while it does have the themes, characters, attitudes and a style of acting that are all commonly associated with that genre, there is also an unexpected dimension of depth here. Mainly that is due to the relationship between the two leads. They were lovers in real life at the time that this picture was made and it shows. They bring a quiet humanity and personal feeling between them which elevates the movie beyond the limits of its script. I'd like to watch more of them as a duo, surviving and living out west without the obligation to descend into predictable violence. Vonetta McGee has great presence and plays surely one of the most memorable female lead roles in Westerns, ever. Overall - a cool, rare '70s western featuring some great early cars as well as stylish clothes and enjoyable music. It's a 6/10 movie but I give it 7 for it's extra levels of enjoyment.

Buster (1988)

Deserves better recognition.

[7/10 · 10 January 2023]

Played light but there's genuine feeling. Strong cast, Phil Collins works well in this role, as does he and Julie Walters as the hub of the movie: honest with the right touch of romance. She is great in this, as she usually is. There's naturalistic period detail: ketchup, grubby kitchens etc. First half is well-paced with real tension to the train robbery, much like a western but with just the right touch of London humour. Second half lags a little with some silly moments (drunken antics) but it's all the so-called dream heading for the inevitable reality check. Surprised it took this long for me to see it but being 13 when it came out it wasn't cool back then especially with it's music being so overplayed. Seeing it now in 2023 it feels familiar yet innocent and stronger as a UK crime movie than I'd expected. Even the music has become pleasing in a nostalgic way, 'Two Hearts' gave me goosebumps (that key change!).

Christmas Mountain (1981)

Gentle and heart-warming, a low-key, Christmas Western

[8/10 · 23 December 2022]

Cowboys, Christmas, ghosts, human kindness, all in the early 80s: my subconscious could have concocted this just for me. It's Scrooge-esque (Slim Pickens appears a like some gentle Jacob Marley) but our lead guy aint so bad. Good-hearted cowboy sent on a mission to deliver goods by grizzly townsfolk (more like the real Scrooges) to a poor family expecting a baby. They're sheep people but he's a cowboy so never the twain should meet? Thus unfolds a message of harmony between those who are different. 'Little House On The Prairie' feeling of morals and tender emotions (somehow I got wet eyed at his church speech). Carols and folksy Christmas music abounds. Snowy scenes, mellow vibe. Can't think of a more Christmassy western than this.

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Surprisingly, wonderfully bad. I loved it.

[1/10 · 30 October 2021]

It's quite rare to see anything as roughly-assembled and ridiculous as this. I mean, I love trash films/tv but this is gold standard as far as that kind of guilty pleasure is concerned. It's not just 'bad' - this movie has a real character to it.

Yes, there are some waaay over-long scenes (as is common with most 'so bad it's good' movies) but here, even they helped to amplify the insane feeling of this movie.

As the first ten minutes unfolded, I became slowly overtaken by a giggling fit as I began to realise just how off-piste and bad this film really was. I had to double check that it wasn't a parody. I'm so glad it isn't. It's a raw delight.

So many unexpectedly awful and silly moments to remember. Can't wait to see it all again.

1/10 movie that's 8/10 for entertainment value.

A Christmas Carol (2019)

Promises much. Descends into complete mess.

[2/10 · 30 December 2019]

The opening scene depicts a person urinating on the grave of Ebenezer Scrooge. What a perfect metaphor for the 3 hours to follow. It may as well be Dickens' grave they are p---ing on.

As with many modern remakes - the rather childish desire to be 'edgy' far outweighs the quality of the end product. Too often these days, classic stories such as this serve as mere convenient nests for modern cuckoos to steal and coo from. I guess they are either too lazy or simply incapable of building their own enduring platforms from scratch, so they have to steal the hard work of others and tweak it to suit themselves and their cliched, self-congratulatory woke messages.

I'm not a Scrooge traditionalist. There are many wild and original takes on the story that I love and I encourage more. I'm all up for darkness too - the story is supposed to be dark. But this goes beyond 'dark'. It is exploitative. It incorporates themes such as child abuse/pedophilia but does so without any sensitivity, depth or understanding, instead it brings these serious themes into the story merely to increase 'shock value' for the sake of its own drama. Disgusting that it does it so casually and shamelessly, especially as it purports to be on the side of the underdog.

There is SOOOOO much else wrong with this series:

CHARACTERS:

SCROOGE sounds like Ken Livingstone. BOB Cratchett has no goodness or seasonal spirit - he's just angry and weak. MRS Cratchett (where to begin!) is an egotistical bully, she is also a liar with no agency who blames others for her own mistakes and bitterness. The fact she was re-written to become the ultimate focal point/hero of the whole story is simply weird and a total fail. The Cratchett FAMILY is stressful and devoid of love - at times it felt like watching a shouty episode of EastEnders. TINY Tim is perhaps the warmest and best actor - but he is rewritten here as a mere side-note of the story (no end-message of God, Blessings or Goodwill to all). MARLEY - what happened? He floated about looking like Bob Mortimer in a Shooting Stars sketch. ALI BABA - as with Tiny Tim - provided the only moments of warmth, likability or decent acting.

The atmosphere was thin. The acting - hammy. The whole show was so uneven, lacking an overall tempo. Many important story moments were omitted altogether. Some scenes were skitted over, while many scenes dragged on and on.

And as for the ending??????????

It completely misses the whole basic point of the story: a seasonal, uplifting message of redemption/forgiveness - and replaces it with a message of......unforgiveness.

Perfect really, as this is an unforgivable mess.

Ralph Breaks the Internet (2018)

Ralph 2 Breaks The Magic Of The Original

[4/10 · 9 December 2019]

**SERIOUS SPOILERS BELOW**

I loved Wreck-It-Ralph - one of my top ten Disney movies, in fact. Its message was warm and positive: outcasts finding true value in their uniqueness. More than that, what you remember the original for most is the real, enduring friendship between Ralph and Vanelope.

Well along comes number 2 and blows that out of the water.

Like so many others here, I agree it began well, but then it turned and all the warm-hearted friendship set up in Ralph 1 was replaced with a cold-hearted, lecture full of modern social-political cliches. Yawn.

Vanelope doesn't just leave Ralph to go live in 'Slaughter Race', but she rejects her origins, her family, and all the children/fans who loved to play her in 'Sugar Rush' - she was their favourite character! She rejected a happy, fun world to go live in a dystopian hellscape.

Yes i get there is a message about 'growing up' time to leave the nest etc. But unlike Ralph 1 lingers in its end message of embrace your unique voice within a loving family. Ralph 2 leaves a nasty aftertaste where friendship and loyalty are portrayed as clingy and obstructive and selfish abandonment of them in pursuit of wild danger and 'living the life'.

Basically an advert for consumerism at its worst: forget the origins that nurtured you and all those annoying responsibilities to fellow humans that love you - Life is all about YOU!!

Bah.

The Castaway Cowboy (1974)

Exotic promise, flat result.

[5/10 · 24 August 2013]

Never heard of this before? No, nor had i until recently. There's a good reason for that.

The premise sounds intriguing but the plot is ultra-predictable. The pace is heavy and slow with lots of shouty Disney voices and long, loud boring scenes of cows being rounded up.

Plot spoiler alert : Cowboy washes up in Hawaii. Ends up in house of widow and her young son looking for a father figure. Can you see where this is going? The widow runs a potato farm that is under invasion from pests. What kind of pests? No, not flies or birds - but cattle! But hey - guess who knows how to round up cattle and save the day? But he can't do it single handed..

Cue wacky scenes of Garner recruiting the Hawaiian locals to become cowboys. One of them even jumps on the saddle facing the wrong way! The film seems to think the Hawaiian locals are that stupid.

For a short film it really drags and feels more like a 50s western in tone than 1974 when it was made. You'd think Sergio Leone and McCabe and Mrs Miller had never happened.

The best thing about it is a brief, strange foray into witchcraft when the jealous villain of the picture hires the local witchdoctor to curse the cattle venture and Garner follows him to his voodoo style cave dwelling which feels like a Sinbad movie set.

For that (and the nice warm exotica opening theme) i bump up my review to 6 stars.

Otherwise i got so bored i watched the second half on fast forward and could still tell every single thing that was going on.

Shrek the Third (2007)

Promises much, delivers little

[4/10 · 19 February 2012]

The weakest Shrek film. Feels like it was hashed together quickly with little development to the characters or plot.

I mean, this is Shrek. A massive film enterprise with all the resources and funding at it's fingertips. By part 3 it should be incredible. What the Shrek films do best, by definition, is to re write classic fairy tales and characters in a new modern and 'funny' way, right?

So it should be. But in this film - it fails.

Big example - and here is the spoiler - is this is the moment in the Shrek saga where we are introduced to Arthur and Merlin ! The 'Shrek' version of Arthut and Merlin should be an explosive and hilarious highlight in all of Shrek films. My god, it really isn't. Arthur (voiced by Justin Timberlake) sounds exactly like Fry from Futurama but with not even 100th of the quality of the jokes. Merlin (voiced by Eric Idle) turns up in a holographic blaze of promise but then is hardly in it at all after that. No character development, no banter between Arthur and Merlin. They go absolutely nowhere. The voices and the look of the characters do not even suit. It could have been so classic but it just isn't.

The whole film feels lazy and uneven. It meanders and splutters it's way heavily through the weak plot and never really gets going. Certain scenes are massively overwritten with too much dialogue, i was constantly distracted throughout.

The worst thing about the Shrek films is those moments when you feel they are trying too hard to be funny. This film is pretty much like that the whole way through.

This one's a tired old affair and no one feels like they are having fun. Thankfully, the 4th one was much better.

The Magic Ball (1971–1972)

The cult kids TV show that no one told you about

[13 February 2012]

Quintessential quirky English telly. Made in 1971, written and narrated by Eric Thompson of 'Magic Roundabout' fame (he did all the voices in the original). The animation is produced by Brian Cosgrove and Mark Hall who went on to create 'Danger Mouse', 'Count Duckula' and 'Chorlton and the Wheelies'. However the animation here is far more inventive and wild than those later shows, using a combination of mixed media - cartoon, painting, photography etc which at times resembles Terry Gilliam's Monty Python skits.

The show's premise is similar to that of another UK kids favourite - Mr Benn. There, Mr Benn enters the fancy dress shop, changes into a costume and is magically transported to whatever world his costume represents. If he dresses as a knight - he goes on to fight dragons etc. Here in The Magic Ball, we have young Sam inside his Aunt Mil's antique shop by the sea. With the aid of his trusty magic ball he is magically whirled away to the world of whatever curious object he picks up. Off on another adventure and back home again in time for tea.

13 episodes in series one, all different adventures ranging from encounters with Cavemen to Highwaymen, Princesses to Chimney sweeps, Chimpanzees, Cowboys and flying carpets.

It's a great 'lost' kids TV program, hugely underrated and forgotten despite winning two silver medals at the Venice film festival of children's films. It is also rather psychedelic and makes great after hours viewing for adults.

A cross between 'Mr Benn' and 'Jamie and the magic torch' is a fair way to describe it. A real treat and well worth seeking out if you like this type of thing.

Minder (1979–1994)

A London loved and lost

[10/10 · 9 February 2012]

Anyone who had a TV set in England in the 1980s will know Minder. A beloved series to many, a guilty pleasure to many more and a load of old codswallop to a few others. But hey, that's just horses for courses. The show ran like a backbone through British TV in the 80's. To watch it now is nostalgic and in some ways quite cosy viewing, but there is so much more to it than that.

First and foremost it is gloriously entertaining. Especially the first few series - hardly a duff episode, if any. The humour and delivery are consistent throughout, always with a variety of interesting characters who are all a bit like someone you know or knew.

The plots in general are reliably similar - i.e. Arthur (the wheeler/dealer businessman) ropes in Terry (the good hearted, odd job man/minder) to help out in his latest scheme, masquerading the job to Terry as something far less dodgy than it actually is. Thus, Terry lands unknowingly in hot water, fisticuffs ensue (as does the occasional bunk up with some dolly bird) but Terry usually comes up trumps and ends up saving both the day and Arthur - who more often than not ends up with egg on his face. A classic sit-com set up - but always so very enjoyable.

George Cole is a comic master. He cut his teeth in Ealing Comedy films, appearing in them since he was a youngster with the legendary Alistair Sim as his mentor of sorts. He even played the young Ebenezer in the classic 1951 'Scrooge'. In Minder, his Arthur Daley is one of the most memorable UK TV characters of all time.

Dennis Waterman is more the straight man if you like and brings with him all the rough diamond charm established in previous programs such as the brilliant 'The Sweeney'. Minder allows him far more room and air time to show warmth and stretch his comedy legs while losing none of the 'ard man who can be a bit tasty with his fists as and when required.

The show also features a whole host of UK classic and character actors, too numerous to mention. It's a real treat watching Minder, not knowing who will turn up, how or when. In fact that is one of the great things about Minder, it feels like a huge family of UK TV greats portraying with solidity, quality and often a tongue in cheek, a whole world of London that is sadly pretty much now gone.

Decades since it first aired, it is amazing already as a time capsule. For eg - in one episode i saw recently, Arthur drove his mustard XJ6 jaguar into a posh, residential square in Chelsea and swept straight into a parking space! There were no other cars parked, no yellow lines, no parking restriction signs, no speed bumps, no cctv etc. Oh how things have changed!

Not only that but he then offered to buy a bloke's Chelsea flat for £10,000! You couldn't buy a garage for that now, i kid you not.

So it serves now as a caper through a very real London of the time. Warm and light of heart, tough, gritty and almost bleak in places but always funny.

To anyone who wants to know what it was like in London in the 1980s, this would be an essential piece of your TV jigsaw. A comfortable addition to 'Only Fools and Horses'. In fact, put 'The Sweeney' and films such as 'The Long, Good Friday' and 'Babylon' into the pot and you are getting there nicely, my son.

Hugo (2011)

More nostalgia than adventure - this is a film about dreams.

[7/10 · 13 December 2011]

The site reviews of this film seem to be one extreme or the other. I can see both sides.

I'm sure that many felt disappointed in this movie because they expected a fun filled, family, Christmassy, period adventure film in 3D. It does come across that way from the marketing.

True it has all those elements, but what is unclear until you see this film is it is less of a family adventure movie and more a nostalgic look back at the glorious and magical days of early film. Particularly it is a biographical story about the great film pioneer George Melies.

If early film is not something that interests you, then you probably won't be 100% interested in everything this film has to offer. But beyond that there is still a wonderful world of magic, mechanics, childhood, wonder and dreams, all set in a bygone age, making 'Hugo' a real treat in it's own right.

Plus it's a joy to see a 3D film set in snowy, golden 1930's Paris rather than just 3D action blockbusters.

'Hugo' is brimming with Martin Scorcese's affection for the subject.Not just one of the world's greatest film historians, here he has brought the old world of film to life. Stories can be more powerful than text books.

In fact, my most magical moments of the movie were the scenes of Melies shooting his films back in the early 1900s. 'Hugo' allows us to revisit and re-experience these old treasures in a whole new light - now in glorious colour and 3D. You can trust Scorcese to get the accuracy of the details just right.

So this for me, is Scorcese's greatest magic trick in the film - breathing new life into old classics. I'm sure Melies would have approved and probably would have shot them in colourful 3D himself, had he had the technology back in 1900. 110 years later - Scorcese is doing it for him. I actually found this quite a moving tribute.

Also worth adding is Sacha Baron Cohen's character and acting were hilarious. Echoes of Peter Sellers in Dr Strangelove. Made me laugh out loud a few times. I put that in here because there are some negative reviews of him and i think those people may have missed the subtly, nuance and timing of which Cohen is a master.

So overall, expect less and get more. Expect a movie about film nostalgia and experience a movie about dreams, magic and the warming of the human soul.

Now i know what to expect of 'Hugo', i'm sure i will enjoy it even more on 2nd viewing. I'm sure others will too.