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Reviews
Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (2018)
It's everything I want in a show but...
I have been searching for years for something to fill the void Buffy left after it went off air. No other show has been able to capture that perfect mixture of storytelling, action, acting, horror themes, Satan, witches, magic and monsters quite like Buffy did the only thing that has come remotely close is AHS Coven+Apocalypse.
Sadly CAofS does not live up to those expectations. This incarnation of Sabrina has entirely too many fundamental flaws at this point to recommend. With some serious changes the show could be great but if things remain as they are it won't last five seasons.
Some bizarre casting choices, the two aunts don't sound like they're from the same continent let alone same family tree. Red head aunt is great, blonde aunt needs to be recast she doesn't fit in at all, if she were cast as the house keeper it would've been fully believable but there is no way in hell this Zelda and Hilda are related which throws that entire narrative out the window.
Adding in Ambrose as an original character rather than have him be the human form of Salem is a questionable choice at best not to mention much of his screen time is reduced to being the token "gay" rather than having any significant storyline. It would've been much more effective to have him be cursed to live as a cat in the house while being able to project a human form.
The casting of Sabrina is terrible. They found some girl that looks the closest they could find to Emma Watson without taking into account if she could act. She has the absolute worst most wooden delivery I have ever seen. She's totally unbelievable as an actress, she does not act she just delivers lines. In this the entire universe revolves around Sabrina and every other character feels just there to pad screen time further. Everything is about Sabrina, everything involves Sabrina, Sabrina is the most perfect amazing solution for everything and EVERYTHING needs to be set-up around her every one else is just background noise for Sabrina to be the focus of.
Harvey's character has been reduced from the dumb but cute and loving boyfriend to a Johnny-sue desperately in love, doting and fawning hollow shell of an empty love interest.
Then of course every new show has to have that one "gender neutral" character, speaking as a trans woman we skipped right past casting transgender characters and went right to "non-binary" which I personally find insulting.
Sexy teacher is amazing, the High Priest does a decent job but there is only so much they can do with the amateur writing. It says a lot about a show when the villains are way more compelling then the main heroine. After finishing the first season I just kind of want Satan to win because of how insufferable Sabrina is.
"Oh I love you more than anything in the world you're my everything" - Proceeds to eat each others faces for a solid minute of screen time.
The worst offender so far is the writing, whoever writes the dialog should be fired immediately and never be allowed to write character dialog again. Absolutely NO ONE speaks the way the majority of the characters talk to each other. I have laughed out loud several times during the first few episodes, not because what was said was meant to be funny but because of how absolutely absurd the dialog is. There are very few conversations that happen between characters however there is a metric **** ton of thesaurus word vomit happening in every scene.
They don't really seem to converse with each other just throw r/iamverysmart word salad at each other.
Having every character spout extensive dialog with an abundance of grandiose language (see how obnoxious that comes across?) really cheapens the entire thing. Sabrina sounds like every not popular nerd teen's intellectual wet dream it's very off putting as she just does not seem believable in the role nor is this archetype enjoyable to endure.
The heroine getting literally everything handed to her deus ex machina style, having the entire universe center around her but not in the Buffy way where everyone gets a fair storyline even if it's about Buffy is hamfisted. She's walking perfection and it's plain boring to watch. Sabrina is supposed to be likable to make people root for her, this one I just want her off the screen because literally all the other characters are more enjoyable, not to mention the scenes with her and Harvey are stomach turningly cringe.
This series should be everything I want in a show but it's been so disappointing over all. It's as though they have stolen amazing storylines from Buffy+AHS Coven+Harry Potter+The Craft+Hanna Montana with the backdrop of Sabrina to make this but it ends up being a cheap knock off of much better material.
I swear if the finales message is love and friendship always wins I'll barf.
The "real world" parts and the "Witch world" parts just don't mesh well together in this. The contrast is so stark it's like going from an after school special to a poor PG-13 horror movie from scene to scene.
Several issues could be dealt with by recasting Sabrina+Hilda and hiring new writers + restructuring dialog but If the cringe word salad remains I can't see it lasting very long as it leaves a lot to be desired.
If you're an edgy teenage girl I'm sure you'll love it but if you're from the Buffy generation+ I doubt you'll find much fulfillment here as it's an amalgamation of much better TV shows storylines.
Stick to AHS unless the writing can be GREATLY improved upon and Sabrina is made even slightly likable.
Revenge (2017)
Worth it
Just to see Kevin Janssens naked. Good lord that man is delicious.
Ghostland (2018)
Hoo buddy it's bad but go ahead and believe the fake reviews
Coming from the director of the scariest movie in the horror genre this was such a disappointment on all fronts.
So many shadows fill the screen so you can't see 80% of what's going on.
The "scares" are relegated to jump scares that only startle you. Jump scares are annoying and a cop out to making a movie scary. Being startled does not equal scary.
Your other part of "scares" are just gore scenes. They were done very well in Martyrs and actually added to the story, here it just seems like it was to check off boxes rather than lend to storytelling.
A collection of some of the most dreadful bunch of female "actresses" that were hired purely on their ability to scream and wail rather than actually you know, act.
Then you've got little taylor with her former non-scared face that sued the production because "she'll never work again". Her IMDB page says differently. Honey you're not getting roles, not for a scar on your face but for the fact you cannot act. Then you go on to sue the people who SADLY took a chance on you? You shouldn't get any roles, not because of the scar but because you're literally not able to act and are headed down the Katherine Heigl path of biting the hand that feeds you. Hope her lawsuit gets thrown out since she's had several roles since this supposed "career ending scar".
Then we have some disgusting transphobic grossness which I never thought this director would do but here it is mocking us trans women. In the words of Rockstar from BB20... DISGUSTING! It was at this point I turned it off. The screaming, wailing and jump startles you can see coming for a mile for the majority of the movie was horrid enough to sit through but I will not continue watching something that mocks who I am. Bad form and totally disappointed the director would do this.
To anyone that wants to make horror movies and is casting roles for the love of fake god STOP HIRING WOMEN JUST TO SCREAM FOR AN HOUR! And STOP bashing trans women.
I'd give it a zero if I could. Totally disappointed in you Pascal Laugier.
Shi mian (2017)
Terrible
It's pretty much an hour and 10 minutes of set-up and much boringness for 20 minutes of pretty tame gore at the end. All these pointless scenes and set-up for literally no pay off. Nothing gets resolved, no explanation of why Dr dude did what he did at the end. Honestly the most compelling part of the movie was with the main character's father in flash backs. I think if the movie was focused more on the Japanese invasion you'd have an interesting movie but honestly the stuff you see in flash backs has nothing to do with what happens in the present besides the whole 'curse' thing but even that doesn't get any spotlight in the present outside of a few jump scares of a dead girl à la the grudge, which did it much much MUCH better.
Present guy has literally ZERO effects of the curse that made his father crazy through the entire movie, nothing about him not being able to sleep or being super nutso but he ends up crazy anyways? I think mainly it's the editing to blame because it's very choppy story-wise. The past segments are very well thought out and you get much more information but the present parts really are a jumbled mess with no explanation. Buddy goes from totally normal to psychotic in the span of 30 seconds for no reason nor do we get an explanation why. I really feel like they should delete all the present parts and re-do it only focusing on the past with the war, the sisters and what they went through. That would've been a good movie.
Quite frankly the flash back part should've been the entire movie. The present part of the movie was just awful. An old man pawning after a woman at least half his age and she has zero interest in him, so he tortures her with sleep deprivation and eats her? Wtf? We see zero effects of the guy not sleeping like what happened to his father nor any explanation of why not sleeping makes you eat yourself. It just doesn't make sense at all and I love me some wonky horror movies but this one is just so unsatisfying.
There wasn't enough time spent learning about the sisters. No information given about the curse magic their father is teaching one of them, just nothing. So much time is spent focusing on characters that really have nothing to do with the main plot of the movie. I'm not sure if it got chopped up so bad in editing or what but there isn't a lot of continuity in this movie. It feels like two different movies spliced together with the same main character so it ends up just really not fitting in together.
Honestly the best part of the movie was seeing a dick, which was a pleasant surprise cause we don't get enough full frontal male nudity in movies it's always boobs or lady butt gross. If you're in the mood for foreign horror watch Martyrs, Tale of two sisters or Audition or something. This one is hot garbage and the gore wasn't even good enough to call it torture porn. Hard pass.
All Male, All Nude (2017)
Only worth watching for the floppy flaccid richards
All Male, All Nude is a lame documentary about male strippers in a gay full frontal nudie bar in Atlanta featuring some of the most painfully average looking guys I've ever seen. In between floppy richards and butt shots you see men bouncing around the stage in the same few scenes which get repeated often to some really awful techno beats. There are some light (boring mostly) interviews with some of the dancers however very few are enjoyable to listen to. The interesting one doesn't get enough screen time while the whiners, complainers and the ones that just don't seem to enjoy what they're doing getting most of the interview time. It's quite short at only an hour long and nothing really happens that's worth a documentary being made. I was expecting a dirty tale of the hardships and tribulations male strippers actually go through but the majority of things discussed are boring fluff that serves no purpose. There is no prostitution discussed, barely any drugs discussed, not one word of how family reacted to their profession just nothing juicy or interesting. Absolutely nothing noteworthy is talked about. In one word this documentary is just plain boring. Watch it if you enjoy seeing some painfully average guys flopping their junk around otherwise it's a total waste of time in my opinion. If there were some dramatic moments, hard hitting topics or literally ANYTHING exciting going on it'd be worth a watch but literally nothing happens outside of one guys "wrap up" paragraph at the end which in my opinion did not do the man justice.
Now the part you want to know about the men.... Mega spoilers.
Sean - Totally annoying, no muscle what so ever, terrible tattoos a below average package and one of the most annoying southern accents I've ever heard. He spends most of his interview time whining about being a single dad and talking about all the women (HAAAAAHAAAAA!) he's dated. Pro tip, if you're a man working in a gay strip club, you're gay whether you have a kid or not. Hard pass. Also he gets entirely too much screen time and nothing he says is even mildly interesting. They should have interviewed the hot piece of chocolate instead.
Pierce - Cute but a total moron, He's paid to shake his privates in peoples faces fully nude, yet doesn't want to be viewed as a 'piece of meat'. Wish I was joking but I'm not. He probably is the best looking face wise, but again he suffers from similar terrible tattoos that Sean has. I commend him for paying his way through school by working at this place but seeing how dumb he is in regards to strippers actual job, he shouldn't be working as one. Stripper = eye candy/piece of meat broski.
Roided up gay DJ - Total douche, rude and probably has balls the size of peas cause of the clearrrrrr use of steroids. He gets off on fat shaming women that come to the club for a good time and laughs about it and whines about how much worse the male dancers are vs the women which I don't believe for a minute (speaking as a woman we're entirely way more dramatic and catty then any man, even gay men aren't as catty as women are). Doesn't have too much screen time thankfully but 30 seconds of him is still too much I mean he ain't even cute.
Dallas - Most of his screen time is dodging sexual preference questions and talking about a dancer that died of an overdose. He's alright, clearly gay but doesn't want to comment on his sexuality because it "could hurt business". Pro tip, they're all gay. It's a gay bar. Also he wrestled in high school.... How much more proof do you need? Also they out him when you get to the "wrap up" paragraph at the end so I personally found that kind of funny after all the time he spends dodging the sexual preference questions.
Troy - People actually pay him to get naked? I'd pay him to leave. Thank god he only gets a minute of screen time. What was the point?
Matthew - Blonde, blue eyed bi twink. His screen time is limited to saying he's bi and laughing while standing next to a car outside. What was the point?
Steven - Probably the most charismatic of all the men interviewed in this documentary. He's very intelligent and well spoken and spends most of his screen time talking about trying to get his music career going and what it's like actually working as a stripper. He is actually the only one that doesn't whine the entire time he's on screen. Honestly this documentary should've just been about him. I could've just watched him be interviewed for the entire thing because he is the only one worth listening to. I won't say anything more about him cause it may spoil for anyone that actually wants to watch this, but damn man.
Special mention to the hot black guy. He doesn't get interviewed sadly but you see him in the background a fair bit. He has the best body out of all the dancers and according to some of the guys has the biggest richard, which makes all the other dancers wicked jelly and no one wants to dance on stage next to him. I felt like he needed a special mention cause of this, yet he's like the only one we don't actually get to see flopping around which is highly disappointing seeing how he's praised as having such a big one. They really should've replaced Sean's interviews with him cause I would've loved to hear him talk about how all the other guys are jealous of him for packing a mega richard. Big loss in my opinion.
I rate this 3/10 simply cause there are two really nice uncut ones you get to see a few times (I have a preference for them lol). They are the only saving grace about this awful documentary outside of Steven which the third star is just for him. As much as I wanted to enjoy this documentary it's not interesting or exciting. It's not hard hitting, it's not juicy, it's just richards swinging and guys whining for the most part. Honestly this documentary was a massive let down even though I wasn't expecting much out of it. I got much less then I expected.