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Reviews
Reptile (2023)
Convoluted and dull
Really, just don't waste your time. It's a police thriller that's two hours longer that it needs to be. BdT is good, as is Timberlake, but the plot simply can't sustain the 135 minute runtime.
Grant Singer's thriller "Reptile" uncovers department-wide corruption within the Scarborough police force as Detective Nichols tracks down the killer of a young real estate agent.
Will Grady killed Summer in a plot twist that may feel formulaic, but Justin Timberlake's role adds an enjoyable element of surprise.
In the end we discover that Summer was killed because she was planning to reveal the truth about a drug laundering scheme involving the police department and the shell company White Fish.
The narrative gets convoluted, but the tension and tone remain missing.
The Big Door Prize (2023)
Dull, boring and pointless
Who the heck is rating this dross highly? For a supposed comedy drama, it's not funny and it's not dramatic.
I loved O'Dowd in the IT Crowd and Get Shorty, but here he's just a pathetic punch bag. The black woman playing his wife is gorgeous though.
Who the heck is rating this dross highly? For a supposed comedy drama, it's not funny and it's not dramatic.
I loved o'dowd in the it crowd and get shorty, but here he's just a pathetic punch bag. The black woman playing his wife is gorgeous though.
Who the heck is rating this dross highly? For a supposed comedy drama, It's not funny and it's not dramatic.
Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (2021)
It is impossible to describe how awful this is
It is impossible to describe how awful this is. I'm not sure I can give you 60 characters, let alone 600.
Reynolds is just window dressing and SLJ a parody of his pulp fiction persona.
Salma Hayek does nothing but swear in her ridiculous accent and bounce her magnificent breasts (this wins one star).
If there's a plot it's buried beneath the constant shooting, exploding and swearing.
Seriously, if you have 90 minutes to spare, do some yoga or something. Maybe gouge your own eyes out with a carving fork. Most definitely do NOT waste it watching this huge steaming pile of excrement.
You'll thank me.
Violent Night (2022)
Who is giving a high rating to this dross?
I was coaxed into the cinema to watch 'Die Hard with Santa'.
And whilst that's a decent enough premise, the movie is utter dross. There is much violence, which I suppose you should expect given the title, but it was all pathetic choreographed fisticuffs or senseless murder. None of the tension in the Nakatomi tower!
There were a few funny jokes about Santa being drunk and vomiting over the barmaid, but the rest of the film is so dull you would be far, far better off watching bad Santa on tv.
I have no idea how it ends as I left after 45 minutes. Presumably Santa kills all the baddies and the black woman forgives her weedy white husband.
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)
I hate myself for watching this
This film is just horrible. I hate myself for watching it, but it is cold outside and I was very bored.
So many of the scenes in the film are direct copies of T2 set pieces, but with women in the leading roles and a CGI terminator that's just horrible.
I know the movie grossed $260 million worldwide, so they're going to continue milking this cash cow until its nipples bleed, but from a story, tech and artistic point of view they should have stopped after the first two films.
Even when Arnold shows up be can't save this awful tripe. You simply can't believe these women having the strength to hold the weapons, let alone defeat a terminator.
Ticket to Paradise (2022)
Really rather dull, but Queensland looks lovely
I'd heard good things about this movie and although I looked at my watch constantly it was engaging enough to keep me in the theatre.
The story revolves around law school graduate Lily who takes a trip to Bali and falls in love with a seaweed farmer. When her parents find out they go to 'Bali' to persuade her not to do it.
Of course they fail, she gets married, and in a plot twist telegraphed from about the first minute, her parents decide to get back together despite the fact they hate each other.
Clooney really isn't into it and there's no chemistry at all with Roberts. And I must be getting old, because the woman playing the presumably twenty-something Lily looks about 15 to me and I simply couldn't buy her performance.
But the Australian scenery is beautiful.
Agent Game (2022)
Incoherent nonsense
I really don't know what else to say. Lots of people get shot at for no apparent reason. Some of them die. Mel Gibson disks into a phone. Some more people get shot at and some of them die.
The script is appalling, the acting village.
I really don't know what else to say. Lots of people get shot at for no apparent reason. Some of them die. Mel Gibson disks into a phone. Some more people get shot at and some of them die.
The script is appalling, the acting village.
I really don't know what else to say. Lots of people get shot at for no apparent reason. Some of them die. Mel Gibson disks into a phone. Some more people get shot at and some of them die.
The script is appalling, the acting village.
Surrogates (2009)
Interesting but flawed
Interesting movie, Surrogates.
Looks like they re-used props from 'They Live', T3 and Total Recall. Had a really low-budget feel in places, even though they spent $80m.
It's a mess of an ending though.
Canter wants to destroy the Surrogates so their operators returned to the real world, but was actually about to kill all the humans too.
So then Bruce Willis did something with the fat bloke that saved all the human operators.
Canter didn't want to kill the humans, but was about to.
Odd.
The Orville: From Unknown Graves (2022)
Black people need to forgive whites for enslaving them
Interesting episode this. Some backstory about how the Kalon were mistreated as slaves, so fought back and became genocidal maniacs.
And then the moral at the end was 'that would mess people up for a long time, but an entire race can't be evil', so essentially blacks need to get over their ancestors mistreatment as slaves and stop hating whites.
Not often you get this kind of political reversal from Hollywood.
The Orville: Mortality Paradox (2022)
Come back John DeLancie. All is forgiven!
An immortal being decides to play games with the crew to see what death feels like, putting them through a bizarre series of pointless situations where they 'die'.
This is basically a Q episode of TNG but without the humour.
No idea why it's got good reviews.
The Orville: Shadow Realms (2022)
Star Trek TOS meets Alien
Frankly a dreadful episode. A mashup of TOS 'The devil in the dark' episode and 'Alien'.
Poor writing, World War Z style arachnid zombies and a big red reset button ending.
Jurassic World Dominion (2022)
Diverting but ultimately disappointing
There was an interesting storyline here of the megalomaniac fighting with the conscientious employees and the accidental creation of a dinosaur/locust hybrid that would collapse the food chain and cause humans to go extinct, but the resolution to the latter was kind of forgotten. Maybe it was left on the cutting room floor to make way for the ridiculous Pratt taming velociraptors.
Two or three totally unnecessary lesbianisms made me mark this down from a six to a four.
Top Gun: Maverick (2022)
Paper thin plot and nothing to love.
Let's get this straight. Very few people are bigger fans of the original top gun than me, and I've waited decades for this sequel.
But it is truly awful, which has really upset me.
The plot is paper thin, with the mission ripped shamelessly from Star Wars.
There is no explanation about the scramjet programme that Maverick was piloting before he presumably crashed it.
There are no characters to love and no characters to hate.
There is no explanation for Penny Benjamin being the love of Maverick's life, given all we know about her previously was one 'ballistic' incident in the 80s.
There is precisely zero chemistry between Maverick and Benjamin.
There is precisely no sense of camaraderie between the 'best of the best' that Maverick has to coach for the 'suicide mission'. Nor is there any real sense of competition amongst them, unlike the original where they were vying for the top gun trophy.
The topless football game in the sea is a very poor rip off of the topless volleyball in the original.
There is no enemy. The main danger comes from surface to air missiles.
And finally, the shark is well and truly jumped when they steal a 40-year old F14 that is magically charged and fuelled, then take off from a runway they destroyed half an hour into the movie.
Seriously, I could go on but I won't.
Two stars for the aerial photography and the skill of the actually pilots, but there is nothing else to recommend here.
Perhaps this is what the original would have been without the genius script that was actually about one man's struggle with his sexuality with a few aerial battles thrown in, rather than just a movie about fighter pilots.
Death on the Nile (2022)
If Poirot were any good this movie would be fifteen minutes long
Aside from a pointless bit in the trenches of WW1 to give Poirot some backstory, the movie essentially begins in London where he watches blues singer Salome Otterbourne performing. He notices Jacqueline "Jackie" de Bellefort is there with her unemployed fiancé Simon Doyle. Jackie's childhood friend, heiress Linnet Ridgeway, soon arrives. After being introduced to Simon, Linnet agrees to hire him as her estate agent.
However, in full view of Poirot, Simon dances exceedingly erotically with Linnet while his fiancée Jackie just looks on.
If Poirot were any good he'd have seen there and then that Simon and Jackie were setting up a con to steal Linnet's fortune. There's simply no way anyone would watch calmly as their fiancé virtually made love with another woman on the dancefloor.
But no, we go through a tiresome whodunnit where, true to form for Agatha Christie, everyone had some kind of motive. Several people die before Poirot gets them all in a room and announces what should have been obvious from the beginning.
Survivor (2015)
Poor script meets poor acting
It's amazing how much a bad script and bad acting can ruin what might have been a decent film.
Jovovich has no presence, Brosnan is going through the motions and the script and direction are very average.
The Last Bus (2021)
Touching story ruined by woke politics
Just sat through this bittersweet film where Timothy Spall played an old man travelling from John O'Groats to Lands End.
My god did they lay on the woke politics despite it adding precisely nothing to the story. He stood up for a Pakistani in a hijab, was rescued by a black woman, was given a lift by some Ukrainians and gave a crying lesbian a hug.
Red Notice (2021)
Maximum viewing age of 16
This is hilariously awful, but if you're a child you'll appreciate it in the same way I loved the A team.
Thousands of bullets fired at point blank range and no one is even injured, let alone killed.
The jokes are corny and the CGI appalling.
You have been warned.
Dune (2021)
Just dull
I'm not sure I can find 150 characters to express how boring this movie is. But seriously, you must have better things to do with 2½ hours of your life.
Colony: A Clean, Well-Lighted Place (2018)
Jumped ahead and landed on a shark
As all the other reviews allude, this episode has no place in the timeline of the first 2½ seasons, and just isn't believable even in science fiction.
The Bowmans just turn up in Seattle, jump ahead of all the queuing vagrants and all but the girl land decent jobs using false names, despite the authority knowing who they are.
The first episode of season two shows how good colony could have been, but the writers just weren't up to it.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: In Theory (1991)
Cringe
What a horrible episode. They should have left Data's romantic efforts in season one with Tasha Yar, but no, they wasted a whole episode on it here.
Worse still, the woman who has romantic designs on him is a complete mess, mentally and physically. Fortunately she dumps him at the end because of his lack of emotion - well duh!
Lucky escape!
Colony: Eleven.Thirteen (2017)
Should have been the pilot.
This is an awesome and suspenseful episode of this sadly-missed series. Should really have been the pilot episode, or at least really early in season 1.
Dave Chappelle: The Closer (2021)
Chappelle's worst special
Forget all the LBGT uproar. That's just slightly more dull than the rest of this show.
A bit of a shame and a rush job following the brilliant sticks and stones.
Colony: Yoknapatawpha (2016)
Poor filler episode
Nothing ever happens. Nothing happens at all. The needle returns to the start of the song and we all sing along like before.
This episode is just REALLY annoying. Skip it and go on to Broussard.
No Time to Die (2021)
The last Bond movie I'll ever see
And the reason for that, is it's the last Bond movie ever made.
They killed Felix, Bond, Blofeld, Spectre and destroyed the entire franchise.
A very long goodbye.
Elysium (2013)
Stupid ending
District 9 is one of my all-time favourite movies, but this one is not Blomkamp's finest hour.
The set up is fine, but the execution is basically Independence Day meets Terminator 2. It's 2154 and a bloke carries a laptop to crack door codes like John Connor did to get cash from the ATM, then 'reboots' the space station like the virus upload in ID.