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loopsample
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Whiplash (2014)
Full Metal Fame Jacket...Or something.
I gave it 28 minutes. That was generous, in that I knew it was going to be terrible within about 2.
I've been to music school. It's not like this. The teachers aren't like this. No one's like this (obviously I'm referring to 'Hollywood idea of what a hard-ass music teacher might be like in some weird juvenile negative fantasy' Fletcher).
I switched off when he threw a chair at Andrew the drum prodigy and then slapped him. SLAPPED him. Repeatedly. In front of a whole, cowed class of what, in legal terms, would be called witnesses to an assault, for playing slightly fast, the first time he's ever played to him in a band practice.
I'm sorry, what?! Where does this/would this/has this ever happened? In a Charles Dickens novel about a jazz drum student, possibly. In anything even vaguely purporting to be based on real life now, um...No.
I'm stunned. Yet another IMDb/Metacritic/Rotten Tomatoes gush-fest that is so laughably bad, you have to check the page again to really believe it's got such high praise.
Excruciating nonsense.
Boyhood (2014)
Spoiler alert: Nothing happens whatsoever
I like films where nothing happens. One of my favourites is Jim Jarmusch's 'Stranger Than Paradise'. It's about a couple of bums who steal some money from a card game and then proceed to drive around a bit. Then they accidentally find some drug dealer's money, The End.
In that 90 minutes, about a billion more interesting things happen than in this. It has style, a road movie feel, cool characters. That's how you make a film about nothing, and Jim J. didn't take 12 years to make it.
It calls to mind a bit in 'Adaptation', where Nic Cage is complaining to his screen writing lecturer (Brian Cox) 'that nothing happens in real life, so what's the point of writing about it?'. Cox loses it, in exasperation at this ridiculous notion.
It's like Nic Cage was afraid to make a film like this, almost completely devoid of any interesting moments (almost - there's probably about 10 minutes, to be fair. Still not good for a film spanning 12 years and that lasts 2 hours 45 minutes).
Critics raved about it because of the technical achievement, getting lost in that and forgetting the fact that it's completely and utterly dull in all aspects of it's construction.
It's solidly acted, but these people (Arquette, Hawke, both of whom I rate as actors) can do this stuff in their sleep. It plays like a drama you might watch one afternoon on some unpopular cable channel.
Do yourself a favour and watch an actual film, with stuff in it.
Intouchables (2011)
Pretty ghastly...
Summary: Cheeky jobless black man (but not a racist cliché whatsoever, so don't even think it) gets a job working for a conveniently minted, posh, white quadriplegic. Hilarity ensues as black man teaches them to dance to crap 80s disco, posh cripple smirks with surprise to find out that black man isn't a total loser, as he first assumed. Hot ginger secretary falls in love with cheeky black man, despite her initial repulsion. Black man smokes weed and lives on a council estate (but not a racist cliché whatsoever etc).
The heart warming message I took away from this film: Not all black men are bad. Thanks for showing me that, film.
The more I think about this pile of tosh, the more I want to gently throw up.
Other than, it's a masterpiece.
Do yourself a favour and never, ever watch a film based on it's IMDb score. There's a severe danger you'll think it's good just because it got 8.5, despite all the nagging doubts in your mind.
This got a high score because people like soppy films. And they're racists.