TheJonesBones Reviews

A Hard Problem (2021)

A Thoughtful Slow-Burn

[7/10 · 5 June 2024]

"A Hard Problem" is an easy film to watch (tongue pressed firmly in cheek). Seriously, this retelling of Pinocchio - albeit from the end forward - is worth watching but be warned: you will need to pay attention (gasp)!

This is a story about a boy who is not a boy who wants to be a boy but can never be accepted as a boy by the society that created him. Sure, it's a mouthful, and you're probably thinking "I know how this ends". And you probably do.

Still, that's not the point of this picture. Getting to that end, this is the point. The first half-dozen scenes will seize you, I bet. Then, if you're like me, you'll expect a sizeable body count not to be. So, this isn't really a guy-flick so much as it is a human-flick.

Watch and ponder a hard problem of the future that awaits your children. It's coming faster than you think.

Cash on Demand (1961)

Outstanding Peter Cushing Role and Excellent Film

[8/10 · 3 June 2024]

"Cash on Demand" is not the typical Peter Cushing role. This is a bank robbery story rather than a horror story, but don't let that throw you.

This is an excellent film with a nail-biting plot and extremely empathetic characters. In this story, a man named Colonel Gore Hepburn (Andre Morrell) appears at a bank run by a domineering and severe manager named Harry Fordyce (Cushing). Claiming to be a security officer, he quickly reveals that Fordyce's wife and child have been kidnapped to force Fordyce into aiding their theft.

So, what sets this bank robbery story apart from a thousand others just like it? Answer: Cushing and Morrell, the very dapper, very cool bad guy in this excellent thriller!

You'll hate the good guy and love the bad guy. Then you'll chew your nails while you worry about what happens to an innocent family. Then... well... you'll just have to watch to get the rest of it.

You won't get torch-bearing villagers or hideous monsters chasing after buxom beauties in this topnotch effort, but you will get to watch Cushing play a role that you never saw coming!

The Lineup (1958)

Eli Wallach... Just Sayin'....

[8/10 · 3 June 2024]

This is a fantastic classic film, but you won't really know it until Mr. Wallach steps on stage. From that moment forward you'll feel like you slipped into a timeless place that has lasted and will last forever. Why? Because people have always been and will always be bad. Some of them will be VERY bad.

"When it's time to shoot, shoot. Don't talk." - Tuco (The Good, the Bad and the Ugly). Another favorite Eli Wallach portrayal.

These are the characters he is best known for playing, of course, but if you watch for him, you will find that Mr. Wallach can play just about ANY part. Still. "The Lineup" is one of his best early roles and it clearly displays the talents that interleaved his face and mannerisms all throughout mid-20th Century bad guys.

You'll also enjoy Robert Keith (father of another favorite, Brian Keith), who plays Julian, the oddball handler of Wallach's character, named Dancer. I best remember him as the mask-making and highly vindictive patriarch of a Mardis Gras story from Twilight Zone. Another truly amazing and under-celebrated performer.

Anyway, this is a cops-and-robbers story about a sophisticated ring of drug smugglers and the law. Oh, and a bunch of senseless murders, too, of course. Like I said, this story is forever.

If you give this excellent noir film about twenty minutes, I guarantee you'll finish it. Then you'll know why Tuco shoots first and NEVER asks questions!

The Old Way (2023)

The Old Way Is a GOOD Way!

[8/10 · 17 May 2024]

This is one of the finest Nicolas Cage flicks! A definite must watch for those who like a well-told tale of the Old West!

He plays "Colton Briggs", a reformed cold-blooded killer - not a criminal, really, but once a very bad man - who has settled in life, taken a wife, made a home, started a business and begun raising a daughter. When Brigg's past returns to haunt him in the form of a vengeful son, whose father he killed many years previously, this icy little girl turns out to be her father's wickedly lethal protege!

Sure, it's Cage. Sure, it's a revenge story. Sure, it's a bare swinging balls guy-flick, but I promise you will thoroughly enjoy "The Old Way" - so much so, that you'll wish YOU were a psychopathic gunman!

We Still Kill the Old Way (2014)

Old School Mayhem, Yeah?

[8/10 · 5 March 2024]

"We Still Kill the Old Way" is not just a title, it's a philosophy. A way of life, even. If so, then this fine guy-flick is an outstanding rendition of "the way", old- vs new-style.

This is an excellent film. Fine editing and photography, directing and dialog. The actors on both sides create compelling, empathetic characters. You'll love the "good guys" and hate the "bad guys", but, of course, they are ALL bad guys!

Some are just worse than others. Sure, the new generation is full of lip and spunk with a determined absence of humility and respect... Sure, the old generation is dapper and refined with an abundance of gentlemanly swagger... but which will prevail when "it" hits the fan?

This film's central message might be "don't kill old folks". You never know who his/her brother or sister might be.

And that antique hand-powered drill? Yeah, I think we would all prefer the modern, electric version when push comes to shove (or murder comes to vengeance). Less suffering, you know.

Suicide for Beginners (2022)

Can We Come In and Meet the Monkey?

[8/10 · 5 January 2024]

No! God, No! He's angry!

I don't believe I ever saw a monkey in this movie - except the monkey on the cake - but it has just about everything else. So, what's this film got that YOU need?

Uh, well, first... it's got tons of fantasy murder scenarios... you know what kind of people I mean. Nosy neighbors. Chatty pizza guys. Sweaty girlfriends. Mean chicks. Sweaty, mean girlfriend-chicks. Also included, various other violent ideations that will provide more than one shameful little thrill. To you. Not your victims. Alleged.

Seriously, this is a well written, solidly shot and enacted film. I am certain we will see much more of all the key players. I liked them better than monkeys. Lots. Because I like you, too, I encourage you to watch so you can figure out how NOT to commit Suicide for Beginners!

Dark Night of the Scarecrow (1981 TV Movie)

Excellent Halloween Fare!

[8/10 · 11 December 2023]

Okay, so this is a made-for-television movie, but don't fret! Some MFT films are excellent, and this one is mos' def' on that short list.

First, you'll note its top-flight cast. Though they typically play character roles in other A-level movies, all the main players have carried award-winning lead roles - some of them doing so in more than one well-received production.

Second, you'll be genuinely creeped-out - not by the central "antagonist", a mentally-reduced character named "Bubba", played so aptly by Larry Drake - no, Charles Durning will be the source of your creepiness. Before all is said and done, he and his crew of redneck henchman will leave you cheering for the "bad guys".

This, then, is the central draw of this movie. Its story. With characters and a plot that might have been conceived by Stephen King himself, its dialogue and cinematography presents a slick, refined "comic book" atmosphere that is best enjoyed with a crock of hot cocoa and a big bag of marshmallows!

I expect you to have a "mean people suck" experience after watching this fun MFT teleplay, and its climactic act will most likely leave you feeling good when bad things happen to bad people during the "Dark Night of the Scarecrow"!

Nekrotronic (2018)

A Halloween Film with Cult-Potential!!

[7/10 · 23 August 2023]

"Nekrotronic" is a wild fantasy film about the dead, the undead and black magic. Oh, yeah!

This is one of those films you'll want to watch each Halloween with a huge bag of popcorn and a bubbling, ice-cold soda. The real kind of soda, I mean, with heaps of sugar and caffeine. 'Cause you're gonna need it to keep up with this film. Does it have...

...Bromance and romance? Sure.

...A lividly violent death-fantasy? Most def.

...Romping good fun with lots of exploding heads? Damned straight!

A solid guy-flilck, "Nekrotronic" starts moving right off the bat with a massive fecal explosion, and its plot doesn't stop rolling and flashing and exploding until its final bloody frame. You'll get a tease of humor and sex and other fluffy stuff, but mostly this is a story about demons and the endless war between good and evil.

So. Be evil. Watch this good film.

Uncle Peckerhead (2020)

Way Too Freaking Punk!!!

[7/10 · 23 August 2023]

"Uncle Peckerhead" is a laid back character, but this is not a laid back film. In fact, it's way punk. Like, the best part of punk, I mean.

I'm really digging all the punk vibes in the alternative music scene right now, and this film feeds directly into this soul-stirring trend. To be sure, true punk is decidedly anti-commercial but the most interesting aspects of it are very marketable in my opinion.

Uncle Peckerwood is not so marketable as a human being because, well, he's a real life monster BUT he's a damned good friend and a fine roadie. Duh (inside joke). So, this is a road-trip story about a fresh punk band making their first tour with a vagabond van-driver who happens to have a violent quirk or two. Or three. Like, killing people and eating them - but only the ones who deserve it, more or less.

This film is well done. I have no complaints - except for the feces and vomit. Personally, a sound effect is just as good as a visual here, but I tend to be rather squeamish in this regard. Probably, you'll want to watch this film behind a plastic sheet.

But do watch. You won't regret it. Much.

The Brotherhood of Satan (1971)

Cult Classic, Well Done!

[7/10 · 15 August 2023]

"Brotherhood of Satan" is a rare gem of a B-grade film because it's rather well done in all regards. You probably won't recognize most of the leading faces in this one, but you'll enjoy a few favorites among its character actors.

This is a story about a lost family, a bunch of weird children, and a dysfunctional little village with a major "Brotherhood of Satan" problem. Like, for real. Like, big time. Okay, so how bad is it?

The film starts with a tank crushing a family car - with the family inside! You'll probably want to know why. The film's plot is your answer but the title is a kind of giveaway. Yeah, because it's the Brotherhood of Satan, duh.

So, roast a dog. Pour a soda. Pop some corn. Maybe get all retro with your style before you watch this one and join... "The Brotherhood of Satan"!

Come on In (2020)

Moody Indie Effort

[6/10 · 9 August 2023]

I generally like Twilight Zone-ish, mysterious and weird stories like this. "Come On In" gets there quickly enough to have kept my attention.

The editing and cinematography are good and the main players are talented. Some of the supporting cast appear to be new to the business, but that goes with the indie effort and I really enjoy spotting the sparkling ones before they become big names. I'll be watching for a few of the faces in this film.

This is a story about a guy in desperate straits with a great need. An odd phone call presents an undeniable offer and the rest... well, you'll have to watch to get that bit (no spoilers here).

So, grab you jammies, pour yourself a steaming cup of strange and "Come On In"!

The Wrath of Becky (2023)

Becky Is Back! And This Time, It's PERSONAL!

[7/10 · 1 August 2023]

Is this film cheesy? You bet! But... is it to be taken seriously? Damn straight! Why? Because, as we learned in this film's first installment (entitled "Becky", what else?) nobody messes with little Becky.

This time though, the bad guys make a really poor decision. They kidnap Diego. Diego, people!!! The fools!!!

Oh, the mayhem that results is special and candid and quite entertaining. If you're a guy-type, I suspect. Such as myself.

So, what will you get out of watching "The Wrath of Becky"? A newfound respect for all things Becky and several wonderful new catchphrases that are certain to enliven any party!

Like Dogs (2021)

You Gotta Stick With It, People!

[6/10 · 31 July 2023]

Have you ever stood between two mirrors and seen yourself reflected into infinity? Check that box for now.

Have you ever manipulated/misused/etc... persons of a lower class/caste/etc...? Check that box for now.

Have you yourself ever been manipulated/misused/etc... by persons of a higher class/caste/etc...? Check that box for now.

The two latter propositions are your mirrors. You are a lab rat - or beagle, because they are popular experimental animals, believe it or not. "Like Dogs" is your experiment.

I know. You'll say...

I don't eat slop... from the McDonald's drive-thru.

I don't wear a leash... as you text on your cell phone.

I don't respond to shock therapy... as you pay your rent/mortgage.

I don't abuse others... as you ____ your neighbor/colleague/lover.

I don't suffer abuse from others... as you prepare your next apology to ___.

Yeah. Give it a few minutes. It's that kind of movie.

Tiny Cinema (2022)

OMG!!! A Guy Flick That Will Make You Laugh...

[8/10 · 31 July 2023]

...so hard that you will pee your pants! My wife says this is a stupid movie and it is NOT funny. So, yeah. It's freaking HILARIOUS!

But that probably explains the wildly variant votes. Chicks be hatin'.

So, this is an anthology about a bunch of weird stuff happening to weird people. Peeing in jars. Fornicating with one's own self and various hideous mafia queens... throwing away perfectly good corpses... snorting poppa's ashes...

Let's just say this film is a well done bravura of horror, fantasy and comedy, all wrapped in a hairy scrotum! But... I know what you're thinkng... pretty weird choice for a host, huh?

Razorback (1984)

Moby Dick Should Have Been So Gritty!

[7/10 · 20 July 2023]

"Razorback" is a rather naughty bi' o' crumpet, speaking film-wise, mate. It's grotesque and disturbing and bizarre and... well, it's just freaking AWESOME!

After you watch this film, you will never forget it. That, I promise.

So, what is this film? It's "Moby Dick" meets Spielberg's "Duel" meets "Road Warrior" all blended onto a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" canvas. Yeah, that's it.

The thing about this film is its choice of settings, direction and cinematography. All topped by a rogue's gallery of gruesome antagonistic characters that work in stark contrast to the polished protaganists (mostly Mr. Harrison). It's a beautiful film the way a raging apocalypse can be beautiful.

For sure you'll want to watch, but a word of caution... don't eat a big meal beforehand!

The Retaliators (2021)

Order Up: One Dude Movie, Extra Cheese!

[7/10 · 21 June 2023]

In the beginning, I thought this might be some kind of sappy religious movie. Ha ha ha!

First impressions sometimes suck! This is NOT that kind of movie. What it is, is a solid guy film packed with just about everything a human man needs to sock back a six pack and a pie in righteous style. Oh, yeah!

On the surface, this is a film about vengeance. Then it's a film about justice gone awry. Then it's a film about... well, it gets very guy-flick from there. Suffice it to say that the acting is solid, the dialogue moves, and the cinematography is gripping. You'll get this film's message quickly enough.

Without spoiling the story, I can only summarize "The Retaliators" this way: after all is watched and finished, you'll want to 1) pump some iron and 2) take a shower.

Enjoy!

7 Days in Entebbe (2018)

Almost Awesome but... Dancing in the Finale?

[5/10 · 6 June 2023]

This true story was good enough without the choreography. What in the world were the editors thinking when they spliced dance footage into the finale? Not only does it ruin the drama of their climax, it's just a really, really bizare place for dancers!

Okay, so I get it. They want to humanize or artify the violence. In fact, this is my point! Violence is, well... violent! Dancing can be violent, too, but this mixture is like gum and nuts... it just doesn't work. So bizarre!

Anyway, this is a story about the incredible rescue of dozens of Jewish hostages during yet another terrorist hijacking of a civilian airliner. It happened so much back then that the hijacking (and the idiotic Bader-Meinhoff Gang, so-called) started boring the hell out of everyone.

In this movie, the actual story is told well. The dancing is just so out of place that it ruins the plot's impact. So, watch or don't watch. Nobody is going to care.

Homebodies (1974)

Getting Older? Watch this Film!

[7/10 · 2 March 2023]

Are you a "grumpy old man" or a "sweet old lady"? Yeah? Then chances are good that you will empathisize with the characters in this film. Are they sinister, misguided or simply nostalgic - perhaps desperately so? Watch and find out for yourself!

This is a macabre story about good people doing bad things. Well, mostly they're good. But they are certainly all old and dedicated to the status quo of their sunset lifestyle. And their apartment building.

Desperate circumstance often calls for desperate action. This is just such a film. An action film, albeit of a geriatric quality.

Will you have fun watching? You betcha. Will you be gruesomely inspired? Perhaps. Say... is that the sound of a wrecking ball working nearby?

Neighbor be warned. Neighbor beware.

Four Lions (2010)

OMG! Too freakin' FUNNY!

[8/10 · 25 February 2023]

I haven't even finished watching this yet and I'm tossing out eight. Yeah, it's that freaking funny! And I'm not a huge fan of comedies, so it must really be HILARIOUS!

This is a story about four jihad-wannabes traveling to Pakistan where they intend to participate in a terrorist training camp. Ultimately, they plan to do great things - meaning they want to blow something up.

Along the way, of course, they encounter a few stumbling blocks. Not the least of which is their own flawed upgringing, character and general understanding of the real world.

This is a guy flick about men being boys. 'Cause that's what we all forever want to be. One way or another.

So, watch and enjoy. And think about the sheep, people! The sheep!

PS - Writing after the end, this film is actually quite sad. Perhaps a bit too real in its brilliant and unexpected climax(es). Perhaps our society will be better than this someday.

Special (2006)

Super Quirky Super-Hero Fun!

[8/10 · 22 February 2023]

I haven't even finished watching this film yet, but I'm tossing up eight! Why? Because. You are telepathic, figure it out!

Seriously, this is a story about a regular guy (okay, maybe a not so regular guy) who joins a drug study, takes a pill, and then develops super powers. Sort of.

Does he really though? Hmmmm. This is perhaps the objective of the plot.

Anyway, Michael Rapaport is awesome as the special guy. At last he really gets to play "Superboy" (his character from Cop Land, another favorite) and he does so with style, baby!

I can't wait to see how this ends. Probably, the same way it ends for us all. At least his will be fun ride!

PS - Editing after the end... this is indeed a quirky bit of film. Quite sad, actually. The only character who sees the reality of it all is Everett. Naturally, nobody listens to him.

Debt Collectors (2020)

Another Great Show from Adkins and Mandylor!

[8/10 · 17 February 2023]

I watched (and bought) the first entry in this awesome guy-flick series (The Debt Collector) and surprised myself by LOVING IT!!! The chemistry between Adkins and Mandylor is catching and I can't decide which I want to be my tough-guy alter ego - right now, I'm leaning toward Mandylor. Yeah?

This is a story about two characters - one a MMA trainer and the other a slightly over-the-hill prize-fighter (guess which plays which) - who make extra cash by collecting the vigorish for an LA loan shark. That's it. That's the plot. But the plot is only a small part of the fun presented in this film.

Each collection is an adventure among colorful characters and not-so-exotic settings, but again that's only part of the fun. What's the rest?

Adkins and Mandylor! Now I know what you're thinking - it's all testosterone and no heart, but I promise you a teary eye or two if you're paying attention. Yeah?

This is a guy flick with feeling. Watch. Then check your pulse. You'll find it racing!

Standoff (I) (2016)

Truly Outstanding!!!

[9/10 · 16 February 2023]

"Standoff" is one of those perfect films that I will watch over and over again. Sure, it's a pure guy-flick, but it packs heart and will force the interested viewer into more than one moment of deep introspection.

What would YOU do if you were the only thing standing between a young girl - a total stranger - and certain death at the hands of a depraved contract killer? Most of us would like to believe we could play Thomas Jane's role with equal finesse... but would we really?

This one gets my blood pumping. Solid acting. Solid story. Solid dialog. Empathetic characters. Fantastic cinematography. Everything works!

IMO, this is one of Mr. Fishburne's and Mr. Jane's finest performances - but the whole cast is awesome, too. You will especially enjoy Ella Ballentine as Isabelle/Bird. Wow! A truly fantastic effort! I can't say enough about her demonstrations of skill and talent at such a young age!

Watch this guy flick, but try into include your romantic partner if you can - you'll benefit from more than one 'awwww' inducing cuddle-moment! In between starts, screams and jumps, of course!

The Caller (1987)

A Stage Play for the Big Screen

[6/10 · 31 January 2023]

So this a weird one... From moment to moment "The Caller" will not be what you expect and I challenge you to guess the surprise ending.

I didn't, and I'm normally pretty good at that sort of thing. In this case, I didn't get it even with the hint that the movie is in the "sci-fi" genre. Hint, hint. Still won't help you though.

This is a story about a woman apparently trapped in an isolated cabin or small town while being visited by a strange "caller" (McDowell). Comprised largely of dialog, I feel a staginess in this production that actually helps its atmosphere quite a bit.

You'll watch like I did wondering when the "sci-fi" part will happen. Wait for it. It's worth the patience. Mostly.

Warlock (1989)

Fantastic Fantasy! Witchy Witchery!

[8/10 · 24 January 2023]

Sadly, I revisited this film because Mr. Sands is missing 10+ days in the mountains and the weather is very bad. This is the first film that brought him to my attention and it is an excellent example of his early promise.

This is a story about yester-year witchcraft tossed into a modern setting. Julian Sands plays the title character, Warlock, with devilish finesse. Watching his performance, one might believe that he is actually a psychopathic necromancer! Chased from certain execution in the seventeenth century into 1980's America, he pursues possession of a wicked book that will bring Satan back to Earth!

Warlock is a fun romp with many quirky twists - not the least of which is an early exposure to the difference between "gay" and "queer". Wow. Was it only forty years ago?

Watch this movie and long to fly like a Warlock! I promise you won't be disappointed!

Wendell & Wild (2022)

Agendized Drivel!

[2/10 · 9 January 2023]

Magnificent pap! Although it's an animated tale that is fairly dark and comedic, it's also quite agendized... at least to me. In short, this story is about a girl who lost her parents in a car crash - she then goes on to experience the grief that goes with it. Yawn.

Aunique style and quirky designs add confusion to the many, many overworked ideas present in the story. It makes for a bizarre experience. I can't see this becoming a cult classic like some of Selick's other stop-motion animated films.

The animation is very distinct. It catches you off guard, and - worse - the movie presents a lot of stereotyped characters in a very biased world. The characters, animation and moments of humor don't work. So, why does it fail?

Guess.