tmccull52 Reviews

The Last Five Days: The Freak Building (2024)

Please, let this be the last "Last Five Days"...

[1/10 · 8 May 2024]

Our hero, Jacob, is the "head of security" for an abandoned, decrepit facility. He's the "head of security:; he is the ONLY security personnel on his shift. Wow. What an achievement. This facility was once the headquarters for an organization called Verbin Industries, or some such. Verbin Industries, in it's heyday, promised to develop a "superfood" that would solve the problem.of world hunger, but the company was plagued by a series of mysterious employee disappearances, and eventually closed down. These disappearances, according to Jacob were never solved, nor were they ever seriously investigated by the company, nor the civilian authorities. The company that employs Jacob eventually bought the abandoned building that Jacob patrols as the "head of security".

During his rounds, Jacob blathers on and on to the camera that he uses to record his story about how much he loves and misses his two sons. He also drones on about his research into Verbin Industries, and he plays basketball by himself in a dilapated gymnasum that has no basketball hoops. One day, during his rounds, Jacob finds a little wooden box that has these mysterious jelly-like capsules in it. These capsules resemble a cross between a cherry tomato and a shelled hard-boiled egg. Jacob has no idea what these things are, but he eats one anyway. Shortly thereafter, he becomes nauseous, and then he projectile vomits all over the place. He then begins to hallucinate and behave erratically.

After a while, Jacob recovers from this strange malady, and then he does what anyone else who'd just experienced what he had would do; he wolfs down another one of these objects from the box, which he comes to call "fruit". His second experience is worst than the first. He vomits all over the place, hallucinates even more vividly, and begins running head first into concrete walls. After recovering a second time, Jacob eats a third piece of "fruit"... and then a fourth... and then a fifth. He claims that he "really likes this fruit", even though the deleterious affects that the "fruit" has on him is cumulatively worse with each experience. He eventually starts babbling about having made a pact with Satan, and a short while after that, the movie ends.

If you want a movie that is a classic exercise in sheer inanity and stupidity, then this is the film for you. It's the third in an atrocious series of "The Last Five Days..." movies by Chuck Moffatt. I sincerely hope that it is the last, as each of these films is dumber and even more poorly conceived than the one before it.

Harmony Falls (2022)

Harmony Fails

[2/10 · 6 April 2024]

Jean-Chantal Gevaudon? Really? This is a werewolf movie with a character named after a region in France where a series of supposed werewolf attacks occurred a few hundred years ago. Hmmmm. I wonder if that's supposed to be a bit of foreshadowing.

For a movie shot on a shoestring budget... this one is really, really bad. The special and creature effects are three stages below bargain basement level. The acting is even worse. There is a bar fight where our intrepid hero, the local sheriff, is supposed to come across like Chuck Norris in "Walker: Texas Ranger". It plays out more like a Three Stooges slap fight. There are plot holes big enough to sail a naval destroyer through. The dialogue and continuity are amateurish, at best.

This movie was available for rent on Amazon Prime for $1.99. That was $1.98 too much. If you are even remotely tempted to give this utter flop a try... don't. Just don't. It really is that bad.

Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire (2024)

Ghostbusters: Cure for Insomnia.

[1/10 · 24 March 2024]

To be succinct, I hated this movie. The characters were cardboard caricatures. The storyline seemed like it was made up from the premise, "Okay, what haven't we tried yet?". It wasn't funny. It wasn't scary. It was so boring that I fell asleep. Twice. The Inclusion and return of original "Ghostbuster" cast members Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson, and Annie Potts felt forced and obligatory. The "family strife" sub-story was about as compelling as any 1970s ABC "After School Special". The use of the miniature Staypuft Marshmallow Men felt like a direct rip-off of the Minions from "Despicable Me".

This movie was to the "Ghostbusters" franchise what "Jaws 3: 3D" and "Jaws, the Revenge" were to the "Jaws" franchise. Enough already. The cow has been milked to death.

Lake Effect (2023)

Lame Effect

[1/10 · 21 February 2024]

Now, instead of wasting your time watching this utter piece of trash, do this:

1.) Start to play the film; 2.) Fast forward to about the 14 minute mark; 3.) Watch three lily white high dogs trying to look and sound like gangster rappers.

If, after watching that galactically moronic, abysmal display, you still want to watch the rest of this movie, seek psychiatric help immediately. I've endured simultaneous bouts of explosive diahrrea and uncontrollable projectile emesis that were more satisfying and enjoyable than watching this utter and complete turdfest. There is nothing good about this movie; absolutely nothing. The best that can be said for it is that it has a relatively short running time of about 75 minutes.

Gods of the Deep (2023)

Clods of the Deep

[1/10 · 21 February 2024]

Okay. Take one part "Underwater", add one part "Prometheus", toss in a dash of H. P. Lovecraft, and then subtract all of the positive qualities of all three elements, and you'll end up with the abysmal mess that is "Gods of the Deep".

Now, to buy into this sordid, idiotic, wretched mess, you have to believe that a dedicated group of highly trained, highly educated individuals think it prudent to light up cigarettes and fire submachine guns in a pressurized, climate controlled, atmospherically controlled submersible at a depth exceeding 15,000 meters. These idiots are supposedly so concerned about the sub imploding that they run around shooting holes in it, and attacking pressurized hatches with fire axes. Two of these idiots end up in a fight to the death; one has the submachinegun, the other has the ax. Now, instead of the guy with the submachinegun, which is loaded and functional, shooting the guy with the ax, he tries to parry a blow from the ax with the gun, and loses the gun.

These are just the meagrest examples of everything that is so abysmally stupid about this film. Do you really still want to watch it?

The Who Incident (2023)

The Why Incident

[1/10 · 8 February 2024]

Take two aging hippies, some video equipment, a toy owl, and add terrible acting, and an even worse script and dialogue, and ypu get "The Who Incident". I would have prefered "The Why Incident", or "The How Incident"... as in how did this dips**t movie ever get made, or why did anyone think that this turdfest should have been made.

Ron and Jan are the aging hippies, and they are so syrupy/sappy sweet towards one another as to make you want to barf. No couple ever talks to each other in this saccharine drivel. These two make Ozzie and Harriet Nelson seem like members of the Manson Family. Well, Ron and Jan are planning on throwing themselves an "epic" anniversary party, and Ron wants to video-record EVERYTHING in the days leading up to this stellar bash. Ron has an older video camera, and Jan has special glasses with a camera built in.

Ron finds a box with some of his dad's things in it, including "Owly the Owl" has father's favorite childhood toy. The paranormal hijinks begin with Owly activating itself all on it's own after having been dormant for decades. Then, Ron starts getting messages from his deceased father. Next, Ron starts experiencing lapses or loss of time. He loses three hours that he has no memory of passing.

I would tell you more about this movie, but I can't. I turned it off about a third of the way through. The "actors" playing Ron and Jan give arguably the worst performances that I've ever seen. They may as well have stood facing one another and reading their lines off of cue cards that the other was holding up. Any positive reviews of this rancid bowel movement of a movie had to have come from members of the cast and crew, and/or their immediate family and friends. No one not connected to it could watch this abomination and give it more than one star.

Red (II) (2022)

RED...

[1/10 · 7 February 2024]

"RED" only tells part of the story here. To grasp the enormity and full scope of this utter turdfest, one must include the following... the added letters "T", "A", "R", "D", and "E". Insert those letters, in that order, between the letters in the title of this movie, and you will have described the true essence of what it is.

How do pieces of celluloid fecal matter like this movie continue to be made. The plot is idiotic. The script and dialogue are ridiculously bad. The acting is several levels below that of cheesy 1970s porn films. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, good that can be said for thia film other than that it eventually ends.

Senseless (II) (2022)

You'll be rendered "Senseless"...

[1/10 · 24 November 2023]

Our hero, "Jason", flees into the woods after an unshown disagreement with his girlfriend, "Diane". He takes nothing with him, except for his cell phone, which he throws away while on this mysterious arboreal sojourn. After discarding his chief physical resource, "Jason" wanders the woods aimlessly for a while. Then, as viewers of this utter turd of a film, we're treated to several seemingly endless moments of "Jason" simply standing there in the dark.

When "Jason" finally does something, it's what anyone else in his self-induced predicament would do; he sits down with his back agsinst a tree, torches a blunt, and falls asleep. He wakes up an undisclosed amount of time later to find himself sitting in the middle of a small dirt road in the forest. He gets up and starts wandering aimlessly again, and he eventually begins to see ghosts or spectral manifestations. Shortly after this, "Jason" somehow has possession of his cell phone again, and he receives another call from "Diane". She begins to verbally harangue and denigrate him, then she's suddenly there with him. "Diane" becomes even more vicious and aggressive in her tirade, reducing "Jason" to a shuddering, weeping wretch.

"Jason" then suddenly sees a maniacal version of himself brutally attack and butcher "Diane". This doppelganger gleefully slices and dices "Diane", all while sporting some bloody symbol smeared on his chest. The doppelganger disappears, and "Jason" crawls over to look at "Diane's" remains, when she opens her eyes and glares at him. This causes "Jason" to flee in panic. As he runs pell mell into the darkened woods, "Diane's" voice echoes in his mind, castigating him for being a child. Then, "Jason" calmly sits down and lights up another joint.

I can't tell you what happens after that because I didn't care what happened next. I've had simultaneous bouts of projectile vomiting and uncontrollable, explosive diarrhea that were more satisfying and enjoyable than watching this movie, so I turned it off. It is advertised as a horror movie, but isn't even remotely entertaining, frightening, or compelling. This movie sucked like a crack-addicted nymphomaniacal hooker at a Viagra convention.

The Plan (I) (2017)

If "The Plan" was to...

[1/10 · 29 October 2023]

If "The Plan" was to produce and distribute a film that was unintentionally, hilariously bad, then the people responsible for this movie have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. The performances, script, and dialogue were amateurish and comedic, at best. I kept waiting for Dan Ackroyd and Steve Martin to amble in and reprise their roles as the wild and crazy Festrunk Brothers from the 1970s Saturday Night Live skits. The "actor" playing the part of "John" in this movie was almost hysterically over-the-top, chewing the scenery with the aplomb of a woodchipper run amok.

I won't go into the plot, or any specific spoilers, because the chances are you aren't going to hang around and watch this movie through to the end i didn't.

The Howling (I) (2017)

The Boweling

[1/10 · 25 October 2023]

I have to give credit where credit is due; it really takes some doing to out-Polonia the Polonia Brothers when it comes to cinematic turds. The producers of "The Howling" (2017) have managed the feat. This is one of the absolutely stupidest movies that I've ever seen. The director and producers tried to pay homage to virtually every classic horror movie from the original "Halloween"(1978) to "Frankenstein", "The Bride of Frankenstein, "The Wolfman", and "The Island of Dr. Moreau". Instead, it insults every one of those horror classics".

"The Howling" is a shambling, disjointed mess that goes off in 18 different directions without managing to actually go anywhere. I've seen hundreds of micro and no budget crapfests, and this rancid turd ranks among the very worst of them. This is the type of movie that could inspire. It could inspire violent emesis, for example. It could inspire someone to track down any and everyone who had anything whatsoever to do with making this farce, and then beating the living s**t out of them.

IMdB seriously needs to seriously consider adding a negative star rating system for movies like this one.

The Great Dismal (2023)

Appropriate Title

[1/10 · 17 October 2023]

Never has a movie been more appropriately titled; everything about this flop is dreadfully dismal.

Dismal acting? Check.

Dismal plot/story? Check.

Dismal pacing? Check.

Dismal action? Check.

Dismal special effects? Check.

Almost nothing happens for the first 40 to 45 minutes or so, and when something does finally happen, the "action" lasts all of about 5 seconds.

The basic premise is that a college student, Jeff, accompanies a naturalist/woodsman, Ted, who is investigating reports of a mysterious Bigfoot-like creature. The naturalist/woodsman is skeptical, and doesn't believe that there is any mysterious creature, but the plan is to hike into the woods and to set up a series of trail cams. On the first night in the woods, the college student hears noises outside of their tent, but the woodsman reassures that it's likely only a deer.

The next morning, Ted finds something on the trail cam. But doesn't tell Jeff. They continue to hike and set additional trail cams. Eventually, Jeff and Ted run into the creature, and Ted is attacked.

Jeff runs off in a panic, and runs into some hermit who looks like Charles Manson's long lost twin brother. The hermit has an old "A" frame camper in the woods, and he offers Jeff shelter. After a very short while, Jeff discovers that the hermit is mentally unstable. The hermit claims that he only wants to be left alone, but he won't tell Jeff how to leave.

Jeff discovers that the hermit is the monster. The hermit has a sort of Gillie suit that he uses as a costume to scare people away. Jeff discovers the costume, and he also finds that the hermit has Ted's handgun. The two argue and fight over the handgun, and Jeff shoots the hermit.

Somehow, despite not knowing wherr he is, or which direction to go in, Jeff makes his way home, and the local news runs the story about the hermit, and Ted's murder. Jeff's editor calls and asks how Jeff is doing. He also announces his intent to run the article and story that Jeff was working on.

Jeff heads back out into the woods with his uncle, who raised Jeff after his parents died. As they start hiking, they hear animal noises, and turn around to run away.

The end.

I've seen old "ABC After School Specials" that were more frightening and compelling than utter crapfest was, and anyone who has rated this as more than one star had something to do with the production of the movie.

In a post credits scene, the hermit is identified as "Ben Marshall", and a short vignette tells how "Ben" came to be a backwoods hermit. "Ben's" backstory is about as powerful and as potent as a popcorn fart in a tornado. Why the film makers decided to prolong the agony of subjecting the viewer to this back story is the real mystery here. It adds absolutely nothing of value to a terrible film.

Realm of Souls (2013)

Realm of 'Hos

[1/10 · 14 October 2023]

WTF do boob shots and idiotic jokes about glory holes have to do with hauntings and paranormal activities? Who made this turd; a 10 year old kid who found his dad's secret stash of old Playboy and Hustler magazines?

Take a cast of random people, none of whom can act worth a lick, and turn them lose with video cameras on the road shooting an idiotic travel log, and give them a script and dialogue worthy of little kids who learned how much fun it is to say "dirty words" for the first time, and you end up with "Realm of Souls". This movie is an embarrassment to other bad movies, and anyone who has anything whatsoever with the production and distribution of it should be banned from the film industry altogether. Yes, this movie is THAT bad.

And Then There Was Blood (2017)

Note to the Film Makers

[1/10 · 5 October 2023]

To the makers of this film;

If one of your featured characters is supposed to be an active member of the Armed Forces, you may want to throw an actual uniform in here and there. A fat guy in a green dress shirt and green slacks fondling a rifle that is not issued to American service men and women does not a general make.

If this featured character, "Miss Athena", is supposed to be a sargeant in the Armed Forces, she's not going to be dressed for active service in a beige long-sleeved tee shirt, green trousers, with a non-military issue pistol tucked into those pants in the small of her back.

Unfortunately, the dialogue and the acting is even worse than the costumes and props. This isn't a film, it's a farce. It's pure rubbish that's even worse than anything that the Polonia Brothers have put out, and that's saying something. Messages delivered via VHS tapes? Really? Who the Hell even owns a VHS tape player any more?

Even if you're bored out of your skull, desperate for ANYTHING to watch, this rancid turd of a movie would be an exceedingly poor choice. I gave it one star because there is no provision to rate it any lower.

Dinosaur Prison (2023)

How? Why?

[1/10 · 5 October 2023]

How do movies this abjectly, stupefyingly bad get made? "Dinosaur Prison" is one of the dumbest, most poorly conceived movied that I've ever seen. Who wrote this trash? The plot is like something that a seven or eight year old child would come up with.

The premise of this hilariously bad farce is that three women... animal activists... break into a prison to document proof and record video footage of the captive animals held therein, and the tortures that they're being subjected to. Lo and behold, the poor tortured creatures are dinosaurs!

The three "heroes" argue amongst themselves. One wants to leave, stating that they're in way over their heads, but the other two want to stay and protect the helpless dinosaurs. Liana, the one who wants to leave does so, and in her attempt to escape, she wanders into an open paddock. She is promptly killed and devoured by a spinosaurus.

That leaves Idiot # 1 and Idiot # 2 to carry out the rescue mission. As fate would have it, they're discovered and captured. Fear not, however! They are rescued by a rogue, rebellious research scientist at the prison... a research scientist dressed exactly like a circus ringmaster, complete with a stovepipe tophat and a red velvet jacket. Let's call him Captain Ringmaster.

Captain Ringmaster convinces Idiots # 1 and 2 that he only wishes to save these poor dinosaurs, and he gives them equipment to document the conditions in the prison. He shows them a dilophosaurus whose eyes were removed to enhance it's auditory prowess, and to give it a sonic scream that it can use to disorient a given target. Idiots # 1 and 2 snivel and coo in sympathy for the poor dilophosaurus.

Captain Ringmaster next shows them a baryonyx thst can essentially become invisible. He then shows the Moron Twins poor Bo, a velociraptor that the guards delight in torturing and beating up. They won't even let Bo play with the other dinosaurs, those big meanies!

Unfortunately. This movie only gets stupider from there, including a supposedly topnotch mercenary who chooses to fight the dinosaurs with A FLAMING SWORD instead of the automatic weapons thst he's carrying.

The plot of this "film" only gets worse as the film goes on. The "actors" are absolutely bereft of any acting skill or craft whatsoever, particularly in the cases of Captain Ringmaster and Idiots # 1 and 2. The only halfway decent thing about the movie would be the dinosaur effects. They are far from anything in films like "Jurassic Park", but compared to everything else in this utter rubbish, the special effects seem Oscar worthy.

Do yourself a favor and pass on this flop.

Legend of Lizard Man (2023)

Legend?

[1/10 · 3 October 2023]

How might I put this?

"Legend of the Lizard Man" is SO bad that it makes the Polonia Brothers seem Steven Spielberg. From the acting to the out-of-date sets, clothing, and props,to the special effects, this movie sucks like a nymphomaniacal hooker at a Viagra convention. Not only do we get the usual "victims as seen through the creature's eyes", we also get a view of the victims from the creature's uvula.

This rancid bowel movement of a film makes "Bride of the Werewolf" look like "To Kill a Mockingbird" by comparison. Even if you're bored out of your skull, beating yourself about the head with a ballpeen hammer would be more enjoyable than sitting through this movie.

The Beast Beneath (2023)

Zero Budget, Zero Talent, Zero Everything.

[1/10 · 19 September 2023]

Even for a micro-budget "special", this movie is plainly God-awful. "The Beast Beneath" tries to borrow a bit from "Tremors" and a bit from "JAWS", and is successful at none of it. I've seen a few of the trash films that the infamous Polonia Brothers have put out, and Dustin Ferguson manages to still somehow fall short of the ridiculously low bar that they've set.

The special effects are worthy of a second grade elementary school production. No one, and I mean NO ONE, in this rancid bowel movement of a movie can act worth a lick. This film isn't even laughably bad; it's just terrible. The plot, script, and dialogue all seem to have been made up on the spot as each scene was shot.

I'm a horror movie geek, and I even like some of the really bad ones, but there are movies like "White Fangs", "Midnight Macabre", "Dark Attachment", "Bride of the Werewolf", and "The Beast Beneath" that make me want to take a nail-studded baseball bat to whomever was responsible for making them.

Now, there's a decent premise for a horror movie... a film about someone stalking and killing people who make horrible movies like this one.

The Inhabitants (2015)

The Inhabi... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

[2/10 · 23 August 2023]

The listed runtime for "The Inhabitants" is 1 hour, 30 minutes, but this movie is so formulaic, so tedious and boring that it seems to stretch on and on and on. I fell asleep not once, not twice, but three times struggling through this bleak flop. The film is much more depressing than it is scary. I kept waking up and asking myself, "Oh God, is this turd still on?"

I didn't find the acting to be as bad as some of the other reviewers did, but the assertions that there is nothing new to see here is spot on. Haunted house, ghostly possession, spouse eventually pitted against spouse, bleak, entirely predictable ending, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.

If you suffer from insomnia, as I frequently do, and you're looking for a way to somehow fall asleep, I give you "The Inhabitants". If you're looking for a good ghost/haunted house/horror movie, look elsewhere, because this one ain't it.

The Devil Complex (2016)

The Dipsh*t Comolex

[1/10 · 20 August 2023]

Take three completely unlikable a**holes who can barely stand one another, and drop them in the middle of a "haunted forest" that will somehow make you regret the evils of your past. Add in some shaky camera work, some mysterious sounds, and not much of anything else, and there you have it. That's pretty much the sum of this incredibly stupid, incredibly bad movie.

The three principal characters, Rachel, Joe, and Tom, are supposed to be working together on Rachel's project. This is supposed to be a documentary about a haunted forest in Romania. Almost from the moment that they meet, they start bickering and sniping at one another like bratty six year Olds. Rachel finds a local who agrees to guide them into the forest, Mr. Dogaru.

About halfway into their trek, Mr. Dogaru has a conversation with someone that the other three can't see. When he is questioned about this, he turns and bolts into the forest, abandoning Rachel, Joe, and Tom. They bicker and argue about what to do, and eventually decide to press on. A short time later, they find Mr. Dogaru, or rather, his body.

Surprise, surprise, they argue about what to do next. That's pretty much all that these three idiots do, is bicker, argue, and verbally and physically assault one another. Joe searches Mr. Dogaru's body in the hope of finding a map, but he finds nothing that can be of use to them. They bicker and argue about what to do next, and press on.

They wander around, lost, and bicker and argue. Then they wander around and bicker and argue some more. At some point, Rachel accuses Joe and Tom of stealing her pills, which she needs for her anxiety. They bicker and argue, and Rachel physically attacks Tom. Rachel and Tom physically fight until Joe breaks them up.

Guess what happens next?

If you guessed that they bickered and argued and eventually pressed on, give yourself a Kewpie doll.

They eventually stumble upon Mr. Dogaru's body again, but this time he is hanging upside down in a tree, and his throat has been ripped open. They scream, run around like the Keystone Kops doing a Chinese fire drill, bicker, argue, and press on.

If you want a movie that features lots of shots of snow, trees, and not much of anything else, aside from three idiots who are constantly at one another's throats, then this is the movie for you.

Our intrepid band eventually find an abandoned tent, which has a small flask of whiskey, a blanket, and nothing else. Once again, they argue, bicker, and bemoan the fact that they're lost. Rachel gets the blanket, and Joe and Tom split the whiskey in the flask.

Tom loses it and runs off into the woods, much as they had seen Mr. Dogaru do earlier. Rachel and Joe find him, unconscious, and revive him. Tom starts crying and apologizes to Joe about "the little girl". Joe asks Tom about what "little girl", but Tom just babbles and cries incoherently. The group bickers, argues, and presses on.

The group is panicked by some ominous music that seems to be playing in the woods around them, and they start screaming and running blindly through the woods. Tom becomes separated from Rachel and Joe, and they eventually calm down enough to search for Tom. They find him, hanging upside down, in a tree, with his throat ripped out, just like Mr. Dogaru.

More ominous noises come from the woods, causing Rachel and Joe to panic and flee blindly into the woods again. Joe gets killed next, by whatever killed Mr. Dogaru and Tom, and at the end of the movie, Rachel is also killed by this malevolent force, whatever it is. There are some completely useless, senseless mid-credits shots of the snowy woods, and then, that's it. The end.

This is easily one of the worst of the worst of the countless Blair Witch knock-offs.

Quadrant 9EV9 (2016)

Quadrant Dumba**Dumb...

[1/10 · 16 July 2023]

In the event that you may be bored out of your gourd, and are contemplating giving this movie a shot, please allow me to present a minor spoiler, a description of a random, sample scene from it.

The premise is that a group of astronomy students are on a sojourn to watch a rare meteor shower. The group is comprised of the usual horror movie tropes; we have the hot "good girl", the airhead bimbo "bad girl", the scholarly nerd, the "good guy" jock, and his bestest buddy, the "bad boy" jock.

Now, the "good guy" jock is dating the airhead bimbo, but he harbors a secret crush on the hot "good girl". His BFF, the "bad boy" jock, openly ogles and lusts after the airhead bimbo, which doesn't seem to particularly bother the "good guy" jock. The group breaks into an abandoned military base, having determined that this is the best place from which to view the celestial event.

After setting up camp, the group settles around a campfire, except for the airhead bimbo. She's a few feet away, doing her best stripper dance routine while chugging a beer. The scholarly nerd roasts a marshmallow, and after it goes alight, he accidentally flings it off of the stick he'd been roasting it on. The airheaded bimbo sees the flying, flaming marshmallow, and in her best airheaded bimbo voice innocently asks, "Is that the meteor shower?"

Shortly thereafter, our intrepid band encounters another clichéd, over-used horror movie character, the bedraggled, crazy old coot who warns them to just turn around and get out of there because of the monsters a'roaming them there hills. There is the added touch of having the crazy old coot dragging an empty leash and dog collar around, and he intersperses talking to his imaginary dog as he attempts to warn away the group of students. Of course, they don't listen, and they end up breaking into what appears to be an old military bunker, which once was a secret research center for clandestine experiments on soldiers... experiments that would turn them into unstoppable killing machines.

As you may have already surmised, the bunker is just chocked full of deranged, uncontrollable, mutated soldiers, and the usual terrible horror movie hijinks ensue, which include the students drinking shots of whiskey as they hike along, because that's what one does in an effort to witness and record astronomical events, isn't it? Get s**t-faced and record scientifically viable and accurate data?

Now, do you still want to put yourself through watching this rancid turd-fest?

Bermuda Island (2023)

Wow... just... wow...

[1/10 · 4 July 2023]

To rate this movie as simply "bad" would be an insult to "bad" movies. Virtually everything about this farce is atrocious on a galactic scale, most particularly the acting. I'd read in another review that this had been Tom Sizemore's last film. If this is true, it was an awful way to end his career. The man looked like he could barely stand upright, and mumble-rushed his way through every one of his lines. He had to have been truly, truly desperate to have agreed to appear in this flop for even five minutes.

The characters are more like caricatures of characters, and the actors "fulfilling" their respective roles were incredibly bad. Whomever cast this turd should never be allowed to cast another movie, ever. Where was the casting call held, at an unemployment office? The plot is basically like an episode of "Lost" combined with "The Island of Dr. Moreau", and as bad as the acting was, the scripted dialogue was even worse.

Do yourself a favor and pass on this rancid turd. I wish that I had.

Attached: Paranormal (2021)

Intensely Frightening!

[1/10 · 23 June 2023]

"Attached: Paranormal" is intensely frightening! Well, not so much the movie itself, but the fact that it ever saw the proverbial light of day.

The premise of this turd is that the son of a cold case detective decides to poke around through some files that the detective brought home. What harm could there be from someone tampering with open case files, right? That wouldn't ever present any legal issues, would it?

Said son reviews video footage shot by someone who allegedly committed suicide. The son edits all of this footage into a video to post on social media. Again, that would be perfectly fine, wouldn't it? Tampering with actual evidence from a cold case? How could anyone object to that?!

The footage that sonny boy cobbles together reveals such compelling visual and audio phenomenon! A cat actually leaps onto a kitchen counter! And then it leaps down from the counter, all by itself! Riveting stuff, that! We get to see a kitchen cupboard door quickly open and close again, and then we get to watch the the subject of the video check the kitchen for the source of the sound without turning any lights on so that he can see better. I was on the edge of my seat...because I was about to fall off of it from falling asleep watching this flop.

At about the 24 minute mark of the movie, we get some real action! The subject of the video footage gets a box of cereal from the cupboard, opens the box, and pours cereal into an actual bowl! Then he adds milk to the cereal, and brace yourself, he EATS THE CEREAL! Such utter and visceral terror! Truly astounding, raptly compelling and irresistibly Absorbing! A man actually eats a bowl of cereal, and it's all caught on camera!

Wes Craven, George Romero, and John Carpenter eat your hearts out!

As if that wasn't pulse-pounding enough, the cat leaps up onto the counter again and a plastic cup moves a whole six or eight inches by itself! A masterpiece of the macabre, I tell you! We get to watch tedious moment after tedious moment where absolutely nothing happens! What a cinematic tour de force!

As if that all wasn't enough, we get a solid five minutes of the subject of the footage actually falling asleep and taking a nap! Oh, the horror! The horror! Cats leaping! Cereal eating! Napping on the sofa! Who would ever dream of such terror?! So starkly compelling!

This movie sucked like a nymphomaniacal hooker at a Viagra convention. Anyone who had anything whatsoever with getting it made deserves to be worked over vigorously with a nail-studded baseball bat.

Craving (2023)

Wait a minute... what?

[3/10 · 7 June 2023]

So, a small group of desperados barge into a local watering hole, much to the chagrin of the staff and usual customers. The locals believe that the armed intruders are there to rob and possibly kill them. The locals are wrong. The desperados were pursued into the bar by another armed party, a posse of sorts.

After chasing the desperados into the bar, the posse barricades the doors and windows from the outside, locking everyone in. Then, the leader of the posse announces to everyone that they've just locked in the bar that there is a monster among them, and that they have just one hour to identify the monster and turn him, or her, over to them.

Wait. What?

The unarmed locals, who knew nothing about any of this, are supposed to overwhelm the armed desperados, then identify a monster, and then overwhelm the monster, and turn it over to the heavily armed posse?

What sense does that make?

I know what the film-makers tried to do, but I also know of a similar movie, a gore-filled fun fest that does pretty much all of the same things that "Craving" tries to, and does them much, much better; "Feast" (2005).

Still, if you're bored out of your gourd, and not all.that fussy when it comes to cheesy horror flicks, you might be able to get by with this one.

Territorial Behavior (2015)

Terrible Behavior

[2/10 · 21 May 2023]

Let's give credit where credit is due; this isn't the worst Bigfoot/survival movie that I've ever seen, particularly considering that the total budget was around $500. The setting was pretty decent.

Unfortunately, that about all of the credit that I can give. The acting is terrible, and it's very evident that we have a foreign actor trying to sound like an American... or what he thinks that an American might say. The dialogue is laughably bad, and no one talks the way that the lead character does in this movie. Every line is either stiff and wooden, or poorly over-emotes.

Our "hero" never seems to be at a lack of battery power for his cell phone, or his camera, despite carrying minimal gear. At one point, he says that he is carrying a portable battery pack/solar charger, but even the best of those wouldn't supply the power for both his phone and his camera, not as much as he uses both devices. I have several of these devices, and while they work, they charge up very slowly even under optimal conditions.

Then there's the fact that his cell phone never fails or never loses service despite him being lost in hundreds of thousands of acres of remote wilderness. He isn't using a satellite phone, and he's nowhere near any cell towers, but his phone works every single time that he tries to use it.

He brings no food with him on his wilderness sojourn, but he never shows any signs of hunger, fatigue, or any other signs of not having eaten for days. He chews on a single blade of grass. That's it. He shows no signs of cramping, fatigue, or weakness that might ordinarily mark his body feeding off of itself.

Our hero is supposed to be an expert in wilderness survival, but proves incapable of following his own advice. When his girlfriend expresses her concern for his welfare, he acts like a spoiled, petulant child and chastised her. He ends up sounding like a snotty eight year old brat having a conniption fit. He ends up being utterly unlikable and completely lacking in charisma, and by the end of the movie, I was rooting for the mysterious creature to kill him.

Alone with Bigfoot (2020)

Master Hughes Strikes Again!

[15 May 2023]

As soon as I saw that this was a Master Hughes production, I was sorely tempted to turn the movie off. I had the misfortune of sitting through "Trail of the Kiamichi Beast", another Master Hughes "opus". Well, "Alone with Bigfoot" did not disappoint; it was just as bad as "Trail of the Kiamichi Beast". What is ironic is that Master Hughes gave a better performance playing a fictional character in "Alone..." than he did playing himself in "Trail of...".

I managed to make it through "Trail of..." because I dozed through parts of it. Unfortunately, I was wide awake for this movie, and about 15 minutes was all that I could take.

The Castle Project (2013)

What a Sham.

[12 May 2023]

If you want a horror/ghost story where nothing scary or even interesting happens, then "The Castle Project" is the movie for you.

Witness Brian Higgins film himself night after night only to record nothing. Listen to Brian Higgins wax philosophic about religion, spirituality, and the advent of Purgatory. As if all of this wasn't boring enough, Higgins goes on to blather on and on about Dante's Inferno.

As far as bad "documentaries" go, where absolutely no compelling evidence is recorded or presented, "The Castle Project" is almost as bad as the absolutely insipid "Trail of the Kiamichi Beast". As the on-camera narrator of this flop, Brian Higgins is about as palatable and fulfilling as a slice of stale while bread with a thin slathering of spoiled mayonnaise. This film SUCKED on every conceivable level.