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clanhamato
Reviews
Beauty & the Briefcase (2010)
What the wha????
Well. Let's see. Can I start by asking the question: Who the heck is this movie supposed to be for? It might have worked as a family film for its simple, contrived plot that could never happen and doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But that doesn't work because of the sexual content and swearing. Or it might have worked as a fun, romantic comedy for general movie audiences. But that doesn't work because of the simple, contrived plot that could never happen and doesn't make sense. It's actually generally insulting to general movie audiences. In general.
Oh, man. From start to finish. This one's got it all. Terrible dialog, shallow, one-dimensional characters, gratuitous use of narration, slow, ridiculous exposition, and enough awkward moments to make you glance at the person next to you with eyebrows raised and going "WHAT?" or "SERIOUSLY?" every other minute.
I would even be willing to forgive all of that. All of it. If they'd given us a character we could root for. Hilary Duff is pretty. But in this movie, she plays someone who is a shallow, petty, superficial LIAR that--for some reason--everyone just LOVES. She does no work to get to where she is (a job she lies to get, is in no way qualified to do, and repeatedly fails at) but, because the plot calls for it, suddenly she's the one saving the day and being inexplicably skilled at solving problems she would have no knowledge of how to solve (her "solutions" are absurd by the way). She was jealous from the get go, even of her friends. Self- absorbed. Cared for no one. Expected all men and the universe to grant her her desires of whatever the heck she thought love was--because she thought she deserved it. It's actually pretty disturbing and disappointing for all of mankind that anyone thought this character was someone audiences could really get behind. I kind of wanted to call her parents or something. And shoot. I'm only twenty four.
Whatever. It was frustrating. And abysmal. And, in its own teeth- grinding way, hilarious (accidentally of course). I mean, I didn't think I'd ever say this, but if you're looking for something of better quality, go to the Hallmark Channel. For crying out loud. You will literally find films of better quality than this little piece on the Hallmark Channel during any season at any time of day or night. Or, really, go watch any segment of Sesame Street. I have seen more drama, meaning, depth of character, and believability on Sesame Street. In the 90s. When I was a small child.
The Dragon Pearl (2011)
Umm...So...
Nothing. Happens. Even while things are happening, nothing is happening. The kids were pretty good actors, especially for a kids' film, and the sets and effects were likewise not at all grating.
That said, expect about 50 minutes' worth of movie to be crammed into about 94 minutes of your day. Prepare for exposition by narration. A retelling of the exposition...by narration. People standing around. People looking at things. People thinking about things. Repeat shots of leaves...blowing around. Suppose there just wasn't enough script for a whole movie, which was a shame. Thought it could've been great.
I would say if you have a kid who's into dragons or Asian themes, definitely give this one a shot; it's clean as a whistle content-wise. Just that I can't imagine watching this again only for the reason that the whole time I was going...come one, come on, something HAPPEN!
There are some cool shots of kids playing Chinese drums that are AWESOME. They're shown at the beginning and end credits and have nothing to do with the plot; so that's really not a spoiler.