ApeSht Reviews

Backcountry (I) (2014)

For the Bear Scene

[2/10 · 18 March 2024]

Slow, dull, depressing. Main characters are annoying. Random Australian dude pops up and then never appears again. Two stars for the bear attack scene. Put that miserable man out of his misery. Nice practical effects and the computer generated bear was believable for the most part. Nothing happens for the first hour and a half. I fell asleep twice and finished it on the third watch. I'm not sure what else to put, since there's not much else to the movie. Not really a horror, suspense, thriller, or romantic comedy. Just blah. Two stars for the bear attack. I would just fast forward to that part even though it lasted less than five minutes. Thank you. Come again.

House of Darkness (2022)

Most Annoying Actor of the Year Award

[1/10 · 11 September 2023]

Got damn. His ramblings and poor attempt at humor were grating to my ears and shaved off pieces of my brain and withered parts of my Soul away.

He would not shut up and l see why his wife and him separated. She probably ran off on his corny behind because he would NOT. STOP. BLABBERING.

I ended up dozing off thrice, and was awaken by commercial breaks (Hulu), and then the end credits' music, so l don't know what happened in the end. I assumed they cut his tongue out and made him eat it. Or stitches his lips shut.

I do not recommend this movie unless you want your brains to liquify and slip out of the holes in your skull.

Little Joe (2019)

Aural Lobotomy

[2/10 · 26 August 2022]

Couldn't get passed the first ten minutes due to the high pitched twittering noise that kept coming on during the scenes with no dialogue.

I had to fast forward thru the opening credits because it felt like my frontal lobe was about to explode from the squealing noises drilling through the scenes.

I attempted to watch the movie from my phone and a little after I turned it on, my kids asked, "What the hell is that weird noise and where is it coming from?" Then they looked at me and asked, "What the hell are you watching, dad?"

Killer Kart (2012)

Satan's Shopping Cart

[3/10 · 27 May 2022]

If you like nonstop grating metal noises, loud screeching women screaming the whole movie and guys yelling over and over and over until your ear drums bleed, then this is the movie for you.

I had to turn my phone volume to 2 out of 10 because I thought the incessant cacophony would shatter my screen.

Pass.

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

2049 is When I'd Probably Finish Watching

[3/10 · 24 May 2022]

Got daaaaamn, this movie is loooong. I don't mind long movies if the pace is right and there is something interesting taking place. Big ol Snooze Fest. Started off interesting and then I fell asleep around the 30 minute mark (it was a late night and had to be up early). Tried to finish, while working, but kept having to rewind because I got lost. Turned it off. Turned it back on when I got in the bed. Fell asleep again. Tried the next day and turned off around 1hr 35min. I tap out.

The Feast (2021)

Swallowed by Boredom

[2/10 · 14 May 2022]

Fell asleep twice at night trying to watch it and then took an afternoon nap the next day trying to finish it. The Feast isn't gory and its story is yawn inducing; elites vs common folk/nature, but it takes years to get to anything good. My appetite for horror has not been satisfied...back to the hunt for the next one.

The Baby (2022)

Baby Fever

[6/10 · 25 April 2022]

Kinda hard to fully rate it as a whole, but so far it's OK. There was nothing really exciting or horrific that took place and the energy of the episode plodded along slowly. 33 mins felt like 45+.

I wish they would've dropped all the episodes at once. I'll check out the next one and get a better idea if it's something I'd like to continue watching.